JPMorgan Posted August 23, 2005 Posted August 23, 2005 You said it yourself: [color=red]i owe it to myself and most importantly to my son to have us involved in a REAL relationship.[/color] Print this out and put it up all over your home, your car, your work space, anyplace where it is in front of you all the time. Put a pic of your son next to it and imagine him all grown up and married -- and cheating on his wife. You can do this.
justcallmesnug Posted August 23, 2005 Posted August 23, 2005 Originally posted by brubaker2004 i have tried so hard today to not contact him. i am successful thus far. it is so difficult, more than i imagined. i hope he is going through the same anguish, and part of me feels he is. but you are right, if he really is feeling he wants to be out of his marriage he will get out. part of me hates him, too. which is so conflicting because he is the one i am so in love with. but i feel he is weak for staying in a loveless marriage for 20 years. not loveless the entire time, i realize, but definitely the last few years. my parents got divorced amicably when i was about 14, and the reason they did was to NOT stay together for the kids. they felt it was better to "save the people and not the marriage". as a kid i couldn't understand it since they rarely fought, but as an adult i get it and i feel like he should, too (his parents had a terrible divorce when he was about the same age). Bru- Don't contact him today and see that you will be okay. I know what you mean though. It doesn't seem like it bothers the MMs that much to not be in touch. I am home today all upset because he is talking rudely to me, and he is at the beach with his kids until 9:00 tonight. You are the one he says he is so in love with, not to be tough on you, he shows her he loves her by staying and providing, etc., he says he is in love with you. Perhaps he is, but you need something else from him, or you wouldn't be so sad. I, too, can not understand why MM is staying with her. He has told me a million times he doesn't want to upset the whole family structure, but it seems absurd to me that he won't say anything. I can only assume by bringing this up to him and asking him to be out in the open so we could have a real relationship, that it made him dislike me to some degree, even though he says not true. You will be okay. I'm sure you are great, and there probably is a free and clear guy out there somewhere who would love to be with you and your son. I have to believe the same for myself, too. Stay strong. Snug
EnigmaXOXO Posted August 23, 2005 Posted August 23, 2005 …i feel empty inside. Again, that's an inside job. Outside of work, your son and your MM…what are your passions? What brings you joy? Surely, there is more to your life than this one-dimensional image extracted from your post. Focus on enhancing parts of your life that do not require being co-dependant on other people. Pursue hobbies, interests…enrich your life by becoming the kind of person you want to be…doing some of the things you have always wanted to do. That inspires growth and self reliance, and in turn creates happiness. It also creates confidence and self esteem once you realize you are capable of landing on your own two feet and can start back over right where you left off if things do not always go in the direction you hoped. Once you learn how to fill your own void, you'll be less likely to rely so much on all the wrong kinds of people to fill in those gaps for you. You'll also discover that you'll be less likely to dwell so much (even obsess) over loss and life's little disappointments. Recovery time will be much quicker when you find yourself busy with more positive things to focus on. Easier said than done for lots of folks (I know). But believe me, with enough determination and practice it will eventually become a good habit that becomes the best part of you. Get out. Go out. Have a little FUN!
Author brubaker2004 Posted August 23, 2005 Author Posted August 23, 2005 your advice is sound. but part of the problem is that "going out and having fun" as a single mom who works full-time is not really very easy. i was not married to my son's father, and although he is still in my son's life i pretty much do the parenting and he helps out minimally as far as finances go. i actually lost a lot of my "friends" after i had my son simply because i was not available to go out with them on the days/nights it was convenient for them. when i started seeing my MM, it actually worked out perfect. i was not intending to fall in love with anyone, didn't have the time or energy to really, intentionally get into something. but he was someone who was just as unavailable time-wise as i was, you know? we both work downtown (i live in the city and he is in the suburbs) so it was easy to meet at lunch or after work before i picked up my son. it took me a long time before i dared involve him in my son's life, simply because i want consistency in my little boy's life, and only when my MM started talking about being in love and wanting to leave his marriage for me did i feel like we could have a future. anyway, my point is that given my situation in life i don't feel like moving on with another man is as easy an option for me. not to mention that the thought of being with someone else makes me ill right now because i am missing my MM so much. as far as hobbies, interests, etc. my god, it has been so long since i have thought about anything like that for me and not for my child that i wouldn't even know where to begin. i hate me right now.
lynnered Posted August 23, 2005 Posted August 23, 2005 i have no kids & my divorced friend just broke up with the 1 i left my husband for after 4years together with 2 kids gets out more then me!! she wasnt really soicalable when with guy left husband 4, they broke up shes dating around ALOT and going out mostly drinking dancing but still it can be done!! keep ur head up itll get better and dont hate u its hard ,i hate my life right now!! but i keep thinking things have to get better
JPMorgan Posted August 23, 2005 Posted August 23, 2005 There must be some activities that you can do with your son and be able to socialize with other parents? Maybe you can make some new friends for you when you are taking your son to activities - playground activities, play groups, tumbling class, swimming, whatever. Make some friends first -- invite one to have coffee together with you and your son after karate class or whatever. Lots of people meet the men (or women) they fall for through friends or acquaintenances. You'll also be making friends with people who have something in common with you -- children of the about the same age. I know it hurts, but try to shift your focus and know that it won't hurt like this forever. You deserve so much more than half of someone else's life.
justcallmesnug Posted August 23, 2005 Posted August 23, 2005 Originally posted by brubaker2004 when i started seeing my MM, it actually worked out perfect. i was not anyway, my point is that given my situation in life i don't feel like moving on with another man is as easy an option for me. not to mention that the thought of being with someone else makes me ill right now because i am missing my MM so much. as far as hobbies, interests, etc. my god, it has been so long since i have thought about anything like that for me and not for my child that i wouldn't even know where to begin. i hate me right now. Bru, I have restrictions on my life that are different than what you have, and these things would make it hard for me to just move on to someone else, so I understand. Also, you don't want to move on to someone else, you love this guy. Again,I understand. Can you love him still, but be at peace that he's with someone else? Hon, he's not available right now. In the meantime, both you and I, have to find happiness in other things and other people. Do not hate yourself, love yourself!
Author brubaker2004 Posted August 23, 2005 Author Posted August 23, 2005 when i take my son to the playground i always feel the cliques of stay at home mommies with thier big diamond rocks on their fingers look at me with a cautious smile. they know i am not married, and because i keep myself very fit (not saying they do not) and attractive i think they look at me as a bit of a threat. if their husbands happen to be there with them, then i get no smile from the women at all. i guess i shouldn't be surprised seeing how so many men cheat, including my MM. but i will keep trying to reach out. i joined an online group for mommies in the city where i live, and i asked if anyone would like to form a play group or just hang out. when i mentioned i am a single mom the responses stopped coming. but this is all another story for another thread. i just talked to my sister on the phone and re-hashed the whole break-up with the MM. of course she thinks it is absolutely the best thing i could have done, but she didn't even know the full story. i had told her he was separated and he even came to a few family events with me.
sadlittlegirl Posted August 24, 2005 Posted August 24, 2005 Oh bru. That's terrible that you feel alienated being a single mother. Please don't let that get you down. I think it's wonderful and some day your son will appreciate you very much. How about trying to reach out to the other single moms where you live? You can't be the only one.
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