Boyfriend has feelings for HIS sister??

[stephmichelle1204]

So my boyfriend and I have been together for 4 months and we have a really good relationship. HOWEVER his relationship with his sister weirds me out. They were both adopted when they were 4 months old from an orphanage so they are NOT related in any way. In the beginning of our relationship whenever we’d take a picture he would always ask me to send her the pics. He made me add her on snapchat and whenever we took a funny or cute snapchat pic he would ask me to send it to her. He always talks about how I look like his sister and how our personalities are almost identical and it weirds me out. He facetimes her a few times a week and they talk for HOURS. He always says how he wants me to meet his sister and how we’d really get along. I’ve texted and facetimed his sister a few times before and she is nice. We actually do get along really well and she’s a sweet girl. His family is really odd and both his parents were never that affectionate towards them and they were horrible to them at times so they only had each other for a while. I think that may be why? The weirdest thing to me though which got me thinking about it was when he said that he actually really cares about his sister a lot (which I get because I feel the same about mine) but he doesn’t want me telling anyone about it. When I pushed him a little about it he didn’t want to talk much but he finally said they never really talked about how close they were and that it would be weird. Am I being too anxious over nothing?

 

his sister and I do get along and we do look alike and our personalities are very similar as well. The thing is though his sister is a little bit on the bigger side and he’s always told me how he would never date a bigger girl because he’s just not into that. He really cares about his sister a lot and I completely understand but it still kind of weirds me out how they always talk all the time especially since they’re not really blood related.

 

Also there was this one time when we think we found his real dad and he wanted to email him but REFUSED to do so before talking to his sister. He tried to facetime her like 4 times but she didnt pick up and i told him to just email him and talk to his sister afterwards but he just refused to do it which also got me really confused.

 

He also always tells me how he’s never loved anyone as much as he loves me and we are always together ALWAYS and I know he really really really loves me a lot so that’s why I am so confused. Is it just my own insecurities?

[act00]

This relationship isn't necessarily strange, but at the same time it seems a bit over the top, so I'm going to go in several different directions here.

 

First, you don't have the same kind of bond with your siblings as this guy, or the same as me and my sister. I'm really close to my sister, and will share pictures and I will call her before making major life choices, and call her for no reason at all. She's my person. I share pretty much everything with her. Just because you don't have this same type of bond or relationship doesn't mean it's strange or that there is some incestuous relationship going on. A man would have to accept that my sister and I are really close, and he has to accept her into his life if he accepts me into his life.

 

There is a difference between healthy and unhealthy. Your guy seems to be a bit more on the unhealthy side, though I'm not sure.

 

What I don't do is require some guy I barely know or who I have been dating only a short time to add my sister to social media, send pictures, and talk, text, Skype or what have you. I can send the pictures I like to my sister myself.

 

It's normal to introduce your BF/GF/SO to friends and family, and if speaking to family and friends that live far away, this can include Skype, phone, emails. I remember getting put on the phone with a long-distance brother who I had never met in person. This was bizarre and awkward for me, but for this family, it was totally normal, and a feeling of being totally accepted and welcomed into the family. Go with it. Blend.

 

If this guy can't make a move without his sister's input, this can be a problem. You and this guy should be a unit, or building a unit (if this goes long-term, even marriage), and your relationship should not include this third wheel or "mother hen."

 

It's normal to want to talk with people close to you before making major life choices. His sister was also adopted and can better relate to the issue around contacting the bio dad or mom. You are not adopted, and while you think you understand, you can't really relate the same way. "Just do it" is not always the best option, and certainly in a circumstance this huge, he could use the emotional support from someone who has lived under the same circumstances.

 

If he can barely make any choices w/o his sister's input, that's when you need to worry. If his sister's ideas and opinions always trump yours, to the point you feel like you are dating her and not him, that's when you need to worry.

 

Otherwise, accept the fact that they are close, and accept the fact that she will be a major part of your life and your life with this man. If it's too weird for you, then maybe you two aren't a good match and it's time to part ways. This is not a fault of anyone, just differences that cannot be reconciled.

 

TBH, this relationship seems a bit much on the weird side for me, based on your description, and I don't think I could do it. His relationship with her will always trump his relationship with you, to the point you are required to connect with her the exact same way, and he really expects you to be her...like she's the "first wife" or the MIL from hell who dictates her son's choices at the expense of you and your union with your BF/potential husband.

 

I cannot live a life where I am always being compared to someone else and judged upon it.

 

Blood relations don't dictate the ability to be close or have good relations. I am not on speaking terms at all with a couple of blood relatives, but pretty close to people who are not my blood relatives.

[Gaeta]

I do not see anything wrong with it. It's not because something is different that it makes it wrong.

 

I also frown when you suggested it's fishy because after all they are not real blood siblings, there is no difference between blood siblings and adopted siblings. They both are raised under the same roof by the same parents. It's proximity that makes siblings attached to each other, not their DNA.

 

I fully understand why he would want to speak to his sister before reaching to a man possibly being his bio father, if someone can understand his inner turmoil about it it's his adopted sister.

 

I suspect your boyfriend has a lot of insecurities and his sister became his security blanket.Out of the 2 she is the strong one. You would gain more at trying to understand him instead of judging him.

[Maggie4]

You seem to be suggesting he has romantic feelings for his sister. There is no sign of that from your description. It's a problem with your thinking. And if romantic love between the siblings is not what you're hinting at, then you want to be clearer about why his attachment to family bothers you.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I talk to my (fully biological) brother the same way. I don't see anything weird about this, just that they have a close relationship. I would call him and my parents wayyyy before I would call any of the boyfriends I ever had about any major life decision.

[mikeylo]

Nothing wrong here ! Duh

 

They both are adopted so obviously have some insecurities and it’s normal for them to bond a bit more than usual because even the parents are not affectionate.

 

Of course they are related— as a brother and a sister

[Ruby Slippers]

One thing I've learned is that family dynamics rarely change much. It is what it is, and it's very unlikely to change much.

 

You can either learn to accept it as is, or move on.

 

Your only other option is to keep fighting a battle you can't win, which is a big waste of time.

[smackie9]

Adult behavior is rooted in what happened in childhood. You are right, the reason why they are so close, is because they only had each other to be each others parent and take care of each other growing up. It is unfortunate that they were adopted into a family that showed very little affection to no fault of their own. BUT this will change in the future as they both get married and have children of their own. They will be busy focusing on their own family.

 

I don't think it's a sexual thing (I think that is what you are angling at no?) as to why he sees a lot of his sister in you. He just finds good qualities in his sister, and bases that in what he should be looking for in a lifetime partner is all.

[she'stheone]

I think it's very common for us a people, to fear what we don't understand. I was and still am, very close to my older sister.

 

People thought we had a "strange" relationship and...

 

...well...

 

...we did.

 

We were very close and very open about it. We loved each other and were protective of each other. Was it of a sexual/romantic nature? I never thought it was and I never thought to ask her.

 

Most men, marry their mothers, because it's the strongest love (energy) they've probably ever felt (even if it was abusive).

 

In this case your boyfriend, while probably not sexually/romantically interested in his sister, is searching for someone like his sister because to him, she's safe, comfortable and loving. Everything he thinks he wants.

 

A challenge MAY arise if you are too much like his sister...

 

...because, there are things he doesn't like about his sister (we all have behaviors we don't like about the people we love), and...

 

...if you have some of those behaviors he may not be willing to except them in someone OTHER than his sister.

 

If you're seeing red flags, trust your intuition. If you think it's more about his relationship with his sister and how foreign it is to you, then work on having an open mind and see how things progress.

 

Love and Light