kangaroo Posted December 20, 2017 Posted December 20, 2017 Long story short (all detailed in my other threads), seen this guy 9 times now, we get on very well, said he wasn't ready for a relationship (depression/anxiety issues and he feels he wrecks his relationships and likes his own space - as do i) so we decided to continue as we get on great, and "hang out" which includes kissing/sex but we don't have sex every time we meet. Ive felt he was being distant, so I took a step back too.. yesterday he was all over it after me taking a step back.. met up last night and he's now invited me to a different country when he goes there for a week's work in February... and also invited me to go to his place of work tomorrow night (brewery) while he is working to taste some beers. He obviously knows everyone there and his friends go there. I was a bit taken aback that he suggested those two things when we have taken a step back. What's going on?
xaviercross Posted December 21, 2017 Posted December 21, 2017 That is quite the backflip. Meeting the friends is a bit of a serious move. Maybe talk to him about it and get some clarity, since he's not sticking to what you had agreed. Also think about what YOU want. Do you want a relationship? He still doesn't? That won't change...
Author kangaroo Posted December 21, 2017 Author Posted December 21, 2017 That is quite the backflip. Meeting the friends is a bit of a serious move. Maybe talk to him about it and get some clarity, since he's not sticking to what you had agreed. Also think about what YOU want. Do you want a relationship? He still doesn't? That won't change... Yeah I think he just saw it as me coming to try some beers. Not sure he meant meeting friends tbh. And Canada, I actually asked him if he was sure that’s what he wanted, he said yes. My stance hasn’t changed, still just want to enjoy the good times we have, that’s all. I just found his 2 invitations confusing although I guess they can still be taken as enjoying the times we have?
xaviercross Posted December 21, 2017 Posted December 21, 2017 Yeah but what he's asking is including you in his life so sounds like he likes you in it. It all sounds pretty fun really! And if you're not too phased about putting a label on it, enjoy it until it's not fun anymore... 1
Gaeta Posted December 21, 2017 Posted December 21, 2017 Don't put any meaning into it. That's what people do when they're not ready for relationships and are playing on the dating scene. Right now he feels like visiting Canada with you and in 2 weeks he'll disappear from the radar for a few days letting you wonder what the heck. Bundle up, it's like -20 up here right now. 3
Calmandfocused Posted December 21, 2017 Posted December 21, 2017 Commitment Phobia my friend. Looks like the classsic push pull cycle awakening. He chases, you reciprocate, he pulls back, you step back, the cycle repeats. Meanwhile he gets the perks of being with you when he wishes to without the effort of a proper relationship. When you get hurt he can then say "well I did tell you I wasn't ready for a relationship ..." ... uh huh. Not a fun game to play and why should you? 3
Author kangaroo Posted December 21, 2017 Author Posted December 21, 2017 Oh well, I guess I should just forget the whole thing then
mortensorchid Posted December 21, 2017 Posted December 21, 2017 He is a commitment phobe. You're in a bit of a state of denial thinking that he will come around, but trust me, he won't. He'll come up with a reason or an excuse as to how and why it can't happen. But he won't have those reasons or excuses for someone else, chances are the next person who comes down the pike. It would be best to move on now while you still have time and aren't investing more into it.
Steve51 Posted December 22, 2017 Posted December 22, 2017 Simple. He feels more comfortable with you so that his anxiety does not act up. I have been taking Xanax for anxiety since it first came out in 1980. It takes me awhile to get comfortable being intimate with a woman which was not a problem in my teen years for some reason. I think the difference is that the stakes are higher now as an adult. If you are wishing for a loving relationship then don't worry, be happy. If not, then you have a problem and it is you.
Jdoublenn Posted December 22, 2017 Posted December 22, 2017 Oh well, I guess I should just forget the whole thing then Because some strangers on the internet said so? Don't be ridiculous. If you like this guy and want to keep seeing him, have fun on the trip. If you feel like you'll like him too much if he starts coming around more, have a chat with him and ask what he's thinking now (if anythings changed). Or if you think he's falling for you and you're not into it, have a conversation about slowing things down. Its your life, and no one knows the guy except you. No one knows his motives except him(and sometimes thats iffy LOL). So if you're comfortable, roll with it and enjoy! Don't freak out or give up everything bc of advice on an internet forum. Live your life!
Author kangaroo Posted December 22, 2017 Author Posted December 22, 2017 Because some strangers on the internet said so? Don't be ridiculous. If you like this guy and want to keep seeing him, have fun on the trip. If you feel like you'll like him too much if he starts coming around more, have a chat with him and ask what he's thinking now (if anythings changed). Or if you think he's falling for you and you're not into it, have a conversation about slowing things down. Its your life, and no one knows the guy except you. No one knows his motives except him(and sometimes thats iffy LOL). So if you're comfortable, roll with it and enjoy! Don't freak out or give up everything bc of advice on an internet forum. Live your life! My reply was being sarcastic. I wouldn’t make a decision based on the internet. I went to the brewery last night, he wouldn’t let me pay. I met a couple of his friends, then spent some time at his house for the first time. I had made him a happy jar to help with his anxiety/depression, which I left on his doorstep cos I forgot about it lol. Seems it was taken in the right spirit. All seems good. For now
Author kangaroo Posted December 22, 2017 Author Posted December 22, 2017 It does make it more difficult for me when he's started inviting me into little areas of his life though. (but I am still very clear he is not ready for a relationship etc). Neither of us want to give up the great times we have either.
Calmandfocused Posted December 22, 2017 Posted December 22, 2017 its good that you're happy for now, but be aware that this could change very rapidly when he's in his pull back phase. There are certain "rules" to play by in the commitment phobe cycle: 1) it will all be about him. What he wants, what he feels, what he's experienced etc. 2) don't expect the relationship to progress. Think dog chasing its tail and round and round it goes. 3) believe nothing that he says to you. He won't purposely lie to you but his fear will take precedence so he'll mess you around even though that may not be his intention. 4) He probably does really like you but the fear will be the stronger emotion which will take you on a rollercoaster ride. 5) these people only change when their behaviour hurts them, not when they're hurting others. If you can take it for what is it, have 0 expectations and can protect your heart then there is no reason why you can't have some fun. Good luck.
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