Cancelling at the last minute?

[b1a4]

Simple question about when it’s acceptable or not to cancel at the last minute.

 

So yesterday, me and the guy who I’ve been meeting for one month now (just became official last weekend) had plans to meet up after work. He said he would be there around 7pm. After showering, 7pm rolls around and he texts me. I ask him where he is. He says that he unexpectedly ran into or received a message from a friend at the subway station (not sure exactly because his first lang is not English) and he asked me if meeting Thursday was okay instead (I already told him earlier this week that I’m not free Thursday).

 

He said that he told his friend that we already had plans, but his friend said he wouldn’t be able to meet him for a long time. So because of that, my bf decided to meet him instead. He apologized profusely and said that it would not happen in the future. Furthermore, we agreed to meet Friday night after his dinner with co workers instead, but now he’s saying that’s a “maybe” and we might meet on Saturday instead.

 

We see each other once or twice a week, but what bugs me is that this friend of his could have made plans to see him if he cared about him that much.

 

This is my third serious relationship and I want to be as mature and understanding as possible. So I didn’t give him a hard time about it at all.

 

Was it inconsiderate of him, or is this no big deal? I appreciate that he said it won’t happen again, but I’m a little skeptical now.

Thanks

Edited December 20, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Lorenza]

Canceling last minute is unacceptable, unless it's something really serious.

[d0nnivain]

It was a tad inconsiderate but not that big of a deal. He gave you a heads up, not much of one.

 

 

I'd let it roll off your back unless it becomes a bad habit.

 

 

Was there a reason you could not join them, to meet the friend? That's actually more troubling to me. In his shoes, having unexpectedly bumped into a old friend, I just would have rearranged the plans from a romantic date with my new SO to a fun friends evening which included the old buddy. Then he could spend time with you both.

[hippychick3]

That was very inconsiderate and rude. If his explanation is truthful (I have doubts about that), he should have prioritized you. I honestly could not date someone who would do that to me. I expect the person I’m dating to be consistently reliable and considerate.

[Shanex]

I would pass on him, unless it was a situation of emergency otherwise I smell BS excuse not to go on the date.

[Miss Peach]

I agree with the others that it was rude. I could see how he might have asked to change the plans but to just cancel last minute wouldn't be acceptable to me unless it was something really huge and rare like a family member in the hospital. Things aren't looking good with this guy IMO.

 

FWIW I did go through a phase of this with my BF where he expected me to be around last minute but started cancelling on me when we made plans. First to have dinner with a friend. Then to go to a meetup.

 

After it happened I told him that he has every right to do what he wants with his time but I wasn't going to treat him like a priority if he treated me like an option then I would stop treating him like a priority.

 

He did it again so I started making plans and if he wanted to see me he could make plans more ahead of time. I went to a meetup one night. I accepted plans for dinner with another guy. When he came around last minute he didn't like I already had plans. After a few missed dates he shaped up and its never happened again (been almost a year now).

 

If a guy didn't shape up I would just let him go.

[carhill]

Dated a lot when younger, developed the 'Plan B' mindset. Stuff happens. People do what they do.

 

Personally, this time of year I wouldn't get too wound up in schedules with someone I hadn't been dating long. Historically, save for perhaps NYE, I tended to expect dating partners to focus on their families and work parties and similar during this time. If we had been dating long enough, and were intimate, the possibility of being invited/inviting to a Xmas party might be on the table. It's easy to be recognized as a 'couple' in such ways and for some people they don't want to do that publicly with someone they haven't known for long.

 

See how Saturday goes.

[b1a4]

Thanks guys. I don’t think he was lying. He sent me pictures of him and his friend throughout the night (though they could be from another night, my instincts tell me he is not a player type and wasn’t lying).

 

Ugh. Dating around here is so hard, and it would be so disappointing if after finally finding someone who really likes me, he turns into a Dbag. I’ll try not to let my judgment get clouded though.

 

Carhill, I’m glad that worked out for you. I’ve been trying to meet friends more but as they’re so busy, even with friends it’s hard to meet except once in a blue moon even my “best friend” who I haven’t met this whole month after repeated attempts to get together never offers an alternate time. It’s been rough and I need to make new friends.

 

Next time we meet up, I will have a talk with my “boyfriend” about this.

 

Thinking of saying something along the lines of “I appreciate how you always help me when I am need, and try your best to communicate with me by phone when we can’t meet. But for me, meeting in real life is the most imporant thing. I am really hurt by what you did on Tuesday. I know your friends and family are very important to you, and I want to respect that. But from now on, I need to know that you’re a reliable person and can respect me. That you can keep promises and make plans with me ahead of time. If you could do that, I would be very happy.”

[Gaeta]

Depends.

 

If I ran into a childhood friend in the metro I had not seen in years I'd like my bf to be understanding in changing our plans for later or the following day. It's different if he met a friend living in town and picked him over you.

 

As for changing plans from Friday to Saturday I don't see the problem, he is warning you 3 days ahead.

 

Don't sweat the small stuff.

[carhill]

Beware of the expectations thing. Boundaries are cool. If your boundary is a day's advance notice on cancellations, as example, that's the deal. Communicate it. I recall Sean Connery's comment in 'Entrapment' .... 'I'll be there. If I'm late, I'm dead'. That's definitive. If you need a guy like that, you do. Billions of us around.

 

If the date Saturday goes off, IMO I'd simply enjoy it, holiday cheer and all, and table the boundaries discussion on that particular date. Up to you. I tend to watch people doing what they naturally do and make relationship decisions based on compatibility.

 

I remember, on our first date, lunch, my exW was 30 minutes late. We both had to drive 30 miles to meet in the middle so I was patient and it was raining. I think my first comment was 'You were late enough that I drank your margarita' with a chuckle. Of course we later went on to get married and her sister often commented that she'd never seen my wife as on-time as when we were together. Boundaries

[b1a4]

Gaeta, that is right. I’ll try to get the full story. It wasn’t clear how long it had been since he met this friend or where he lives. All he said was “We haven’t met in a long time, and we can’t meet up next week or the week after.”

[d0nnivain]

Thinking of saying something along the lines of “I appreciate how you always help me when I am need, and try your best to communicate with me by phone when we can’t meet. But for me, meeting in real life is the most imporant thing. I am really hurt by what you did on Tuesday. I know your friends and family are very important to you, and I want to respect that. But from now on, I need to know that you’re a reliable person and can respect me. That you can keep promises and make plans with me ahead of time. If you could do that, I would be very happy.”

 

 

 

 

That is too much for the slight you received. You come across as a needy dramatic drama queen. Don't say all that.

 

 

I'd say something along the lines of you understand that things come up but you were hurt that instead of him asking you to join him to meet the friend, he just ditched you.

 

 

My way you come across as someone with boundaries but who is flexible & open to meeting his friends.

[jimbo]

If there is an emergency or really cannot get out of work/event that's being prioritized over you. If someone cancels, then it's only fair for them to reach out and reschedule with you; not vice-versa.

[Gaeta]

Gaeta, that is right. I’ll try to get the full story. It wasn’t clear how long it had been since he met this friend or where he lives. All he said was “We haven’t met in a long time, and we can’t meet up next week or the week after.”

 

Get the story on the friend and don't send any messages about being hurt and feeling disrespected, you'll kill this relationship while still in the egg. Let it slide and from now on take notes. If it's something he does repeatedly then say something, if not that means it was a one time thing and there is no need to create drama around it.

[act00]

I think you're being a little overly dramatic in this situation. I would be upset, yes, but this is someone he won't see again in a really long time; meanwhile, he can see you in a couple days. It's a busy time of year and like it or not, there are some situations that will take some priority, and in a brand new, month-long relationship, it may not be the time to start lumping you into his entire life. Yes, you agreed to monogamy, but you haven't been going out that long, and you are still very much in the "getting to know you" phase.

 

What I would be careful of is a pattern. If you find he consistently blows you off for other plans, that's when you get upset. This (for now) is a one-off. You can let it be known that you were disappointed, but don't turn it into a drama. Things happen, unexpectedly sometimes.

 

He apologized. He stated this won't happen again. He made plans with you for Friday and then thought Friday night might not be the best. In my mind, I'm considering that maybe this coworker dinner might run late, he gets lost in the moment, he won't get out on time, it might be late and he has to leave when he really wants to stay...basically considering your feelings as well as his own and pushing it back to a day when he knows he will be free and available for you.

 

I think you can cut the guy a little slack. If this becomes a pattern, then you worry. You have no reason to believe this is nothing more than a one-off for now.

[b1a4]

Ok, you guys are right. The last thing I want to do is come off as needy or a drama queen. And this relationship is very new. Donovan I will say what you suggested instead.

[Maggie4]

Oh I think he will do it again. And that in itself is not a big deal either, if you are that kind of spontaneous gal too, you might cancel on him at the last minute too and think nothing of it.

You are getting to know who he is. This is who he is and I make no judgement because people are different and that's ok. I have flaky friends too. Nobody is perfect. You take the good and the bad.

Don't try to change him. Maybe you are just not a match, or maybe you find this quite tolerable. Let it take its natural course.

[Versacehottie]

i actually think the plans for friday night with his friends or co-workers changing to saturday probably isn't his fault. Think about it, he is probably trying to accommodate them and their schedule that's why that one is happening.

 

As for hanging out with friend from the subway rather than you and canceling at the last minute. I think you've already decided not to do the dramatic convo--good thing. At this point, I'd sit back and observe if it happens again in a way such as this where he is either taking you for granted or not respecting your time. I think it could honestly be exactly what he said it would--he ran into a friend and just as a matter of practicality knew that it was the only night in a long while that they would be able to hang out. If you said anything regarding this, I might say something to the effect of it would have been nice to meet his friend too and maybe he would put two and two together and realize he could have asked you to join them toward the end of their evening. But some guys don't think like that and/or he might have truly just wanted some guy time.

 

I think the most likely scenario overall (but you will have to wait to get more intel) is that now that you guys are official, he is worried about his autonomy and some guy are really awkward about how they go about that!! I.e. last minute cancellations and other things that seem like rebelling against being tied down or obligated and not free. I tend to think if you just give them the freedom WITHOUT letting them take you for granted it all gets reeled in. This can be tricky to accomplish. Girls can be sensitive thinking every move is a diss to the relationship and ie. them, when that is not how guys are thinking exactly--they can tend to compartmentalize etc. Also since you just made things official, he may be relaxing his "good" behavior now that he "has" you.

 

I do recommend as someone said above (apologies I can't remember who!) that if he does it again to not make him such a priority, i.e. give him a taste of his own medicine in a way. Make your own plans, don't be so available. it may seem counter-productive or like playing games but I do believe you teach people how to treat you. With guys--IME, the talking works less than actions, i.e. he may be expecting you to nag him but if you just drop his priority and pull back it sends a message that they seem to get. Good luck

[b1a4]

Just an update. I told him he could meet me after my dinner with co workers since I could probably get out earlier from my dinner on Thurs. than he can from his dinner with co workers on Fri. He was so happy when I suggested that and he came and spent the night. We were both so tired and happy to see each other when we met, I didn’t even want to talk about this subject. He wants to try to come over again tonight and be with me all day Saturday before I leave for my trip. I feel more confident now that he is treating me like a priority. And come to think of it, there was one time when he cancelled a movie date with his brother to meet me instead lol.

 

I think the reason he didn’t ask me to join him and his friend is because they will be talking in their native language (Korean) the whole time, and my Korean language skill is nowhere near the level to understand fast paced, slang filled banter. But I’ll still ask him what he would think about me hanging with him and his friends.

 

Thanks all for keeping my dramatic thoughts in check. Some of the earlier responses I received on here had me thinking he did me major wrong and that I should be more upset. But I tried to put myself in his shoes and I think I might have done the same kind of thing (although I would have suggested he join us because his English is pretty good).