Huge depression...

[Clueless002]

Hey everyone. This is a desperate person looking for someone to talk to.

 

 

I met this man 5 months ago. I'm 23 and he is 30. I met him and it was.. Magical. Love at first sight. He was so loving, sensitive, caring and so into me. I fell even harder for him from the way he treats me to the efforts he used to put in the relationship.

Since the start, I knew I shouldn't love him, I shouldn't start a thing like that, but sometimes when the heart wants, we switche off our minds. In fact, he is separated man ( for a year and a half), with a young 5 years old girl.

 

In the start, I had my doubts. But he was always assuring me that he is ready to move on, to date, to be in a relationship, that he can't live with his wife, that life with her is impossible. He was assuring me all the time that he is so into me. I don't doubt that he had feelings for me. There are sme things in this life you can't fake.

 

The first 2 months and a half were.. Pure magic. Fireworks all over the place. He would spend the late night hours speaking to me on the phone, despite the long hours of work ( 8 h per day). He would take holidays and come see me since we don't live in the same town, with 400 km of distance ( we met in my hometown). He would surprise me for no reason and put all the effort any girl would like her significant other to put in a relationship. But things changed. He started to call less. Text less. Visit me less. And most of all , love less.

 

He started to spend more of his time alone. It felt like, all his feelings were switched off for some reason. That was my hell. And it was only getting worse. I would try to make him tell me what is wrong and all he says is "I'm feeling guilt. I don't deserve this.". He wouldn't open up more. I was seeing him suffering and unable to ease his pain in anyway. He would hug me now, but the next min he would move away with uncomprehendingly poker face. And leaves. I would leave my work and go spend the weekend with him in his place trying to cheer him up with romantic dinners and calm music, or comedy movies, or sex. But it seemed to only work for like.. 1 hour..

 

And then his mood changes again and all he wants to do is stay alone, starring at the wall, drinking jack Daniel. I would hug him, kiss him, but he asks me to leave him alone, begs me to let him sit on the couch and go sit on the other. It was.. Painful. No one wants to be treated that way from the person they truly care about. It was like that for 1 more month. Pain and huge distance between us, and what added the salt on the wound is his separate wife non stoppable tears begging him to go back to her, to his family. Using his weakness point, his daughter that he loves so dearly.

 

She would tell him how his daughter is sad about her dad being always away. And what I always knew would happen one day but begged God not to did actually happen, he broke up with me. Over a text when he was out of the country for work.

It was the most painful thing I had to deal with. And still dealing with. 6 weeks have passed and the pain doesn't seem to get any less. I cry day and night. Sober or drunk. I REALLY care for him.

 

I don't know if I can call it love, but if the thing that kills you and devour your rests when your partner leaves isn't love, I don't know what the hell is. Post breakup, we had few talks, all started by him, short ones that say directly or indirectly that he misses me a lot, and that I didn't respond very nicely too since I was really hurt and broken. Till the day he removed me from all social media and cut all contact, suddenly. Not talking to him was driving me insane. I would do everything, go on dates, go out with friends, buy new expensive clothes, go party every night, but everytime I end up crying, in a coffee shop, in a bar, on a date...

 

Until 2 days ago, when I couldn't take it anymore. I sent him a long email, telling him how much he broke my heart, and that I don't seem to forget him. How my life is making no sense. It was a sad email mixed with blame. I blamed him for everything. And he responded saying he never meant to hurt me and that I'll always be special to him. That he loves me but has to close things. Has to heal before he thinks about love. And again, hurt and angry, I told him that all that is a lie. And that you can't just.. Let go of the person you love. That can never be love.

 

Yesterday, with a raw guilty heart I called him. Telling him that I didn't mean to say what I said. And that he is not as bad as the email discribes. That yes, he broke my heart but deep down he was a good person. He accepted my call very dearly and said that he knows I didn't mean to cause any harm. He tone was friendly but.. So formal. I asked him to skype for 5 mn and that's when it all changed. He saw my face, starred at me for a min and started crying. He ended the call right away.

 

I begged him over msgsto answer my calls. And he did. He said he cares for me. He said he needs me. That he dreams of me every night (well, most of them are him making love to me, he says) but he cant be with me. And thats his decision. He says he brought a young angel into the world and he should assume his responsibilities. He said he thought he was ready for a relationship but he is not. He said he doesn't deserve the love and the heaven he sees in me if he is leaving his baby behind. That he can't cherish what he needs if he is not giving his daughter what she needs.

 

That she needs him more than we need each other. He said he can't decide if he goes back to his wife ( as roommates, he says) just for the little girl. But says he wants to see a psy first to approve that decision or not. Hearing that breaks my heart. But I know, I know deep down he can't live like that, with someone he can't stand. Sacrificing his happiness.

 

What should I do? Should I take the pain and let him be, let him go. Or fight for him, for my love? I'm afraid he will turn his life into hell with this decision. I'm afraid he will be unhappy forever. Many marriages end, many children have divorced parents but are mentally healthy.

 

Please, help me.. I'm clueless..

Edited December 23, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[bluecastle]

You've got to take a deep breath and give this time and space. I'd use that time to stop thinking about him so much and what it is that makes you so attracted to a man who, from the beginning, has shown very little capability in meeting your needs.

 

You two are in very different places in life. He's in the midst of a maybe-divorce, he's raising a young child—his attention is scattered and shattered right now, hence him saying he can't be in a relationship. Just listen to those words, and move forward.

 

Maybe he finds his way back to you—but dude has some things to sort through. I think you both do if you want to come to this from a healthy place.

[Gr8fuln2020]

You've got to take a deep breath and give this time and space. I'd use that time to stop thinking about him so much and what it is that makes you so attracted to a man who, from the beginning, has shown very little capability in meeting your needs.

 

You two are in very different places in life. He's in the midst of a maybe-divorce, he's raising a young child—his attention is scattered and shattered right now, hence him saying he can't be in a relationship. Just listen to those words, and move forward.

 

Maybe he finds his way back to you—but dude has some things to sort through. I think you both do if you want to come to this from a healthy place.

 

Great advice. Give it some time/space. It took me a while to be ready to open up to my ex about how I was feeling. Therapy helped and is helping me right now. The key is that YOU are in a healthy place to be able to give your best.

[Clueless002]

I REALLY want to move on, do you think I don't? It has been weeks since the break up and until this very minute I catch myself thinking about him 7/24. When you're in love, your natural instinct is to hold on, stick around and never let go. I don't know what to do with these feelings..

[basil67]

Clueless, have you written down a list of pros and cons to help ground you through this?

 

Truth is, only two months with him were glorious. After that, it all went downhill. His treatment of you was so bad that you were miserable and seeking solace in alcohol. Is this really the future that you want for yourself?

 

Make no mistake, those first two months were the honeymoon period. The love you feel is more likely to be infatuation...that heady mix of adrenaline and hormones. Yes, it feels like love, but it's not. Pretty much all half decent relationships start out this way. The honeymoon period commonly lasts up to 6 months. But your one couldn't make it past 2 months long.

 

Lastly, write a list of the reasons why you still love him. Don't make the list about the first couple of months. Do it for why you love him today.

[bluecastle]

I hear you, Clueless. I'm in the same situation myself these days—deeply in love with an ex. We were together three years, have been broken up about 3 months, and she's always on my mind.

 

You just need to sit in this place right now, knowing he's not ready and, most importantly, that you were not getting what you need. You were being made to feel anxious, not safe, and that's not how loving relationships work.

 

Writing down pros and cons is a good idea, same with just writing down your thoughts. It's totally okay to be a mess right now—just listen to the feelings without reacting. You'll find growth and clarity in that, and come out a stronger person.