Rich201 Posted December 20, 2017 Posted December 20, 2017 Hi guys, I'm new to posting on this thread but I've looked around and you guys seem helpful to everyone so I hope you can be helpful to me with my issue as well! My girlfriend tells her friend EVERYTHING. When I have heart to hearts with her, or we're discussing my feelings about a topic, or trying to resolve an issue, she tells her friend. I feel violated when I know her friend knows everything. It makes me want to not be around her. I feel like everything isn't for everybody to know, and in my vulnerable moments when I'm discussing my feelings and my train of thought about things, those things make their way back to somebody that I don't really care to know. How do I deal with this?
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted December 20, 2017 Posted December 20, 2017 Have you told her how you feel? How old are you two and how long have you been dating?
Gaeta Posted December 20, 2017 Posted December 20, 2017 My best friend knows everything about me and I know everything about my best friend, that is how many women conduct their close friendships. Women's friendship is much different than men's. My bf knows this so when he tells me something and he wants it to remain between us he tells me he prefers it stays between us and I keep it between us. He knows women are very close and share a lot. 3
central Posted December 20, 2017 Posted December 20, 2017 (edited) Either you break up with her, or start telling your guy friends all the intimate details of what she says and does, including sex life. And share with her that you've shared this stuff. (You DO have close guy friends, don't you?) If she's not okay with that, then at least you have leverage to get her to change what she shares with others. Edited December 20, 2017 by central 1
Tribble Posted December 20, 2017 Posted December 20, 2017 I share a lot with my BFF too. It helps me process things to talk it out. If I've had an argument with a significant other, it helps me to talk about it, process and decide if I'm over-reacting. The BFF is a good sounding board. I have had to learn to be careful though. One particular friend I shared with tends to get a little judgey and so I had to stop sharing with her. My advise is to talk to your gf. Don't expect her to stop telling her BFF things but, if there is something particularly sensitive you want to keep between you two only, ask that of her. Just don't ask her not to tell the BFF anything. As another poster has said, girls tend to communicate and have friendships differently to guys. 1
d0nnivain Posted December 20, 2017 Posted December 20, 2017 You deal with it by telling her not to disclose personal things about you to her friends. If she doesn't honor that request you evaluate whether you want to stay in the relationship 4
Rockdad Posted December 20, 2017 Posted December 20, 2017 Good luck with getting a "talker" to shut it down. Odds are better to winning the lottery. 5
Gaeta Posted December 20, 2017 Posted December 20, 2017 Either you break up with her, or start telling your guy friends all the intimate details of what she says and does, including sex life. And share with her that you've shared this stuff. (You DO have close guy friends, don't you?) If she's not okay with that, then at least you have leverage to get her to change what she shares with others. Who said she was disclosing things about their sex life? His words: When I have heart to hearts with her, or we're discussing my feelings about a topic, or trying to resolve an issue, she tells her friend. She is sharing with her friends aspects of her relationships with OP, he never said details of their sex life.
central Posted December 20, 2017 Posted December 20, 2017 Who said she was disclosing things about their sex life? His words: When I have heart to hearts with her, or we're discussing my feelings about a topic, or trying to resolve an issue, she tells her friend. She is sharing with her friends aspects of her relationships with OP, he never said details of their sex life. But it's possible, and he may not even know. Perhaps the emotional things she shares matter to him, but wouldn't to her if he shared them with others, so it's a matter of finding whatever creates the same discomfort in her in order to create the perspective needed so that she agrees to limit what she shares (and he shares) to what they both agree is acceptable. So, as I said, she need to respect his wishes, they should break up (preferable, IMO), or he must give her motivation to change. 1
Gaeta Posted December 20, 2017 Posted December 20, 2017 But it's possible, and he may not even know. Perhaps the emotional things she shares matter to him, but wouldn't to her if he shared them with others, so it's a matter of finding whatever creates the same discomfort in her in order to create the perspective needed so that she agrees to limit what she shares (and he shares) to what they both agree is acceptable. So, as I said, she need to respect his wishes, they should break up (preferable, IMO), or he must give her motivation to change. You apply to women the same thinking as men. If I speak to my friend about an issue I have with my bf it's because he is very important to me and I need my friend to ask her advice, to share with me a similar experience in her relationship, to reassure me or the contrary to ring an alarm. It's when I shared with a female friend what my ex was doing that I realized I was in an abusive relationship so as per your theory I should have never shared with a close female friend that my ex was physically aggressive toward me? What is it exactly that he doesn't want her to share? If his wish is for her to not share with her female friend that he's a drunk and beating her up than sorry. * Don't tell your friend I lost my job is honorable and acceptable * Don't tell your friend you caught me cheating...I would not grant it to him 1
RecentChange Posted December 20, 2017 Posted December 20, 2017 This would be a MAJOR issue for me. I am a private person, I don't "share everything" with my BFF. Far from it. Why you may ask? Because I have heard all the gossip! I have been told things about other women, and their relationships by their supposed "confidants" that I am sure they wouldn't want pass around like the latest news. I would feel extremely violated if my husband told his friend about our most personal of matters. Our agreement to mutual privacy has allowed us to be extremely open and vulnerable to each other. I have told him things that I have never told another soul on this earth, and the same goes for him. We know we can TRUST each other to keep it between us. I couldn't be vulnerable and closely intimate with someone who was going to turn around and tell a third party about my private matters, no F'ing way. I am in a relationship with that person, not their BFF, and whoever else their BFF decides to share some information with. When we have a major issue (which is rare) we utilize a counselor. I feel better consulting a professional who adheres to a code of conduct. 4
Aiuta le mani Posted December 20, 2017 Posted December 20, 2017 Women tend to discuss private topics with their friends as part of very close friendships. If she is talking about your relationship with her friend, she probably trusts her a lot! Have you told your GF how you feel about this? If this makes you uncomfortable, let your GF know what topics you want her to keep between the two of you! It is always good to be open and honest in your relationship!
central Posted December 20, 2017 Posted December 20, 2017 What is it exactly that he doesn't want her to share? If she's telling her friend about his insecurities and vulnerabilities, that's a violation of relationship trust, and something he can reasonably expect to be private. Sure, if he's a drunk or abusive, that's entirely different, but that doesn't sound like the case here. If she's sharing his vulnerabilities, then he will stop sharing those things with her, and the relationship will suffer, or fail. There is a line of trust that must not be crossed in serious relationships and marriage - that's bringing in outsiders without permission, and that's different from speaking to a therapist who has a duty of confidentiality. 2
todreaminblue Posted December 20, 2017 Posted December 20, 2017 Talk to her as other posters have suggested and do tell her when you want certain discussions private,let her know it bothers you and if she truly loves you she will honor your wishes....deb 1
Gaeta Posted December 20, 2017 Posted December 20, 2017 If she's telling her friend about his insecurities and vulnerabilities, that's a violation of relationship trust, and something he can reasonably expect to be private. Sure, if he's a drunk or abusive, that's entirely different, but that doesn't sound like the case here. Again, he said she talked about his feelings on things and issues they are having. He did not say she is yapping about his most inner thoughts and his insecurities. OP will have to give us examples. I don't see any difference between asking advice on here and asking a friend for advice on an issue. She goes to her friend, he comes on here. When my bf told me he doesn't do xmas it was so huge to me I needed to process the news with people I trusted, I posted on here because some people on here have very good judgment and advice and I spoke to a good friend of mine + my daughter!. My bf knows I spoke about this to people close to me and he understood my need to do so. Talking to people actually helped me understand him and work through it, now I made peace with not being with him on Xmas exactly because I spoke to people close to me. That being said if my bf shares something he's ashamed of or embarassed about, an insecutiry, a trauma, I would never discuss it with other people, that's not the same thing at all. So before assuming she is disrespecting his most inner thoughts lets just see what she shares to her friend. 1
edgygirl Posted December 20, 2017 Posted December 20, 2017 I am ambivalent about this. Women do "need" sharing with our best friends, it's how we process things we're going through. For me it's extremely hard to process things by myself. On the other hand, my sister has the tendency to share all our family matters with several people we all know. She shared a surgery I did and kept secret even from most of my friends -- without asking me. When I confronted her, she said she needed their support. But, she violated MY privacy by doing that. What I do now, is when I share with her something that is personal for me, I usually tell her NOT to disclose things to her friends I also know. The whole thing does make me not want to share things with her, so I get you. No easy answer here. I think your best bet is to sit and have a frank conversation with her on what's bothering you. Expecting her to not share anything is a bit much, but you can discuss which matters you expect to keep private. 1
Mr.Me Posted December 20, 2017 Posted December 20, 2017 I call it The Couple Rule". Tell one person and it's nearly guaranteed another person knows it too. The problem arises when something one person said it taken differently. That means the third person to know doesn't know what the original story was. 2
LivingWaterPlease Posted December 21, 2017 Posted December 21, 2017 (edited) OP, have you tried talking with your GF about the problem? In your place I would try that at this point, but don't be surprised if it does nothing to help solve the problem. Like Recent Change, I don't share any issues, small or large, I have with husband (or since I'm single now, bf) with my gfs. Some women share, some don't. You may want to find one that doesn't if your current gf won't comply with your wishes. Edited December 21, 2017 by LivingWaterPlease 1
RecentChange Posted December 21, 2017 Posted December 21, 2017 I don't know.... I guess I am glad I can form my own opinions about issues my husband and I are having without consulting a committee. Please note - some women have to speak to their friends for opinions, but it certainly isn't all. Just like sexuality is on a sliding scale, I would say "gendered communication" is as well. I wonder why it is that many women feel that they need a sounding board on personal issues, while it isn't as common with men. 1
LivingWaterPlease Posted December 21, 2017 Posted December 21, 2017 (edited) I don't know.... I guess I am glad I can form my own opinions about issues my husband and I are having without consulting a committee. Please note - some women have to speak to their friends for opinions, but it certainly isn't all. Just like sexuality is on a sliding scale, I would say "gendered communication" is as well. I wonder why it is that many women feel that they need a sounding board on personal issues, while it isn't as common with men. Not sure. It may have something to do with how one is reared. I didn't add earlier because I don't want to sound as if I'm condescending toward anyone who does share with gfs but I also find my close gfs aren't sharers of issues they have with their H's either. I do have a couple of gfs whom I've supported through divorce who have shared which I find to be different as at that point the intimacy of marriage is crumbling anyway. Interesting topic. Although I'm very outgoing, I'm also very private about my closest relationships. But, not sure if I'm getting into a t/j or not? Edited December 21, 2017 by LivingWaterPlease 1
RecentChange Posted December 21, 2017 Posted December 21, 2017 Not sure. It may have something to do with how one is reared. Interesting topic. Although I'm very outgoing, I'm also very private about my closest relationships. But, not sure if I'm getting into a t/j or not? Same! I am gregarious, out going, most would describe me as an extrovert - but when it comes to personal matters, I am a locked vault. Seeing how many people gossip has absolutely hardened my conviction to this. Like someone else said....you tell one woman, and then her husband knows, and then her other friend. So on and so forth. 1
Grapesofwrath Posted December 21, 2017 Posted December 21, 2017 If she is sharing your feelings as a form of gossip, that is definitely not okay. By that I mean, if she recounts your conversations to friends as a way of chronicling them and maintaining a story, that is a violation of privacy, If she is sharing your feelings or thoughts as a way of explaining her own feelings and thoughts, that may be okay, but it depends. For example, if I am struggling with my bf's fighting style, let's say, I might tell my friend what my bf has shared with me about his family of origin and how he learned to argue, by way of giving context. I think that's different than just gossiping. Either way, I agree with those who suggest that you talk to her about it and explain that it feels like a violation to you. This is within your rights. Set some boundaries and see if she can adhere to them.
Gaeta Posted December 21, 2017 Posted December 21, 2017 I wonder why it is that many women feel that they need a sounding board on personal issues, while it isn't as common with men. Could be cultural. In my culture women friendship is very tight and includes sharing our inner thoughts, no men here would be surprised to learn his wife or gf confines in her female friend. For years I've lived outside my culture in anglophone Provinces and my female friendship were much different, we kept it at exchanging recipes, going to movies and shopping. It's not good or bad, it's just different. I wonder if OP's girlfriend is of the same culture. 1
edgygirl Posted December 22, 2017 Posted December 22, 2017 Didn't you once say you're a T(hinker) in Myers Briggs? Thinkers are less likely to want to be sharing feelings than i.e. (F)eelers like myself. Also, there are several studies saying M/F brains are connected differently. "Previous studies have found behavioral differences between men and women. For example, women may have better verbal memory and social cognition, whereas men may have better motor and spatial skills, on average." https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/how-mens-brains-are-wired-differently-than-women/ I read and believe that this includes women's brains being more likely wired to connect to others. And that's why psychology articles say men are usually lost when they lose their partner, as they don't have the same social support system. I don't know.... I guess I am glad I can form my own opinions about issues my husband and I are having without consulting a committee. Please note - some women have to speak to their friends for opinions, but it certainly isn't all. Just like sexuality is on a sliding scale, I would say "gendered communication" is as well. I wonder why it is that many women feel that they need a sounding board on personal issues, while it isn't as common with men. 1
Whoknew30 Posted December 22, 2017 Posted December 22, 2017 I don't know.... I guess I am glad I can form my own opinions about issues my husband and I are having without consulting a committee. Please note - some women have to speak to their friends for opinions, but it certainly isn't all. Just like sexuality is on a sliding scale, I would say "gendered communication" is as well. I wonder why it is that many women feel that they need a sounding board on personal issues, while it isn't as common with men. Have to disagree that it’s bc women “need a sounding board”. I’ve been best friends with 4 different girls since we met in elementary school. We’ve been through absolutely everything in life together...we’ve been telling each other everything since kids bc we’re so close, why would that stop bc we got married? The reality is my H & I have had more issues than we have as friends...we never cheated on each other & god forbid I get (Or they) get divorced, they’d be there. Our husbands even go to “the other ones” (as they call us) to talk about issues if one of us is being hard headed...I couldn't imagine my life without them. How can someone say they have really good friends & not trust to tell them everything? If I can’t be open a 100% with a “friend” then I don’t consider them a friend, they’re simply a nice acquaintance. Men do it but not with other men bc it’s a macho thing, mixed in with insecurity. Men open up honestly to other women. All the men in my family, open up to me & so do their friends. My mom owns a business & all her customers are men, she knows A LOT about their wives & their personal lives...in my experience, men speaking to a acquaintance/strange woman (if having issues) will open quicker & in more detail than a woman. OP...a “real” best friend usually does know everything...if they don’t, then they’re not a real best friend. I personally think it’s sad that you have no one that but only your gf that’s that close to you. If you don’t have that, you’re never going to understand that type of relationship. If this girl has been around for a long time...you’re either going to have except their closeness or leave, you’ll never win against her best friend. Good luck 1
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