Hopeless81 Posted December 20, 2017 Posted December 20, 2017 I was dating a wonderful man for a month and a half. We have a ton in common, want the same things in life, and the attraction was there immediately. The first month was amazing and he was clearly smitten. He told me he was lucky to have me, that I greatly enhanced his life, that he knew we would be great together and he can't imagine his days without. Me. He was head over heels and did not hide it. Everything in the bedroom was exciting and amazing. Then one day, he was stressed about work, his kids, and said he felt full on depression hitting him. He'd lost his dad and brother recently, had hateful and awful exes, and generally has been through some awful things. I asked what I could do and he suggested how to distract him. I did theses things with no change or reaction. Then he started pulling away. I started hearing from him less often, he wasn't excited or interested in anything. A week before the break up, we talked about it and he said it wasn't me, I had done nothing, and that his mind causes stress and anxiety. He said I was important to him. That weekend he introduced me to his Mother. A couple days later, I fell sick and he pretty much said "rest up" and never checked in on me. I calmly explained that it hurt my feelings and why. He immediately became defensive and irritated, pointing the finger at me. "Well you didn't tell me you felt that bad." I let it go and he seemed fine after that. That was the first and only time I'd ever said anything upset me. The last week, he almost completely pulled away. We share the same bday and spent the evening together. He opened his gifts, made no comment or reaction, set then aside and got his kids ready for bed. I'd made sexy coupons for him and he had read through them and said nothing. That night I asked him about them and he said he was excited about using a specific few. The next night he stood me up when I was supposed to go over and stay the night. He just told me he was tired and going to bed. Nothing about me coming over as planned. I started panicking and I asked him if he'd lost interest, or was still in a funk. He just kept saying he thought I was always mad at him. I wasn't. At all. I explained this numerous times. I asked him if this is what he still wanted. Again, he thought I was always mad. I left that night with no resolution, and the next day asked him if we were going to talk, or were we breaking up. His response was: "I don't know how to get back to what it was. Two months in is way too early for something like this to be happening. Sorry. We've just been bumming each other out for what seems like weeks now. I think it's best to end it now." He then changed his relationship status on FB back to single. So cold and indifferent. Not at all the man I'd met and fallen for. I don't understand why he thought I was always mad, or how we we're bumming eachother out "for weeks." Was this depression? Or did he completely lose interest? Friends who know him well are convinced he's severely depressed and won't admit it. They say this is out of character for him and not how he behaves at all.
d0nnivain Posted December 20, 2017 Posted December 20, 2017 This was perhaps partly his depression but more a case of bad timing. With all he is dealing with, he was in no emotional shape to start a new relationship. He may have liked the immediate boost from the tingles a new relationship brings but as soon as he remembered how much time & work relationships take he put his priorities in another order, leaving you out in the cold. Be happy you only wasted 6 weeks but let him go.
Author Hopeless81 Posted December 20, 2017 Author Posted December 20, 2017 He's been single for about a year. He said he went on a couple dates, but it never went further than a first date with someone. We met through a mutual friend and talked for a few days, then went on a date. He was a nervous wreck, but a couple days later said he knew right away after our date that he wanted to delete his dating profiles and commit to a relationship exclusively with me. May have been bad timing, but if he isn't emotionally ready, he shouldn't have started anything. This is the third guy this year to pull this ****. I had faith in this one, and my friends and even a friend who's dated him, all spoke highly of his character and what a great man he is. This...this man who broke up with me, was not a great man.
basil67 Posted December 20, 2017 Posted December 20, 2017 Hopeless81, the thing that stood out for me are his hateful and awful exes. Look, we're all allowed one or two of these, but to have enough of them that it becomes significant in our lives points to him being the constant here. Always be VERY wary of those who have a string of supposedly terrible exes. 1
SpecialJ Posted December 21, 2017 Posted December 21, 2017 Also wanted to throw out there that this matches the pattern of narcissists (and has happened to me). Some red flags: 1. Pushing you to commit immediately 2. Being really engaged and possibly love bombing you, reaching out all the time and quickly having great sex 3. Self-reported has awful exes and is always the victim 4. Sudden loss of interest: idealization, devalue, discard 5. Problems accepting criticism 6. Projecting (you're always mad at me) It wasn't necessarily this, and could have been depression/bad timing, but it sounds like you dodged a bullet either way. He isn't together and doesn't have the capacity to care for a romantic partner right now.
Author Hopeless81 Posted December 21, 2017 Author Posted December 21, 2017 Also wanted to throw out there that this matches the pattern of narcissists (and has happened to me). Some red flags: 1. Pushing you to commit immediately 2. Being really engaged and possibly love bombing you, reaching out all the time and quickly having great sex 3. Self-reported has awful exes and is always the victim 4. Sudden loss of interest: idealization, devalue, discard 5. Problems accepting criticism 6. Projecting (you're always mad at me) It wasn't necessarily this, and could have been depression/bad timing, but it sounds like you dodged a bullet either way. He isn't together and doesn't have the capacity to care for a romantic partner right now. Holy cow. That's eerily exactly how things progressed here I wouldn't say he "pushed" me to commit. I was ready for it, but I'm emotionally ready for a romantic relationship. I guess narcissists are incapable of caring for anyone. And I keep finding them. Always different scenerios/breakups, but always the same pattern. This was a bit different than I'd come across, and maybe I was blind to it, but I truly thought this felt real and different. Sigh. I guess I was sucked in, tricked, and thrown away like trash. I see now where things happened that were all about him. And none about me, or for me. All I wanted was for him to ask about me when I was sick and he never apologized, or saw what I was saying. Just blamed me for something. His depression/anxiety is well known by friends, so I know that wasn't made up. Either way, he hurt me severely.
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