WTF are the dating etiquettes and how much crap do you put up with in the beginning?

[totallyconfused]

So i've gone on 4 dates with this guy, plus tons of nonstop banter/flirting with him at work for like a good month straight. he tells me he wants to get serious with me, even before we kiss! now that i've done some (only a little) bit of messing around, he tells me he's really comfortable around me and he cant believe he's saying all this gay stuff to me so early on, and that he wants a relationship with me etc.

 

i told him that i just wanted to go with the flow and see if our direction will eventually meet up with one another. i just got out of a 4 year relationship about a month and a half ago and didnt want to lay my heart open to get ripped apart again. it just seems like he's not happy with my answer and idk what else to tell him. i do enjoy his company, am i going to make a blaring - i'll commit to you statement - no not yet, not this early on.

 

so my point....lol...we watched harold n kumar's whitecastle movie, thus i had a major craving for a whitecastle and he wudnt take me, he said he didnt want me to have fast food, blah blah blah. so im like fine. i told him any other place was fine to eat, but he didn't offer to take me elsewhere to eat. so basically i was just about to go home starving - which i did find a whitecastle and ate it pathetically alone. I just thought it was really inconsiderate of him. also, every time i leave from his house, he never calls me to see if i got home ok, instead he tells me to call him when i get home. and also tells me i cant smoke cigarettes. and so i dont around him.

 

im not sure what dating is supposed to be like, but this seems like a real drag putting up with this. after i told him that he was being inconsiderate for those couple of mindless thing, he's all ignoring me now. he's the one who wants the relationship, but i feel like he's limiting me and being (unintentionally) inconsiderate. so....what am i supposed to say? i have been brutally honest, i swear, people just cant handle the truth. its only been a little over a month and i feel so damn unsure.

 

*i failed to mention, that he has been really sweet and caring elsewise... maybe i am just being picky?

[JS17]

It does sound like you might be a bit picky. You also rejected him so he has every right to back off. If you told him in a kind and caring way that you really like him but want to take things slow since you just got out of a LTR and he was not willing to go at your pace then it doesn't work for both of you. If that was not the approach that you took then I can understand why he backed away from the relationship.

[Devildog]

From a guy's point of view you sound like you are all over the place. You don't want a serious relationship, but you expect him to act like you are in a serious relationship.

 

Expecting him to call you to see if you made it home OK sounds like a double edged sword to me. How is he supposed to know exactly how long it takes you to get home? If he calls too soon before you get home, is he checking up on you? If he waits and calls too late after you get home he isn't being considerate enough or thinking about you enough? IMO the person who is driving is responsible for letting the other know they made it home OK.

 

The impression I would get if I was this guy is that you want the benefits of being in a relationship with him, but want to keep the door open for dating some other shiney bauble that might come along.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

Originally posted by totallyconfused

So i've gone on 4 dates with this guy, plus tons of nonstop banter/flirting with him at work for like a good month straight. he tells me he wants to get serious with me, even before we kiss! now that i've done some (only a little) bit of messing around, he tells me he's really comfortable around me and he cant believe he's saying all this gay stuff to me so early on, and that he wants a relationship with me etc.

 

#1. You work together.

 

so my point....lol...we watched harold n kumar's whitecastle movie, thus i had a major craving for a whitecastle and he wudnt take me, he said he didnt want me to have fast food, blah blah blah.

 

#2. He wants to control what you eat???

 

so im like fine. i told him any other place was fine to eat, but he didn't offer to take me elsewhere to eat. so basically i was just about to go home starving - which i did find a whitecastle and ate it pathetically alone. I just thought it was really inconsiderate of him.

 

#3. He is inconsiderate and could have offered an alternative like making you a healthy snack.

 

also, every time i leave from his house, he never calls me to see if i got home ok, instead he tells me to call him when i get home. and also tells me i cant smoke cigarettes. and so i dont around him.

 

#4. If he doesn't want to be with a smoker, he should not be with you.

 

(You should call him when you get home because he can't predict when you will get home. If you don't call him, then he can worry and try to reach you, it just makes sense that way.)

 

im not sure what dating is supposed to be like, but this seems like a real drag putting up with this. after i told him that he was being inconsiderate for those couple of mindless thing, he's all ignoring me now. he's the one who wants the relationship, but i feel like he's limiting me and being (unintentionally) inconsiderate. so....what am i supposed to say? i have been brutally honest, i swear, people just cant handle the truth. its only been a little over a month and i feel so damn unsure.

 

 

How harshly did you "tell him he was being inconsiderate..." ?

He's ignoring you because you hurt his feelings and he is acting like a child about it.

 

*i failed to mention, that he has been really sweet and caring elsewise... maybe i am just being picky?

 

Really now?

 

No, I don't think you are being picky. Coming out of a long-term relationship, you have a pretty good idea of what you DON'T want. It sounds like he has a controlling nature and you should run. If he wants to know what happened, just tell him you weren't ready (I do that all the time).

[JPMorgan]

Originally posted by totallyconfused

but he didn't offer to take me elsewhere to eat. so basically i was just about to go home starving - which i did find a whitecastle and ate it pathetically alone. I just thought it was really inconsiderate of him. also, every time i leave from his house, he never calls me to see if i got home ok, instead he tells me to call him when i get home. and also tells me i cant smoke cigarettes. and so i dont around him.

 

Was the plan that he take you out to eat? I would be a bit bummed if someone I was with asked me to take them somewhere and spend money on them and it wasn't planned. I don't mind paying for someone to eat, but when its suddenly sprung on me I find it a bit off--putting. And as others have said, how would he know when to call you? You could have asked him if he would like you to call him when you arrive home. Unless you said "I'll be home in 30 minutes or less" then he could wait 30 minutes and call, but if you take longer than that you should call him. If you wake him up and he's upset about it then he wasn't interested.

 

It doesn't sound like you are very compatible -- why waste the time on the relationship?

[Art_Critic]

Originally posted by JPMorgan

Was the plan that he take you out to eat? I would be a bit bummed if someone I was with asked me to take them somewhere and spend money on them and it wasn't planned. I don't mind paying for someone to eat, but when its suddenly sprung on me I find it a bit off--putting.

 

WTF !! It's Whitecastles ... like a buck or 2 ... it's not like it's a 60.00 dinner she was asking for

[Dean3922]

I would say that because he wants to get serious before you've even kissed or done the deed that he has liked you for awhile and now that he's dating you he's ready to move much faster than you are.

He is being childish and you are all over the map. You need to decide if you want to be with him and put up with his ways. If you can't compromise and learn to accept each other then you probably aren't right for each other.

[totallyconfused]

art-critic - OMG i was thinking the same thing too!! its whitecastle!! but besides that, every date we've been on, except for the last one, i have paid my share b/c i didn't want to appear to be expecting him to pay my way or whatever. so he KNOWS i'm not that kind of person looking for a free deal or whatever. when he told me wanted a relationship, i told him that yes, i see that as a huge possibility. that i wanted to take things slow and see where they went. now i'm not so sure, he seems soooo serious about this. i am serious about this, but i just dont want to be poetic about it.

 

we do get along really well, we talk alot, sometimes i think too much. he seems pretty controlling in nature, i mean the whole fast food deal and smoking. he told me smoking was the only thing he didnt like about me, but now fast food? he knows i dont even eat fast food that often - it was just b/c of the movie. idk, its so weird. its so trivial and useless.

 

also, i'm only an intern so we dont really work together.

 

well OK i was pretty harsh - i had sent him a text message - "strike 1: never leave me 2 eat by myself. gay." yes childish, but i was really mad. we watched 2 full movies straight and he cudnt even be considerate to say he come out to eat with me or whatever. i asked him in a joking kind of way, but he didnt get it. i wasnt gonna force him to.

 

i asked him to come out my way (about 1/2 hour) and he was like thats too far of a drive, and i gave him that look like - i've come out to see you twice. he's like i'll come out there next weekend. so he offered neutral grounds to meet up halfway. but now...its like i just feel like if he really wants to make this work, well then its on him. is it best to just sit back ?

 

i guess the real question is, how much am i diggin this guy? how much do you deal with this stupid kind of drama? all i told him was that i thought it was inconsiderate of him to do that, and he's all mad cuz he's never been called that.

 

this is by far the gayest post i've written. im sorry.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

Originally posted by Dean3922

I would say that because he wants to get serious before you've even kissed or done the deed that he has liked you for awhile and now that he's dating you he's ready to move much faster than you are.

 

yeah....that or he is so insecure he wants to make sure he has you all to himself before the first date.

 

CONTROL FREAK!!!!

[flowergirl]

TC:

 

Don't waste your precious time on this guy. He's trying to control you, and it'll only get worse with all the excuses he'll use about your health habits (such as smoking and eating fast food). No person who cares about another will try to impose their ways on on that person, regardless of how much they may disagree with it. I hope you find someone who isn't a baby, in the meantime, go out, hang with your friends, enjoy yourself, when the time's right, you'll find someone. I know that really sounds annoyingly cliche, but it seems to be true.

[RecordProducer]

Originally posted by totallyconfused

maybe i am just being picky?

 

Or perhaps he is being too picky. You didn't say anything wrong. But obviously he wants everything to be his way or no way: the type of relationship from the very beginning, the choice of places to go, whether you eat or not...

 

He is being selfish. That's why he doesn't call to see if you got home okay. It's all about what he wants. And no cigarettes around him? It's been just 4 dates and he already showed his selfishness. Of course, he's caring most of the time, you haven't given him any reason to show his true colors yet. I think it will only get worse with time and you won't like what you might discover later.

 

Your choice anyway...

[oh_what_am_I_doing]

I agree with whoever said you two sound incompatible. It's neither your fault or his fault, though I do think there are unrealistic expectations on both your parts. For example, he has no right to tell you what to eat. The only reason I can figure that he told you not to eat fast food is because it's fattening. And who is he to tell you that at all, let alone after four dates. On the other hand, I think your expectation that he calls you when you get home is a bit much. He did, after all, ask you to call him. He was concerned that you made it home okay. Why does it matter if you call him or he calls you? I don't even see why it's necessary at all unless you're driving home at 3 am or something and you're really tired, or if you were having car troubles or almost out of gas. And if that's the case, he should offer to let you spend the night at his place instead of sending you on your way.

 

As for the no smoking rule, I think he thinks he's going to change you. If he doesn't want to date a smoker, then he shouldn't be dating a smoker. I'd make it very clear to him what your intentions are. If you have no intention of quitting, you should let him know that so that the two of you can split and not waste any more time, if necessary.

 

As for the 30 minute distance between the two of you... I can't believe he suggested you meet half way. A half hour is not a big deal if he owns a car. Suck it up, pay $40 fill up the gas tank, and drive over to your place. I drive over 20 minutes regularly to my boyfriend's place, and he does the same for me. My parents both commute over 45 minutes to work on a daily basis. His unwillingness to come over to your place is the largest red flag of them all, in my opinion. That's about as weak of an excuse as I've ever heard. I just read, "He's just not that into you" last night, and I would have to say that he's exhibiting all the signs of not being that into you. You deserve better. You deserve someone who is not only willing, but actually EXCITED about coming to your place for a visit. Someone who looks forward to it and drives the measly 30 minutes with a smile glued to his face. And really, if he's that into you, why have you only had four dates in a month? It's been my experience that when a guy's into you, he wants to see you several times a week.

 

I guess to sum it all up, I'd say that after four dates, you should very much be in the lovey dovey stage and doesn't sound like you are. Take that as a warning sign. It only will get worse as he reveals his true self to you.