Cheated on by separated man...just need support

[ashleyneale]

Sorry in advance for my long rambling post....

I am sitting here by myself on Xmas eve and feel so sad and lonely that I am reaching out to anyone who can relate.

I met someone 18 months ago. I had been separated for 3 years and dated a few people, I was ready for something more serious. I met this man online and his profile said he was separated. It turned out after a few really nice dates (played gold, went out for dinner) that he was under the same roof. He said their marriage had been dead for years and that he had told her in the last few months that he no longer wanted to be there. I told him I wasn't interested in seeing him unless he was living alone. A month later he had moved out and contacted me again wanting to continue to see each other.

Long story short, we had a year of getting to know each other and in the end made plans to blend our families, travel, build a life together. I loved him a lot and he always told me how happy he was, how much he loved me etc. It seemed to be pretty good apart from the fact that he was too scared to tell his ex that he was in a new relationship or tell his kids.

Two months ago we went on a holiday, and while we were there I found messages on his phone from a young woman, naked pictures... they were chatting and he had called her. This had taken place 3 months before I found them and there was no further contact after a few inappropriate messages and a conversation. (phone sex??) I confronted him then and there about it and he was really upset and remorseful. He said that he had no idea why he did it, that it was a fantasy. He said that he thought her profile was a fake one anyway as there was only a few pics on it from 4 years prior and they all looked like different women. He asked me to please forgive him and give him a chance to make it up to me, that he accepted all responsibility, it would never happen again and that he would go to couples counselling with me.

I tried to move past it, but 2 months later I was still extremely anxious and I couldn't relax. I was constantly thinking that he was lying to me, or chatting to other women online, despite the fact that he kept reassuring me and that he'd never do anything like that again. We went out one night a month ago and afterwards he dropped me home, didn't say a word and then went out drinking without me. I couldn't face any more of the anxiety and I called things off with him the next day.

He has been asking me again if we can work through all of our problems together, but I just can't get over the uncertainty. After a year together he still hadn't introduced me to his kids and had only just told his ex that he was in love with someone else. I have felt like I was hidden out of his life this whole time.

Have I done the right thing to end things? I feel like I have but it HURTS so much, and I miss him. I feel sick when I think of him getting naked photos and calling this so called 'fake' profile. Deep down I feel like I need to just move on from all of this bull****, but I feel like I have nobody to talk to. I can't bare to tell people that he cheated on me, so friends don't know the full story. But also, nobody has really checked in with me to see if I'm ok. It's like nobody cares that I'm going through this painful breakup alone. I hate this feeling of being alone. My kids are with their father and I'm by myself tonight. I feel deeply sad, rejected and forgotten about. Feel like all my dreams have come crashing down. Can anyone give me some advice or just some words to let me know I'm not the only one who's gone through this? Thanks.

[Sunlight72]

Hi ashleyneale - welcome to LoveShack. I'm sorry to read you've had such a dumpy past few months, and I'm sorry you're feeling alone and crushed.

 

Yes, I've been there. It was pretty awful. My situation was different - but the result was similar to yours. 18 months 'together', and it turned my world upside down.

 

Even though I should have been relieved when we split, I felt like a failure and a lost cause. I had invested so much hope and patience in the relationship that I was terribly depressed, and none of my friends seemed to care, and only one knew even 1/4 of the worst of it. I felt really alone and life seemed completely gray and pointless.

 

In the places it isn't numb, it hurts.

 

Even worse though, it just doesn't make sense. Why? You weren't demanding, you weren't hung up on someone else, you weren't judgemental, you were present and open. What more could you have done?

 

I'm sorry.

 

On the positive side, I am impressed that you stopped seeing him when he told you he was still living with his wife. I am impressed that you confronted him directly and right away about the conversations & pictures when you saw them. I'm proud of you for breaking it off with him when he went out without telling you, and wouldn't publicly celebrate your relationship.

 

It's not much consolation, but you're more than a year ahead of where I was when I ended my bad relationship - which means you've got a good shot at doing well in 2018.

 

Hugs and tea to you now. I hope you have some good Christmas smiles with your kids.

 

Best Wishes,

Sunlight

[Sunlight72]

Also, the good news is that years later, my life has had ups, ups, and downs, and ups. I've learned a Lot about myself and relationship skills, thanks in part to this forum. My life isn't perfect, but it is good, and I am happy to have a better handle on my present and future.

 

You can get here too. If you come out of this in the next few months in a positive direction, this will be the lowest point of your journey. Which means starting tomorrow, each day has the chance to be one half step better. No further down. You're on the right road.

[ashleyneale]

Sunlight72 - Thank you very much for your reply. You actually triggered me into another bout of crying with your kind words. I like how you picked out the positives in my situation, that's the biggest challenge isn't it? Trying to find the slivers of light in the darkness.

 

I'm glad to hear that you have learnt and gained growth from your experiences, and I am trying to focus on that too. It's just so frustrating how my mind keeps saying maybe I am being too quick to call things off. My first reaction to this type of behaviour is to walk away, move on and find someone who will honour and value the relationship the way I do. And yet... as I get older (41) and I've come out the other side of divorce, I wonder if maybe life just isn't that black and white anymore. Maybe there was enough good there to salvage? I can't tell if I really have given too much of myself to someone who doesn't deserve it, or I am being too hard on someone who has made a genuine mistake and has learnt a valuable lesson from it.

 

This is the part that screws with your mind and keeps you going around and around and stuck. It's only been a month since I called things off... do I just need to push through the pain barrier and look forward?

 

I would love to hear from people who have walked away from painful relationships and been so glad that they did in the end. At the moment, I keep thinking that I might regret my decision to end things with him.

 

He was a very good man in lots of ways, but certainly didn't put our relationship first, and of course.... will he just cheat again if we got back together? I don't want a relationship where I'm always worried, but is it my responsibility to get to a place of security regardless of what he is doing?

 

Again, thank you for taking the time to reply. Merry Christmas!

[GemmaUK]

If you do get back together you are telling him cheating is OK and that you will come back if he does it again.

 

You could well have been his rebound and he was dishonest about being separated, then dishonest continuing seeing you whilst having some kind of a fling.

 

I broke up with a partner of 14 years about a month before Christmas and I had a few wobbles too - Christmas compounds it all. It really does..

 

Give yourself a realistic 3 months, see how you feel then - I promise you'll be in a much better place. You don't just fall out of love, it takes time to realise you're worth far more than what he is able to give.

 

Honestly too, Christmas is a time when reaching out to friends is expected, make a plan or two if you can to meet some friends and do tell them. You have nothing to be ashamed of. He did this, not you. Your friends will empower you and make sure to make you laugh and let you cry too.

 

Have a Merry Christmas, you had plenty before and you will have plenty more in the future too. Give yourself a break, this is just step one right after a shock and the realisation that he was just no good and not a good man. Sometimes we can see it right away and sometimes it takes time to discover - it just took time in this situation but you made the right choice. x

[act00]

I'm sorry you're going through all this, but it sounds like you did the right thing. I don't mean to kick you when you're down, but this is why you avoid people who are recently out of a long-term relationship, and he wasn't even divorced when he met you. You never said he finalized that. You were probably a rebound, he wants to play, and it's possible this wasn't the only time he strayed.

 

After nearly two years, you should have met his children, and he yours, and taken time to do things as a family. I don't think it's necessary to physically tell the ex you're dating. The ex will learn about it through the kids and other friends/family, and if the ex has concerns she can reach out. Regardless, this relationship seemed to be hush-hush, and that is a problem after several months have gone by and you were seemingly committed, ready to move forward, blend families, etc.

 

Christmas is going to compound the pain, but I think it's time you reach out and don't be ashamed that he cheated. Let people know what's going on so that they can offer support.

 

If this is going to work out, you could probably use some couple's counselling. It's terribly difficult to work through infidelity, and there are no guarantees.

 

When my kids were little, having that little break when they were at their dad's for Cmas Eve was nice for me. I could clean up, set up Santa, and watch movies, and be ready to go on Cmas day when they got home. Try to consider this time as some much-needed mommy break and please reach out to people. They can't be your support if they don't know what's going on.

[Hopeful30]

I think it's wise to take a step back and get out of this situation. By being involved in it, seems like you were only hurting yourself.

 

This is a very valuable experience, and something tells me that you will never find yourself in the same situation in the future. You will be able to recognize things before they develop for the worst, and this situation will be to thank.

 

Hang in there girl, you got this. You're getting through it one day at a time. Before you know it, you will look back on it as the lesson it is, and be the smarter and stronger for it. It's just hard to see that now.

[smackie9]

You should never feel ashamed as to what happened to you. I know you feel you don't want to burden anyone during the holiday, but they are your friends/family, let them know so they can be with you. You are not a burden, and they won't want you to be alone on Christmas, dealing with this. Learn to trust those who are closest, they will help you.

[she'stheone]

Hi ashleyneale,

 

I am sorry you’re having a such tough time. Hopefully my story helps…

When I met my ex-wife, I was, at best, emotionally immature.

 

The problem for me (and unfortunately for my ex-wife) was, I was in no way emotionally ready for a committed relationship (unless it was being committed to a mental hospital).

 

But that didn’t stop me from marrying her (and hurting her as well).

 

We were engaged within 6 months and married in a year. Things went downhill fast.

 

I knew I should ask for a divorce but I just to insecure and too much of a coward at the time.

 

As my marriage got worse, I began doing some personal development work. Through this work and over a 10 year period, I was able to work up the courage to ask for a divorce.

 

I felt as though a weight was lifted and I began doing spiritual work as well. After taking some Theta Healing workshops, I manifested my soul mate, who I am living with today.

 

It seems to me, you know in your heart, this man is not right for you, you’re scared to break it off and I most certainly get that.

 

Unfortunately, I think too many of us settle because we’re too afraid of being alone. Then we end up unhappy and resent our partner for our mistakes.

 

Personal development work can grow your self-esteem to the point you don’t NEED someone, you simply want someone. That’s when you’ll find the right man for you.

 

Sending you much love and light

[jjgitties]

Hi OP, sorry to read your post and hope today is a little better.

 

Quite honestly, I am not sure what the right decision was to be made with this man but you do seem to have able to made decisions that are in your best interests and to stick to them -- which is a very good thing. A lot of posters on here don't have that sort of conviction.

 

From your story, its a little concerning that he seemed to have a) lied to you from the start (he said he was separated/divorced but was actually still living with the ex-wife -- so the relationship sort of got off on a bed of lies) and b) he already started turning towards internet online sex quite early in the relationship. It's quite obvious that this really offended you. One can only assume his actions would have gotten worse as the relationship continued. So I think maybe you did do the right thing. As others have said, wait a few months before you make any further actions with this man. Actually, I even think if you wait 3 months, it might make him want to be with you and take the relationship more seriously if you do decide to be with him.

[ashleyneale]

Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply to me. It has been helpful to hear the opinion of several people who do not know me and can listen to the situation completely objectively.

 

Deep down I know that I can do better than this man. I do love him, and he did have a lot of good traits or I wouldn't have spent the year getting to know him and being patient with him. But if I'm being 100% honest, there were a lot of red flags that I ignored, the cheating was really the push that I needed as I was already questioning whether or not we were right for each other. Although I would've worked through any of the challenges that came up, the cheating just killed it for me. I've never tried to push on after infidelity before and I think that I learned it's something I just can't do. Once that trust is gone everything just loses it's shine and you can't enjoy the relationship anyway.

 

It doesn't stop the missing him and the hurting and the wishing that I could just go back to the beginning when I first met him and had hopes for the future. But like some of you have said, I'm just trying to take each day at a time and not think too much about what's coming. The pain mainly comes when I picture how I'll feel when I hear that he has moved on with someone else.

 

I'm with family now that it's Christmas and that has definitely helped the loneliness, not completely but it has helped.

Thank you again everyone for replying... I really appreciate you all taking that time to share your advice with me.