Rainbowx Posted December 26, 2017 Posted December 26, 2017 Hey guys, long time no see! Sorry in advance for the long post - I've just never encountered something quite like this before and could really use some support. I've been getting to know this guy for quite some time and we quickly developed a profound connection. He'd been down for most of the year about some things work related and had a hard time bringing himself to do his job properly, however, once he'd connected with me I pulled him out of his rut. He said he's intensely attracted to my positive energy and really wanted me to give him a chance. We were spending every night talking in bed on skype and he kept saying I'm his #1 priority and that he was afraid to lose our connection. Him and his workmates are going to branch out next year and start a brand new business that's going to take up most of his time all day every day, and he was trying to figure out ways we could still keep our connection going and keep eachother accountable to grow as people because we were both going through some difficult stuff but that he wasn't sure how much time he'd get with me and it was driving him mad wracking his brain to think about when he could fit me in until the business start demand lessened. I was really beginning to fall for him as per our connection and that being around him I felt safe and he was the type of person I'd been looking for my entire life so what happened next blindsided me: He started to go a bit distant on me and I was just picking up on subtle things that had changed and his affections for me suddenly stopped. When I finally got to talking to him about it he said that I'd helped him realise that he would have no time outside of starting his business for anything else and that he'd be unable to give me what I deserve and just be cranky/reserved for a long time and that because of all this he SWITCHED OFF HIS FEELINGS FOR ME and doesn't think of me in that way any more. It happened basically over night! How does this even happen? Do guys have compartmentalisation skills on steroids? So needless to say I'm pretty crushed. He still wants to be a close friend and does message me every day but it's no longer what it was before. He wants to help me get my life back on track in any way he can and even wants me to move in with him (as a friend, he has a tonne of space) to give me a safe space to fix my life. If his business takes off as well as they think it will then he's said he's even going to pay me through university (what an awesome friend ) and sees a huge amount of potential in me and thinks I can go far in life. I asked him if it had anything to do with me at all so I don't make the same mistakes in the future and he said it has nothing to do with me, just he knows he won't have time and his priority is to get rich and retire young because the business him and his boss is starting up is a remarkable opportunity. Was this simply poor timing? Will he be interested in me in the future once all the dust settles? I'm not going to wait around for him, been there/done that too painful, however, if we actually have better timing I'm not closed off to it. How does one simply shut off their feelings for someone? How do I do that?! I wish I could just do that so this wouldn't suck so much. Thanks for reading <3
she'stheone Posted December 26, 2017 Posted December 26, 2017 Most of us men are pro's at hiding/suppressing our emotions. Having said that... I think your relationship with him, at least from his perspective, was about you healing/helping him. He probably sees you as his Florence Nightingale and while I'm guessing he does love you, I'm fairly certain he realizes you're not the woman for him. I'm sorry. He probably has quite a bit of guilt about it based on how he seems to be trying to "save" you, now. Most of what you wrote here: he was trying to figure out ways we could still keep our connection going and keep eachother accountable to grow as people because we were both going through some difficult stuff but that he wasn't sure how much time he'd get with me and it was driving him mad wracking his brain to think about when he could fit me in until the business start demand lessened. ...is not about him professing his love for you but about helping you and you helping him stay on track. So again, he does love you and care about you he's just not in love with you. Be careful of falling for men who say: you or your connection pulled him out of his rut. When that happens, he will probably confuse his feelings for you. (We men are not very good at understanding feelings...especially our own). Whether you take him up on his offers is up to you. Keep in mind, you still have feelings for this man and he recognizes he doesn't have the same feelings for you. Moving in with him, letting him pay for college, etc., become obligations and promises to each other. Many of which will be assumed by each of you, yet not spoken of or put in writing. If he bails on his offers then where does that leave you. My best advice is proceed with extreme caution and end things as quickly and cleanly as possible. Sending you much love and light. 1
Bantosm Posted December 26, 2017 Posted December 26, 2017 I had something similar happen to me a few months ago. In the course of one night, the woman whom I was dating everything was contrary to what she had said before. It was largely my fault. I was under a lot of stress, wasn't handling the situation well at all and I ended up hurting her. I think I could've fixed my situation had I been more patient. That's probably the key for you as well.
mortensorchid Posted December 26, 2017 Posted December 26, 2017 This guy is an ignorant fool who doesn't deserve you. CUT YOUR LOSSES AND MOVE ON AS QUICKLY AS YOU CAN. 2
rushed Posted December 26, 2017 Posted December 26, 2017 You said you guys would skype every night. Was this a long distance relationship? How much time did you guys spend in each other's actual physical company?
mortensorchid Posted December 26, 2017 Posted December 26, 2017 I was involved in a few relationships like that when I was a kid, seeing myself as the woman who could change the man or fix a situation with them by being the loving, supportive, caring woman in his life. I am no longer. I don't fix people, people's problems are not mine to fix/solve. Came from a lot of years of maturity and experience with people, now I am independent. Chances are, like me, if you are the caregiver, the man will take advantage of it over and over until he gets whatever he can get from you, then throw you aside. He'll move onto the next one and do the same, or he will settle on the trashy girl who will take him to the cleaners. You learned. Now move on.
she'stheone Posted December 26, 2017 Posted December 26, 2017 (edited) Chances are, like me, if you are the caregiver, the man will take advantage of it over and over until he gets whatever he can get from you, then throw you aside. He'll move onto the next one and do the same, or he will settle on the trashy girl who will take him to the cleaners. Hi Mortensorchid, Sorry you had bad experiences with some men. Yes, SOME men are users and they know exactly what they are doing. It is with full intent they use women. Most men are not like that. Most people, men included who are in a bad place and/or lonely, can end up "using" someone, unintentionally, especially if they see that person as their savior. They simply confuse their emotions of platonic love with romantic love. At some point these people (men and women) realize they made a mistake and their love for the other person is NOT romantic. Here is where many people probably feel thrown aside. It’s not that he’s thrown you aside, it’s that he realized you weren’t right romantically. I’m not saying it doesn’t hurt nor am I saying the man isn't responsible for his actions, he is. What I am saying is we always need to look at ourselves and see how we were responsible for our situation. When I first divorced my ex-wife. I blamed her for our failed marriage. It was only after continuing my journey of personal and spiritual development that I realized, the whole thing was actually my fault. I hurt her, I should NOT have married her, but as I said above, I was too insecure and too much of a coward to break it off. The reality was no matter what I did I was going to hurt her. If I stayed (as I did) then I hurt her and if I broke things off with her I was going to hurt her. This doesn’t mean I didn’t love or care about her. In fact, I did and still do. We just aren’t a good fit together. When we learn to take responsibility WITHOUT blaming others, that’s when we grow the most. Sending you much love and light Edited December 26, 2017 by she'stheone
Gr8fuln2020 Posted December 26, 2017 Posted December 26, 2017 I agree with much of what people are saying here, but I do not believe this guy ever LOVED her. Did I miss something? Did the OP say he ever said that he was in love with her? There was the mumbo jumbo about connections, #1 priority and blah, blah, blah, but love? I cannot say if he used the OP to help himself emotionally, etc and at her expense, but I suspect that given some time he will simply fade away and all his talk about a successful business and paying for school was just that....talk. He was feeling guilty. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted December 26, 2017 Posted December 26, 2017 OP, how did you meet him? And how much time did you spend together in person?
she'stheone Posted December 26, 2017 Posted December 26, 2017 I agree with much of what people are saying here, but I do not believe this guy ever LOVED her. Did I miss something? Did the OP say he ever said that he was in love with her? There was the mumbo jumbo about connections, #1 priority and blah, blah, blah, but love? I cannot say if he used the OP to help himself emotionally, etc and at her expense, but I suspect that given some time he will simply fade away and all his talk about a successful business and paying for school was just that....talk. He was feeling guilty. We all define LOVE from our own perspective (judgment?) of what we believe love is. Too many people are incapable of loving themselves much less another person. For this man, regardless of whether the OP said he loved her, loved her in his own way. Again, all too often we can't love ourselves (someone who was "pulled out of his rut" by another person probably is unable to love himself properly) so loving another is limited by his ability to love himself. That is why I used the dreaded/dangerous/taboo word of LOVE. Yes, he is most certainly feeling guilty and I agree he will most likely NOT fulfill his promises. Many of us will say things in the moment AND mean them in the moment but... ...when the moment is gone, so are our promises. Sending you much love and light
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