Confused2005 Posted August 22, 2005 Posted August 22, 2005 Well....to tell the truth...I am totally confused by my relationship with my boyfriend. We have been going out now for 9 months now...things have been pretty good, comfortable should I say. No real issues. He definately isnt the most romantic type, never even taken me out for dinner. And the one time that we actually went out to lunch, well....guess who paid!!. And the first valentines day, I wasnt expecting much...and well guess again I ended up buying dinner but he cooked!:-). There are a few things that have gotten me sooo confused. Firstly, the place where we met, was the same place that he asked me to be his girlfriend....and also the same place he told me that he was falling for me. That was a bit strange considering that when you are with a girlfriend you want to be somewhere where you can be intimate so that you can really express your feelings..... But here is the problem, he has never really told me how he feels about me. There is only so many one can say when you are together with someone...words like " I really like you" etc.....can only last for a certain time. For a girl, this can make me a bit insecure....and the feelings are constantly on a high and on a low!! One time I am totally in love with him, and other days I am just not.....and on several occasions it has gotten to the point where I we have just had to have a break from each other. But this has made us more closer......and he always says that I mean more to him than I will ever know....(what is that about!), and sometimes his actions can be sooo much louder than his words!, which shows that he does care. I definately think that he has a problem expressing himself, but sometimes a girl has got to know. Why?? Because I am really falling in love with him, and well, it feels that either he said the things he said in the beginning of the relationship just for me to be a girlfriend. And to make the story even more complicated, he was having a party at his house a few weeks ago, and well, one of the girls at the party was walking past...and he actually looked at her butt while I was talking to him. I walked out, and ended up taking him out of the party to ask him what that was about, and he just said he always looks at people....so in revenge I also start looking at people too! (Childish as it may seem, he did hurt me doing that), besides, I consider myself to be quite attractive. I remember once at a club, he even felt jealous that there were guys looking at me, and he even told me that he knows that I can get any guy I want, but he is happy I choose him. Please someone tell me, I am I wasting my time???, I definately know that he does care about me, and to be honest I am his second serious relationship, since he was 17 years old.......we are both 25!....so maybe that has something to do with it. Where as I have been in a serious relationship before for 4 years..... I am soooo confused here!! Dump him, and risk hurting the both of us, please help!!!!! please!!!
noname Posted August 23, 2005 Posted August 23, 2005 Originally posted by Confused2005 Firstly, the place where we met, was the same place that he asked me to be his girlfriend....and also the same place he told me that he was falling for me. That was a bit strange considering that when you are with a girlfriend you want to be somewhere where you can be intimate so that you can really express your feelings..... depending on the venue, many women would find this very romantic... But here is the problem, he has never really told me how he feels about me. There is only so many one can say when you are together with someone...words like " I really like you" etc.....can only last for a certain time. For a girl, this can make me a bit insecure....and the feelings are constantly on a high and on a low!! One time I am totally in love with him, and other days I am just not.....and on several occasions it has gotten to the point where I we have just had to have a break from each other. But this has made us more closer......and he always says that I mean more to him than I will ever know....(what is that about!), and sometimes his actions can be sooo much louder than his words!, which shows that he does care. he is telling you, you just need to learn to hear it. sounds like he is expressing himself the best way he knows how... "more than you'll ever know" should not be taken so lightly... I definately think that he has a problem expressing himself, but sometimes a girl has got to know. Why?? Because I am really falling in love with him, and well, it feels that either he said the things he said in the beginning of the relationship just for me to be a girlfriend. And to make the story even more complicated, he was having a party at his house a few weeks ago, and well, one of the girls at the party was walking past...and he actually looked at her butt while I was talking to him. I walked out, and ended up taking him out of the party to ask him what that was about, and he just said he always looks at people....so in revenge I also start looking at people too! (Childish as it may seem, he did hurt me doing that), besides, I consider myself to be quite attractive. I remember once at a club, he even felt jealous that there were guys looking at me, and he even told me that he knows that I can get any guy I want, but he is happy I choose him. I am soooo confused here!! Dump him, and risk hurting the both of us, please help!!!!! please!!! funny thing... sounds pretty normal to me. almost sounds like the beginning of a healthy relationship. confusion. mixed signals. looking at butts, needing a break, varied views of expression. and you may just have a problem expressing yourself too if the only thing you could think of was to get revenge for his butt looking. give it some time. dump him merely for the reasons you stated, and you could be cheating both yourself and him immensely. give it some time before you condemn seemingly normal behavior to failure...
kitkat826 Posted August 23, 2005 Posted August 23, 2005 Originally posted by noname he is telling you, you just need to learn to hear it. sounds like he is expressing himself the best way he knows how... "more than you'll ever know" should not be taken so lightly... I said this to someone I was dating before, knowing that I didn't love them nor had intentions of being with them long term. However, he did mean a lot to me and the words were more less the only ones I could think of to express myself correctly without hurting him. Not trying to be cynical, but I think we should look at all the possibilities...
Curt Posted August 23, 2005 Moderators Posted August 23, 2005 Even though noname may be right, I have to admit, there are a number of things you've said that make me go "hmmm.....:" Posted by Confused2005 1. {Things have been} comfortable. Comfortable is one thing. Honest question here: Do you find him somewhat unstimulating/on the boring side? 2. {There have been} no real issues. Nothing personal, but, judging from your post, I'm not entirely sure you truly see it that way. 3. He definately isn't the most romantic type, never even taken {you} out for dinner. Hmmm ... OK, I have to admit that I find this unique. Never out to dinner, not even once? 4. The one time that we actually went out to lunch, well ... guess who paid! {i.e., you did} LOL! OK ... don't get me wrong here ... I have no problem with the woman paying on times, and him paying on others. Plus, I'm certainly not advocating that he must pay always. But, for the first time taking you out to lunch, perhaps he should have. I don't think it would have been right for him to expect you to do so in that case. Question: When did this lunch happen (how far into your relationship with him?) 5. The first Valentine's Day, I wasn't expecting much ... and well, guess again ... I ended up buying dinner ... but he cooked! Although it's probably quite different than I would imagine it, that's probably OK too ... afterall, Valentine's is for BOTH people, not just the female. I wonder if that's not something that gets a little lost in the "Valentine's Day" translation sometimes. So, perhaps this is fine in and of itself. There are also some things in your post that are no big deal, at least in my estimation. For example: There are a few things that have gotten me sooo confused. Firstly, the place where we met, was the same place that he asked me to be his girlfriend....and also the same place he told me that he was falling for me. That was a bit strange considering that when you are with a girlfriend you want to be somewhere where you can be intimate so that you can really express your feelings.....Honestly, this place where you both met may very well feel that way for him. Guys see things differently than girls on these issues. As such, this strikes me as no big deal, really. Is your hesitancy on the idea perhaps coming from your own conception of where you would see him sayng it, as compared to where he feels comfortable doing so?But here is the problem, he has never really told me how he feels about me. There is only so many one can say when you are together with someone...words like " I really like you" etc.....can only last for a certain time. For a girl, this can make me a bit insecure....and the feelings are constantly on a high and on a low!! One time I am totally in love with him, and other days I am just not.....and on several occasions it has gotten to the point where I we have just had to have a break from each other.LOL! I find this interesting as I feel there are two schools of thought on the matter. For example, one guy who's considered a sort of "dating guru for men" suggests that actually telling a girl that you love her should be done quite sparingly. What your guy was doing here almost sounds something like what that "dating dude" might have suggested. Some would say that your BF is doing exactly the right thing to keep you attracted to him. To be honest, what you stated next makes me feel even more secure that your guy might be onto something. You noted...But this has made us more closer......and he always says that I mean more to him than I will ever know....(what is that about!), and sometimes his actions can be sooo much louder than his words!, which shows that he does care.See, there ya go. By your own omission, you must find this intoxicating on some level, even on a subconscious one. The not knowing and time away to miss each other is probably drawing you even closer to him? I definately think that he has a problem expressing himself, but sometimes a girl has got to know. Why?? Because I am really falling in love with him, and well, it feels that either he said the things he said in the beginning of the relationship just for me to be a girlfriend.Awww ... not necessarily, girl. At the same time, he may very well be the "man of few words" that you suggest. Then again, sometimes when a couple is together, words mean so little in comparison to the actions and feeling both experience while in each other's presence.And to make the story even more complicated, he was having a party at his house a few weeks ago, and well, one of the girls at the party was walking past...and he actually looked at her butt while I was talking to him. I walked out, and ended up taking him out of the party to ask him what that was about, and he just said he always looks at people....so in revenge I also start looking at people too! (Childish as it may seem, he did hurt me doing that), besides, I consider myself to be quite attractive.I'll be honest, I don't think you should have taken his looking quite so personally in this case. It's like this ... and I don't see why a number of women have problems accepting this ... men are very attracted to the physical characteristics of a woman. It's in his genes, passed down through millions of years of evolution of the male gender. A$$, Hips, Breasts... you know the way it is ... it's all part of what physical characteristics that males find desirable in females. The thing is, he may love you to death, would lilkely never think of hurting you and never leave you for another woman ... but he still has eyes. Yes, it was probably quite bad social "form" for him to do this in your presence, BUT you also should not have taken it to the high degree personally that you did.I remember once at a club, he even felt jealous that there were guys looking at me, and he even told me that he knows that I can get any guy I want, but he is happy I choose him.Hey, I'll be honest. This is where I would have boxed his ears, but probably not for the reason you think! {give me a second, and I'll explain} In his comments, he showed you that he is keenly aware that you might have any number of potential suitors. He admitted that, and even followed up with a touching comment that he feels happy you chose him. I think he did something that I would have done in the past. However, I'm not so sure I'd do so anymore. Thing is, if I saw a guy looking at my girlfriend, I hope I would turn to her, very covertly point him out, and ask her if she thought he was cute. He shoulda played it down. I'll be honest, he was really "fo real" on that one. Perhaps too much so. LOL! Now, you say this to end off...Please someone tell me, I am I wasting my time???, I definately know that he does care about me, and to be honest I am his second serious relationship, since he was 17 years old.......we are both 25!....so maybe that has something to do with it. Where as I have been in a serious relationship before for 4 years..... I am soooo confused here!! Dump him, and risk hurting the both of us, please help!!!!! please!!! Do you think you're wasting your time? What is the potential "deal breaking" problem that you feel might bring it all down ? Just curious.
Cecelius Posted August 23, 2005 Posted August 23, 2005 I think you basically have two choices: (1) you are too high maintenence (you are looking for more emotional support in the relationship than is appropriate or than he is willing to give) or (2) you don't like him enough to stick with what you are getting from him. Honestly, my vote is on number (1), but that's just because I usually see all of this "prove you love me" stuff as being so much navel gazing and that I have seen too many people with improper views of relationships (no relationship will, or should, ever be the emotional bouy that gets you up in the morning, or makes you happy -- it is icing on the cake. You are Wonder Woman and you would be that way whether you're dating Superman or not). You may, honestly, want to think about what he's not giving you and whether he has a clue that you want it (there may be tons of things he'd really like from you that you do not give him simply because it wouldn't occur to you).
Iluvsiamese Posted August 23, 2005 Posted August 23, 2005 Have you given any thought to what his love language is? The theory is that there are 5 different languages and each person has their own primary and secondary. Some people have thought that mine is gift-giving but in truth, it is quality time. For someone whose love language is gift-giving any gift is wonderful. For me though, a gift that has obviously had no thought put into it is an insult and I spend alot of time thinking about a gift that would be perfect for a person before I buy. So perhaps he isn't that vocal. But that's obviously your love language, not his. Give some thought to what his might be and use it on him. You might find that he will respond the way you would like.
Confused2005 Posted August 25, 2005 Posted August 25, 2005 Thank you soo much for all your replies. You definately got me thinking. Maybe I have been a little high maintenance...but when you are used to being treated a certain way, and your not treated in that same way by one you care about, you kinda get the feeling that you are settling for less. In this case, my boyfriend may not be one for words, and his actions almost speak louder than his words. It is definately about the love language...:-) Curt, thanks for the advice!!!!!! I have taken it into heart. There are soo many good true points that you pulled out there..... 1. He hasnt been on the boring side. He does work a lot, but when he is free on his days off he almost always takes those days to spend with me, and there is never a dull moment.... :-) 2. Issues, we havent gotten into any real major fights....taking time apart for a few days does let the steam off a little. Wish that we didnt have to do that and he was more open (but that is an entirely different post). 3. Dinner??? yup, believe it, never.....not even once!!....9 months and still counting 4. Me paying for lunch....I know!!!! I wasnt expecting to pay either, but hey.....that quite a while ago, say 6 months ago into the relationship he could have at least taking me for lunch too.... But then again, there are so many nights that he has made a candle lit dinner with a bottle...that is SOOO much nicer so I guess it definately breaks even! 5. Yeah, it does take two---- I think he knows how I feel, and even once I did hear a slight " I love you" some months back - it was such a silent whisper, I didnt want to ask him to repeat what he said. To answer to your curiousity....It does feel like I am sometimes wasting my time because, 9 months into the relationship, and it feels like I dont really know him very well.....I have been guys for such shorter periods and gotten to know them...but its quite hard with him. That is one reason why I would break up, is because we spend all this time together and I am feeling that I am spending more time and not really getting to know him. I do know it takes time to get to know someone, but this is 9 months, and I dont really really "know" him. His past relationship was pretty bizarre....his ex cheated on him more than twice with his close friends, so I dont know if that had something to do with it. But overall, it I would have to say it is a healthy-ish relationship.....:-) I am not planning on breaking up any time soon. I will give it sometime, and see how things progress....but if it doesnt, then I may have to. Its hard being a relationship when u feel that you are not really getting to know them, and even harder when you dont really know how they feel.... Thanks for the replies guys!!!! you have been great help! Thank
Curt Posted August 26, 2005 Moderators Posted August 26, 2005 Originally posted by Confused2005 His past relationship was pretty bizarre....his ex cheated on him more than twice with his close friends, so I dont know if that had something to do with it.Wowie wow wow! Cheated on TWICE by his so-called "CLOSE FRIENDS." Jee whiz hunn, ... that gotta hurt big time, yo! I wonder if that wouldn't make any guy more than a little hesitant to let his heart go out to another person for a loooooong time. Yipes... Anyhoo... You also mentioned, and I quote :I am not planning on breaking up any time soon. I will give it sometime, and see how things progress....but if it doesnt, then I may have to. Its hard being a relationship when u feel that you are not really getting to know them, and even harder when you dont really know how they feel....I can see where you're coming from. Talk to him about it all, see how it goes, and if in a month or so you feel things are coming along troublingly slow... well, then you'll have to make a decision one way or the other. It may simply come to a point where you feel he isn't opening up to an extent that you can personally live with. In that case, you'll need to bite the bullet, do the breakup talk with him, and call it a learning experience. Even is this happens though, I have a feeling you would both be able to split on decent terms. Hope we've helped. Curt
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