Mystyry Posted December 20, 2017 Posted December 20, 2017 My boyfriend and I have been taking some time apart due to significant lifestyle differences and trust issues in our relationship. I have struggled with it very much, and it has been a very difficult trigger for me to pull. I asked for some space to think things over and see if changes he was making in his life would stick. He hasn’t really given me space, and has been calling, texting, coming over, expressing his desire to work this out. More recently he told me that he thought he made the needed changes in his life and now it’s up to me to reach out when I am ready to resume our relationship. I am not ready, because honestly the changes he made are not enough...for me. I cannot accept him the way he is (alcohol and substance abuse issues, recently disclosed past violent behavior, no drive/desire to hold down a job), and I neither want to spend my life trying to change someone, nor believe in people changing for anyone but themselves. I have told him that from the very beginning, and he claimed he wanted to change those things for himself. I now, though, have evidence that he doesn’t really. Now on to my dilemma. I want to break up definitively and not drag this on. It’s so so painful already, and it has been magnified by constant staying in touch, asking me to believe in us, open my mind, understand that these things could be worked through. I think it is going to be the same if I have the breakup conversation and it will drag for days. I feel like I am so heartbroken I can’t do this anymore. I also think he doesn’t understand my side here at all, no matter what I say, he thinks it’s easy and I just need to lean into it. My friend suggested I write him a snail mail letter, so there is no back and forth, and it’s done. Does anyone have experience with it? What do you think about this in general? On one hand it sounds like a good idea, because I don’t think I can take another rehashing of our feelings and relationship. On the other, it seems cold and impersonal, and that the man I (still) love deserves better. We discussed it all though in detail. I just cannot do this destructive addiction cycle any more... Thanks for any insight.
d0nnivain Posted December 20, 2017 Posted December 20, 2017 The break up letter won't work. It's a bad idea. You have to meet him face to face in a neutral safe location, look him in the eyes, & tell him you made your decision to finalize the break up. Keep is simple & quick. When you get home block him everywhere. Then stand your ground. If you need to write something out before hand to organize your thoughts fine, do that but do not give him a break up letter. Even if you tried to write one it will be meandering, too emotional & give him false home. Just tell him & get it over with. 4
basil67 Posted December 20, 2017 Posted December 20, 2017 As usual, D0nnivain nailed it. You need to break up with him once and for all. Do it in person and then leave. You have the power to prevent this discussion from being strung on for days. Blocking him is a very good option...unless he turns up at your door. If this is the case, do not engage in further conversation on the topic. Simply tell him that your mind is made up and you do not wish to discuss it further. Rinse and Repeat. Call the police if he won't leave you alone. 3
Author Mystyry Posted December 21, 2017 Author Posted December 21, 2017 Thanks, d0nnivain and basil. I tend to agree with you and this was my first thought as well. However I heard so much conflicting advice about ending this via letters, calls, etc. that I felt like maybe I might be misinterpreting or missing something. I think you are right and I know what I need to do now. I appreciate your feedback very much.
d0nnivain Posted December 21, 2017 Posted December 21, 2017 Part of imparting your message & making him "get it" has to do with the confidence you exhibit when you deliver it. 1
jjgitties Posted December 21, 2017 Posted December 21, 2017 Don't write a letter. Do it face to face. 1
Jdoublenn Posted December 21, 2017 Posted December 21, 2017 In person for sure. When I last left X I left him a letter, packed my things while he was at work, and took off across the country, back home. I originally blocked him on everything so I never got his pleading texts until I gave in and unblocked LOL then he sent me what he had sent before since it would've never come through. Do I have experience writing a break up letter? Yes. Did it work? Nope. He knew I was going to leave, he just assumed in the space of a day he could talk me into staying.. So in that moment while he was gone I decided to disappear. We had done the back and forth and BS goodbyes twice already and I was tired of it. Long story short, I tried the letter; the easy way out. Didn't work because it didn't really feel final although I wished I had been.. Do it face to face. Thats the only way it will be final and fair. Good luck. 1
Author Mystyry Posted December 21, 2017 Author Posted December 21, 2017 Long story short, I tried the letter; the easy way out. Didn't work because it didn't really feel final although I wished I had been.. Do it face to face. Thats the only way it will be final and fair. Good luck. Thank you for sharing that. This is my fear as well - it would be what seems like an easy way out, but it is not a fair or a final one. I do need to do it face-to-face. 1
Author Mystyry Posted December 21, 2017 Author Posted December 21, 2017 Part of imparting your message & making him "get it" has to do with the confidence you exhibit when you deliver it. That is the hard part as well. This has been a very difficult relationship for me to end. It is difficult not to be emotional delivering this message and I worry this is going to be another mixed message for him, thinking I will change my mind. I just need to prepare for it and organize thoughts in advance, as you suggested.
Maggie4 Posted December 21, 2017 Posted December 21, 2017 You said you might change your mind? If you reveal how you really feel through your demeanor, then he knows he has a chance and he'll keep trying.
Author Mystyry Posted December 21, 2017 Author Posted December 21, 2017 You said you might change your mind? If you reveal how you really feel through your demeanor, then he knows he has a chance and he'll keep trying. No, I guess I wasn’t clear in that sentence. I will not change my mind, but I don’t think I can stay as emotionless and firm, as I need to. This may do exactly what you mention and give him hope to keep trying. I guess I need to think through how and what exactly to say.
d0nnivain Posted December 21, 2017 Posted December 21, 2017 You don't' have to stay emotionless. A BU is an emotional thing on both sides. You do have to stand firm. Best wishes. 3
Author Mystyry Posted December 24, 2017 Author Posted December 24, 2017 We did speak and it was a terrible heartbreaking evening. I was firm, though it was so incredibly difficult. He pleaded with me not to do it, it was awful. And now, a few days later, I am doing terrible. I am hurting, and twice as much from the knowledge that I hurt him. I am remembering all the good times, and it is just so difficult to keep myself from contacting him. I am hoping tomorrow I will remember why we broke up, the lies, the broken promises. It doesn’t help it is holiday season and we will both be alone on Christmas.
LilySun Posted December 24, 2017 Posted December 24, 2017 We did speak and it was a terrible heartbreaking evening. I was firm, though it was so incredibly difficult. He pleaded with me not to do it, it was awful. And now, a few days later, I am doing terrible. I am hurting, and twice as much from the knowledge that I hurt him. I am remembering all the good times, and it is just so difficult to keep myself from contacting him. I am hoping tomorrow I will remember why we broke up, the lies, the broken promises. It doesn’t help it is holiday season and we will both be alone on Christmas. Very hard thing for both of you... But he chose this. You gave him the chances to do what you need him to do, and he failed. In hindsight it's not only you that hurt him.. He hurt himself by not trying harder. He chose that, therefore choosing to lose you. Keep telling yourself if you go back, you will certainly find yourself back in the same dilemma. This might be exactly what he needs to realize that he has got to straighten his life out before he can make someone truly happy. You never if down the road he still ends up doing that, but keep your current stance until he does. Meantime you can still hope and pray for him and cherish the good memories. 1
Author Mystyry Posted December 24, 2017 Author Posted December 24, 2017 Thank you, LilySun. You comment was right on point. These are exactly the things that I need to keep in mind and remembering. Logically I know that, but sometimes you just still need to hear it. So thank you.
LilySun Posted December 24, 2017 Posted December 24, 2017 Thank you, LilySun. You comment was right on point. These are exactly the things that I need to keep in mind and remembering. Logically I know that, but sometimes you just still need to hear it. So thank you. You're welcome however you are still allowed to be sad, of course. You are allowed to wonder if you did the right thing. Just try not to act on those feelings. Because it was right. I have experience with addicts and I know how rough it can be. 1
Author Mystyry Posted December 24, 2017 Author Posted December 24, 2017 I have experience with addicts and I know how rough it can be. Yes, very much so. And not acting on those feelings, while very hard, is excellent advice, because - you are right - I will end up in the same situation all over again, after all those promises.
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