newbby Posted August 22, 2005 Posted August 22, 2005 i just thought it might be helpful for some ow to hear similar lines that their mm fed them. lines that were later discovered to be untrue.
L4L Posted August 22, 2005 Posted August 22, 2005 "baby, you make me feel like noone else ever has" "my wife just doesn't know me like you do" "my wife doesn't like sex" (how did he get all those kids? and now that he is running around cheating she is trying to raise them by herself, she is right in not wanting sex with him, he is cheating) " I am going to divorce her as soon as ______." " I filed for separation we are just living in the same house, different bedrooms though" "she trapped me by having more kids" " she doesn't turn me on anymore" (as her tummy is growing right now from yet another pregnancy!) "she isn't interested in anything, especially not head" "I need you" (just like he will need the next one and needed the last one)
brubaker2004 Posted August 22, 2005 Posted August 22, 2005 i am leaving her soon. i never loved her the way i love you. she and i don't even sleep in the same bed any longer. just wait a little while longer, don't leave me now when i need you most....
Author newbby Posted August 22, 2005 Author Posted August 22, 2005 i have a non existent sex life with her we never even speak to each other we have agreed to live togetherbut with seperate lives i hope when i get back, she has left me
LucreziaBorgia Posted August 22, 2005 Posted August 22, 2005 The sad thing about the lines of the TRUE cakeman/woman, is that at the time he/she says them he/she actually means them at the time (I'm not talking about blatant untruths like "I haven't slept with my W in years" or "I'll leave by your deadline" or "one day we will be married", but more of the emotional grey area type stuff like "You make me feel alive in ways I thought I had forgotten to feel"). Unfortunately, after a time it becomes apparent that it wasn't necessarily that they weren't true, they were just no longer applicable in that situation. Sometimes a man is called a cakeman, just because he made a painful choice and chose his family over his OW. In the case of a true cakeman/cakewoman - there never was a choice to be made. He/She never intended to leave his W in the first place. Here are a few - followed by my interpretation (using my own personal past cakewoman experiences, of course): "My life is empty and meaningless without you" I am, of course only referring to the OW/OM part of my life. If the OW/OM spot is vacant, I feel empty - but that emptiness (or lack of it if the OM/OW spot is filled) has no effect on how I feel about my W/H and kids. "I can't imagine my life without you in it" I can't imagine a time where you leave my OW/OM spot vacant. I can't imagine a life without my H/W, either. "The love I have for you is different than the love I have for my W/H" And it always will be. As long as you know your place as OW/OM, and stay within those needs I have for you I will stay with you. "You make me feel alive for the first time in years." Finally, I have my OW/OM spot happily filled. When my OW/OM spot is vacant, that part of my heart feels cold and dead. When it is filled, it feels alive and happy. This has nothing to do with the part of my heart reserved for my W/H. "My W/H doesn't understand me like you do" You accept me as a person, flaws and all. It is nice to have someone on the side who allows me to be what I am, but it will not change the fact that I need my W/H despite having to hide this from them. "This is so wonderful, I don't ever want it to change" In other words, don't do anything to try to move into places in my heart where you are not invited. If you disrupt my home life and marriage in any way things will change and I will have to leave you. "I can't remember a time where I felt such passion" At least in terms of the part of my heart that I reserve for OW/OM. I won't give up my marriage or home life for it, though, because the part of my heart I reserve for them is full and fulfilling, only in different ways. "I feel emotionally dead toward my W/H" Only in terms of my OW/OM spot in my heart. My W/H will never be a part of that, so I reserve that for an OW/OM. The part of my heart that is devoted to H/W and the life we have built together is fully devoted. "You make me happier than I have ever been" You are the best of any other OW/OM I have had. My happiness with you is mutually exclusive of that happiness I have with W/H. I'm sure I'll think of more...
Author newbby Posted August 22, 2005 Author Posted August 22, 2005 interesting lb, but what do you think of the other lines such as we have stated here. lines like, my wife and i no longer sleep together?,we have agreed to live seperate lives?
LucreziaBorgia Posted August 22, 2005 Posted August 22, 2005 It depends. Sometimes it is true, and sometimes it is not true. Sometimes people will lie about things like that if it increases the chances that an OW or OM will sleep with them and stick around. Sometimes it can be true, and the person will either manipulate the situation to make it look like they are upset about it (when really they aren't - to them its a free ticket to find an OW/OM). Sometimes it is the sad truth, and the person really is upset and sad about having lost a level of intimacy with a spouse. Unfortunately, there is no way to find out the truth of the matter - so whatever you believe will become your truth. It makes it all the more difficult when the actual truth comes out at a later time. I guess you just have to be careful what you choose to believe in a situation like this.
alphamale Posted August 22, 2005 Posted August 22, 2005 what does cakeman or cakewoman mean? are these bakers that specialize in cakes? wtf!
LucreziaBorgia Posted August 22, 2005 Posted August 22, 2005 I don't think I can link, but if you do a Google search on 'cakeman' you'll see an article at the top of the Google hits which explains it.
Author newbby Posted August 22, 2005 Author Posted August 22, 2005 i'm still a little confused about this. my mm did blatantly lie to me about his sex life, he later admitted the truth, which i was quite shocked about, probably i was gullible, but he had said it enough times without needing to ( i never asked him ). so this was manipulation to keep me around, as were other things he said. after the end of the affair, i decided that he must have been a cakeman, as he had wanted me to stay around, knowing that he was happy with his wife and was having a fulfilling sex life with her. does this mean that he was not a cakeman, or is a cakeman also capable of calculated manipulation like this?
alphamale Posted August 22, 2005 Posted August 22, 2005 Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia I don't think I can link, but if you do a Google search on 'cakeman' you'll see an article at the top of the Google hits which explains it. ahh yes.... I see now, interesting terminology: Cakemen are men who want to have their cake and eat it too. These men do not leave their wives. These men stay with their wives and date someone else at the same time.
mopar crazy Posted August 22, 2005 Posted August 22, 2005 Originally posted by alphamale what does cakeman or cakewoman mean? are these bakers that specialize in cakes? wtf! LOL! If you didn't do a search on it yet...cakeman/woman is a person who wants both worlds. They want the OP but they want their H/W too. My H was a cakeman during his A. He wanted the relationship (emotional and physical) w/ the exOW but he also wanted a relationship w/ me. Even though he filed for a D and we seperated and his A continued w/ the exOW he was still coming over to our home to see me (and our children). Of course at the time I was in denial of the A and thought if I slept w/ him and gave him what he wanted in bed he would realize what he was missing and come back. Boy, was I stupid! Of course he found this great. He was getting sex from two different women, me and the exOW. This is what I think a cakeman/woman is.
LucreziaBorgia Posted August 22, 2005 Posted August 22, 2005 is a cakeman also capable of calculated manipulation like this? It depends on if he needs to be in a given situation. If it makes it easier for him to get what he wants, and if he knows that being truthful will not likely get him what he wants, he will manipulate things to his advantage by either lying or distorting the truth.
justcallmesnug Posted August 22, 2005 Posted August 22, 2005 Isn't this already a thread under Things MMs and Mws say that make you go hmmmmmm?
Author newbby Posted August 22, 2005 Author Posted August 22, 2005 no, i thought the thread that you started was about things they said that made the penny drop. this one is about the common lines they will use. i think it is helpful, as before i found this site, i did not believe that a married man with children, could lie so extensively as this, and i found myself believing what he said. i did not realise the same lines were used by practically every mm. if i misinterpreted what your thread was about, i apologise.
Author newbby Posted August 22, 2005 Author Posted August 22, 2005 for other people, mainly ww. people who are still trapped in the deceit. ok?
quankanne Posted August 22, 2005 Posted August 22, 2005 the book "Animal Husbandry," which the Greg Kinnear-Ashley Judd-Hugh Jackman movie "Someone Like You" is based on, has got it right when it comes to the reason why someone in a committed relationship strays, IMHO: old cow-new cow syndrome. Once a bull mates with a cow, he doesn't want her anymore, no matter what she "does" to make herself appealing. I think for some men and women, the same holds true. They can remain in a relationship with "old cow" but it doesn't stop them from looking for "new cow," someone more exciting or understanding. In fact, there's a great fantasy sequence in the movie in which Judd's character has a conversation with Kinnear's, and he tells her something to the effect that "my cow doesn't understand me ... you're such a wonderful listener." Basically, sucking in his intended victim by making himself pitiable enough to where she wants to rescue him.
Author newbby Posted August 22, 2005 Author Posted August 22, 2005 thanks quankanne, i agree. they use many forms of manipulation.
justcallmesnug Posted August 22, 2005 Posted August 22, 2005 Originally posted by newbby no, i thought the thread that you started was about things they said that made the penny drop. this one is about the common lines they will use. i think it is helpful, as before i found this site, i did not believe that a married man with children, could lie so extensively as this, and i found myself believing what he said. i did not realise the same lines were used by practically every mm. if i misinterpreted what your thread was about, i apologise. No problem, Newbby. I was just confuses myself as to what the difference was between the threads. At any rate, people are posting interesting things in both forums. I am glad I found this place to post. I don't know about the rest of the posters, but my friends do not want to hear anymore from me about this man. They are very angry that I am still giving him the time of day. Snug
HokeyReligions Posted August 22, 2005 Posted August 22, 2005 Line's I've heard: What wife? She's history. I was pressured into marrying her - I never loved her. I never loved anyone until you. You taught me what love is. My personal favorite was from a guy I went out with - spent the day in Galveston. Had a nice time. Came back to Houston and he tried to get me into bed and I said no, not on a first date and asked him to take me home. It ended on an OK note - I wasn't expecting to hear from him again, but I wasn't expecting not to either, 'ya know? He calls the next day and tries to explain to me about his fiancee in another state (named Joy no less! Oh, the jokes that came to my mind ) who he cared about but she was emotionally not able to have sex because she has some traumatic issues in her past; and he was lonly and liked me and it wasn't a 'real' commitment he had with her ....blah blah blah. I wished him well, said thanks for the date yesterday and asked him not to call me again. Thankfully I never fell for any of them. The one time I came really close to having an affair it was with someone who knew about me and my husband, was a co-worker and friend and had some misgivings too but we really clicked. We never did anything (well, he patted my butt once when walking through a file room and I was at the copier) and we talked about it seriously and I thought about it and I was very, very tempted because at that time it had been several years since hubby and I had sex and ultimately I quit the job because of the situation and I thought I needed to be away from him on a day-to-day basis and focus on my marriage. Sadly, it was one of the best jobs I'd ever had and I know without a doubt that if I had not left I'd still be employed there today and I might have fallen to the temptation -- I was soooo close to giving in and it hurt in a way to Not give in--I wanted that physical attention so badly at the time and my husband had already told me that he wouldn't blame me if I did have an affair and that he just didn't want to know about it---basically giving me the go-ahead.
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