Coping up

[Akashsingh]

I am a 39 yr old male who had two relationship failures in my 30s that resulted in major psychological breakdowns.

 

First, I was married and it ended in divorce. Our relationship was never perfect, however; I was deeply emotionally attached to my wife. Since the physical relationship was not good, I started talking about the break up with my wife and also seeking out for sex (which was not good of me at that time). The relationship turned a little violent to the point I pushed my wife a couple of times. Basically instead of taking honorable exit, I was trying to hang on to someone that was already broken. One day she called cops on me and from that point on, there was no looking back. The roller coaster of a nasty divorce started and 2 yrs later we settled our divorce. I was initially angry and happy at the separation but when my ex wife filed the papers, I was distraught, depressed and I tried to stop it. At the time of settlement , I again met my ex and asked her if she wanted to work things out. There was still anger left over from the past, more importantly inside me than her and she wanted to go separate ways. Finally we divorced. I feel although we married only once, we divorced twice. Once when we separated and once when we actually divorced. The final divorce actually shattered me. After the divorce was finalized, my ex wanted to invite me over , "to pick up my left items" . I simply was so hurt that I didn't go meet her. She moved on , relocated. I was depressed for 4-5 months, lost my job (which was a good thing actually) and went on with my life. I was like, I will be single and she can contact me back anytime she liked. She never did. Both of us have a big big ego. It left a deep scar inside me that my ex left the marriage without kids , 33 yrs old and me being her only real relationship in life.

 

As a coping mechanism, my ex was initially depressed quite a bit, then she started posting good looking pictures of her on social media wearing all the gifts I had given her. Just to make me jealous and indicate she was happy in life. I unfriended her, however did not delete her pictures from my social media as they were part of my life's memories. Later on I found out that she was not really happy, depressed, not dating anyone and had put on weight and not at her best. I felt so bad at that. However I left things as they were, didn't contact her. Her not finding another partner & the violent nature of our breakup creates a pit in my stomach and I am unable myself to date other women due to this feeling. I feel guilty and ashamed of myself having destroyed her life.

 

 

Secondly, after finalizing our divorce, I found a job in one of the best companies in the world. I made new friends. To my surprise, a few married women found me very friendly and comfortable to work with. A male friend warned me to stay away from them, but I told him, I was not dating them or doing anything inappropriate and additionally I didn't want to discriminate between men and women. He left me at that.

 

While we were at a baby shower of one of our coworkers, I went in their as a clown made everyone laugh and people had fun. A petite, cute woman was there, although I noticed her presence and saw she was attractive, I knew she was married and I didn't interact with her at that time. She noticed me too.

 

A few weeks later, a manager at the company , another woman friend of mine, introduced me to this woman and said she was joining our team and will be working with me. I felt that she sought out working with us based on the fun we had at the party. Initially, she was working in another work area , related to mine, but, not exactly over lapping duties. I kind of wanted to be nice to her, build my team but I didnt like anyone new interfering in my work. She kept a good rapport with me and my team and she used to come to my desk more often than not. Again someone reaching out. We kept working together and one day I had butted my heads with my boss. He set out a meeting and then he announced, this cute woman would be more involved than me and she would be primary if there was a dispute, meaning I was being demoted and she was supervisory. My initial thought was to seek out another job. I also felt, maybe I was tough to work with and I would have shut her down thats why my boss was setting it up this way. I had mixed feelings.

 

However, this woman was very nice and friendly with me. She treated me like a friend. She saw that our boss was being an ass with me for no real reason. At the same time, our boss really liked her and he started disliking me. I helped her get up to speed and although we butted heads a few times, she always took a step back and sometimes I also yielded to her. (I am usually after my divorce, some type of an unyielding and uncompromising person). She and I went on a business trip which she had planned and had invited me to join with her. Since she is married, I kept my distance with her. She called me from the airport saying she had no car, so I drove her around on the business trip to and from work. On the way we stopped to get food for her. On the way back from work to airport, we spent 1-2 hours together at the airport. This was some of the best time we spent together. Although not romantic, it was getting to know each other. She knew I was divorced and never brought that up. She never brought up her family life either (her husband and a kid) except for once or twice about her parents. I never ever made a move on her or touched her , even a handshake respecting her boundaries. Although there was one incident where she had started walking towards my hotel room, I quickly reminded her that her room was on the other side. She said oh sorry and walked back.

 

We kept working together, she loved working with me, I cracked jokes, she used to come to my desk by this time to encourage me to crack jokes and have fun, I made her laugh everyday. At this time, she could barely spend her work day without talking to me or without being in the same meeting as me.

 

Later on we worked on a couple of really hard projects, that I made successful. I asked her to join the projects and she did. She was really impressed with me. However, she butted heads with one of the co workers I liked and she was involved in firing this co worker, which I deeply disliked. I was also a bit jealous about her annotation over me and I finished my projects faster to prove I was a valuable employee. By this time, my boss (original) had restarted warming upto me. He saw she had good time around me and I took good care of her work. By the way she is 5 yrs younger than me.

 

My ex wife is a very shy person, this woman is very outgoing smart, capable , someone who reaches out and seeks people. etc. In short, extreme of introvert vs extreme of extrovert.

 

By early this year, she started texting me at nights about work , how I was doing etc. if I had business trips then she would wait for me to reach my destination and text me. A lot of 1:1 conversation after work. Initially, I answered her texts and kept the conversation to the bare minimum necessary to answer her question, but she kept on asking more and more questions and sometimes not work related. Nothing salacious or sexual. At this point I began feeling that she had developed feelings for me. So I politely told her that my work load was burning me out specially after work hours and I preferred privacy. She ignored it, and kept messaging me almost 3-4 days a week, except weekend. We both were a ray of hope, sunshine at work that made each other show up to work motivated and loving our jobs. Towards the end, she would sit at my desk, real close to me. Tease me in front of all my co workers and then if any single woman tried to approach me at work, she would like a gate keeper, zoom in, take me away or hijack the conversation by blocking those women. It had all the signs of attraction written all over.

 

Soon, I started working on another project in which she didnt like another male coworker of mine, so she refused to participate and infect told me to reject his project. I made friends with him and this was another BIG project that I helped make successful. She also recommended my name to our boss (the original ass who had hired me but then turned mean) for possible permanent hire (I was a contractor). I asked for a job that was at her peer level. My boss was ass again and he refused. He didnt explain why or when but he just said , you wont get it. I refused the job he was trying to offer me which was one level below her and reported to a different manager at her peer level. The relationship then turned from bad to worse, but I didnt tell her anything that was going on behind the scenes. She probably knew or got to know later but I didnt tell her.

 

This kind of started the breakup, I was distancing myself from her, working from another building. She would call me , basically just to talk and ask how I was and whether my work load was heavy that I had to work from another building.

 

Another project came this time and she brought in her old friend from another department to work with us. This created an initial chaos as I was caught by surprise. I thought she was jealous that I was kind of separating and wanted to get me fired or I didnt know what the hell was up. We butted heads. I worked on a few projects that I was interested in and not she wanted me to do. In every meeting, she also sat next to me and I ignored her in those. She is very social and socially aware. Her social skills are excellent. So I am sure she noticed and was offended quite a bit.

 

 

After a bit of separation, I felt, I missed her, so we go together again one day at work and we had a lot of fun. That night she texted me. After some talk, I broke off saying I needed some sleep. She said good night and I didnt return good night message.

 

 

She was bit too pissed off at this. At the next meeting she accused me of passing inappropriate comments, was quite directive, do this, do that etc. I knew why this was. IHowever, even after a week she had not mellowed down. Next week was the same. She was humiliating me in front of my other co workers giving me menial work to do on purpose. And she was also smiling wickedly in those meetings, looking at me as if how powerful she was.

 

After this, I texted her that she was interfering in my job duties and I needed space and she could not treat me the way she did. The conversation turned ugly soon. She reached out to our boss who was as ass to me to begin with and I was abruptly reassigned to this new manager that he had initially proposed.

 

 

The new manager was dictatorial. He and I instantly butted heads. I think he anyways wanted to get rid of me or didnt want me, so he was being difficult on purpose. so I ended up losing my job as I refused to be hired under this manager, abruptly and on unpleasant terms. The only savior was , I was not escorted out of building. I was given 2 months of notice to find another gig.

 

 

The original woman manager , who is now my friend, asked me what happened and I told her how this woman she had initially introduced to me was treating me in the meeting and I asked if I should apologize. She said no, not needed or appropriate. It seems they both go back a few years.

 

As soon as I was reassigned project, this woman that I was working with and we were mutually attracted to, started posting happy pictures of herself with her husband (which she had not done for over a yr). I instantly connected this with how my ex wife reacted to the breakup. Was de ja vu for me.

 

After 4-6 weeks she was not any more angry at me and wanted to connect and chat, however, I was mad and not really ready to talk with her and wanted to move on. I didn't say hello or anything. I just ignored her. Finally, before leaving, I dropped her an email in anger as to how less of an empathy she had for me for the way she treated me and how much she under appreciated my work on her projects with a copy to our ass boss.

 

When I walked out my last day, she was standing there near one of my co workers desk. I believe she was there on purpose. She knew I was walking away permanently. However, she didnt look at me. I looked at her. But she had perhaps too much emotion or whatever, she kept looking at her phone and I walked off forever. That was the last time I ever saw her physically and we parted away without ever apologizing to each other or saying good bye.

 

After I left, I was extremely angry and although I got a couple of job interviews, I screwed them up in anger. So here I am , 6 more months unemployed from breakup , depression around that. I kept myself busy attending classes, hiking, driving my new car etc. This was my coping mechanism. I was actually enjoying my life, unemployed.

 

She was coping too, a few weeks later she posted pictures of my coworkers who were left behind on Facebook and although I am not connected with her, she tagged my friend in it, so I could see them. I didnt react to them at all. So she started tagging more friends of mine in those photos.

 

she also took pictures of herself with this woman friend who had initially introduced us and started tagging her, their daughters etc. Just so I see them and either to inflict emotional pain on me to see what I had lost.

 

As recently, she started traveling and meeting her old college male friends without her husband etc and tried to look as good as she can at her very best.

 

Having gone through a divorce before, and seen my ex's breakup behavior, I recognized these coping mechanisms of emotional loss. Some of you may disagree but I talked to one therapist on a date afterwards. She and I 100% agree on this

 

I was angry for about 5 months and I vented my anger at a group of friends. To my surprise, nobody blamed me. However, one friend offered support. He said, only I could help myself and I had to let the negative emotions go. I was still angry for a day. Then I decided to let it go. Soon after that I started crying and how much I missed this woman.

 

I am writing this today because, I was in my bath tub, crying all day, thinking about her and thinking how I lost the best person that ever came to my life and how stupid I was. But then, when I broke up, I was thinking of her husband and her little daughter and I didnt want to do anything that would take this little kids parents away from her or split her family. I had to choose between bad and worse, appear as a moron who sought married women ( I would have most likely failed in that anyways) or even if I had succeeded, I was horrified , that my ex was still single despite our breakup and I absolutely didn't not wish such havoc on another woman or family.

 

However, I also felt so terrible today as to what type of emotional hell I might have put this woman through after a nasty workplace breakup.

 

Surprisingly it seems my ex has also gotten the wind of my job loss and she now seems happy and is posting pictures on social media.

 

I connected with a common male co worker of ours yesterday after a gap of 6 months. I sought him out. He didn't call me initially. Later he did. It was an emotional call. He asked me to come back to work. He said he loved working with me and would love to work with me soon again in future. I told him, I was not in a position at the moment to hire him or get him to work with me and he was better off working with her. I also told him, I would not come back to the company despite it being one of the most sought after jobs on the planets. He was at a loss to understand why. He told me, I had a big ego and also this woman that I worked with. and that our ending up in a fight was inevitable.

 

Since then, its hurting me even more, I am crying more often and today was a very depressing day after that. Its quite lonely, the drama and vengeance is over and I hope I can cope and move on soon.

Edited December 24, 2017 by Akashsingh

[Akashsingh]

Since no one replied or commented , I wanted to ask, which of these women would ever, are likely to come back for friendship or more. Which of these two women if they come back should I pursue.