2nd date and spending the night

[GemmaUK]

Yes, this guy is expecting to get laid. To me, this screams of impatience. When a guy is impatient with a woman, it usually means he doesn't want to invest a lot of time on her. I mean, halfway through your very first date he is already inviting you to come hook up with him? If I were you, I wouldn't expect anything from this guy aside from a possible fun night away.

 

What he said.

 

This guy does seem to be rushing things - that would be a red flag for me unless I was just after some fun and a new facebook friend.

[Maggie4]

Lilysun, i'm the one that asked if there's one bed or two. In another thread that asked if you've ever used someone for sex, my answer was that I've been accused of it, although that was not my intention.

What happens often is that sex shifts the focus in how you relate. If he changes his behavior after you've had sex, it doesn't mean he set out to use you. In dating, people get hurt unintentionally.

A lot of men don't need to work very hard for casual sex. There are plenty of women up for it. But a lot of men do have trouble finding someone to love.

From your replies, it sounds like you do want to have sex with him this early. In your 40's, this is a choice, it doesn't "just happen, one thing led to another, it felt right at the time". You are adults both equally responsible for making choices and for the consequences of your actions.

If this becomes a casual sex type of relationship, you contributed to that development. Not fair to blame the guy, the consenting woman is equally responsible. And like I said, sex will shift things onto a different course. It's a choice you make if you can handle the outcome.

[MaleIntuition]

I will stick out my nose here and say that waiting an arbitrary number of dates or days will not change the odds for a successful relationship.

 

If it feels right - it is right. If he loses interest; he wasn’t really interested to begin with. Yeah, sure, a trip as a second date is moving things forward quickly - but then maybe you had a very, very good first date?

[act00]

I'm also in my 40s, and kind of in the same boat as you. There are times I wait. I may as well get a few dates, dinners, drinks out of it and some making out, cuddling, etc. Other times, I've just gone for it. One lasted only 2-1/2 months but I really thought things were going somewhere, so falling into bed fast wasn't the worst thing. In fact, it was pretty awesome. Others, it has been a ONS, which is why I push back, wait to make sure there's genuine interest first. If will fizzle out out pretty fast regardless of sex or not.

 

This trip sounds more than sex and you've hit it off pretty well. I agree, this could shift the dynamics a little and either one of you could ultimately decide you're not for each other, but hopefully that's not the case here.

 

He does want sex. There's no mystery there. So do you. It's just a matter of making sure you're on the same page relationship-wise and protection and all that good stuff.

[SevenCity]

The fact is, regardless if you have sex this weekend or not, the chances of a relationship working out long term are slim. Have you had one work out? Neither have I which is why we are dating in our 40s.

 

That said, putting some arbitrary number of waiting days before green lighting sex doesn’t increase your chances of success.

 

Just go with the flow and see what happens. Hopefully you’ll hit it off and can laugh about your worries of the first sex years down the line.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Not sure. I'm really not too concerned about about that part. If it leads to sex I will likely not resist.

 

I was just wondering if his invitation was a sign of a guy who doesn't want anything serious. Or, maybe he is the too-clingy type. Far as sex goes I'm not against doing that if that's where it goes. I will just be asking about his intentions before that happens.

 

Your question as to whether this is intended as a ONS or not cannot be determined by anything that you know of him, which is essentially nothing and what you've shared thus far. HE IS CERTAINLY WANTING SEX, but it appears you will comply with his primary goal. Yes, his primary goal, is sex. 'Gentlemen' don't ask someone they've met once to spend a weekend with him. Sex.

 

You asking him his intentions before hand is meaningless really. He will say what you want to hear to get you to come.

[5x5]

My husband thought our second date was going to be a one night stand. I did too

 

We were both cool with that concept... Turned out we were destined for something more.

 

Yep, my wife and I were just looking to share some fun sex together, with no other plans. Yet years later, we're still at it and sharing lots of fun.

 

I hate to do this to the guy, but if.you think you want more of a relationship, do not have sex with him on this date.

 

I agree. Even with my previous comment, its always good to make them wait a little. Give him a little bit to chase

 

Making them wait, that's funny.

 

I often got variations of "what the hell are you waiting for?", on the occasions when I waited till the 2nd or 3rd date to have sex with a woman.

 

While some women asked if I was gay, or called me gay on the occasions I turned down their offers of sex shortly after meeting them, or not long after they expressed an interest in me and offered me sex.

 

My ex-wife chased me at a party and asked me to kiss her, which led to sex within a few hours of meeting her at her initiation.

 

My third longest relationship, started with sex at the end of our second date at my initiation. I asked her out for our first date and she set up the second.

 

While my current wife of 18+ years who I have been with for 21+ years, she asked me out on our first date. I slept with her (no sex, just heavy petting) on our second date, which was a few hours after the first date. Before we had sex on our third date, at her initiation.

 

In my experience sorting out sex early can save some time, when trying to avoid investing in someone emotionally when they're not sexually compatible.

[5x5]

LilySun you're both adults, so if you both want to have sex do exactly that.

[Gaeta]

However at a time in my life when it seemed I could have any guy I wanted... Then yes, I probably would have been against this and had no understanding about it. But things are much different in your 40's vs. 20s or even 30s.

 

You are kidding yourself a little here. My good friend is 50 years old, the very same happened to her, she met a man once and he invited her to spend the weekend at his friend cottage. She was thrilled and imagined it was because he liked her for more than a ons. She went, had a good time, after they were back he gave her a slow fade, actually it was not a slow fade it was a fast fade, he started ignoring her calls the moment they got back. She was extremely disappointed and because she had many disappointments before that weekend this kind of made her lose faith in finding someone serious.

 

A man that wants more than a ons with you will not take the risk of inviting you for a weekend and come across as a player. He will take his time and date you properly. He will also wait for YOU to make that first home invitation. When I was dating nothing good ever came out of a man inviting me over first. A man that respects a woman pace and boundaries will wait for her to signal it's time for a home date.

[Gaeta]

The fact is, regardless if you have sex this weekend or not, the chances of a relationship working out long term are slim. Have you had one work out? Neither have I which is why we are dating in our 40s.

 

That said, putting some arbitrary number of waiting days before green lighting sex doesn’t increase your chances of success.

 

Just go with the flow and see what happens. Hopefully you’ll hit it off and can laugh about your worries of the first sex years down the line.

 

I have nothing against having sex early but I do have reservation in spending an entire weekend with a stranger. It's too much information on each other too soon and it can kill the attraction. It's like chocolate, I love it but if I have a whole box the same day I buy it, the 10th piece of chocolate looks pretty disgusting = too much too fast will do that.

[5x5]

I have nothing against having sex early but I do have reservation in spending an entire weekend with a stranger.

 

Yep, I concur.

 

I think it works better if all parties have an easier out from being together at any time. Which feels harder to do and may also be physically more difficult, when you're both invested in being away together.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Sometimes we forget the obvious...safety.

 

Yes, these are two adults and they should be able to make their own, informed and free, decisions regarding what and what doesn't happen in a relationship and when, but the OP does not know this man. A single meet does not seal, or shouldn't, one's perception of a person and his/her character. There is so much that can go right, but there is certainly a chance that it can go wrong.

[Gaeta]

Yep, I concur.

 

I think it works better if all parties have an easier out from being together at any time. Which feels harder to do and may also be physically more difficult, when you're both invested in being away together.

 

Absolutely! What if he turns out being an @ss, disrespectful, aggressive. He is a stranger ! I had *good feelings* about men in the past and that feeling turned out to be majorly wrong!

[Gaeta]

 

And again not at all worried about him being a weirdo... He has a teenage daughter that he is pretty close with and protective about. That is usually a strong sign of a good man.

 

 

At 40 something you should know better than this. You met this man once, you know nothing of him, he's a complete stranger. What you know of him is what he told you. If you want to have sex invite him over, have sex, and kick him out after. Since when having children is a sign of integrity and stability? The biggest criminals love their children, serial killers have been regular guys that took good care of their wife and children.

 

A good man with a good head on his shoulder would know it's risky for a woman to go away for an entire weekend with a stranger and for this reason it would not cross his mind to ask. This man asked you because it's his MO. Don't kid yourself, he asked other women before too.

 

Another thing, plenty of men only want sex but don't like the ONS it's too impersonal so they take you out on a couple of dates first OR they invite you on a get away weekend like this guy. They just have a different MO but the end result is the same.

Edited December 21, 2017 by Gaeta

[LilySun]

Again, he did not ask me to spend the whole weekend with him. It's only 1 night. We will be back early the next day because it's the day before Xmas eve.

[Gaeta]

Again, he did not ask me to spend the whole weekend with him. It's only 1 night. We will be back early the next day because it's the day before Xmas eve.

 

Have fun and update us. The proof is in the pudding.

[Maggie4]

It makes a difference whether you met online. If you already know this person and he asked you out, or you him, you already know a little about each other. That's not the same as a first date off line from a dating site.

[Zahara]

It's a little naive on your part to correlate how he treats his daughter to how he views relationships/dating. Completely different scenarios. I'm in my late 40s and have dated guys who were great fathers but awful men as partners.

 

You've "known" this man based on one date. Most times people only show themselves for who they really are much later into the relationship. Don't fall and get blinded by words and the initial rush. People are usually on their best behavior in the beginning. Don't get caught up by first impressions, especially after only one date.

 

If you choose to go, go in with little expectations with only fun in mind. I'd caution you not to go away with him only because he's a stranger and it's dangerous as a similar situation happened to my girlfriend and it was a very bad/painful mistake on her part.

 

Be safe. Make sure a friend or family member is aware of your location.

[RecentChange]

Gah...

 

I say go and hump all night and have a fantastic time and no big deal if you don't hear from him again.

 

Honestly, what is so terrible about that? If you are okay with causal sex I say no harm no foul.

 

I understand that might not work for women who put a heavy emotional tie to sex.... Or if you let your imagination run away to forever after land after the first time you have sex... The yes not wise.

 

He called in sick to work the next day and stayed at my place.. safe to say it was amazing.

'

 

Ha! Same! We we're still going at it long after the sun came up. Honestly I think it is that fiery chemistry that keeps us going strong 16 years later.

 

I still say, if you to are compatible and "meant to be" early sex isn't going to ruin anything.

[Gaeta]

 

I still say, if you to are compatible and "meant to be" early sex isn't going to ruin anything.

 

It's not about the sex.

 

It's about isolating herself, in a place she never went, with a man she doesn't know at all. Having a ONS at home is different, you can call for help, you know your neighbors, you have phone services, you can yell and it will alarm someone. OP is heading in an isolated place she doesn't even know the address, they're may be no phone service there, she may be isolated in a place with miles to the next neighbor. On top of that she won't even have her own vehicle to get out of there because I assume he will drive her. She is putting her entire security in the hands of a man she met once.

[BaileyB]

I would never agree to this.

 

It's only been one date, you don't know this man...

And, he's asked you to go away to a cabin where you will be isolated, alone, and not have your own car if you have to leave... not exactly the safest decision.

 

I would be more focused on spending Christmas with friends and family than going off with a man I didn't know for a night of sex in the wilderness... But, that's just me.

[Jdoublenn]

 

In my experience sorting out sex early can save some time, when trying to avoid investing in someone emotionally when they're not sexually compatible.

 

Yes! Thats exactly why i had sex on my third date. I was so eager to find out! lol

[LilySun]

I would never agree to this.

 

It's only been one date, you don't know this man...

And, he's asked you to go away to a cabin where you will be isolated, alone, and not have your own car if you have to leave... not exactly the safest decision.

 

I would be more focused on spending Christmas with friends and family than going off with a man I didn't know for a night of sex in the wilderness... But, that's just me.

 

I actually know exactly where the place is. It isn't so isolated that I wouldn't have phone service or anything like that.

 

Far as Xmas I won't be seeing family until Xmas day and we will be returning 2 days before that. I'm not blowing off anyone with these plans, and neither is he.

 

As for ONS, he has his own house. Why not just invite me there if that's all he wanted? We are going somewhere that has more to do than just lay in bed. We will be cooking dinner and having a bonfire... In his words anyway. He works at this place and also owns it. So he's already there pretty often. So I doubt he thinks of it as something strange to invite someone there.

[BaileyB]

I actually know exactly where the place is. It isn't so isolated that I wouldn't have phone service or anything like that.

 

Far as Xmas I won't be seeing family until Xmas day and we will be returning 2 days before that. I'm not blowing off anyone with these plans, and neither is he.

 

As for ONS, he has his own house. Why not just invite me there if that's all he wanted? We are going somewhere that has more to do than just lay in bed. We will be cooking dinner and having a bonfire... In his words anyway. He works at this place and also owns it. So he's already there pretty often. So I doubt he thinks of it as something strange to invite someone there.

 

Well, it's clear what you intend to do. You've decided that he is a trustworthy guy after spending a few hours together and you believe that the invitation means more than casual sex... I hope you are right. Nothing about this is typical second date stuff and I would hate for you to realize too late that you place your trust unwisely.

 

Stay safe - be sure to tell a friend exactly where you are going.

[elaine567]

This is madness really.

If you want a night of fun go to a hotel.

 

I agree with Gaeta this is not exercising safe practice and you at 40 cannot even blame the impetuosity of youth for it.