sarahh000 Posted December 23, 2017 Posted December 23, 2017 (edited) Hello. I am having a dilemma or whatever... I spoke to my therapist about contacting an old boyfriend since no matter what I do he won't leave my mind for one day after almost 2 years of 0 contact. He was a jerk but he also had this wonderful side and he always made me feel so loved and so safe, ironically when he is a very reckless person to both himself and others. He cheated with an ex and broke promises and in the end admitted in a text that he'd been playing all along but regretted it deeply but irl he couldn't even look me in the eyes and still whenever our paths cross he just looks in another direction. I still love him deeply after everything and it's making me insane. I've had a boyfriend after him and I have dated a bunch of men after that, even went on a few dates with a friend of this ex of mine to sort of get back at him I guess... but in the end it has only left me bitter and cool and I now find myself pushing away and hurting any man who attempts fighting for me because they genuienly like me. I find them disgusting and I want to be alone and I feel bitter that the only person i've ever truly loved is someone I can't be with and in turn I want everybody else to also suffer heartache and pain and I wish everyday that they do. I want nothing more than to hear from him... to just see him one last time at least. I don't care why really. My therapist claims that even if he does think of me still and truly regrets anything like he claimed in his last text"letter" he wouldn't get in touch first because in the end it was I who pushed him away and told him to leave me alone and I asked somebody else about that who agreed and said if I really miss him so much or want to talk it is in my hands to get in touch. Is that really true?! Since he is the one who ruined everything shouldn't it be him? I would just like to hear opinions on this. And what would you do personally? I'm a very overly-careful, overthinking person so I have no idea how other people act in situations like these, do you just follow your hearts and take a chance or keep staying away? For me it has a lot to do with what my family would think and I think they would be very disappointed if I contacted him for any reason and I might be a wimp but I just can't handle that. And I cannot keep secrets from my family. Lame, yes... Edited December 23, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Frostedflake Posted December 23, 2017 Posted December 23, 2017 He cheated with an ex, he told you he was playing games with you the whole time, and his guilt keeps him from looking at or making any civil interaction with you. The guy is trash and you are much too forgiving. You think seeing him one last time would give you closure, but it won't. What you're really hoping for is to see some desire from him that he still wants you and that all this pain you've been healing through was not one sided. In all reality, it was one-sided. He has provided you with reasons to move on and maintained those reasons by showing he is incapable of change or being an adult about the situation. You don't need any further excuses than that to stay far away and continue on with your life. I compel you, you DO deserve BETTER. 5
Author sarahh000 Posted December 23, 2017 Author Posted December 23, 2017 He cheated with an ex, he told you he was playing games with you the whole time, and his guilt keeps him from looking at or making any civil interaction with you. The guy is trash and you are much too forgiving. You think seeing him one last time would give you closure, but it won't. What you're really hoping for is to see some desire from him that he still wants you and that all this pain you've been healing through was not one sided. In all reality, it was one-sided. He has provided you with reasons to move on and maintained those reasons by showing he is incapable of change or being an adult about the situation. You don't need any further excuses than that to stay far away and continue on with your life. I compel you, you DO deserve BETTER. But I don't think he's a bad person. He has talked to me about issues he has and he has been suicidal for many years too but is afraid of therapy due to bad experiences of it in the past. So please don't call him trash regardless. And I may deserve better but I rather be alone.
divegrl Posted December 23, 2017 Posted December 23, 2017 I’m so sorry you’re hurting right now. You’re lonely and you are only remembering the good qualities of your ex. Right now, you’re living in fear, thinking you lost the man you were truly supposed to be with. This is a scarcity mindset. Go back to the reason you pushed him away. That he was cheating on you and broke promises. Continually remind yourself of this. Focus on yourself and what you want out of life. Focus on your self worth. Good luck my friend. 2
whatnot Posted December 23, 2017 Posted December 23, 2017 Your therapist is right. My pride has kept me stuck. It's not about her. No mistakes....no growth. take care
whatnot Posted December 23, 2017 Posted December 23, 2017 it's an imperfect world Pride is the first of the 7 deadly sins.
Author sarahh000 Posted December 23, 2017 Author Posted December 23, 2017 (edited) it's an imperfect world Pride is the first of the 7 deadly sins. That's typical men. If I was in his position I would have no trouble getting in touch again if only to apologize at least even if I risked being dissed. I did with my most recent boyfriend I had he pushed me away and told me to leave him alone because I had broken his heart (but all I did to him was break up and well act a bit cold towards the end of the relationship because I wasn't in love anymore) and I texted him few weeks later that regardless I was there if he ever needed anyone and weeks more passed and now we get along great because I did that even though I knew he was very upset. Pride... One should have no pride if they've hurt someone they say they love. Edited December 23, 2017 by sarahh000
Author sarahh000 Posted December 23, 2017 Author Posted December 23, 2017 I’m so sorry you’re hurting right now. You’re lonely and you are only remembering the good qualities of your ex. Right now, you’re living in fear, thinking you lost the man you were truly supposed to be with. This is a scarcity mindset. Go back to the reason you pushed him away. That he was cheating on you and broke promises. Continually remind yourself of this. Focus on yourself and what you want out of life. Focus on your self worth. Good luck my friend. I've been hurting for 2 years. I have gone through the reasons why we broke up a million times. I have written down what he's done in detail and everything I felt in a diary right after the breakup up until I met my most recent ex 6 months later and I everytime I think I am over him he shows up in my dreams and then he shows up in my mind when I am awake and every single song I listen to reminds me of him and I see things that remind me of him everywhere and in periods I manage to hate him but then it flips over almost immadietely again. The thought of him possibly finding a new girlfriend disgusts me and makes me want to hurt her if she as much as looks at him. Idk. Everybody says you can find closure on your own but that is working really dam well...
HumanMachine Posted December 23, 2017 Posted December 23, 2017 You’d want to hurt your ex’s new girlfriend should he get one.. Ok with all due respect I think you need more than a therapist.
Author sarahh000 Posted December 23, 2017 Author Posted December 23, 2017 You’d want to hurt your ex’s new girlfriend should he get one.. Ok with all due respect I think you need more than a therapist. It's not like I actually would but yeah. And there is no way of finding more than that and nobody thinks I need it either. I'm a nice, sweet girl, too nice for my own good in everybodys eyes. But I have a lot of hate inside.
d0nnivain Posted December 23, 2017 Posted December 23, 2017 The fact that you want to hurt some innocent party is disturbing. Does your therapist know you have these thoughts? If so the therapist is reckless for suggesting that you reach out to the EX because by doing so you potentially put a third party in harm's way. If that is just talk, it's still problematic but I'll move on. It's been two years. The fact that you remain obsessed with this highly inappropriate person is troubling. Because you haven't moved on from a dating relationship I'm going to side with your therapist provide you promise not to hurt the new GF, if there is one. Go ahead & reach out for the EX. One of the following will happen: 1. He will ignore you 2. He'll pick up & tell you he has a new GF or is married / engaged. 3. He'll laugh in your face. 4. He'll get back together with you & cheat on you again 5. You will get back together for a short time but you will realize that you are no longer compatible because of all the changes you both went through during the 2 years you were apart. 6. You will reconcile & live happily ever after. That last one is the least likely. 1, 4 & 2 in that order are the most probable IMO. But they may be just the impetus you need to finally move on. Realize that anybody in your circle who knows what happened -- your parents etc. -- will not accept him back. Their hostility will cause strain in your relationship. 4
Author sarahh000 Posted December 23, 2017 Author Posted December 23, 2017 (edited) The fact that you want to hurt some innocent party is disturbing. Does your therapist know you have these thoughts? If so the therapist is reckless for suggesting that you reach out to the EX because by doing so you potentially put a third party in harm's way. If that is just talk, it's still problematic but I'll move on. It's been two years. The fact that you remain obsessed with this highly inappropriate person is troubling. Because you haven't moved on from a dating relationship I'm going to side with your therapist provide you promise not to hurt the new GF, if there is one. Go ahead & reach out for the EX. One of the following will happen: 1. He will ignore you 2. He'll pick up & tell you he has a new GF or is married / engaged. 3. He'll laugh in your face. 4. He'll get back together with you & cheat on you again 5. You will get back together for a short time but you will realize that you are no longer compatible because of all the changes you both went through during the 2 years you were apart. 6. You will reconcile & live happily ever after. That last one is the least likely. 1, 4 & 2 in that order are the most probable IMO. But they may be just the impetus you need to finally move on. Realize that anybody in your circle who knows what happened -- your parents etc. -- will not accept him back. Their hostility will cause strain in your relationship. No I wouldn't hurt anyone, geez. I'd just hate her a lot... If I was so violent and unstable do you really not think I would have hurt his ex when I found out about the cheating as much as I hated her then? Well he is not married or engaged, he is single. And I don't think he would laugh or ignore me if anything close to that he'd question why I bothered because he knows he's hurt me a lot and he never thought he deserved me in the first place. I don't want to get back together though I just would like to see him again and actually end things face to face but I probably won't contact him it has been too long... I should have done it the first year in that case and I would if it wasn't for how much my family hates him and would judge me for it. Sometimes I wish that nobody cared that much so I wouldn't have to feel GUILTY for loving somebody I have never asked to love. Edited December 23, 2017 by sarahh000
d0nnivain Posted December 23, 2017 Posted December 23, 2017 You are angry & you are going to stay angry until you let go of this relationship. I don't think your family will be mad at you for seeking closure. I think they will be an impediment to long term reconciliation with this guy. If you only want to talk one last time, why do they even have to know? You say you want to talk one last time. You want to end things face to face. OK. Granted that should have been done in the weeks immediately following the text break up 2 years ago but it wasn't. Now is all you have. What does this last conversation look like to you? Do you think he has some magic words that will heal your wounds? He doesn't. If he had any verbal skills at all he would have used them to prevent or at least lessen all this heartache.. Do you think that a face to face ending will make it more official? I don't really understand how the past 2 years haven't cemented the reality. Either way you will never exorcise this until you take action. So just call him already. Don't drag this baggage into 2018 with you.
Author sarahh000 Posted December 23, 2017 Author Posted December 23, 2017 You are angry & you are going to stay angry until you let go of this relationship. I don't think your family will be mad at you for seeking closure. I think they will be an impediment to long term reconciliation with this guy. If you only want to talk one last time, why do they even have to know? You say you want to talk one last time. You want to end things face to face. OK. Granted that should have been done in the weeks immediately following the text break up 2 years ago but it wasn't. Now is all you have. What does this last conversation look like to you? Do you think he has some magic words that will heal your wounds? He doesn't. If he had any verbal skills at all he would have used them to prevent or at least lessen all this heartache.. Do you think that a face to face ending will make it more official? I don't really understand how the past 2 years haven't cemented the reality. Either way you will never exorcise this until you take action. So just call him already. Don't drag this baggage into 2018 with you. I don't think he could say anything to heal my wounds and I don't know if this makes any sense but I would just like us to talk, not argue about what's happened, and then separate as friends... as if we were to overwrite the past with one good meeting and then that would be it. But I do not know if that is possible or if anyone has succeeded with that.
d0nnivain Posted December 23, 2017 Posted December 23, 2017 What do you mean "separate as friends"? I'm a firm believer that you can't be friends with an EX. That doesn't mean you have to be mortal enemies or that you can never interact but it can't be close. At best it's polite. I am friendly with all of my EXs. The college ones I rarely see but a few others I bump into once in a while. I live in a small town & work in a close knitted industry. Seeing them is inevitable. We say hi. We might grab a coffee. We talk about work & ask after each other's families but nobody goes out of their way to see the other. I don't acknowledge their birthdays; we don't send holiday cards. I did wish one Merry Christmas because I saw him at work on Wednesday but that is about it. 1
Author sarahh000 Posted December 23, 2017 Author Posted December 23, 2017 What do you mean "separate as friends"? I'm a firm believer that you can't be friends with an EX. That doesn't mean you have to be mortal enemies or that you can never interact but it can't be close. At best it's polite. I am friendly with all of my EXs. The college ones I rarely see but a few others I bump into once in a while. I live in a small town & work in a close knitted industry. Seeing them is inevitable. We say hi. We might grab a coffee. We talk about work & ask after each other's families but nobody goes out of their way to see the other. I don't acknowledge their birthdays; we don't send holiday cards. I did wish one Merry Christmas because I saw him at work on Wednesday but that is about it. I am very good friends with an ex actually. We go out and have coffee and talk although not several times a week and we text and get along really well. That is not how I would want to interact with this particular ex though... I mean more that I would like us to separate on good terms and I guess not see each other again since he is the troubled person he is there is no hope for us since he refuse professional help meaning he won't change. But I would like that it isn't the way it is now with the ignoring each other and pretending like the other person doesn't exist etc. It's so stupid and on top of that there wasn't even any real breakup in my opinion.
HumanMachine Posted December 23, 2017 Posted December 23, 2017 Judging my the fact that he hasn’t contact you in two years, he’s not interested, nor does he care.
divegrl Posted December 23, 2017 Posted December 23, 2017 I don't think he could say anything to heal my wounds and I don't know if this makes any sense but I would just like us to talk, not argue about what's happened, and then separate as friends... as if we were to overwrite the past with one good meeting and then that would be it. But I do not know if that is possible or if anyone has succeeded with that. This meeting will not provide the closure your looking for. It will only lead to more obsesssing, what if questions and pain. Closure comes from acceptance that the relationship is truly over. Learn from this relationship and use this pain as a source of growth. I think you are still hurting because you are still in contact with him or at least getting updates on him. This has only delayed your healing. Cut contact. Surround yourself with loved ones, focus on your self worth. The pain will subside, and you will feel better. Good luck my friend.
bluecastle Posted December 23, 2017 Posted December 23, 2017 I don't think contacting him is a good idea, since you say it's not about reconciliation. The odds of that working, as others have suggested, are slim. But still, the only reason to swallow your pride and reach out would be because you wanted to see if there was a future. Closure you won't get—just a reopening of a wound that you're refusing to let heal. The "him" you are talking about, after two years, is more a projection/obsession in your mind than an actual person. The him you got when you were together was a bad guy with good qualities—cherish the latter, but listen to the former and move on.
Author sarahh000 Posted December 23, 2017 Author Posted December 23, 2017 (edited) I don't think contacting him is a good idea, since you say it's not about reconciliation. The odds of that working, as others have suggested, are slim. But still, the only reason to swallow your pride and reach out would be because you wanted to see if there was a future. Closure you won't get—just a reopening of a wound that you're refusing to let heal. The "him" you are talking about, after two years, is more a projection/obsession in your mind than an actual person. The him you got when you were together was a bad guy with good qualities—cherish the latter, but listen to the former and move on. You are right. I don't know why nothing helps for me though I keep checking his facebook everyday but I have deleted him from all social media long ago except one on which I re-added him a year ago... In case I was going to contact him. He accepted my request after a few days but said nothing. I fell in love at first sight you know and it looked as if he did too and from that day on I wanted to believe all of his promises so badly once we started dating months later. All the signs pointed towards how it was meant to be... yet at the same time it couldn't work out because of his problems. I can't help but to feel it's unfair. Edited December 23, 2017 by sarahh000
divegrl Posted December 23, 2017 Posted December 23, 2017 Stop checking his Facebook. You will never heal if you keep checking in on him. Hugs. 1
bluecastle Posted December 23, 2017 Posted December 23, 2017 Yes, stop checking FB. You're telling yourself stories that aren't true. Focus on the story that is true: you aren't together because it wasn't working. Just repeat that when your mind starts to spin: it wasn't working, it wasn't working. It doesn't mean that you didn't share a connection—you did, and you'll always have that. But that was the past. The present and future is about mourning it, letting go, and listening to the lessons so they'll inform you and strengthen you as you move forward. I know it's hard. I'm in a version of the same pain right now. But you've got this.
Author sarahh000 Posted December 23, 2017 Author Posted December 23, 2017 Yes, stop checking FB. You're telling yourself stories that aren't true. Focus on the story that is true: you aren't together because it wasn't working. Just repeat that when your mind starts to spin: it wasn't working, it wasn't working. It doesn't mean that you didn't share a connection—you did, and you'll always have that. But that was the past. The present and future is about mourning it, letting go, and listening to the lessons so they'll inform you and strengthen you as you move forward. I know it's hard. I'm in a version of the same pain right now. But you've got this. Thank you. It's not easy and I feel so often that it is impossible that I will ever love someone this much ever again. I had hope when I fell in love with my most recent ex but now I can't even remember how it felt loving him and I think it was just a rebound now when I look back at my relationship with him but I can't know for sure. I just sort of lost all hope for real when I woke up one day and didn't love that guy anymore although he was literally everything i've ever wanted in a boyfriend apart from some issues he had as well. I always seem to attract people with mental health issues in general... probably because i'm not 100% normal either lol. 1
marky00 Posted December 24, 2017 Posted December 24, 2017 That's typical men. If I was in his position I would have no trouble getting in touch again if only to apologize at least even if I risked being dissed. I did with my most recent boyfriend I had he pushed me away and told me to leave him alone because I had broken his heart (but all I did to him was break up and well act a bit cold towards the end of the relationship because I wasn't in love anymore) and I texted him few weeks later that regardless I was there if he ever needed anyone and weeks more passed and now we get along great because I did that even though I knew he was very upset. Pride... One should have no pride if they've hurt someone they say they love. lol cmon. you friend zoned the guy you dumped to make yourself feel a bit better. He has agreed to be friend zoned to see if there is anyway he might be able to change your mind. No dumpee ever feels great staying in contact with a dumper. Your living in fairyland if you think otherwise. Now what you need to do is reverse the roles. Your Ex who dumped you is thinking exactly what you thought with regards to the guy you dumped. Do you want to be friend zoned and help alleviate his guilt? As for why he didn't try. I have noticed that female dumpers tend to dish out breadcrumbs more than male dumpers do. Hard to say why but it might be it seems that for whatever reason, women do not like to be hated by anyone. I guess if they are hated, they feel like a failure. Or maybe its the nurturing aspect of women. Men will feel guilty about dumping someone but they don't seem to act on it as much. I know I don't. I try to just own the guilt. Wouldn't want to use an ex for sex etc. 1
Frostedflake Posted December 24, 2017 Posted December 24, 2017 But I don't think he's a bad person. He has talked to me about issues he has and he has been suicidal for many years too but is afraid of therapy due to bad experiences of it in the past. So please don't call him trash regardless. And I may deserve better but I rather be alone. Someone can be a GOOD person and still be BAD to/for YOU. Some of the people that have treated us like dirt are actually very kind to other people and do good things. He's not offering that side to you.
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