ACupcake Posted December 25, 2017 Posted December 25, 2017 Okay so there’s this guy (let’s call him ray) that I’ve been really good friends with for 4 years. When I was a senior in HS, I dated him for like 3 months ish. We didn’t get super sexual, just a couple BJs but the whole relationship just didn’t work out, we didn’t work like that. (Sidenote: don’t date your best friend). So we took our time off & when ready we rebuilt our friendship and we’ve been friends again for a while. It’s been 2 years since we dated. He had this girlfriend, she was really possessive and didn’t want him to talk to me solely because I was technically an ex, but he said friendship first & we kept being friends. For the record, I’m well into college now and I live 160 miles away from Ray. Anyway, the problem is this: I have a new boyfriend now, we’ll call him Jay. Jay and I have been dating for a couple months now, and everything is perfect! Except that he doesn’t want me talking to ray. And I get it, because Jay’s most recent ex cheated on him for months with her ex until he found out and broke up with her. He was heartbroken. So I was like, aw man ok I won’t talk to ray for a while until we can get better into our relationship by ourselves and he can trust me more as a girlfriend since this is so new. So one day, I had texted Ray something about a new game that came out and Jay saw and got really mad. He said I broke my promise by not ceasing communication entirely and blocking him on every social media/phone service/etc for the rest of my life. He yelled at me about texting my exes behind his back. So I just deleted Rays number and blocked him on everything. I feel guilty and I feel like I want my friend back. I brought up maybe in the far future Jay can Be acquaintances with Ray, but Jay was disgusted by that idea and said he’s not okay with “sharing” me sexually with someone (because of the BJs a few years ago), so I can choose either him or Ray. -I don’t like ultimatums but I chose Jay for now because idk what to do & Ray is currently being really chill about it -guilt—I’m not doing the same for Ray as he did for me -contemplation— maybe I shouldn’t even be friends with Ray since I did date him at one point? What’s the right thing to do? I don’t want to hurt anyone
smackie9 Posted December 25, 2017 Posted December 25, 2017 Hard fact: Your BF is broken, and he isn't ready emotionally to be in a relationship. His emotional baggage about his ex cheating on him is unresolved, which makes this unhealthy. Secondly, since you can't seem to let go of this guy friend, you are not ready to move on yourself. Some people would say suck it up and obey your BF, but you shouldn't have to if it makes you feel sad. You are just going to resent him. In a perfect world you should meet someone who isn't so messed up from his previous relationship. This is just one incident...there will be more with this guy. Hard fact: Your BF has trust issues, his issues shouldn't be your problem. I say find a new BF or stay single. This is about you and what it's doing to you right? or you wouldn't be here. 2
d0nnivain Posted December 25, 2017 Posted December 25, 2017 Have your BF & your buddy met? If not, introduce them so your BF can see there is nothing to worry about. You already made your choice by blocking your buddy. Personally I would have taken a different tact & told the BF I get it, you're EX cheated on you & now you are suspicious but buddy & I are just friends. I'm willing to be transparent in my interactions with him but he's been my friend a long time & is important to me. I hope in time you two can be friends too. Short of not speaking to him, how can I reassure you? If the BF still demanded complete NC, I'd dump the BF because I could not date a suspicious guy who didn't trust me. 3
snowboy91 Posted December 25, 2017 Posted December 25, 2017 So your new BF is stopping you from seeing someone you consider a close friend? Imagine how it might be different if your friend was female instead. It's not OK and your BF needs to accept that one of your closest friends is a guy. The fact your BF is still hurt from his ex cheating suggests he's not in the right space to date you. You said it yourself, you want your friend back so get him back! There are plenty of other guys to date.
guest569 Posted December 26, 2017 Posted December 26, 2017 I am not sure if your boyfriend’s past or trust is the reason for the tension. Some people are unhappy about their partner being chummy with their ex partner. Rather than either of you being right or wrong, it is an issue of compatibility and boundaries that you have to agree on if you were to make the relationship last. If he is adamant that he wants Ray out of your life, I think you need to be either 100% with him or end the relationship as it seems to be a dealbreaker for you both. There is no middle ground. It concerned me that he yelled when speaking with you about it.
sdraw108 Posted December 26, 2017 Posted December 26, 2017 This is on Jay. It's unreasonable to ask a partner to stop being friends with someone. It's also unreasonable to distrust a new partner on the basis of what a previous partner did. If he doesn't like it, then he shouldn't be dating someone who stays friends with exes. No way is the solution to force you to block him. That's controlling.
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