Bf dumped me but we are still "friends" and still have sex

[idkwhatishoulddo]

My (now ex) boyfriend broke up with me shortly after Thanksgiving. Said he didn’t think we were compatible long term but I still don’t really understand why that is.

 

After roughly a week of NC he reached out to me. Eventually told me he had been thinking about me a lot and he missed me. To make a long story short, I have met up with him three times since the break up. Slept with him. Not just sex though… we also went out, got drinks, watched TV on his couch while cuddling. It felt nice. But I know it’s just short term pleasure for long term pain. He still doesn’t want a long term relationship. Basically I’m giving him the benefits of a pseudo-relationship with me without any of the responsibility or commitment. I know this won’t end well for me. Because eventually he’s going to meet someone he wants to make his actual girlfriend, and I’ll be heartbroken all over again. And he’s unfortunately really damn cute – it won’t be hard for him to find someone else.

 

But I don’t know how to break the addiction I have to him. I still am at the point where I have hope he’ll realize what an idiot he was and decide he wants me back – ACTUALLY back. Since he still wants to be friends and is responsive to my texts, it’s SO HARD not to contact him. I guess today is Day 2 of NC for me, but it’s taking everything I have not to text him.

 

I don’t know the best way to approach things. I have thought about sending him a text saying sorry, I can’t be friends now, it’s too difficult, blah blah, but what would that really accomplish? Because I know, secretly, the only response to that from him which would satisfy me is him saying wait no, I want you back, I was an idiot for ever letting you go in the first place. But that won’t happen. What if he just accepts it? Or worse, doesn’t respond at all? I don’t think I’d handle that well.

 

So as of now, I just haven’t texted him for over a day, but I’m still secretly wanting him to contact me. I wonder how much he thinks about me during the day, because the amount of time I devote to thinking about him is not healthy.

 

What is the best course of action here? Just continue to not contact him? It’s going to be depressing though, if he never contacts me either.

[stockyoldfrump]

If you don't want to contact him, I'd tell him. NC could be an implied expectation after the breakup, but since you've already agreed to a bad arrangement with friendship and sex, it's probably fair to tell him if that no longer stands.

 

More importantly, telling him you don't want to interact with him will set boundaries for yourself. You will feel as though you have definitively cut him off and made a formal promise to yourself that you're obligated to keep. Trying to just ghost him is always going to allow for fallback because you haven't taken necessary steps to make the same routine unlikely or forbidden. You'll always be able to tell yourself "just this one last time" and then do it over and over and over again until the inevitable heartbreak you describe actually comes to pass.

 

I know it's hard to give up these experiences with someone you love, but this is only hurting you. Like you said, you're hanging onto a phantom. You need to walk away completely and permanently, and tell him you're doing it. And you need to not entertain any other contact from him unless he's talking about rethinking his long term prospects for the two of you.

[HumanMachine]

I disagree. Don’t tell him - just block him. If someone truly wants to be with you they will do everything possible to see you.

 

It’s going to be tough but otherwise he will continue to check in with you whenever he is bored/lonely, restarting your healing process each time.

 

Keep busy!!

[d0nnivain]

Hopefully this reality check will be the impetus you need to break the addiction:

 

 

By continuing to sleep with you after he broke up with you, you are devaluing yourself & allowing him to use you.

 

 

Stop!

 

 

 

 

This approach -- debasing yourself in the hopes of winning him back by giving him commitment free sex -- will push him farther away. He won't want somebody / something that he can get so easily.

 

 

As much as you want him back because you say you love him, he doesn't love you. If he did, he would not have broken up with you. He's not going to wake up & realize that you were the best thing that ever happened to him. He's done.

 

 

You need to do what is best for you. Right now that is staying far away from him so you can heal.

[Purepony]

Yeah as many have said go no contact for your sake and to start breaking out of this situation you are in.

 

The first step is the most difficult because it’s probably so fresh but stay busy any way you can, you are fortunate to have many opportunities to help you with that.