Have you ever got over an ex without moving on to someone else?

[HumanMachine]

From past experiences the best way for me to move on when hurting over an ex was to date someone else. Right now and for the foreseeable future I do not want to date/hookup with anyone, I want to get over these feelings on my own accord. Have you ever been successful with moving on without the need of another partner? Was it harder? If you could go back would you do the same, or start dating?

[CaliBabe]

Yes I have. It was the most healthy way of getting over my ex and it gave me a chance to really work through my issues. I was able to spend all my time and energy just on me and my well being and my self improvement. It was very therapeutic. I was so emotionally healthy not needing to use someone else as a crutch. Truly changes you. Good for you for making this decision for yourself.

[basil67]

Sure. Back in the olden days, we couldn't order replacement dates online. We'd just be single for as long as it took to meet a new person. During that time, you'd recover.

[grays]

I dated a lot, but I didn't invest a lot of time or energy in any one person. I ended up with several long term fwb's which was great because I had some companionship and affection. Now I've been single for almost three and a half years since my 25 year marriage ended and just now getting into a real relationship for the first time. Its hard to know as you're going along if you're doing the right thing, but from where I stand now, it feels like that was all just right for me.

[clist8511]

Interesting topic.

 

After my 2015 break up, I immediately started dating and entered a relationship with someone else. It didn't go well at all.

 

My 2017 break up has been horrid, and instead of dating I'm trying what the people above have said; to take time to heal. I often wonder if it would be easier just to find someone else and then my mind would be distracted.

 

I'm yet to see if this way works.

[Mystyry]

Yes and that is the only way I have ever moved on. I find it very hard to date again after a break up. I tried once going on dates to help speed the healing process, and found it did the opposite. Eventually feelings catch up with you and the effect is magnified, as you weren’t properly dealing with them.

 

I have been going through a breakup in the past month, and honestly I can’t even imagine dating anyone right now, the emotions are that raw, and I was the initiator of the BU. So OP be prepared for deep pain right away, but I do believe this is the best way to heal. Then you will also not bring any baggage into the next relationship you begin. Good luck.

[SpecialJ]

Yes, and I think for big heartbreaks, it's the best way to go. But I didn't used to think that way. I wouldn't get into full-on rebound relationships, but I kind of thought dating and hooking up with people was how society was telling me to get over being dumped (and fixing feeling "less than" and undesirable right after things went south). I tend to over analyze and rationalized the advice as the best way to get over someone was by meeting someone else because I think too much and it would take my mind off the ex. And I couldn't figure out why that seemed to work for everyone else in life except me. No matter who I was with briefly after breakups, I'd still have some feelings for the ex until enough time had passed that I was actually ready to move forward with someone new, which usually took maaaany months. (Spoiler alert: it doesn't work for EVERYONE ELSE either.)

 

A few years ago was the last time I tried to immediately distract myself (made out with an acquaintance literally a few hours after a guy I was really into dumped me), and it was a disaster and made me feel gross. Plus, I had to reject that other guy when he came on too strong, which made me feel even worse. I truly realized then that distracting myself like that never helped. It actually gave me anxiety (casual hookups aren't for me plus I don't like to feel like I'm using people), it didn't fix my wounded pride, it didn't make me feel less ashamed that I'd cared more than whichever ex had dumped me, etc. I needed internal not external validation. So, I never did it again.

 

I dealt with my last really big heartbreak by traveling, doing some things I'd never done before, staying in good shape, and taking better control of my career (I forced myself to keep moving forward even though I also cried a LOT). I went on dates here and there to check if I was emotionally available yet, and I didn't shame myself for going a long time without kissing someone else because it didn't actually mean I was "losing" the breakup. I tried to put my stubborn, immature pride to the side and focused on nourishing my ego and self-esteem through growth instead. It took 8 months, but then I was good to go again without regrets and as a better partner. I'm still single another 6 months later, with a couple failed flings and lots of one-off dates, but my mindset will still be way better now if I meet the right person.

 

So I'm a big advocate now for taking a break, focusing on yourself, feeling all your feelings, and checking in periodically to see if you're ready -- at least if the goal is to come out of the heartbreak ready for a serious relationship and having learned from your past mistakes. You don't hurt others along the way, either. At least for me, it felt way healthier and more productive than drowning my sorrows in another person or in partying until I finally felt ready to deal with the pain.

 

However, I also still think that if you're trying to get over a short but intense fling you had with someone who you know wasn't right for you, it probably wasn't life-changing and a palate cleanser (finding someone new) over tons of self-work can work just as well. Which doesn't sound like what you're asking about here

Edited December 24, 2017 by SpecialJ

[yaya1289]

Interesting topic. After my break up with my ex fiancé I began to pursue my dream to get into med school. As a single mother of two + those goals, a relationship is not what I am looking for. A year out from the break up, I am starting to now feel the healing.

[marky00]

I don't think your heart totally lets go until it finds another person to love.

 

I was dumped by girls who I loved and I only got fully over them once I had fallen in love with someone else.

 

"Moving on" is a term used often here but I think people often use it the wrong way.

 

After I was dumped, but before I fell in love with someone else, I did "move on" still in the sense that I carried on with my life as best as I could. However, had that Ex come knocking on my door, I might have been tempted because she would have been the most recent in my heart. Yes, I had "moved on" but to say I had zero feelings would be a lie.

 

But when I fell in love with someone else, that was when I totally got over the ex who dumped me.

 

Funny thing is but, when the new relationship ends, you heart does start to think a little about your previous exes. Not usually enough to go back but it proves the point that the human heart has only room for 1 person at a time.

[SammySammy]

I've found that it's best for me to heal before moving on to someone else. Otherwise, I'm just carrying baggage from one relationship to the next.

 

There's always something to learn from the situation. Always a way to better myself.

 

So, I take time to reflect. Learn. Heal. Grow.

 

For me, that's the most direct, positive, and beneficial way to move on.

[Fair]

Being with someone else before you're ready can have the adverse effect of making you want to be with your ex even more. You might even resent the new person because they're not your ex and the whole thing could end very badly.

 

It's never fair to the new person, either. It's just plain selfish. And yes, you can get over someone without using anyone else.

 

I've done it, myself. And it's all I've ever done. It's best to be emotionally available... you'll be much more likely to be happy providing you can find someone else who is emotionally available, too. If you're young... that should still be fairly easy.

[breadbin]

I couldn't get into a new relationship if I was still pining over an ex. I wouldn't do that to the new girl, I think it's a bit disrespectful and I wouldn't date anyone who I didn't respect so. I'm quite old fashioned I think when it comes to love.

[HumanMachine]

Thank you all for your responses. I feel that if I can successfully move on without the need of somebody else then it will benefit me in future relationships.

[1fish2fish]

Doing that right now, and it's the best thing I've ever done for myself.

 

I'm in my 50's now, and I'm finally addressing self esteem issues that resulted in an incredibly toxic relationship that ended 8 months ago. You're never too old to learn how to have healthy relationships.

 

It's hard work doing inner work, but it's oh so rewarding. The gift I'm giving myself this year is the gift of self awareness and self worth.

[Glx]

Yes. At first I cried a lot and thought that "he is the one" and that I made so many mistakes. and that every girl he will date after me will be so much better.

I was checking his page online a lot. He was also posting pictures with new girls. And I thought that he would never come back.

But then at one point I just understood that I deserve so much better...

He used to drink, smoke, party a lot and was not very interested in getting a good education or a job. And finally I saw him for who he really is - just a lazy boy who preferred to have "fun" time than to actually do something useful with his life. So thanks to social networks I got to this point. And I always knew that I want a different type of a guy.

 

The funny part is that when I didn't care any longer and didn't even care whom he was seeing, he wrote me. We broke up in beginning of December, so entire December and January I was crying and stalking him online.

 

After I made peace with the entire situation he texted how much he regretted everything. It was Valentine's Day.

 

It's been more than 5 years. He had some serious long-term relationships but he still writes me at least 3 times in a years how our relationship was the best he ever had and that every girl after me was just awful. Of course I don't buy this stuff and it sounds very pathetic.

He asks me out, but I never wanted to meet him afterwards. I can see him only as a friend now, not even attracted to him a bit.

[Mr.Me]

There is no better way to get over someone then to get under some one else.

[1fish2fish]

There is no better way to get over someone then to get under some one else.

 

Uh...no.

 

My former therapist said this to me last year. I found a new therapist.

[Gr8fuln2020]

From past experiences the best way for me to move on when hurting over an ex was to date someone else. Right now and for the foreseeable future I do not want to date/hookup with anyone, I want to get over these feelings on my own accord. Have you ever been successful with moving on without the need of another partner? Was it harder? If you could go back would you do the same, or start dating?

 

I'm in that position now. I am not dating and recently divorced (long separation) only the second woman I have ever truly loved (romantically). I tried dating, but none of the 'relationships' affected me in a way that would have led to anything substantive. No, I am personally convinced that rebounding or whatever isn't enough. Personal growth, responsibility is much more important.