surferchic Posted December 24, 2017 Posted December 24, 2017 The guy I've been seeing is positively expressing more of himself. Things aren't perfect, still I appreciate the gradual opening up. I recently had an epiphany... I'm starting to wonder if I could be part of why my relationships don't go but so far sometimes. Examples from current guy: a) He'll call or text to say hi and he was thinking about me. I'll say something like I was thinking of calling u last but I wanted to give you space... His response: "why didn't you call or text me? You should have? Surferchic, I like you just as you like me. I don't need space from you...!" I felt so bad and kinda like a little silly girl. b) most nights when I stay overnight at his place , I'll get dressed and ready to go while he's in the shower. Last week he said, "damn" when he walked out the bathroom to see my fully clothed with my coat on and all. So he last time I was there, before he got in the shower he said "I got something to show u once I get out the shower"...I feel like to keep me around a little longer . And it was sweet. And it dawned on me that he may really sincere about liking me. I behave this way out of anxiety and fear that a guy may get tired of me or may just want some space. Plus, I REALLY do like giving people space rather than taking for granted they want me hanging around... I really like this guy and don't want to run him away. What's wrong with me? (If anything) How does one get past the anxiousness of "leaving" prematurely like I've done for quite sometime?
Fair Posted December 24, 2017 Posted December 24, 2017 You need a lot of inner self work. That takes time and effort. And don't watch those stupid dating advice videos, the ones that tell women they have to do a careful balancing act with men like an acrobat on a high wire or ... she'll lose him. If he's interested in you he'll do everything in his power to let you know he wants you and won't let you go... anything less... let go of him and move on, it's that simple. No need for that walking on eggshells act society tells a woman she has to put on to keep the strong, independent male while in the meantime eliminating from the equation the notion that HE'S actually supposed to do anything to keep her!! That's all you'll get from 'dating advice' columns and videos and all they'll do is cause you angst, low self esteem, and a continued desire to run for the hills before he does if you don't do everything JUST perfectly. Attraction is mutual or it isn't. That's all you need to know. 1
Nilfiry Posted December 24, 2017 Posted December 24, 2017 If you think there is a problem with yourself, then the answer is always yes. Your solution is pretty simple. Just relax and stop making assumptions on what other people want. Honest and good people will not have a problem with telling you that they want extra space, and if you are unsure, ask. Dating does not have to be a game of clues. If you are uncertain, just ASK. Communicate. It is key. 5
Author surferchic Posted December 24, 2017 Author Posted December 24, 2017 Thank you. I DO need to stop assuming. I'm working on it. Some things like that don't come easy for me, but I want to be more aware of what I'm doing. I stayed and waited longer the last time I was at his spot. I could tell he was glad I did. I really like him. There are a few wierd things he's done like "saying" he went to 3 places I'd gone right after I returned from the visits. But maybe that's just coincidence or maybe he just wanted to make me feel like he's not sitting around twiddling his thumbs....
SammySammy Posted December 24, 2017 Posted December 24, 2017 You're assuming things. The relationship between he and you is unique. It might not match what you assume to be true about men in general. What you've learned from past relationships or the experiences of friends. I think you need to find a way to really get to know this guy. Then interact with him based on the reality of the situation. Not based on what you assume he wants or needs. You know what they say about assumptions. Find what's true and what's real in the relationship. Then make your decisions based on that. I think that will close the gap between what you think he wants and what he really wants. 1
Author surferchic Posted December 24, 2017 Author Posted December 24, 2017 Thanks and yes I agree with NOT assuming things. I'm working on putting that into practice...
BaileyB Posted December 24, 2017 Posted December 24, 2017 (edited) If he wants you to leave, he will ask you to go... Talk with him. Don't try to read his mind. Relationships are always a risk. In a relationship, you are vulnerable to being hurt. So is he. You need to try to be ok with being vulnerable and learn to trust your partner. The picture in my mind of him coming out of the shower and you standing in his apartment, fully dressed in your jacket is quite cute. He was vulnerable, you were most definitely not. Fight or flight, you had put your "armour" on and you were preparing to fly... Good luck! Edited December 24, 2017 by BaileyB 2
Author surferchic Posted December 25, 2017 Author Posted December 25, 2017 So, another BIG thing going on right now is that I'm moving away... like 6 hours away. I told him a few weeks ago and he was like "wow..." and reminded me that he'd like to go to this workshop with me that I attend once a week. So I told him we can aim for this weekend which is my last weekend here. Of course I'm glad he's interested in doing things with me that give him a view into my life. But... in texting "good morning handsome" to him this morning and him texting back "hey SEXY!!!", I ended up asking him if he'd come visit me. He said "DEFINITELY". When I asked him how often, he only said " I don't know". I stopped communication at that point because it made me feel like crap... so I'm a bit ambivalent about him right now. I'm never a b*tch to people unless I've absolutely been disrespected. I respect his honesty of saying he didn't know, but dang... couldn't he at least say "I don't know RIGHT NOW" or "not sure yet"? Am I wrong for expecting more of a response? Ughhh I hate stuff like this...
staggerlee71 Posted December 25, 2017 Posted December 25, 2017 you can only be so lucky. this guy is on top of his need. considers your need. and is direct, honest, and transparent. His I don't know response is legit, and ill bet, when he gets more info, and he will cause he will go it. he will let you know where he stands. You however, will royally **** this up with your BS. hope he has it in him to guide you where you think you want to go. which is questionable all the best,
Author surferchic Posted December 25, 2017 Author Posted December 25, 2017 I've started this thread because I'm trying to change how I interact in uncomfortable situations within my relationships. I've improved some things and now I feel like I need SPECIFIC feedback to find out what part of my interactions with this guy are questionable or cold. I honestly don't mean harm. I just get nervous sometimes and don't say the more deeper things that I feel sometimes. I do have anxiety which I'm working on but I didn't think it was that bad... Thanks for "constructive" feedback.
staggerlee71 Posted December 25, 2017 Posted December 25, 2017 right, so you say what you want to say cause it comes from truth. you behave how you behave cause it comes from truth. you go for what you want and control your own need becasuse your confident. just do it.!! if he he doesn't like it then its wrong! Act natural, live it up, get what you want, no apologies. when dating breaks down, its not because you were not doing what he wanted. its because you were doing what you wanted. get it own it!! I cant possibly know anything about this situation but my gut says he take you as you are
Author surferchic Posted December 25, 2017 Author Posted December 25, 2017 I cant possibly know anything about this situation but my gut says he take you as you are I think that's accurate...he most likely DOES take for for who I am, and vice versa. I feel his positive energy when we're together. I make him laugh a lot and feel comfortable because I'm down to earth. He tells me that I relax him when we're together. This was before we'd had intercourse that day. he has some wierd things about him as well, right now though I'm just speaking about this particular situation because I'm MOVING AWAY... and I'm getting a bit anxious in he midst of everything else I have going on with moving. And due to my move, I feel like we're probably gonna fade out and away from each other because realistically thats what distance does. NOTE: A few weeks ago we reconnected after a short rift. I feel like the rift was related to me going out of town and catching him off guard. We were only like 2 months into dating at that point. FFWD to a few weeks ago he sends me an article of an interview he had. (He's kind of known in parts of the state we live in). The interview was about how each gender responds to relationships and heartbreak. He described the situation with me going out of town, our conversation after I got back ,his response, etc almost to a T! And he said " I loved her but i felt like she was dishonest with me and cheated". That's the vibe I got from him when I got back from out of town months ago,BUT he NEVER came out and said to me that he felt like I cheated on him... I DIDNT ! But he shut down during that time and for me it hurt because I was confused about what I'd done if anything. So this is how things go with my relationships. I often underestimate how a man fees for me. And so I'm working on myself to change my awareness or at least my empathy.
Author surferchic Posted December 25, 2017 Author Posted December 25, 2017 ...and he never told me he loved me so maybe he was talking about some other chic:o
BaileyB Posted December 25, 2017 Posted December 25, 2017 (edited) So, another BIG thing going on right now is that I'm moving away... like 6 hours away. I told him a few weeks ago and he was like "wow..." and reminded me that he'd like to go to this workshop with me that I attend once a week. So I told him we can aim for this weekend which is my last weekend here. Of course I'm glad he's interested in doing things with me that give him a view into my life. But... in texting "good morning handsome" to him this morning and him texting back "hey SEXY!!!", I ended up asking him if he'd come visit me. He said "DEFINITELY". When I asked him how often, he only said " I don't know". I stopped communication at that point because it made me feel like crap... so I'm a bit ambivalent about him right now. I'm never a b*tch to people unless I've absolutely been disrespected. I respect his honesty of saying he didn't know, but dang... couldn't he at least say "I don't know RIGHT NOW" or "not sure yet"? Am I wrong for expecting more of a response? Ughhh I hate stuff like this... Relationships are going to be hard for you, if you have unspoken expectations and if your feelings for him go up and down like a thermometer based on what he says or does not say to you... or what he does/does not do. His response to your question of how often he will come and visit you was not disrespectful. His response was noncommittal because, it hasn't happened yet. He hasn't made plans, he doesn't know how often he will visit, because you haven't moved yet... Who knows how things will go. But, he is DEFINITELY interested in coming to see you... Does he need to tell you now which weekends he will visit for the next six months? My goodness, you have your guard up so much that if says "hi" instead of "hello" to you, you will think he is being too casual and thus, he's not interested. Relationships are going to be really hard for you until you learn let go of that little voice in your head that says it "should be like this..." and "if it's not like this, then it isn't going to work out." You are so anxious, you seem to have a "I'm going to get him before he can get me" attitude and quite honestly, that will not help you to have a healthy, long term relationship. Relax. It will be ok. Even if you break up and it doesn't work out, you will still be ok. Edited December 25, 2017 by BaileyB
Author surferchic Posted December 25, 2017 Author Posted December 25, 2017 (edited) Relationships are going to be hard for you, if you have unspoken expectations and if your feelings for him go up and down like a thermometer based on what he says or does not say to you... or what he does/does not do. His response to your question of how often he will come and visit you was not disrespectful. His response was noncommittal because, it hasn't happened yet. He hasn't made plans, he doesn't know how often he will visit, because you haven't moved yet... Who knows how things will go. But, he is DEFINITELY interested in coming to see you... Does he need to tell you now which weekends he will visit for the next six months? My goodness, you have your guard up so much that if says "hi" instead of "hello" to you, you will think he is being too casual and thus, he's not interested. Relationships are going to be really hard for you until you learn let go of that little voice in your head that says it "should be like this..." and "if it's not like this, then it isn't going to work out." You are so anxious, you seem to have a "I'm going to get him before he can get me" attitude and quite honestly, that will not help you to have a healthy, long term relationship. Relax. It will be ok. Even if you break up and it doesn't work out, you will still be ok. Thanks for the feedback and honesty. I just want to point out though, that I have not said or done anything negative to him. I'm merely venting and thinking out loud here to sort out my thoughts. My internal battle with myself is pretty strong at times and most men only see the part where I shutdown or walk away because I don't like discord. Im not the type who will spend energy yelling or arguing, instead I shutdown. I will assert myself no doubt, but beyond the questions I posed here in LS, staying laid back seems to be my MO and men confuse it with me not caring. But I do care especially with regard to my current situation. Edited December 25, 2017 by surferchic
BaileyB Posted December 25, 2017 Posted December 25, 2017 You are like a raging river... All calm and smooth on the surveys but Raging and swirling underneath. I that, because I can sometimes be the same. It's not a fun place to be. I hope you can learn to happier in your relationship in the future. Merry Christmas.
Author surferchic Posted December 25, 2017 Author Posted December 25, 2017 You are like a raging river... All calm and smooth on the surveys but Raging and swirling underneath. I that, because I can sometimes be the same. It's not a fun place to be. I hope you can learn to happier in your relationship in the future. Merry Christmas. Yep, that's me. Until I decide to truly be indifferent on the inside and out. Which also happens often with me. Nevertheless, thanks BaileyB. Season's greetings.
Author surferchic Posted December 27, 2017 Author Posted December 27, 2017 So he speaks his truth: It isn't a huge deal and it's nothing great, but I can appreciate him speaking his truth. As we were texting the other day out of the blue I told him that I missed doing an intimate thing to him... He responded with pleasure and shock. He was like, " wow.... d@mn! You just excited me!" I played coy..."what do you mean?" His truth: " I'm not a complainer BUT Its just amazing because when we're together and I kiss you I get REALLY aroused and then you seem as if you don't want to be touched because you stop me so. I started pleasuring myself while touching you as you slept because I didn't think you wanted to make love.." Note: (we did end up making love and I made him climax just FYI.) I asked him why he doesn't bring his stuff up in that moment. He says again, " like I said I'm not a complainer..." LSS, I told him I wanted him to communicate that stuff to me in the moment moving forward and that I don't see it as complaining. He agreed and I explained why I stopped SOMETIMES, (legitimate reasons). He understood . But again I don't stop all the time so I felt like he does complain more than I may realize. He's hinted at me "telling him No" a few times before but he joked so I brushed it off. Now I'm letting him know I HEAR him and wanted him to communicate as he would want me to do the same.
Author surferchic Posted December 29, 2017 Author Posted December 29, 2017 (edited) When I see posts from men who write stuff like "take it from me , he's a player. I know because I'm one." That can be counterproductive IMO because everyone responds based on their own narrative unless their a therapist or extremely wise and objective individual. The guy I mention in this thread seemed a bit wierd early in our relationship when I had a few places slated to travel to. Several hours away and for a week away. Each time I went somewhere, he said he also was going there.... like as soon as I would return(a few days after I would return) NO EXAGGERATION. Then he would seem distant (via text/calls) once I would return. WHAT I WILL SAY with certainty is that he seems to prefer talking more than texting, which I appreciate. However, I don't mind texting more because it gives me time to process things and respond as I see fit. I am a slow processor sometimes and so is he as he calls himself a "Thinker"... and he is.... sometimes excessively. He definitely changes his communication frequency and style around the times that I am scheduled to travel. It's annoying and makes me feel like he's intentionally trying to push me away since I'm moving anyway... Should I initiate dialogue w/him to address what our relationship will be once I move? Or should I just let things fade or just wait see what happens? Edited December 29, 2017 by surferchic
Baking4u Posted December 29, 2017 Posted December 29, 2017 I can understand how you feel. And hope things get better. Any updates? You remind me of myself a bit.
GemmaUK Posted December 29, 2017 Posted December 29, 2017 I dunno, it sort of sounds like you have things all in your head and don't necessarily communicate them? 'I don't know' to how often he might visit is a perfectly reasonable response at the point you appear to be at but that bummed you out. These times you have gone away - did you tell him about these trips when you knew they were coming up? As in, when you were first aware they were happening?
Author surferchic Posted December 29, 2017 Author Posted December 29, 2017 I dunno, it sort of sounds like you have things all in your head and don't necessarily communicate them? 'I don't know' to how often he might visit is a perfectly reasonable response at the point you appear to be at but that bummed you out. These times you have gone away - did you tell him about these trips when you knew they were coming up? As in, when you were first aware they were happening? Thanks. Yeah some things are in my head and some are not. But you're right about me not communicating my thoughts sometimes. Things is, I'm not sure he's any better. Yes, I did communicate my travels to him as soon as I deemed it appropriate. Interestingly enough, I met him during the time when these trips were already planned so I couldn't just spill all my plans to him on our first date... so I told him as soon as I realized we might be seeing each other more frequently. So that was about 2 weeks before my first trip(work related, but he knew other male coworkers were going). And about 2 weeks after that I was headed to my next trip. So I could kind of feel he tension because my reason for going was personal . Had NOTHING to do with another man... I promise it didn't but just meeting him I could not give him all that information and up until now he has made comments to someone else hinting at the fact that he didn't feel like I was completely honest with him. I gave him half of the reason for my second trip but in its entirety, is too much at this stage in our relationship. Before each trip he acted as if he wanted to go to the same places once I returned... sounded stupid to me but that's what he said. And now, I feel like we're at a crossroad because I'm actually moving away this time for several months. So I don't know if I should call, text or wait to see him in person to tell him my intention while I'm away and tell him that I'd like to continue seeing him if that's what he wants. Im at a loss right now because he's being distant. So I'm not going to beg him to talk.
Baking4u Posted December 30, 2017 Posted December 30, 2017 Hey. I know exactly how you must be feeling. I'm sure it's pretty frustrating for you. And I'm not defending him but it sounds he's a bit flustered as well, but doesn't know how to address his emotions and feelings to you. The going out of town thing seems really weird though. You go somewhere, he goes somewhere... whew... How long do you think this is going to go on. And how long do you honestly think you can put up with that? I'm just saying... When do you actually move? I have already moved out of town and it's becoming stressful already. My situation is so similar to yours it's crazy.
Author surferchic Posted December 30, 2017 Author Posted December 30, 2017 Hey. I know exactly how you must be feeling. I'm sure it's pretty frustrating for you. And I'm not defending him but it sounds he's a bit flustered as well, but doesn't know how to address his emotions and feelings to you. The going out of town thing seems really weird though. You go somewhere, he goes somewhere... whew... How long do you think this is going to go on. And how long do you honestly think you can put up with that? I'm just saying... When do you actually move? I have already moved out of town and it's becoming stressful already. My situation is so similar to yours it's crazy. Thanks a lot. Yes it is frustrating. What's making it worse is that I haven't even heard from him today. It's like he's saying "now! See how it feels". I can't keep beating myself up. I never had any ill intent with him. He went cold a few months ago because of his suspicions which were not in any way valid. I move next week.......... yep...... good thing is that i can use it as a fresh start . Especially if this dude keeps acting like a fool!
GemmaUK Posted December 30, 2017 Posted December 30, 2017 I don't think he is being a fool. I think he just doesn't know where he stands at all. You have been the flakier of the two of you from the sound of it. Maybe starting dating when you know you have lots of trips imminent plus moving away completely isn't the best plan.
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