Stalker ex girlfriend

[dside]

Hey so I'm new but I thought I would try this to get peoples opinions and try to get an understanding of this myself. I met this woman at my work about 2 years ago and she would come by everyday for 5 months to say goodnight to me. At the time I was feeling down about another woman I had a crush on before her so I wasn't that interested but this girl is very attractive it was just difficult for me to care because of being heartbroken. After 5 months of this she finally decided to strike up a conversation with me and I asked for her number. Turns out she was married and has a kid and I said I was not ok with that at the time, but after some pleading from her I gave in and said we could be friends. After we hung out a bit she convinced me that her and her husband were swingers and had a completely open relationship. This turned out to be a complete lie but I only found out a month later and by then I was too involved. Within a month she was in her own apartment and staying with me mostly they had separated, but because of how attractive she is the husband was completely obsessed and we ended up getting in a fight and i hurt him pretty badly.. he threatened her more and tried to control her more saying he would take away her kid and she for some reason believes this is possible and moves back in with him.. but comes over to see me twice every week for a year until she finally gets sick of his **** and moves out once again.. she lives with her mom for a month and then gets her own apartment..

 

 

In February i move into the apartment next to hers and everything is going pretty well but she still keeps me at a distance we only see each other once or twice a week because her son loves me so much he cant stop talking about me and it irritates the husband. Her husband keeps getting drunk and trying to stalk her or **** with me in general. He calls her like 40 times a day.. She also has been a cam model this entire time which is another thing.. I told her it bothered me but that I understood if she needed to do it for income to support herself. Though I was more than willing to take care of her she just likes to be independent. So at this point in February we were supposed to have a night together but she tells me she will be too busy with doing cam modeling for the evening and cannot see me. I decide to check out the free chat in her cam modeling site where I can see her video live and notice she is ignoring my text messages to her and telling the entire chat room about how her ex boyfriend is going to come over and **** her. So I walk down to her apartment ninja style and catch her with the guy on her balcony flirting with him but they do not notice me. Now I am a big guy and I could have murdered this guy but I figured at that point hey its over **** it just dump the bitch tomorrow end of story. Well tomorrow came and i went to her place and started grabbing all my stuff and she tries to talk to me at which point im pretty much like you cheated on me its over. She starts crying and begging and even grabbing my leg. Trying to hold me and prevent me from leaving, trying to bull**** me that nothing happened.. So what does my dumbass do I give her another chance.. big mistake.. I told her she better not make me regret this.. but here I am the sucker that believes in second chances the guy whose heart is too big.

 

 

Come March she starts posting some kind of scandalous pictures of herself on facebook and so I question her about who took these pictures of her, she just tells me it was her girlfriend. I later am googling her name and find out that a professional photographer took these pictures of her even had another naked one and very suspicious one on her cam model site. At this point I'm thinking what the hell why did she lie to me. So when she is at work I hack into her computer and find the photo shoots with dates on them.. 3 separate photo shoots with this guy and she is completely naked in all of them showing him everything the last one is in her bed in her bedroom and looks like she ****ed this photographer. I confirm this in April and at last I break up with her I ask her about the picture on her cam site and she lies to my face about it saying its her girlfriend again so I dump her through text. After a month passes she messages me and tries to worm her way in with how I am doing. We both are bored and lonely so we end up kind of saying **** it and get back together. Everything was kind of ok for like a month but I found out she had been really ****ing with her husband even telling him she loved him and stuff which lead to him doing more stalking and more crazy **** in which the police had to be called on him. Then she gets birth control in June and I get really suspicious because we wanted a baby together and shes almost impossible to get pregnant.. I start thinking she wants it because she has no idea who the father of her baby will be. I try to keep tabs on her by giving her the occasional call but she starts ignoring me a ton. We have a scheduled date and I just buy her flowers but not a word from her.. Turns out in early July I find out she is ****ing her neighbor this really weird guy with gauges as big as frizz bees tattoos all over and he is physically weaker than her and also very ugly looking. He literally looks like a 12 year old boy and I look like a spartan.

 

So at this point she basically dumps me for him and wants nothing to do with me, which would be great right because I need to get away from this cancerous person.. and everything was good for a month I mean i cried like a baby and watched the walls and went through the extreme boredom trauma that followed. Then one month later some deranged **** begins.. she starts popping up at my work .. first 3 times a week then 7 times a week, then 9 times a week, that's right this chick is coming into my work two times a day to look at me. For the first month she is psychotically pissed off at me with waves of anger flying off of her. After the first month she tries to be nice to me and even tries to talk to me but i just kind of ignore her.. going into months 2 and 3 of her extreme stalking.. in the meantime her and soda can ears are still ****ing and she is having him sleep in her bed every night and he is around her kid 24/7.. She also deletes her cam girl profile and her fetlife account. She is now the perfect girlfriend for this lord of the rings goblin she is with. Without him knowing she is stalking me like an obsessed serial killer. In month 4 her **** gets crazier. She starts leaving notes on my car and on my door of my apartment about her eternal love and knocking on my door at random times even when i had another girl over. She buys a necklace with my logo on it and wears it all the time. I do my best to not respond.. i ignore her more and it seems to just make it worse. So what ends up happening in this 4th month is the girl im seeing dumps me and i get really bummed out so I end up finding my ex's number and i just simply ask her if she is still with her boyfriend or not.. That really gets her going after a few days she offers to dump him if I will just smile at her. I do not respond at all because her relationships are not my responsibility.

 

I see her coming into my work now incredibly depressed and buying 30 packs of beer each day.. So I still love this girl even after all the horrible things she has done.. I feel like I have no choice but to say something to her and I end up begging her not to drink so much and not to be so sad. Somehow this leads to her knocking on my door again some day when she knew I would be home.. for whatever reason I let her in and we ****. After 4 months she cheats on soda can ears with me. The next day she comes to see me at work wearing my t-shirt she still has it and she is absolutely glowing like she is the happiest woman alive. So the next week we meet and have sex again. After that she sends me a few texts through the week unable to meet with me until next Sunday because her and her boyfriend now have an apartment together. They got the one in the building next to me ... like wtf.. We make out Friday night and she tells me I am the only person she wants in the world. She then lies and says she is sick and can't see me Sunday. After that she completely ignores me for 2 weeks no longer stalking and as of last week she has just started stalking me at my work again.. the cycle is starting all over again..

 

I get that everyone will probably say my god man run away from this monster. I still love her though and I want to be with her but I realize she has some type of psychiatric disorder. I can't figure it out exactly but I tried to research stalkers and I have a secure avoidant personality.. I see that she is insecure avoidant. which might be why this stalking is happening I really don't know.. she's obsessed with me but doesn't want to be with me, she'd rather be with the weird guy. What should I do? is this even winnable? should i even try?

 

 

TLDR: My ex is a crazy cheating bitch who has a boyfriend she cheated on me with but she is still obsessed with me and stalking me for 10 months (counting before and after relationship).. for some reason I still love this girl and want to know what I should do.

[healing light]

I would move and extricate yourself from this as quickly as possible. You don't want to chance getting involved with some of the shady characters she brings into her life--god forbid you end up in another fight or something terrible happens, especially given that she's mentally unstable (though obviously you encourage her contact). You never know what any one of them might do in a fit of rage. What would happen if you started something up with another woman?

 

Run.

[goingcrazy101]

Run. Like. Hell. Now.

[sdraw108]

Wow. If I were in your shoes, I would move apartment, get a new job, and change all my contact details. Maybe throw in a restraining order.

[dside]

Update: Started really ignoring her and acted pissed off and tried to get her to go away.. her stalking escalated to knocking on my door immediately.. i physically pushed her to off my doorstep.. she came back the next day.. we had sex.. i listened to this advice about this hot and cold stuff and found out I was the problem.. Every time we would get intimate I would drop the "L" word and hope for reconciliation.. but what is attracting this girl is my treating her like dirt and ignoring her.. so if i switch out to try to be some sensitive guy that's what was driving her off for weeks.. this time i just did business and no ****s were given and i honestly felt better.. but yes i do need to move and switch jobs. I do feel like after 6 months im finally getting over it though.. Thank you for the advice, that was kind of my gut feeling but having other people point it out really helps.. i try to find posts similar to my situation but couldn't find any on here.

[spiderowl]

She is totally messing you about, cheating and leading a lifestyle that puts any guy with her at risk of disease. You did the right thing by ignoring her and staying no contact. However, she obviously does not accept this. It could be because when she is with you she gets positive reinforcement - you desire her, you want to be with her, you love her. She might be getting flattery from her clients but not this almost unconditional love you have for her. As long as you do these positive things when you and she are together, she will keep coming back for more. She will still cheat on you though.

 

I would say stop the positive reinforcement. Do not meet with her for any reason, do not have sex, do not say anything loving or positive to her. Her encounters with you will therefore not be what she is seeking. If she continues to be disappointed by your reaction, she may give up. However, I think you are right and she has some kind of mental or personality disorder.

 

Basically, cut out the positive reinforcement. If she continues stalking, tell her you will get a restraining order if she does not stop. If she continues, get the order. You need to be consistent. Your attraction to her and feelings of being bonded with her are undermining your attempts to do this.

 

What good can come of this toing and froing? How do you see this working out long term? Do you want this to continue for ever or would you rather disentangle yourself and become open to a more healthy relationship with someone else? I know it's hard to give up on something when you need love, affection and sex. This is just a cycle of hurt though which does not look like it will get better. While you are mentally involved with this woman, you are not emotionally open to others. Don't let her stop you seeking something better for yourself.

Edited December 25, 2017 by spiderowl

[1fish2fish]

Update: Started really ignoring her and acted pissed off and tried to get her to go away..

 

No, you really didn't.

 

 

her stalking escalated to knocking on my door immediately.. i physically pushed her to off my doorstep..

 

Never EVER put your hands on anyone, especially an unstable ex lover. She could take out an assault charge on you.

 

she came back the next day.. we had sex..

 

WTF???

 

i listened to this advice about this hot and cold stuff and found out I was the problem.. Every time we would get intimate I would drop the "L" word and hope for reconciliation.. but what is attracting this girl is my treating her like dirt and ignoring her.. so if i switch out to try to be some sensitive guy that's what was driving her off for weeks.. this time i just did business and no ****s were given and i honestly felt better.. but yes i do need to move and switch jobs. I do feel like after 6 months im finally getting over it though.. Thank you for the advice, that was kind of my gut feeling but having other people point it out really helps.. i try to find posts similar to my situation but couldn't find any on here.

 

 

Good grief! This is so many shades of toxic dysfunction. You really need to learn some impulse control.

 

Taking out a restraining order on her isn't the answer, because you'd never enforce it. Please find a good therapist to help you navigate through this.

[ZayKayWill]

Run bro. I've seen documentaries on this kind of thing (stalking). I don't mean to be sexist but in every video I saw of which the stalker was a woman, they would go as far to kill their victims....don't let this scare you. Obviously that's not a general thing that applies to all women, but generally speaking women are more likely to act upon their emotions. Basically what I'm saying is don't let it get to the point where it escalates so bad that it's too late and she does something crazy...there are plenty of more stable and attractive women out there. Does it really need to be this woman? I'll give you the BotD...What is it about this woman that makes you still care about her so much? To me it just seems like she's making your life worse. I know I wouldn't want to deal with a woman who literally gets off at me making her feel like ****, no matter how attractive she is. That screams instability x100.