heartbrokenlady Posted December 22, 2017 Posted December 22, 2017 So my ex and I split up between 3 & 5 months ago (messy ending). He ended it and has shown no desire to try again. I've been in touch more than I should have been. I've had a really hard time with the ending and haven't been handling it well. He's been good about the contact. Says he misses me too, that he'll also always love me etc. He's gradually been cutting down on his responses to my contact. Fair enough. This is good. I've told him to ignore my messages if he needs to, that it would probably be for the best anyway. I do think about him most of the time still. I pretty much accept that it's over but am struggling. I live overseas, so our contact is now only limited to email. We are not on each others social media anymore. Anyway. Today, I got a Christmas card from him. A special one, that he's bought from a place we used to visit together. Sentimental value. The message inside was loving, but still without any indication of a desire for reconciliation. I just wonder why he sent it. Despite being pathetic and weak (the contact I still have with him) I haven't sent him one. He isn't one for sending cards to family and friends. Neither of us are, although I send them to close family. Any ideas? (PS, no nagging about my not being NC. I know this. I'm doing my best.)
Chilli Posted December 22, 2017 Posted December 22, 2017 Oh man , sounds a lot like my sitch. We;re in different countries too , LD. l've also sent her a few emails , l dunno , the way we eventually ended . l'd love to send her a christmas card too, l know , why. Just to let her know l'm thinking of her in whatever way she wants to think, l know she'll be alone at christmas. At the least he cares about you even if it didn't work out. lt's easily possible to still care and miss you , hope your ok and stuff , even if he ended it, But there's not enough to know if it might be more than that though sorry. 1
JuneL Posted December 22, 2017 Posted December 22, 2017 I just read your earlier thread about his adult daughter living with him and making your life miserable. The guy is clearly conflict-avoidant big time. He just didn't want you to hate him. 2
d0nnivain Posted December 22, 2017 Posted December 22, 2017 It almost sounds like he regrets the BU, but it feels almost hurtful to go with something that has so much sentimental value. If JuneL is correct about her assessment of your BU, I agree. . . the card means don't hate me. It is not an indication that he's willing to work on what drove you apart. 2
Author heartbrokenlady Posted December 23, 2017 Author Posted December 23, 2017 I agree. It is hurtful. The irony is, if he gives me space to get over it, I'd like us to be friends in the end. I asked him to block me, so my pathetic attempts to contact him bounced back, but he wouldn't. But this way, by the time I AM feeling better, I won't want anything to do with him. Just strange. Why end it with someone, then make an effort to do a nice but misplaced thing.
JuneL Posted December 23, 2017 Posted December 23, 2017 Men hate to be viewed as a bad guy who has hurt his ex-girlfriend. I can imagine this applies even much more to your ex, who seems to be trying to be nice to everyone (even though, he might end up hurting all the parties involved). Reading your earlier thread, you've already spent many years waiting for him to set boundaries with his adult daughter. Please don't waste any more of your time on this man. I agree. It is hurtful. The irony is, if he gives me space to get over it, I'd like us to be friends in the end. I asked him to block me, so my pathetic attempts to contact him bounced back, but he wouldn't. But this way, by the time I AM feeling better, I won't want anything to do with him. Just strange. Why end it with someone, then make an effort to do a nice but misplaced thing. 1
Author heartbrokenlady Posted December 23, 2017 Author Posted December 23, 2017 I'm trying not to. It'll take me a long time to get over it. It'd be easier if he didn't want to stay in touch. I don't really have any desire for reconciliation. His daughter saw to that. 1
JuneL Posted December 23, 2017 Posted December 23, 2017 OP: What about you don't acknowledge his card, and take NC from there?
Author heartbrokenlady Posted December 24, 2017 Author Posted December 24, 2017 OP: What about you don't acknowledge his card, and take NC from there? Trying. I managed 2 weeks at one point.
Popsicle Posted December 26, 2017 Posted December 26, 2017 (edited) So my ex and I split up between 3 & 5 months ago (messy ending). He ended it and has shown no desire to try again. I've been in touch more than I should have been. I've had a really hard time with the ending and haven't been handling it well. He's been good about the contact. Says he misses me too, that he'll also always love me etc. He's gradually been cutting down on his responses to my contact. Fair enough. This is good. I've told him to ignore my messages if he needs to, that it would probably be for the best anyway. I do think about him most of the time still. I pretty much accept that it's over but am struggling. I live overseas, so our contact is now only limited to email. We are not on each others social media anymore. Anyway. Today, I got a Christmas card from him. A special one, that he's bought from a place we used to visit together. Sentimental value. The message inside was loving, but still without any indication of a desire for reconciliation. I just wonder why he sent it. Despite being pathetic and weak (the contact I still have with him) I haven't sent him one. He isn't one for sending cards to family and friends. Neither of us are, although I send them to close family. Any ideas? (PS, no nagging about my not being NC. I know this. I'm doing my best.) I've concluded that it makes men feel good to be nice to you after it's over. They have no intentions to get back with you or anything. It just makes them feel good to say nice things. It's all about making themselves feel good. They won't actually DO anything (as in action). Sending a message to your ex or a woman is like emotional porn for them. It's something but not quite. Edited December 26, 2017 by Popsicle
Author heartbrokenlady Posted December 26, 2017 Author Posted December 26, 2017 I've concluded that it makes men feel good to be nice to you after it's over. They have no intentions to get back with you or anything. It just makes them feel good to say nice things. It's all about making themselves feel good. They won't actually DO anything (as in action). Sending a message to your ex or a woman is like emotional porn for them. It's something but not quite. I think now it's just cruel and unkind. I don't want you. I'm going to wreck your life. Oh and by the way, here's a special card. I'm fine so I can do 'nice' things like this. Doesn't matter I s**t on and trod on the traces. Sorry. Having a very bad patch. I think hating him might be preferable to loving him. Bring it on.
Akashsingh Posted December 26, 2017 Posted December 26, 2017 I've concluded that it makes men feel good to be nice to you after it's over. They have no intentions to get back with you or anything. It just makes them feel good to say nice things. It's all about making themselves feel good. They won't actually DO anything (as in action). Sending a message to your ex or a woman is like emotional porn for them. It's something but not quite. As a man I can tell you that after the breakup, the feeling inside me has been that of anger for a while and then it turns to softness and remorse. I would want to get back with one of the women I had feelings for, not the other one. However, I will not initiate contact with either one of them. I have run this scenario through my mind as to what to do if I run into one of my exes, so that I am prepped for that to happen. I think sending emails or mails first is the best way to start reconciliation. Face to face the first time is a way too much for emotional drama. If one of my recent exes ran into me face to face unexpected, I might cry. 1
Popsicle Posted December 26, 2017 Posted December 26, 2017 I think now it's just cruel and unkind. I don't want you. I'm going to wreck your life. Oh and by the way, here's a special card. I'm fine so I can do 'nice' things like this. Doesn't matter I s**t on and trod on the traces. Sorry. Having a very bad patch. I think hating him might be preferable to loving him. Bring it on. No it's not like that. He's over there thinking the cards are making you feel good, which in turn makes him feel good. He doesn't mean it in a cruel way. He just wants to feel good. I'm telling you, it's like porn.
Popsicle Posted December 26, 2017 Posted December 26, 2017 As a man I can tell you that after the breakup, the feeling inside me has been that of anger for a while and then it turns to softness and remorse. I would want to get back with one of the women I had feelings for, not the other one. However, I will not initiate contact with either one of them. I have run this scenario through my mind as to what to do if I run into one of my exes, so that I am prepped for that to happen. I think sending emails or mails first is the best way to start reconciliation. Face to face the first time is a way too much for emotional drama. If one of my recent exes ran into me face to face unexpected, I might cry. Remorse is only meaningful if you can show it. In your case, you may want to reconcile, but in other cases, I think it's not about the woman, but more about making himself feel good.
Akashsingh Posted December 26, 2017 Posted December 26, 2017 Remorse is only meaningful if you can show it. In your case, you may want to reconcile, but in other cases, I think it's not about the woman, but more about making himself feel good. always. If a woman desires reconciliation, think about what attracted the man to her in the first place. Be that woman.
Popsicle Posted December 26, 2017 Posted December 26, 2017 always. If a woman desires reconciliation, think about what attracted the man to her in the first place. Be that woman. All I can muster up right now is being nice and polite, which I have been. Because he never apologized or fixed the problem. Does he want to reconcile or just go back to how it was before? I think the latter.
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