i JUST broke up with my MM and need support...

[brubaker2004]

hi guys,

 

i literally just ended it with a MM i have been with for a year. same story everyone has, i really believe he loves me, i KNOW i love him. but he keeps making excuses as to why he won't leave his W. i let it linger on for a lot longer then i was comfortable with, and finally i realized that i want to be with someone who wants me involved in EVERY aspect of his life. he pleaded with me to hang on "just a little longer", that "the time will be right to leave her soon". but whenever i find myself talking about this situation, i can hardly believe i am talking about myself. i know if a friend were in this situation i would have told her to get out a long time ago (as my friends did).

 

so now i am out and i can already feel myself wanting to call him and tell him i will hang on longer. please let me know if you or anyone you know has gotten through this stage without giving in and any advice you may have. thanks so much.

[lynnered]

brubaker2004

hey sorry ur down!!

ive written alot down in a journel,

and when i feel like calling ,i read through all the ,sad mad &bad times,

or i write more ,

i listen to music not sad

write down pros cons of dealing with MM

bought a puppy one time bought a house another time

make myself go out when i dont want to

look its the same as getting over any guy

except the only reason it didnt work out was because hes Married,

that is beyond ur control

i stayed 4 years way to long

worst case senerios

1 u NC he shows up ive left her & i want u!!

2 he stays u move on &dont waste precious time of ur life

its a win win situation

[brubaker2004]

thanks for the reply. your worst case scenarios are right on the money. if he left her i'd be back with him in a SECOND, but then i would wonder if it is a matter of time before the same thing happens to me.

 

he married her very young because she was pregnant, and now he is successful and she has a great life (well, monetarily speaking) and has told him she will "rape him in divorce court" if he ever leaves her. he is scared to death. he also has two sons, one in college and one who is 12 and he is worried about them. well, i am a single mom to a toddler, so i understand that worry, but i feel he sometimes uses it as an excuse to stall on leaving her.

 

i owe it to myself and most importantly to my son to have us involved in a REAL relationship.

[newbby]

i'm sorry brubaker. these relationships are so difficult to end because they are still available to us and we are still in love with them.

i went through similar things, it has taken me until now to get over it.

i realise now, how much better off i would have been if i really did just get over it as quickly as i could.

you know the only way to find out if he is for real or not is to do nc.

after a while of nc you will gain a little more objectivity in this.

if he comes back (whih he most definetly will), resolve to be firm and strong (this is where i went wrong), and to not do anything at all with him, whilst he is still married.

[brubaker2004]

good advice. being strong is so tough, but i owe it to my son. of course this all happened while my son is on vacation with his fatehr until next week so i am literally alone.

 

i was SO into this MM that i severed most of my friendships while i was dating him, he was very insecure because a lot of my friends are guys. i can't even believe i did that knowing he went home to his W every night.

 

hindsight is 20/20, though.

 

i agree, NC is the only way to go. but i DO want him to leave her and come back to me.

[Marie1973]

Hello

 

I am in the same situation, however, i cannot give advice cause i can't take it. I can't go the NC

thing, it drives me crazy. I know your pain though. My heart ached for the 10 days that i didn't have any contact with my man, until i broke it.

[brubaker2004]

hey marie-

 

i tried to end it with my MM a few times, hopefully this time will stick. sorry you have had your troubles with this as well. the more research i do, i cannot believe how many people are in this same situation.

 

i don't think i agree with those people that say all MM are stringing the OW along, though. i really believe a lot of marriages stay together only for the kids and that a lot of MM really are in love w the OW.

[lynnered]

Originally posted by brubaker2004

thanks for the reply. your worst case scenarios are right on the money. if he left her i'd be back with him in a SECOND, but then i would wonder if it is a matter of time before the same thing happens to me.

 

he married her very young because she was pregnant, and now he is successful and she has a great life (well, monetarily speaking) and has told him she will "rape him in divorce court" if he ever leaves her. he is scared to death. he also has two sons, one in college and one who is 12 and he is worried about them. well, i am a single mom to a toddler, so i understand that worry, but i feel he sometimes uses it as an excuse to stall on leaving her.

 

i owe it to myself and most importantly to my son to have us involved in a REAL relationship.

mine MM was with her wanted out she got preg ,he married her

felt he made his bed ,his father wasnt around ,shes 5 years older overweight &controling

she has said she would kill him in child support &he also has a pension

mine has told me his fears ,change $$,seeing child etc

i know he loves me but i dont know if thats enough to make him leave

i ownmy own home great body took care of him better then any woman ever has inside & outside the bedroom (he told me this),he has never seen someone as good looking as me "this close"or dated anyone so goodlooking,i have no kids,make good $%$ i am 27 years old,for the most part weve had great communication(we only fight about him being married) ,same goals etc

ive been dealing with this guy 4years ,right now NC(UNLESS HE LEAVES)

ive spoken to his father ,shes is all he says controlling rude ,he doesnt even touch or kiss her (his fathers never seen it not even at the wedding!!)

his father dont think he will leave ,his father thinks he sees W as a mother cause thats how she acts &he acts like her child

and reason i wrote so much about me?to show u all me &him connect ,the way i treat him ,i can match her in$$,

but hes still not here

but thats his choice i understand the kid the money ive told him people do this everyday ,hes been with his"mommy figure since 19,

etc

but all this good about me &all this bad about her

changes nothing

she has his little one

i can let go knowing i did my best i was patient ,

he will be the one to look back with regret

think long &hard but please dont waste all the time i did ,if u want him do NC ,and do like i did im not asking u to leave im saying i cant stay & if u lose the 200 pound dogface get in touch &only break it if hes out of the home wh her

keep posting

[lynnered]

Originally posted by brubaker2004

hey marie-

 

i tried to end it with my MM a few times, hopefully this time will stick. sorry you have had your troubles with this as well. the more research i do, i cannot believe how many people are in this same situation.

 

i don't think i agree with those people that say all MM are stringing the OW along, though. i really believe a lot of marriages stay together only for the kids and that a lot of MM really are in love w the OW.

YES !!!

how many guys at work ,that are so unhappy

one guy has 4 kids

one guy told me he had 17 years 2go(before he could leave wife)

,a couple of months later he told me she was preg ,

i told him he just added 18 years to his sentence

[newbby]

men complain about their wives all the time, it doesnt mean they actually want to go the full step of divorcing them though.

my mm fed me so much bllsht about his marriage, i really believed he was deeply unhappy. i did not believe somebody could lie to the extent that he did.

i still believe he isnt completely happy with her, but i do not believe he will ever, ever leave her. i think he is happy enough that he will stay.

[brubaker2004]

my MM said all of those same things, that i was the most beautiful woman he has ever seen, my smile is prettier than heidi klum. i am almost 34 and i have a child and i still look really good and i am proud of that. but it only makes me think more, what the heck am i doing??? i obviously cannot wait around for this guy, i am still young and pretty and am a "catch" (although a lot of guys go running in the other direction because i have a child. obviously not guys i want anyway).

 

you and i have such a similar situation. he married her when he was 19 or 20 because she was pregnant. she is 5 years older than him, too. i think she knew what she was doing, he was on the way to becoming a professional baseball player and she saw a goldmine. well, he ended up being a very successful stockbroker and now she lives in the lap of luxury and there is no way she will leave him without taking everything.

 

i just wish he would realize that i don't want him for his money. i have a good job, and although i'd LOVE to be an at home mom to my son i'd work as long as i need to if it meant we can be together. she works part time, not because she needs to, though. AND he gives her $5000 a month to spend on whatever she wants. no way she is giving that up.

 

he says he is not attracted to her. i have seen a picture, and she looks her age, mid forties and is attractive in a "mom" way. i have started to resent her for staying in a loveless marriage purely for financial reasons, though. i knew it was time to get out for good when i realized my feelings about her. i have to admit that i am the OW, and this is still HER husband, and until that changes all i am is interfering in their life. it is not her fault, she is just protecting herself and her kids as any woman would probably do, and in reality i am the immoral one and i could not live like that anymore.

[ww]

Originally posted by brubaker2004

hi guys,

 

i literally just ended it with a MM i have been with for a year. same story everyone has, i really believe he loves me, i KNOW i love him. but he keeps making excuses as to why he won't leave his W. i let it linger on for a lot longer then i was comfortable with, and finally i realized that i want to be with someone who wants me involved in EVERY aspect of his life. he pleaded with me to hang on "just a little longer", that "the time will be right to leave her soon". but whenever i find myself talking about this situation, i can hardly believe i am talking about myself. i know if a friend were in this situation i would have told her to get out a long time ago (as my friends did).

 

so now i am out and i can already feel myself wanting to call him and tell him i will hang on longer. please let me know if you or anyone you know has gotten through this stage without giving in and any advice you may have. thanks so much.

 

HUGS.

i really feel 4 u

hang on out there. don`t call. it can only get worse.

talking from experience. trust me

[brubaker2004]

i just know that in HIS mind i am the one who bailed on the relationship, when i really feel like he did. if he loves me as much as he says he does, then he'd make the changes that would allow me to be with him in every aspect of his life.

[newbby]

i just know that in HIS mind i am the one who bailed on the relationship

 

trust me, this is better.

you bailed on the relationship for good reason.

you know what you want, that is attractive.

you would not put up with his treatment of you, that is self respect.

let him believe that and encourage it by not backing down.

i wish i had done the same, believe me.

[lynnered]

Originally posted by brubaker2004

my MM said all of those same things, that i was the most beautiful woman he has ever seen, my smile is prettier than heidi klum. i am almost 34 and i have a child and i still look really good and i am proud of that. but it only makes me think more, what the heck am i doing??? i obviously cannot wait around for this guy, i am still young and pretty and am a "catch" (although a lot of guys go running in the other direction because i have a child. obviously not guys i want anyway).

 

you and i have such a similar situation. he married her when he was 19 or 20 because she was pregnant. she is 5 years older than him, too. i think she knew what she was doing, he was on the way to becoming a professional baseball player and she saw a goldmine. well, he ended up being a very successful stockbroker and now she lives in the lap of luxury and there is no way she will leave him without taking everything.

 

i just wish he would realize that i don't want him for his money. i have a good job, and although i'd LOVE to be an at home mom to my son i'd work as long as i need to if it meant we can be together. she works part time, not because she needs to, though. AND he gives her $5000 a month to spend on whatever she wants. no way she is giving that up.

 

he says he is not attracted to her. i have seen a picture, and she looks her age, mid forties and is attractive in a "mom" way. i have started to resent her for staying in a loveless marriage purely for financial reasons, though. i knew it was time to get out for good when i realized my feelings about her. i have to admit that i am the OW, and this is still HER husband, and until that changes all i am is interfering in their life. it is not her fault, she is just protecting herself and her kids as any woman would probably do, and in reality i am the immoral one and i could not live like that anymore.

yes but i read somewhere i might have it wrong

the worst thing that happened 2 me,

ended up being the best thing that ever happened 2me

right now everything is falling apart

money

work

sept coming up ssssssoo

at least if they say karma is a bitch im paying back now

but i don't feel bad as far as W ,its a bad situation &i know (not intentionally)I've kept that marriage going,by being around i even told him that 1x & he agreed ,

i mean even if its just for kids u cant go on forever that unhappy

and as far as morals yes i am disappointed in me !!i let me down i did it in the name of love ,but not to get religious but I've asked for forgiveness of myself &prayed ,

so i wont walk down that road again &don't feel soo bad just don't do it again

all the writing i have of all the times i was upset & cried i am burning(its over 2 notebooks),

love this man like no other but i wont go against my morals again 4 no one ,

its in his hands ,if he wants to stay then stay (i just regret that she never has & prob never will treat him right )I've even told him before if u want to work things out then do it he says no,

starting in June he started to tell her he's gone after summers over & this is his closet to leaving but as long as he's in that situation i cant pretend 2 b happy & not get mad about stuff related to that sssssoooo,

i havent spoken to him since8/3 then 8/7 the types me he don't want to deal wh me no more until he's out of his situation &he doesn't want us 2hate each &have things not work out when he leaves(wed been fighting allot lately),he's been signing on to IM more then usually he cant see me I'm invisible lol he's sent me :-/ confused on im 8/21 ,i guess cause he hasn't seen me logged on,

he doesn't get it!!this is the first time he's NC do u think he's trying to break it?

its going to be OK i hope I'm helping u ,

ur helping me by getting my thoughts out loud

[Marie1973]

Brubaker

 

Yes we are in similar situations. I cant' seem to break it with mine though.

He too will be paying over $5000 a month for child support, alimony, etc. I always asked him why he stayed if he was so unhappy. His answer was what i hear a lot "its cheaper to keep her." I don't blame him 1 bit, but now I am here.

 

I am 32 years old, young, tall, attractive, financially secure too. I told him that i don't care about his money. I am willing to sign a pre-nup if he wants, doesn't matter to me.

 

THis is a big step in their lives for us. I just hope they both make the right choice. I love my MM to death & can't picture my life without him. But he does have to Sh** or get off the pot. ya know

[lynnered]

Originally posted by brubaker2004

i just know that in HIS mind i am the one who bailed on the relationship, when i really feel like he did. if he loves me as much as he says he does, then he'd make the changes that would allow me to be with him in every aspect of his life.

same thing with mine ive done NC before ,

hes been angry at me especailly last few times because i said id give him til sept ,

i just cant deal with it!

he says this is hard on him u know until this past year when ive started doing longer NC he has valued me more & started being so nice "cause i just make him feel like that"

and u are so right about him making the changes ,uv shown him ,uv stuck by him through what alot of people woulndnt ,

its not fun when ur man goes home 2 someelse takes her out ,vactions ,especially when she treats him like crap & u treat him like a king

please brubaker2004 do not break NC ,

it may take longer then u want ,

but if hes going to leave this is the only way!!

just live ur life dont wait ,

and like i said hell either leave or not leave either way ull know ,

but if he doesnt please dont feel its cause he didnt care there are so may other factors with MM,

but at least u are being true to u!!

keep it up

[justcallmesnug]

Originally posted by brubaker2004

i just know that in HIS mind i am the one who bailed on the relationship, when i really feel like he did. if he loves me as much as he says he does, then he'd make the changes that would allow me to be with him in every aspect of his life.

 

Bru-

 

I feel the same way, but you don't want to end up feeling the way I do, or some of the other great gals out here. I am at 4.5 years. My MM is not leaving anybody, and his W sounds like the worst b**ch I've ever heard of in my life. Don't invest any more time. Believe us all when we say it only gets worse. You sound like you are standing up for yourself because you want and deserve more of him than what you are getting. If he doesn't leave to be with you, isn't it HIS loss?

 

Snug

[brubaker2004]

i cannot imagine being in this state for 4.5 years. it is so painful after just one.

 

i am guilty of sending my MM a text message last night. i said that i want him to remember how it feels when we are together, and that i want him to come back to me when his situation changes. he wrote back that he will never forget and that he loves me and my son and hopes that we end up together forever. i wrote back that he is the one who can make that happen.

 

after reading all of the posts on this site, i admit i feel like the chances are terrible for a woman in the situation we are in. a friend of mine is happily married to her former MM now and they have two beautiful boys and also his child from his first marriage. she gives me some hope that it can work out, but i feel like she is definitely the exception.

 

so depressed.

[newbby]

brubaker,

it is all a part of the process, and you are definetly doing the right thing.

saying he HOPES you can be together one day, says to me that he is not intending to take any action to MAKE that happen.

i am not saying he will never intend to, but he certainly is not at the moment.

he knows that for this to happen he has to do something about it and you were right to point that out to him.

be strong. you are doing the right thing.

they never leave if they can keep both things at once. if he still doesnt leave after nc, then it only proves that he never intended to.

[sadlittlegirl]

bru: Don't worry about the text message. It sounds like you got yourself out of a relationship that was going nowhere with dignity. I applaud you for that and wish I had half your strength. Who knows, he might just leave his marriage one day if he misses you enough.

[brubaker2004]

i am such a dork, one thing that is helping me through this is madonna's song, "Express Yourself". "you deserve the best in life, so if the time isn't right then move on. second best is never enough, you'll do much better baby on your own."

 

well said.

[justcallmesnug]

Originally posted by brubaker2004

i cannot imagine being in this state for 4.5 years. it is so painful after just one.

 

i am guilty of sending my MM a text message last night. i said that i want him to remember how it feels when we are together, and that i want him to come back to me when his situation changes. he wrote back that he will never forget and that he loves me and my son and hopes that we end up together forever. i wrote back that he is the one who can make that happen.

 

Hi, Bru-

 

Now, after you text something like that, do you feel kind of strange? I am continuing to leave phone messages" the way we used to" talk with each other, and I am starting to feel pathetic for doing so. Ending the phone message with I love you and I miss you, etc., is starting to make me feel uncomfortable.

 

Maybe he does hope he will end up with you, and if that is what you want, I hope it works out for you. I'm sorry to say you are right, the odds are not in favor of it working out.

 

I am crying non stop here day and night. Every time I look to him to say something loving or kind, like he used to continuously, he does not, so I hang up and end up crying. My friend says it's like you go to the well for a drink of water and it's empty, so why keep going back-there's no more water.

 

Things were not always like this, only for about a little over this past year. I am slowly coming to the realization that he may have meant all of the romantic things he said to me day after day, but now he is not doing that anymore. His whole life is with her and his kids. He constantly brings the kid thing up. I'm not against the kids, but he had them with her, you know? Well, you have a son so that probably wouldn't bother you as much.

 

Don't waste too much time and energy on this, Bru. If you are emotional like I am, this thing can practically kill 'ya!

 

Snug

[EnigmaXOXO]

i owe it to myself and most importantly to my son to have us involved in a REAL relationship.

 

Absolutely. You'll never be happy and content unless you take back some personal control over yourself and your situation.

 

If a person is truly unhappy with their relationship, they will find a way to extricate themselves without someone waiting in the wings to fall back on. Regardless of the cost. Because that's what they want, and not someone else. It's the only way to be certain that whatever choice he makes is genuine, permanent, and well thought out.

 

If done for any other reason, the chances are greater that there will be residual regret and/or second-guessing of that decision later on down the road when the affair relationship looses its excitement and appeal. And like many of the other married people we read about on this forum who left their marriages for reasons other than themselves… he's likely to get a case of the guilts and start missing the life and family that he had - and go back. OR, finding joy in his newfound freedom, he'll decide he wants to remain single and unencumbered by any woman until he figures out who he is and what he wants out of life.

 

If he places more value on what he already has rather than you or his own happiness, chances are you are not enough…nor will any one person ever be enough to keep him wholly satisfied and content. That's an inside job.

 

It's not your responsibility. It's not his wife's responsibility. It's HIS.

 

Good luck, and for your own emotional well-being, please find the inner courage and strength to remain consistent and follow through with your convictions. Particularly with the promises you have made to yourself . As a mother, I'm sure you already know that if you can't take you seriously, than neither will anyone else. Including your MM.

[brubaker2004]

i have tried so hard today to not contact him. i am successful thus far. it is so difficult, more than i imagined. i hope he is going through the same anguish, and part of me feels he is. but you are right, if he really is feeling he wants to be out of his marriage he will get out.

 

part of me hates him, too. which is so conflicting because he is the one i am so in love with. but i feel he is weak for staying in a loveless marriage for 20 years. not loveless the entire time, i realize, but definitely the last few years. my parents got divorced amicably when i was about 14, and the reason they did was to NOT stay together for the kids. they felt it was better to "save the people and not the marriage". as a kid i couldn't understand it since they rarely fought, but as an adult i get it and i feel like he should, too (his parents had a terrible divorce when he was about the same age).

 

anyway, i am rambling. i am useless at work today. i feel empty inside. i wish my little boy wasn't on vacation with his dad, going home to an empty house is brutal. although my sister asked me to come over tonight, but i feel like being with her and her husband, wonderful as they are, will just make me feel worse.

 

*SCREAMING*