Overreacting or...?

[JournoGirl]

I've been dating this guy for 2 months. We've had the exclusivity talk and confirmed we're not dating other people and want to see what happens. We talk everyday and see each other a few times a week but his behaviour today has been so irritating and I can't decide if I'm overthinking it or justifiably annoyed. I'm thinking about breaking it off..

 

 

 

This evening I was out with friends and made plans to meet him later. However he showed up far earlier than discussed and I ended up leaving them much earlier than I wanted. We went for a couple of drinks, came back to my place and had sex. As I was falling asleep he said he'd better get home, since tomorrow is Christmas and he had to drive his parents to visit family out of town. He's a bit weird about sharing a bed anyway and doesn't sleep well - sometimes he stays over, others he doesn't if he has to wake up early so though I'm not particularly a fan of this behaviour, I get that some people are weird about their own bed.

 

 

This was at 1.30am. Then a few hours after leaving, he texts me to say that he's decided to go out drinking with his friends. It's gone 5am now and he's still out. While I generally couldn't care less about him going out with his friends. I feel pissed he couldn't stick around at my place, yet had plenty of time to go there. I expressed to him that I found this strange and he's acting like I'm being clingy but I don't think so. It also irks me that if he was going to bail, I could have spent the rest of the evening with my own friends rather than being home and in bed at 1.30 on the one night that everyone is out.

What do you think?

[surferchic]

OP, I completely understand how you feel. Yes indeed you could still be out with your friends. I'm pretty sure this was all by his design.

 

I have a hunch that he's being controlling. He got you to do what he wanted and assumes he knows exactly where you are(home alone), while he's out enjoying the fact that he got you to do what he wanted you to do.

 

Take this time to reflect on his other behaviors sikilar to this or instances where he acts insecure... jealous... controlling.

 

Many of us have been in this situation before. In the future , try setting firm boundaries so that you feel less upset at the fact that he got away with manipulating your time and energy.

 

Don't let your irritation take over your thinking.

[avvril3000]

My opinion is that he isn't used to being in a relationship. He may really like you, but as a boyfriend you dont really do that ****. Or he may be just cool with you guys being casually dating, even if you've said the exclusive thing, that doesnt mean he wants anything full on serious yet, and he is acting that way.

 

But to answer your question, you have every right to be mad about it. I would confront him more about it and let him explain. If he still acts like you're being clingy, who wants to be in a relationship where you can't discuss things without being labelled "clingy"?

[act00]

I'd be upset about this too. I'd say in the future, maybe not plan to see him on the same night you plan to go out with your friends. It will eliminate the issue of him cutting your night short, at the very least. How strange that he showed up so early. I don't know that I'd go so far as to say he manipulated you out of going out with friends, like a jealousy thing, but it is worth considering if this is something that happens repeatedly. If you find he's kind of making you choose between him and them, that is a red flag.

 

On the bed thing, the past few times I've had a sleepover, I just don't get the sleep I need, mostly because I'm very aware of this man next to me, and in the beginning, well, sometimes there's just not much sleep , so I can relate to him wanting to be in his own bed before a long day/driving or work or something, but honestly, he left to get that rest and...went out drinking. I get that you're mad, but hopefully this is just a one-off. I don't think you're being clingy at all.

[GemmaUK]

He obviously wasn't keen on you being with your friends so found an excellent manipulative way to isolate you from them.

He certainly doesn't respect you - that's blatantly obvious.

 

I'd be curious though if he attempts isolation tactics or control, putting you down anything like that as well. He could be one to run rather than walk from.

[she'stheone]

First off, I would say you are justified to be annoyed by his behavior and if it was a one-off thing or the only thing that bothered you then I'd say you're over-reacting about ending things, but...

 

I see a major red-flag with the sleeping situation. It's important to you that he stay over and for whatever his reason he doesn't seem to want to.

 

I get the sleeping thing and if he was head over heels for you then he would WANT to stay over.

 

My right shoulder has been achy since my girlfriend moved in because I lay on my right side to snuggle with her, not because she wants me to (although that is a factor) but because I want to.

 

It would seem, that he's simply sleeping over to appease you or because he's too tired to drive home. It's his lack of desire to stay.

 

Always remember, if a man is interested he will show you his interest by doing things that make you happy. He will also want to spend time with you OTHER than having sex.

 

Your "date" sounded more like a booty call to me and I would suspect his interest in you as a girlfriend is more about a steady source of sex and not about a relationship.

 

This has NOTHING to do with you and everything to do with him. For the majority of men, sex is NOT the bonding act it is for women and a man can be very happy in an exclusive relationship with just a sexual partner.

 

If you want to stick it out to see what happens, then I agree with everyone who said you should talk to him about it and set boundaries, etc.

 

Sending you much love and light.

[browzer]

He's the avoidant personality type.

 

Google it, learn about it and decide if you can be in a relationship with it and be happy.

 

I doubt it.

[elaine567]

This evening I was out with friends and made plans to meet him later. However he showed up far earlier than discussed and I ended up leaving them much earlier than I wanted.

 

I guess he knew his plans with his friends well in advance and he slotted you in. He arrived early, had a couple of quick drinks, had sex and made his excuses to leave asap.

 

YOU were used. He effectively scuppered your night out, so whilst you were safely tucked up in bed, he was out tripping the light fantastic.

He is NOT bf material.

[smackie9]

He's a selfish pr%*&. Do you really believe his bs? He just wanted sex, then go out with his friends. He had this planned ahead of time no doubt. I agree he's not BF material....dump the chump.

[JournoGirl]

Thanks everyone for your replies.

 

 

Hmm I really can't weigh him up, but I feel like I don't have enough interest myself to waste time being uncertain about his intentions. I kinda begrudge being exclusive with someone so wishy washy. I've actually turned down a couple of dates at this point with people who I would have otherwise liked to have spent time with.

 

 

After this happened, I had a bit of a go at him about it. He showed up at my place on Christmas day super apologetic with some gifts and then we spent all of boxing day together.

His last relationship ended badly - from what I understand, apparently she was threatening to kill herself over the fact that he didn't want to marry and start a family so he says he's afraid that being in a relationship changes things.

 

 

With that said, I start to wonder how "crazy" his ex actually could have been, considering he calls me clingy when I just expressed I was annoyed about this. I also got a "are you in love with me or something?" (No just don't want to be used and treated like crap!)

 

 

I totally understand that guys can string a woman along for just sex. I'm not sure that's it entirely though, since he's very attentive generally across the board - i.e. we speak daily, when I moved apartments he came to help me and we recently took a short trip together... I could be wrong..

[JournoGirl]

Re the controlling thing, I've been keeping a mental note of a few odd instances.

As an example, he told me I look better without lipstick a while back, and now every time I see him there's some comment about whether or not the colour is right, I'm wearing too much, etc - wtf?

 

 

Secondly, I went out with some colleagues yesterday. He was questioning how many of us there were, I told him 8, then he asked " so 5 guys and 3 girls?" (not sure how he jumped to that split), so I corrected him as it being 3 guys, 5 girls - No idea what he was getting at with this - whether he thinks I'm going to run off with someone else or something I'm not sure.

 

 

 

 

 

 

OP, I completely understand how you feel. Yes indeed you could still be out with your friends. I'm pretty sure this was all by his design.

 

I have a hunch that he's being controlling. He got you to do what he wanted and assumes he knows exactly where you are(home alone), while he's out enjoying the fact that he got you to do what he wanted you to do.

 

Take this time to reflect on his other behaviors sikilar to this or instances where he acts insecure... jealous... controlling.

 

Many of us have been in this situation before. In the future , try setting firm boundaries so that you feel less upset at the fact that he got away with manipulating your time and energy.

 

Don't let your irritation take over your thinking.

[d0nnivain]

I think drinking with your friends is more of a priority to both of you then the relationship. I would have been a bit irked at having missed the fun but didn't you have fun together?

 

I thought you were going to be upset that he was drinking at 5 a.m. when he had to drive his parents. That safety issue is the concern that jumped off the page at me.

 

Since he showed up at Christmas with presents & you had fun on the 26th let it be.

[JournoGirl]

I think drinking with your friends is more of a priority to both of you then the relationship. I would have been a bit irked at having missed the fun but didn't you have fun together?

 

I thought you were going to be upset that he was drinking at 5 a.m. when he had to drive his parents. That safety issue is the concern that jumped off the page at me.

 

Since he showed up at Christmas with presents & you had fun on the 26th let it be.

 

 

That's not the case at all. I left my friends and would have welcomed spending time with him that night. What irked me was that if it was so important to drive to his parents early, why did he feel the need to head like 45 minutes back into the city to go out drinking with his friends, rather than stay at my place. I don't think that being annoyed at that is unjustified.

 

As I said though, he came over and apologized, so fine on that part.

[spiderowl]

I suppose the thing that struck me was that everything was done on his timetable. He arrived earlier than you expected, which threw you out. You ended up having sex with him instead of being with your friends. He couldn't stay because he had to drive, so he left you when you had rather he stayed. Then he topped it all by going out late and spending time with his friends instead of you!

 

If you want to continue with this guy - and I doubt I would bother - you need to have a few rules. The main rule though is that he respects you and your time. He respects that you are an individual who has friends too. He does not expect to just walk in and take over, then abandon you when he's had what he wants.

 

I am not surprised you felt used. Whatever he thought he was doing, he did not end up spending the night with you. He is treating you as a fall-back option when it is convenient for him. I would make it much more difficult for him to get any alone time with you. He'll soon get the message that you are not impressed with his excuses. He doesn't sound very serious about your relationship.

[GemmaUK]

Re the controlling thing, I've been keeping a mental note of a few odd instances.

As an example, he told me I look better without lipstick a while back, and now every time I see him there's some comment about whether or not the colour is right, I'm wearing too much, etc - wtf?

 

 

Secondly, I went out with some colleagues yesterday. He was questioning how many of us there were, I told him 8, then he asked " so 5 guys and 3 girls?" (not sure how he jumped to that split), so I corrected him as it being 3 guys, 5 girls - No idea what he was getting at with this - whether he thinks I'm going to run off with someone else or something I'm not sure.

 

So he's already very subtley belittling you every single time you see him if your lipstick is wrong or always wrong. I would play with that and just wear lip balm for a couple of dates - if he is a controller he will find something else to pick on about you.

 

The number of guys to girls - yeah, 5 guys and 3 girls and he will think 3 women are not smart enough to say no to any guy who makes any kind of advance. It's a very easy subtle way to begin to isolate you from your friends (he won't like any of your friends - they will all be 'off' or a bad influence in some way or other). He did already successfully isolate you this tie though through turning up early.

My abusive ex 'forbade' me from going to a work seminar because he said everyone sleeps with everyone at those things. I had been attending them for 6 years and nothing had happened. This time I had declined the seminar as I had other plans (with him actually) but me even just telling him i had cancelled my attendance to the seminar still resulted in full scale verbal bashing for me and he told me that if I ever did go he would find out where the venue was and turn up and 'watch' me.

 

These little controlling behaviours he has will increase, get worse or if you comply he will just step it up and find something else - hence if I were you I'd try the lip balm and see what he does.

 

He has one total psycho ex-gf, he will have more, controllers & abusers always do and nothing was ever their fault.

One of the first signs of an abusive mentality is a lack of responsibility for anything that goes bad in their life. It will be his parents/sister/friend/boss/co-workers - basically anyone else's fault.

 

He has been very subtle so far but keep your eyes open if you want to continue seeing him. All I am doing here is to give you a few pointers as to what to look out for but controlling/possessive/abusive behaviour always starts with seemingly insignificant (often bizarre and ridiculous) little things.

[ChatroomHero]

His last relationship ended badly - from what I understand, apparently she was threatening to kill herself over the fact that he didn't want to marry and start a family so he says he's afraid that being in a relationship changes things.

 

 

With that said, I start to wonder how "crazy" his ex actually could have been, considering he calls me clingy when I just expressed I was annoyed about this. I also got a "are you in love with me or something?" (No just don't want to be used and treated like crap!) ..

 

Someone above said he treated you like a booty call, sounds like it to me to.

 

For the "crazy ex" part, I am a firm believer that any time someone tells you about a crazy ex, that person is typically the abusive/crazy one, not the ex. If you really had a crazy ex, a lot of the time you don't want to discuss or say much about them. Maybe a story here or there, but if they bring it up often or blame something bad they do on the shell shock from the ol' crazy ex, I'd say almost always they were the problem...it's like a preemptive defense for bad behaviour or lame excuse.

 

I bet if you talked to his ex, all the issues you are having with him would match the ones you are having. If you broke up with him tomorrow, he would tell the next girl he was with all about you, the new crazy ex.