Wookin Pa Nub Posted December 20, 2017 Posted December 20, 2017 This is a bit complicated and maybe I am being a bit too sensitive/selfish. Backstory, I reconnected with college gf and she has finalized her divorce and mine is progressing. I am 46 she is 44. Both have teenagers. We are informally engaged, she asked me. We live in different cities, 2 hours apart. During the last number of months she complained a lot how she was alone in her marriage. She said last new years eve (NYE) was final straw as her H went out to get drunk and she was alone with 2 kids. We talked a lot about doing something special, really just being together this NYE. She brought it up countless times. She had a few friends over the other night. She texted "we are making plans about NYE, going to high end steak house" ..."Are we going to be able to be together" I said I hope so. My custody schedule with kids is still in flux and just figured out I will have kids on NYE. I asked if she could come to me bc my kids will likely go to a friend house or us and kids all do something. Complicating this we are planning the first introduction of her to my kids in a couple days. They know of her and her name but haven't met. I would ask my kids if they are comfortable with her being at my apartment on NYE and she would sleep on couch. She responded that she already made plans with her friends and was hoping I could come along but since I can't, she will go alone. It was a little bit of a shock bc she has talked many times about being with me on NYE. My biggest hang up is she made plans with others without seeing what my plans were. If it won't work out on my end that she can't come, I have no problem with her going out and having fun. It just seems that if there's a way for us to be together she should do her best to make it happen.
d0nnivain Posted December 20, 2017 Posted December 20, 2017 It depends. Is one of these friends the chick your GF was supposed to go to Italy with so the friend could cheat on her husband? that would be a problem. I think your best strategy would be a face to face discussion where you tell her what you told us. In light of her complaints about being abandoned on NYE, you are hurt that she would abandon you. Ask if she can craft a solution. See what she does. If the kids had met I was going to ask if they had one of those indoor water park / family friendly hotels near you so that you could get two rooms, each sharing with your bio kids but still be together. See https://www.greatwolf.com/
RecentChange Posted December 20, 2017 Posted December 20, 2017 You two are ENGAGED and she hasn't even met your kids yet?!?!? REALLY? You don't think that this is perhaps rushed? That you two are in limerence, that you both just exited long, marriages, and are probably rebounding? Sounds to me she is valuing her new found freedom, and would rather have night out as a single adult then stay home with you and play step mom. I have a feeling your children know that she was the catalyst that ended the marriage with their mother - don't be surprised if they are less than thrilled to have your new woman around. As for being overly sensitive - this situation is going to require a million and one compromises. It was born out of a less than ideal situation, and its not going to be smooth sailing. Again, ENGAGED? You haven't even lived together let along tried the uphill battle of merging recently broken families (hint, everyone, kids included are going to need a lot of time to heal from this). 2
clia Posted December 20, 2017 Posted December 20, 2017 During the last number of months she complained a lot how she was alone in her marriage. She said last new years eve (NYE) was final straw as her H went out to get drunk and she was alone with 2 kids. We talked a lot about doing something special, really just being together this NYE. She brought it up countless times. I'm not really seeing how doing something with your kids (who she's never even met yet) and her having to sleep on the couch at your apartment is doing something special for NYE. I honestly really can't blame her for wanting to go with her friends to a steakhouse instead. 4
Author Wookin Pa Nub Posted December 20, 2017 Author Posted December 20, 2017 It depends. Is one of these friends the chick your GF was supposed to go to Italy with so the friend could cheat on her husband? that would be a problem. Not the Italy girl but I know she told me a couple had affairs. I was shocked bc on the surface these ladies are wholesome soccer mom types. They have apparently told her to be careful about jumping in too deep with me bc of my divorce situation, her rebounding too quickly, etc. She says she doesn't care what they think and she loves me. I do worry about them eventually influencing her. It happened with her friends in college IMO and eventually led to our break up.
Author Wookin Pa Nub Posted December 20, 2017 Author Posted December 20, 2017 You two are ENGAGED and she hasn't even met your kids yet?!?!? REALLY? Yes, she asked me. It's informal. No rings. Nobody knows.
Author Wookin Pa Nub Posted December 20, 2017 Author Posted December 20, 2017 I'm not really seeing how doing something with your kids (who she's never even met yet) and her having to sleep on the couch at your apartment is doing something special for NYE. I honestly really can't blame her for wanting to go with her friends to a steakhouse instead. Good point that it is not special but she is dying to get to know my kids. But being together is better than not being together right?
BaileyB Posted December 20, 2017 Posted December 20, 2017 (edited) First things first, last NYE she spent the holiday (not) with her HUSBAND. You have moved incredibly fast with this relationship. Don't you think, that your kids should have the opportunity to meet this woman and get to know her separate from her kids, for the first time. And, the first time they meet her... should not be an occasion when she stays over and sleeps in the couch. How awkward is that for everyone. And yes, you really should not be engaged to a woman that your children have never met. That's just not very respectful to your children. I will just say, I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 2 years. We waited six months for me to meet his son. I have been going to the house for a year and a half for dinner and to play board games. This NYE, will be the first time that I stay over while he is staying with his dad. It's a huge step, and we've spent a lot of time together over the past year and a half. You need to slow things down... Edited December 20, 2017 by BaileyB 3
Negan Posted December 20, 2017 Posted December 20, 2017 Seems like you are sensitive, upset, or controlling no matter what situation is put in front of you. 2
Author Wookin Pa Nub Posted December 20, 2017 Author Posted December 20, 2017 Bailey: They've know about her for several months. I have talked to a therapist who works with teens and have received guidance from him. The first meeting will not be a sleepover. I am going to talk to kids ahead of time and get their opinion. Chances are they will go to a friends house anyway on NYE.
BaileyB Posted December 20, 2017 Posted December 20, 2017 Bailey: They've know about her for several months. I have talked to a therapist who works with teens and have received guidance from him. The first meeting will not be a sleepover. I am going to talk to kids ahead of time and get their opinion. Chances are they will go to a friends house anyway on NYE. Glad to hear it. Sorry, I misunderstood part of your post. I would suggest that knowing "about her" is very different than "getting to know her." I would also humbly suggest that you can never go wrong taking your time to introduce a new person into your children's life and allowing time for a relationship to develop. We have not had a moment of difficulty with my boyfriend's son, and I firmly believe that is because we waited to make the introduction, we allowed time for him to get to know me in a very non-threatening way, and there has been no pressure from us to move this process along. I wish you all the best. Happy New Year.
smackie9 Posted December 20, 2017 Posted December 20, 2017 This is probably the first New Years in a long time that she could actually go out somewhere nice and celebrate with friends. She has talked/asked about it for ages and you never stepped up to the plate and planned something with her....she was tired of waiting and the opportunity came up that friends were going somewhere nice and she wanted you there. You could have prepared ahead of time knowing she wanted to do something special, or even had a backup if plan whether or not you were with the kids. They are teenagers, I'm sure they could spend a few days with their friends np. You could have not left it to the last min, and had been ready to go. So you are annoyed, but so is she, when you has plenty of time to figure it all out. The moral of the story....you weren't listening to her. New Years this year means something special to her.....she finally gets to experience freedom to go out and have a good time. 6
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