Six months after breakup..still wrecked.

[stockyoldfrump]

Long story, as short as possible:

 

My ex and I broke up 20 days ago. She dumped me. We are both in our early thirties and were both relatively inexperienced with relationships. I've had one prior partner, she's had three. Two years ago, I met her at work and we hit it off immediately. At some point she became my superior. We worked together on everything and developed an intense emotional and intellectual intimacy. We talked all day, stayed after work for hours talking, and then texted all night. Both of us were afraid to say anything because of professional dynamics, but we were pretty much in love with each other for a year.

 

Eventually I left the job, as did she and we began dating. Things were great for a little while, but at some point some of her quirks became evident. She lives with her parents and refused to come to the city to see me on weekends because she's afraid of city driving. As a result, I had to drive to her place (thirty minutes from my own) every night after work in order for us to spend time together. She wouldn't let me in her parents home and wouldn't let me meet her parents, so we had to go on "dates" rather than having any sort of domestic rapport. So scared was she of my interacting with her parents that she made me park down the block on weekends when they might walk outside. She is scared of the phone so she refused to ever call me and there were times I didn't get to hear her voice for days on end. Worse, about three weeks into the relationship she began regularly bailing on plans by giving excuses. She refused to meet my friends, etc. and was very evasive when I tried to ask her questions she didn't want to answer. She would often opt out of things we had planned and when I asked her to firm up the plans (ie: "when are we meeting tonight?") she'd totally avoid the subject and respond with something totally unrelated. On average, she'd cancel or avoid plans at least twice a week. She was also self harming regularly, but insisted it wasn't a problem even when I tried to get her to consider new kinds of therapy. She also had a ton of male friends that she knew were in love with her. She would get them to drive her places, etc. and spend time with them despite knowing their interests, and would go places with them whenever she was mad at me. She told me this openly and, in an attempt to appear trusting and secure, I didn't make a big deal about it.

 

I knew that she had some trauma issues and so I was dedicated to working through these issues. I tried my best to facilitate us meeting up, working within the boundaries of her insecurities, and always being attentive to what she wanted and liked. We had a relationship that was very emotionally supportive, even though logistically it didn't progress the way it should have for the above reasons.

 

At some point in April, things started to get weird. We are both very inexperienced physically, but were getting more physically intimate. At some point, we progressed to an act she initiated but I was hesitant about. I told her it was a huge step for me and that I was insecure about it. Afterwards, she assured me everything would be fine and was supportive. However, following that she refused to come to my place for three weeks and kept avoiding me in conversation. The next time she came over, she told me a "secret." I won't disclose it here, but it was a reason for her trauma. I supported her and told her I loved her. Afterwards there was a misunderstanding in which she initially told me she didn't want to have any physical contact with me after the disclosure, but later suggested we go into bedroom and, when I asked if what we were doing was okay because of her earlier statement, told me "it's weird you ask. Of course, it's fine."

 

The next day, she accused me of "luring" her into my bedroom and got very very distant. She said she was worried she had lost trust in me. She refused to see me for the duration of April, though we continued to talk and she told me she didn't want to break up with me. I apologized and told her I regretted not taking more of an active control of the situation, but that I was doing what I thought she wanted at the time and was genuinely sorry. A week after the incident she told me she understood and that she was more worried that I now thought she was disgusting. I am genuinely angry that I didn't just hold her to her initial statements in this situation given her emotional state, but I was also distraught and emotionally wrecked and was just taking it minute by minute. I feel awful, but I also think there were mixed signals.

 

After about four weeks of not seeing her, including many days in which she asked me to come visit, only to not show up at our designated meeting places, I was ready to break up with her. It was then that she texted saying she "needed me" and asked me to come see her. Her uncle was dying and we spent the next three days together. She told me she had always loved me, had wanted to see me, but was terrified I'd think she was gross. From that point forward, we had a great six weeks together. We took a trip to New York, got involved in rock climbing together and were inseparable. She had a lot of challenges happening in her life and I was trying my best to be a support system for her through them all. It felt almost like the beginning of the relationship. She still never suggested coming to my place, but I now fully understood the extent of her hangups with intimacy and was intent on never ever making her feel uncomfortable again. So I just went with what she wanted to do and was happy to wait for her and be there for her emotionally.

 

A month ago today, we spent all day together kayaking and hiking. She told me how much fun she had and how much in love with me she was. She was planning trips for us to go to upstate NY and Florida together and was talking about how much she looked forward to just spending time at my place in the summer and laying around watching TV. Things seemed great.

 

The next day she became super distant and wasn't answering text. Same on Monday. Again on Tuesday. On Wednesday she ignored me all day and I sent her a text asking if she was okay. She responded by telling me she was "worried about us" and said that she didn't think I was ready to have kids because I wasn't worried about not having secured a job for the next teaching year. I explained that I was worried and that I had been applying for jobs all year. I also pointed out that I had been working mandatory fifty hour weeks at my current teaching job and was getting full time pay and benefits through the summer. She was relieved to hear me acknowledge my concern and told me she "just wanted to be there for me."

 

The next day, however, she was totally distant again. I asked her how she felt about the convrsation and she told me she was "okay, I guess." On Friday, it was my last day of school. She had been promising to take me out to a movie and dinner for the last month, even saying goodbye most days with something like "five days 'til the movie!" I texted her the morning of to see when she wanted to meet up and got no response for an hour, only to have her text back in the afternoon saying she had a panic attack and asking how my day was. No mention of the plans, but obviously she wasn't going.

 

I was bummed out. On Saturday I tried to plan something with her so we could talk. She sporadically responded via text, but when I asked to see her she stopped responding. She didn't respond until Sunday night. For the next three days she would chime in occasionally with a critique or complaint and restate her "concern" about us. She said she was worried because I didn't have enough food in my fridge, once didn't take my medication when I needed it months ago, don't buy fresh produce, etc. It was a litany of seemingly ridiculous things that had only ever been mentioned before in jest or never mentioned at all. She told me she was upset she had never met my mom, which I tried to explain I didn't push for because her own refusal to let me meet her parents made me think she might not be ready for it. She said many mean things, like saying she "needed someone who could take care of himself without being watched over." I never retaliated in kind or criticized her, but rather tried to address her concerns. She would never engage in an actual discussion, but would respond only once every eight or ten hours, leaving me in a state of limbo for days. I asked her to call me or see me to talk and called her several times. She ignored all the requests and no calls were picked up.

 

That Wednesday, she texted me and ended things. She said I "couldn't take care of myself physically or financially," said "she needed someone more mature" and said "she didn't know what I wanted." She said she still loved me and always would and that she wanted to be friends. Having anticipated this for days, I had already devised a response and used it. I told her I was sorry for her decision and would always wish the best for her but that I didn't want to be friends because it was in my best interest to have her out of my life. Immediately afterwards, I blocked her on my phone and removed her from my social media, going into NC.

 

She e-mailed me right after saying she was worried I thought she broke up with me for superficial reasons, but that she needed a certain level of maturity and was worried about my "lack of maturity, impulsivity, and level or responsibility." I didn't answer the e-mail immediately, and that was our last contact for three days.

 

Three days later, I started to feel guilty about how I had left things. While I thought I had a right to be annoyed, I didn't like the way I phrased my message and didn't want her to remember me that way. I wrote her a long sappy e-mail, apologizing for the message, assuming responsibility for my role in not more proactively driving toward all the things I wanted in the relationship (marriage, etc.) and again wishing her the best. I asked her not to reply unless absolutely necessary, and she didn't.

 

That was now 20 days ago. I haven't heard from her since and I haven't broken NC. I started out okay, but recently have been feeling horribly worthless, guilty, and lost. Despite the problems listed above, this woman and I had the greatest emotional and intellectual connection I had ever experienced and I believe that if we could've better communicated about misunderstandings (we couldn't because she'd lock down or go AWOL and I was worried about pushing it too much) we could've had an incredible future together. Further, I wanted to marry her and to have kids with her. I'm very highly educated and do have career prospects and was hurt that she felt I hadn't proven myself as a worthy partner. Worse, I felt guilty for anything I had ever done to mess up the relationship, let her down, or disappoint her. I keep seeing things from her side rather than my own and just thinking about how she feels, rather than trying to forget her for my own sake.

 

I feel guilty now for not being her friend and wonder if maybe you shouldn't try if you care for someone. And, of course, to be honest, I'd love her back and wonder if my current course of action slams the door closed for that for all time. I do think it's best that we both have time apart to grow and improve, but would like there to be a chance of something if we run into each other down the road. Finally, I have pretty intense abandonment issues due to the loss of my father and the way that she bailed when things had seemingly been okay has really stung me. So there's further temptation to reach out for clarity, even though I know it'd likely just lead to more hurt. I don't know if it's too late to reach out or too early. If I don't beg/chase her now, am I somehow blowing a chance to do so?

 

I'm wondering what you guys think happened here. And, more importantly, if I should contact her now or stick to NC. I'm trying to get over her as much as possible, not bother her, but also leave things at the most advantageous stage (which is still relatively not promising, don't get me wrong) in case some miraculous circumstance makes reconciliation possible down the road.

 

Advice? Thoughts? Thanks so much.

[d0nnivain]

I realize she was your first relationship but this was seriously messed up. A healthy loving relationship does not function like this.

 

Before you talked about her sex problems (& gee, let me guess, her secret is that she was raped or molested) my first thought was that she was married. Making you park down the street & refusing to let you meet her parents is ridiculous.

 

I would not be able to forgive the hateful things she said about you. You may need to work on your own self esteem if you are even considering putting up with her again. She clearly has a low & inaccurate opinion of you. She treated you horribly. This amazing "connection" you had was one sided. She is incapable of that depth of feeling.

 

As much as it pains you, you can't continue with this woman. She's toxic. Take that great education of yours, apply some logic to this situation & move on.

 

You now have some experience. Go find a healthy GF.

[Redhead14]

Long story, as short as possible:

 

My ex and I broke up 20 days ago. She dumped me. We are both in our early thirties and were both relatively inexperienced with relationships. I've had one prior partner, she's had three. Two years ago, I met her at work and we hit it off immediately. At some point she became my superior. We worked together on everything and developed an intense emotional and intellectual intimacy. We talked all day, stayed after work for hours talking, and then texted all night. Both of us were afraid to say anything because of professional dynamics, but we were pretty much in love with each other for a year.

 

Eventually I left the job, as did she and we began dating. Things were great for a little while, but at some point some of her quirks became evident. She lives with her parents and refused to come to the city to see me on weekends because she's afraid of city driving. As a result, I had to drive to her place (thirty minutes from my own) every night after work in order for us to spend time together. She wouldn't let me in her parents home and wouldn't let me meet her parents, so we had to go on "dates" rather than having any sort of domestic rapport. So scared was she of my interacting with her parents that she made me park down the block on weekends when they might walk outside. She is scared of the phone so she refused to ever call me and there were times I didn't get to hear her voice for days on end. Worse, about three weeks into the relationship she began regularly bailing on plans by giving excuses. She refused to meet my friends, etc. and was very evasive when I tried to ask her questions she didn't want to answer. She would often opt out of things we had planned and when I asked her to firm up the plans (ie: "when are we meeting tonight?") she'd totally avoid the subject and respond with something totally unrelated. On average, she'd cancel or avoid plans at least twice a week. She was also self harming regularly, but insisted it wasn't a problem even when I tried to get her to consider new kinds of therapy. She also had a ton of male friends that she knew were in love with her. She would get them to drive her places, etc. and spend time with them despite knowing their interests, and would go places with them whenever she was mad at me. She told me this openly and, in an attempt to appear trusting and secure, I didn't make a big deal about it.

 

I knew that she had some trauma issues and so I was dedicated to working through these issues. I tried my best to facilitate us meeting up, working within the boundaries of her insecurities, and always being attentive to what she wanted and liked. We had a relationship that was very emotionally supportive, even though logistically it didn't progress the way it should have for the above reasons.

 

At some point in April, things started to get weird. We are both very inexperienced physically, but were getting more physically intimate. At some point, we progressed to an act she initiated but I was hesitant about. I told her it was a huge step for me and that I was insecure about it. Afterwards, she assured me everything would be fine and was supportive. However, following that she refused to come to my place for three weeks and kept avoiding me in conversation. The next time she came over, she told me a "secret." I won't disclose it here, but it was a reason for her trauma. I supported her and told her I loved her. Afterwards there was a misunderstanding in which she initially told me she didn't want to have any physical contact with me after the disclosure, but later suggested we go into bedroom and, when I asked if what we were doing was okay because of her earlier statement, told me "it's weird you ask. Of course, it's fine."

 

The next day, she accused me of "luring" her into my bedroom and got very very distant. She said she was worried she had lost trust in me. She refused to see me for the duration of April, though we continued to talk and she told me she didn't want to break up with me. I apologized and told her I regretted not taking more of an active control of the situation, but that I was doing what I thought she wanted at the time and was genuinely sorry. A week after the incident she told me she understood and that she was more worried that I now thought she was disgusting. I am genuinely angry that I didn't just hold her to her initial statements in this situation given her emotional state, but I was also distraught and emotionally wrecked and was just taking it minute by minute. I feel awful, but I also think there were mixed signals.

 

After about four weeks of not seeing her, including many days in which she asked me to come visit, only to not show up at our designated meeting places, I was ready to break up with her. It was then that she texted saying she "needed me" and asked me to come see her. Her uncle was dying and we spent the next three days together. She told me she had always loved me, had wanted to see me, but was terrified I'd think she was gross. From that point forward, we had a great six weeks together. We took a trip to New York, got involved in rock climbing together and were inseparable. She had a lot of challenges happening in her life and I was trying my best to be a support system for her through them all. It felt almost like the beginning of the relationship. She still never suggested coming to my place, but I now fully understood the extent of her hangups with intimacy and was intent on never ever making her feel uncomfortable again. So I just went with what she wanted to do and was happy to wait for her and be there for her emotionally.

 

A month ago today, we spent all day together kayaking and hiking. She told me how much fun she had and how much in love with me she was. She was planning trips for us to go to upstate NY and Florida together and was talking about how much she looked forward to just spending time at my place in the summer and laying around watching TV. Things seemed great.

 

The next day she became super distant and wasn't answering text. Same on Monday. Again on Tuesday. On Wednesday she ignored me all day and I sent her a text asking if she was okay. She responded by telling me she was "worried about us" and said that she didn't think I was ready to have kids because I wasn't worried about not having secured a job for the next teaching year. I explained that I was worried and that I had been applying for jobs all year. I also pointed out that I had been working mandatory fifty hour weeks at my current teaching job and was getting full time pay and benefits through the summer. She was relieved to hear me acknowledge my concern and told me she "just wanted to be there for me."

 

The next day, however, she was totally distant again. I asked her how she felt about the convrsation and she told me she was "okay, I guess." On Friday, it was my last day of school. She had been promising to take me out to a movie and dinner for the last month, even saying goodbye most days with something like "five days 'til the movie!" I texted her the morning of to see when she wanted to meet up and got no response for an hour, only to have her text back in the afternoon saying she had a panic attack and asking how my day was. No mention of the plans, but obviously she wasn't going.

 

I was bummed out. On Saturday I tried to plan something with her so we could talk. She sporadically responded via text, but when I asked to see her she stopped responding. She didn't respond until Sunday night. For the next three days she would chime in occasionally with a critique or complaint and restate her "concern" about us. She said she was worried because I didn't have enough food in my fridge, once didn't take my medication when I needed it months ago, don't buy fresh produce, etc. It was a litany of seemingly ridiculous things that had only ever been mentioned before in jest or never mentioned at all. She told me she was upset she had never met my mom, which I tried to explain I didn't push for because her own refusal to let me meet her parents made me think she might not be ready for it. She said many mean things, like saying she "needed someone who could take care of himself without being watched over." I never retaliated in kind or criticized her, but rather tried to address her concerns. She would never engage in an actual discussion, but would respond only once every eight or ten hours, leaving me in a state of limbo for days. I asked her to call me or see me to talk and called her several times. She ignored all the requests and no calls were picked up.

 

That Wednesday, she texted me and ended things. She said I "couldn't take care of myself physically or financially," said "she needed someone more mature" and said "she didn't know what I wanted." She said she still loved me and always would and that she wanted to be friends. Having anticipated this for days, I had already devised a response and used it. I told her I was sorry for her decision and would always wish the best for her but that I didn't want to be friends because it was in my best interest to have her out of my life. Immediately afterwards, I blocked her on my phone and removed her from my social media, going into NC.

 

She e-mailed me right after saying she was worried I thought she broke up with me for superficial reasons, but that she needed a certain level of maturity and was worried about my "lack of maturity, impulsivity, and level or responsibility." I didn't answer the e-mail immediately, and that was our last contact for three days.

 

Three days later, I started to feel guilty about how I had left things. While I thought I had a right to be annoyed, I didn't like the way I phrased my message and didn't want her to remember me that way. I wrote her a long sappy e-mail, apologizing for the message, assuming responsibility for my role in not more proactively driving toward all the things I wanted in the relationship (marriage, etc.) and again wishing her the best. I asked her not to reply unless absolutely necessary, and she didn't.

 

That was now 20 days ago. I haven't heard from her since and I haven't broken NC. I started out okay, but recently have been feeling horribly worthless, guilty, and lost. Despite the problems listed above, this woman and I had the greatest emotional and intellectual connection I had ever experienced and I believe that if we could've better communicated about misunderstandings (we couldn't because she'd lock down or go AWOL and I was worried about pushing it too much) we could've had an incredible future together. Further, I wanted to marry her and to have kids with her. I'm very highly educated and do have career prospects and was hurt that she felt I hadn't proven myself as a worthy partner. Worse, I felt guilty for anything I had ever done to mess up the relationship, let her down, or disappoint her. I keep seeing things from her side rather than my own and just thinking about how she feels, rather than trying to forget her for my own sake.

 

I feel guilty now for not being her friend and wonder if maybe you shouldn't try if you care for someone. And, of course, to be honest, I'd love her back and wonder if my current course of action slams the door closed for that for all time. I do think it's best that we both have time apart to grow and improve, but would like there to be a chance of something if we run into each other down the road. Finally, I have pretty intense abandonment issues due to the loss of my father and the way that she bailed when things had seemingly been okay has really stung me. So there's further temptation to reach out for clarity, even though I know it'd likely just lead to more hurt. I don't know if it's too late to reach out or too early. If I don't beg/chase her now, am I somehow blowing a chance to do so?

 

I'm wondering what you guys think happened here. And, more importantly, if I should contact her now or stick to NC. I'm trying to get over her as much as possible, not bother her, but also leave things at the most advantageous stage (which is still relatively not promising, don't get me wrong) in case some miraculous circumstance makes reconciliation possible down the road.

 

Advice? Thoughts? Thanks so much.

 

This wasn't just your first relationship, this was your first bad relationship/match . . .

 

This woman has too many "issues" for anyone, let alone someone who hasn't had a relationship before and has limited relationship skills. This is not the way a good relationship works.

 

Keep moving. Forget reconciliation. She needs to get right with herself before she can be a good partner for anyone. And, you need to get your life in more order too.

[stockyoldfrump]

Thank you all for the feedback.

 

I agree that things were not the best, and I have learned lessons from this. I certainly believe that I should be more intolerant of communication and should state my needs more proactively and clearly, regardless of whether or not those declarations carry consequences of distance/avoidance from my partner. I do realize that I had allowed her to so thoroughly "train" me that I became accommodating to the point of passivity. Prior to meeting her I was the most confident and self-assured I had ever been, and I've allowed my love for her to erode a lot of that over the past two years. I think that's also part of what I'm dealing with now.

 

But I do love her and, I guess, I believe she'd be capable of being a good partner after possible personal growth. I feel like I know a lot of went wrong on my end and could fix that. Obviously that sounds delusional, maybe it is..but I don't want to feel like I've left her with bad feelings about me.

 

Is it wrong to have not agreed to be friends with her? Do I owe her the opportunity for a more extensive conversation since I cut off the first one when she broke up with me? I feared friendship both because it would keep me from ever moving AND because her prefacing the offer with "I will always love you.." made me feel like she maybe wanted to create a power dynamic in which I was always chasing her. As noted, she already has this power over multiple other men, so I didn't want to end up like them.

 

I also keep thinking about the little things I did wrong. At the end she seemed really disappointed to have never met my mom. Despite my reasons, I do now remember he casually mentioning things like "we should take your mom" every month or so. At the time, I assumed those were just things she did but didn't mean to follow through with, like so many other things she said. My mom also lives hours away, so between that and her refusing to let me meet her parents, it didn't seem like the right time. If she had actually initiated a conversation and let me known it was making her feel insecure, I would've jumped on it. I just wished I had read things and made it happen sooner. I'm also constantly overanalyzing my answers to her final questions wondering if they would've changed things. How can I stop doing this?

Edited July 11, 2017 by stockyoldfrump

[la74219]

I know you want to be there for her as a friend to help her through her personal struggles, but doing that would be at the expense of your own well being. Is it worth your own sanity? Only you can decide that...

 

You know how the saying goes..if you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be. Best of luck. Hang in there.

[stockyoldfrump]

I know you want to be there for her as a friend to help her through her personal struggles, but doing that would be at the expense of your own well being. Is it worth your own sanity? Only you can decide that...

 

You know how the saying goes..if you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be. Best of luck. Hang in there.

 

Yeah, that is sort of the choice. I also sort of wonder whether even offering that friendship after 21 days is too delayed.

[la74219]

Yeah, that is sort of the choice. I also sort of wonder whether even offering that friendship after 21 days is too delayed.

 

It's never too late to do anything. I'm not one to judge because I know how difficult a situation like this is. You have to do what you feel is best for you. Majority of the community here will advise you to let it go though, and I would have to agree with them.

[d0nnivain]

Of course you are allowed to express what your needs in a relationship are & expect that they are going to be met. This assumes your needs are reasonable & you are both willing to compromise.

 

Two things from my marriage:

 

I like the beach. He doesn't. We go sporadically but we take a cruise every so often so I can get beach sun & he can hide in an indoor space.

 

I tell this story every so often on LS. It's trivial but I like greeting cards but they have to be written a certain way (The "correct" way) DH would buy me a card & sign it. Nothing more. It drove me crazy. I insisted the card had to be addressed: Dear D0nnivain. It had to be dated. It should contain a handwritten, personal message but I love you or Happy Birthday were fine. It had to be signed Love, [his name]. My husband thought I was nuts. His mother told me he'd never change & be happy he went to the card store at all. After about a year of me whining he signed a card my way. I was so happy & demonstrated my appreciation for his effort He still doesn't understand why I care so much & why it's important to me but he gets that it is & he does it to make me happy, not because it makes sense to him.

 

You are certainly not wrong for not wanting to be just friends. After a break up you can't have just part of a relationship.

 

Based on your 2nd post I am optimistic that your next relationship will be better. Don't look back.

[stockyoldfrump]

So, update. I was striving to feel better and have started going to therapy to help with this breakup. I spent all day yesterday transferring all photos and correspondences relating to my ex to an external harddrive so that I wouldn't see them.

 

I haven't heard from her in three weeks as of Wednesday and stayed strong with no contact, despite how hard it's been. Then today, out of the blue, I got an e-mail that reads:

 

"I hope it's okay that I'm emailing you. Please forgive me if it's not.

 

I just wanted to reach out and ask how you're doing. I miss you very much, and I hope you're well.

 

If you're comfortable with it, I'd love to heard from you. If not, I do understand. Please just know that you're in my thoughts, and I'm hoping you're having a nice summer.

 

Love,"

 

Now, I explicitly asked her to respect my need for space and not contact me. I told her I didn't want to be friends. It's only been three weeks since the break up and I feel like it's really hurtful to e-mail someone you dumped so shortly after they asked you to leave them be, especially to say things like "I miss you a lot" and to sign it "love." Both those things hurt and pull me back.

 

I wish she were feeling regret/having second thoughts, but I don't think that's the case. It feels like she wants attention but is being irresponsible in saying things that will send mixed signals or just sort of emotionally hurt me.

 

What would you recommend I do here?

[d0nnivain]

Ignore her.

 

 

There is nothing else to do. Responding -- even to say buzz off -- will only encourage her.

[Maldives]

So, update. I was striving to feel better and have started going to therapy to help with this breakup. I spent all day yesterday transferring all photos and correspondences relating to my ex to an external harddrive so that I wouldn't see them.

 

I haven't heard from her in three weeks as of Wednesday and stayed strong with no contact, despite how hard it's been. Then today, out of the blue, I got an e-mail that reads:

 

"I hope it's okay that I'm emailing you. Please forgive me if it's not.

 

I just wanted to reach out and ask how you're doing. I miss you very much, and I hope you're well.

 

If you're comfortable with it, I'd love to heard from you. If not, I do understand. Please just know that you're in my thoughts, and I'm hoping you're having a nice summer.

 

Love,"

 

Now, I explicitly asked her to respect my need for space and not contact me. I told her I didn't want to be friends. It's only been three weeks since the break up and I feel like it's really hurtful to e-mail someone you dumped so shortly after they asked you to leave them be, especially to say things like "I miss you a lot" and to sign it "love." Both those things hurt and pull me back.

 

I wish she were feeling regret/having second thoughts, but I don't think that's the case. It feels like she wants attention but is being irresponsible in saying things that will send mixed signals or just sort of emotionally hurt me.

 

What would you recommend I do here?

 

Damm that would definatly play wth ur head. If it was me and it has been in the past it certainly can set u back.

Damm wat a pickle she's put u in wth that email. Sometimes the best way to let go of these things is find out for real what she wants

[Blanco]

Staying in a relationship that would be great if the person changed "this, this, and this," is a foolish pursuit.

 

At her age, she basically is who she is.

[Superchicken]

Normally, its the guys that need to get their act together.

In this instance, its the other way round.

 

 

By the sounds of it, her email to you, although unwarranted, is a phishing attempt.

 

 

As the others have told you, don't contact her.

The minute you do, your feelings flood on back in.

Then you start to recover all over again.

 

 

Lastly, I reckon she will attempt to see you in person.

Because she's all over the place in her mind, and your not responding to her, she will try and make physical contact with you.

 

 

So be prepared, and walk away FAST !.

 

 

Ted

[salparadise]

Stockyoldfrump, while everyone is trying to be gentle andbeating around the bush, nobody has told you straight up what you need to understand.

 

This relationship was dysfunctional. Your needs were not being met, not even a little bit. It was all about you pleasing and appeasing and trying to work around her issues... serious issues (cutting, self-harm are unmistakable symptoms). You were assuming role of caretaker and walker of eggshells. It was tenuous. You were trying to guess how to interact with her to keep from triggering her. You didn't have productive conversations/communication because she'd sidestep your questions and ghost you. This was all about filling her void––for both you and her. It's like trying to fill a bucket with a teaspoon when the bucket has no bottom.

 

I'm glad you're going to therapy. Has your therapist used the word codependency? This is when someone has such a low sense of self-worth that they are willing to subjugate their own needs in an effort to win the appreciation/approval/acceptance of another who is so needy that they can't see or think of anything except their own needs. She has no ability to be outwardly focused and love another person because her needs are so extreme and intense. She can only take. You have the inverse problem –– you don't believe you deserve to have your needs met by another person, so you give, give, give with no reciprocity.

 

I know this is a tough time for you, and I am sorry if this info is too straight to be comfortable and affirming. But I think you need to start dealing with it asap. Take what I wrote to your therapist and ask him/her to discuss it with you.

 

Oh yes, you are lucky that she broke it off because I don't believe you could've even if you had wanted to. I hope all future relationships are healthy ones in which your needs are being met as well. This is the goal you should be working on now. Best of luck to you!

[stockyoldfrump]

So, against everyone's advice, I made the decision to respond to her e-mail. After I stopped analyzing what she wanted from the e-mail, I found that the one thing I could be absolutely certain of as someone who knows her was that, in large part, the message was motivated by guilt. She's an incredibly guilt-driven person and has pretty substantial emotional reactions to those feelings. She treated me terribly during the breakup and I think it's obvious she was looking for an assurance that she hadn't done something unforgivable. In understanding that, I began feeling increasingly guilty every day I didn't respond because I felt that, if it didn't make me feel better to not reply, I should be big enough to give her some assurance that there were no hard feelings. I took this issue to my therapist and she told me that I had to measure what I gained from not answering the e-mail against what I risked in responding. I didn't feel good not answering and, in fact, was feeling worse and worse the longer it sat there. Given that, I decided that - at the very least - responding would allow me to know that I tried to give her the absolution she needed.

 

My therapist and I had another conversation and we determined that, if I was to respond, I didn't give any more than I had to. I knew I didn't want to encourage longer conversation or give her much info on myself. I wanted to address her general questions without giving specifics, and I wanted to avoid looking weak/pathetic without lying.

 

So, eventually, I sent her this:

 

"Dear ______,

 

Thank you for your well wishes. Right now, I am very busy pushing myself to grow in every way and have found that process rewarding.

 

As you know, I care about you very, very much. I hope every day that you are healthy and happy and that the many things you've worked so hard for are starting to come to fruition."

 

The original e-mail was much longer, more personable and more giving. I made jokes and apologized multiple times. Discussions with my therapists pruned it down to this. I felt like she might read it as passive aggressive to send something so brief, but my therapist reminded me that my response should be dictated by what I want to say not how she might respond. She told me that, if this is all I'm comfortable saying right now, then this is what I should send.

 

As you can tell, I'm verbose by nature, so this feels very curt to me. But I think it met most my goals and doesn't encourage further conversation. It's obvious I don't hate her, but doesn't beg her to take me back. I answer the question about "how I'm doing" truthfully, but don't explicitly suggest that I'm a wreck. I also don't disavow my own experiences by lying and saying everything is great. In those ways, I'm objectively satisfied. I suppose she could respond and say something that will sting in some way, but I'm hoping she leaves this be. If not, I am prepared to say more clearly that I am still not interested in communicating. I feel weird to have broken NC after being really, really tough about it through a torturous first month, but I can take solace in knowing I didn't reach out to her and have no intention to. I also know that I gave very, very little in my reply and did so in a way that reiterated in brevity and content the need for space that I explicitly outlined already.

 

So, that being said,... did I/How badly did I mess up?

 

 

Stockyoldfrump, while everyone is trying to be gentle andbeating around the bush, nobody has told you straight up what you need to understand.

 

This relationship was dysfunctional. Your needs were not being met, not even a little bit. It was all about you pleasing and appeasing and trying to work around her issues... serious issues (cutting, self-harm are unmistakable symptoms). You were assuming role of caretaker and walker of eggshells. It was tenuous. You were trying to guess how to interact with her to keep from triggering her. You didn't have productive conversations/communication because she'd sidestep your questions and ghost you. This was all about filling her void––for both you and her. It's like trying to fill a bucket with a teaspoon when the bucket has no bottom.

 

I'm glad you're going to therapy. Has your therapist used the word codependency? This is when someone has such a low sense of self-worth that they are willing to subjugate their own needs in an effort to win the appreciation/approval/acceptance of another who is so needy that they can't see or think of anything except their own needs. She has no ability to be outwardly focused and love another person because her needs are so extreme and intense. She can only take. You have the inverse problem –– you don't believe you deserve to have your needs met by another person, so you give, give, give with no reciprocity.

 

I know this is a tough time for you, and I am sorry if this info is too straight to be comfortable and affirming. But I think you need to start dealing with it asap. Take what I wrote to your therapist and ask him/her to discuss it with you.

 

Oh yes, you are lucky that she broke it off because I don't believe you could've even if you had wanted to. I hope all future relationships are healthy ones in which your needs are being met as well. This is the goal you should be working on now. Best of luck to you!

 

Wow, this is great advice. I'm sorry I didn't read it earlier. I really appreciate you being blunt and straightforward. That's why I came to this forum with this in the first place. It's hard for friends to ever really give you straight advice because they're either coddling you or actively pushing you away from someone they don't like. I feel like, if anything, these responses have been more measured and blunt, but also more sympathetic toward her because they take into account the objective truths of the situation without any emotional prejudice against her.

 

I agree that the dynamic you outlined was the one at play. I do consider myself to have codependent tendencies, and it's been something that I have addressed with multiple therapists, both before and after her. My current therapist and I are talking about it and, in fact, one of the primary things we're working on now is reframing the things "I wish she'd given me" as things "I refuse to do without," so as to recontextualize my understanding of relationships as an active quest for personal fulfillment rather than a passive subjugation to the whims of another person.

 

I think that our respective issues allowed us to fall into our most unhealthy extremes as individuals, and - big picture - that's why the dynamic was unsustainable. I wish I could have this conversation with her, because it's very clear in retrospect. It sucks because, aside from the aforementioned problems, we were incredibly alike and compatible in almost every way and I've never really shared the type of chemistry I had with her with anyone else.

 

I think it's too extreme to let go of any small glimmer of hope of one day being with her, but - after four weeks - I'm definitely at the point where, even if she were to ask for us to be together, I'd turn it down. She's nowhere near ready and neither am I. On the plus side, I am committed to learning from this relationship and taking active steps to grow, both in terms of addressing my psychological proclivities with a therapist and examining individual shortcomings, both in the relationship and personally, in order to strengthen myself. I wish I could say she'd do the same, but I fear perhaps the one benefit of my lacking self worth is that it makes me damned open to self criticism. That's never been the case with her.

 

Still, until she or gets married to someone else or I find a new serious relationship, I will always have a tiny piece of my heart that hopes she'll invest the time she needs to fix her issues and then reach out. The other 99% of me will know it's a fantasy, but I'm selfishly keeping that breadcrumb in the back of my head because of how deeply I love her.

 

But I've spent the last three weeks really pulling my **** together. I am doing therapy twice a week and being completely honest, vulnerable and aggressive. I am applying to a minimum of ten jobs daily in hopes of really boosting my self-esteem with a stronger career. I am doing crossfit daily and am in the best shape I've been in in years. I've nearly finished my PhD documents and feel confident in what I've prepared. I've even joined a local basketball league. So, when I say in the e-mail that I'm focused on myself, at least I can say that, while she's in my head always, my efforts have been disciplined and true. And ultimately something good will come from that and, when it does, I'll know I made it happen for myself. That's exciting and makes me feel like I am in the process of gaining something from the pain.

Edited July 24, 2017 by stockyoldfrump

[salparadise]

My current therapist and I are talking about it and, in fact, one of the primary things we're working on now is reframing the things "I wish she'd given me" as things "I refuse to do without," so as to recontextualize my understanding of relationships as an active quest for personal fulfillment rather than a passive subjugation to the whims of another person.

 

Wonderful. I hope you are successful and develop your own set of baseline expectations and assertiveness.

 

It sucks because, aside from the aforementioned problems, we were incredibly alike and compatible in almost every way and I've never really shared the type of chemistry I had with her with anyone else.

 

Well, you were incredibly compatible in that the infatuation was strong (on your end) and she knew exactly how to pull your strings and make you miserable. Don't confuse that with love, differentiate between them.

 

I am committed to learning from this relationship and taking active steps to grow, both in terms of addressing my psychological proclivities with a therapist and examining individual shortcomings, both in the relationship and personally, in order to strengthen myself. I wish I could say she'd do the same, but I fear perhaps the one benefit of my lacking self worth is that it makes me damned open to self criticism. That's never been the case with her.

 

Right. People with her type of dysfunction cannot tolerate criticism or introspection. Instead, they use projection. And people like you take it to heart. She won't change because she can't; it's too fundamental to her personality now. Plus, she doesn't have the tools (introspection).

 

The other 99% of me will know it's a fantasy, but I'm selfishly keeping that breadcrumb in the back of my head because of how deeply I love her.

 

You were/are attached and infatuated. She takes and does not reciprocate. You give and give, but receive nothing. Not even a modicum appreciation. That's not love. That's being the yen for her yang in a dysfunctional relationship. This should be part of your new understanding and reframing.

 

Good luck to you. I love it that you are doing the hard work with a therapist.

Edited July 24, 2017 by salparadise

[MarvelFan1]

At the end of the day Stocky, you can ask for all the advice under the sun, but it's what makes you happy, even if we, or anyone thinks it's madness, if it helps you, then go for it.

 

But if it does all go wayward and it is a mistake, as my mother would say, "You can't tell people, sometimes they need to find out for themselves", and believe me, I have been down that route.

 

I used to ignore the advice from my family, friends and peers, and I usually came off worse, but in my last relationship, for once I analysed everything and listened to everyone, and thank heavens I did, and stayed NC, otherwise who knows what hell I could have gone back too, because I was lonely.

[stockyoldfrump]

I mean, I'm listening to everyone in the sense that I am not pursuing her. I'm not reaching out and I'm not begging for her to take me back, much as I want to many days. My response to her e-mail was composed with restraint being the first priority, because I am actively trying not to embarrass or weaken myself. Not because I'm too proud, but because it's important for me that I demonstrate to myself that my feelings, experiences, and emotions also matter.

 

I do love her and I can't stop that, regardless of how objectively aware I am of the dysfunction. I feel differently after a month, obviously. The love feels distant and impossible. It's not like the beginning, when I could close my eyes and imagine her sitting next to me or woke up every morning expecting to hear from her. It doesn't feel like something that could be slid back into anymore, but it's still there. Given the way I feel about other people from my past, I doubt it'll ever totally dissipate, but I am capable of moving forward.

[Novz]

 

I'm trying to get over her as much as possible, not bother her, but also leave things at the most advantageous stage (which is still relatively not promising, don't get me wrong) in case some miraculous circumstance makes reconciliation possible down the road.

 

 

Mean it. Move on and get over with it.

[stockyoldfrump]

Again, thanks for all the advice in this thread. I've had a really, really rough few days and have just totally fallen into a deep, deep depression over her absence from my life. I have continued functioning as best I can, but there have been a few times where getting out of bed has been really difficult. It's now been roughly 5 weeks since the breakup.

 

As I noted earlier, I replied to her email by saying:

 

"Dear _______,

 

Thank you for your well wishes. Right now, I am very busy pushing myself to grow in every way and have found that process rewarding.

 

As you know, I care about you very, very much. I hope every day that you are healthy and happy and that the many things you've worked so hard for are starting to come to fruition."

 

Initially I felt good about it and felt it was a good mix of being cordial, but also protecting myself by not giving too much. However, she didn't respond and now I've started to second guess myself. I feel I wasn't kind enough, was too cold, might leave her feeling like I wouldn't want to be with her in the future, etc. Was it really fair to send something so short more than a week after her initial message? I'm imagining a million scenarios in which she's running my mail by her friends and they're using it to affirm her decision to break up with me. Worse, maybe she doesn't care enough to do even that! The cycle is endless.

 

Such is my misery, that I have composed a second message to send. I know it's a bad idea and makes me look needy and pathetic, but part of me feels like at least I'd be happy with my final correspondence:

 

"Hi _____,

 

I hope I'm not bothering you by sending a second a e-mail so soon. I wanted to write to say that if my last e-mail came across as overly cold or dismissive, that wasn't my intention. It's hard for me to know what to say to you right now, and I had to think a long time before responding at all. I did want to write back so that you didn't think I was angry with you, but I was uncomfortable saying much more than that. I miss you very much too and, on many levels, I'd like to talk to you more. However, I know the healthiest thing for me to do is to continue to focus on my own progress instead. I should have phrased that more completely.

 

You know how much you mean to me, so hopefully you understand that any brevity is only for my own protection. I pray for you every day and do truly hope that you are well. I hope you are enjoying Shark Week."

 

 

As people have said, I should just be moving on entirely. And I am trying to invest as much time in myself as possible. Aside from my brief reply I have been totally no contact since minutes after the breakup, so I've been doing a good job of investing in myself. At the same time, I now have this sense of having left things in a bad way and it's eating away at me. While I know everyone will tell me the relationship was dysfunctional, the person was very special to me. I love her very much and, at the very least, want to leave her with a sense that I care for her and wouldn't treat her in a dismissive fashion.

 

Any feedback on that would be really helpful for me right now. I'm struggling with whether or not to send the second message tomorrow. I guess I'm wondering if my first e-mail, divorced of whatever you might think of her or the relationship I described, was unfairly cold or dismissive. How would you take it if you received such an e-mail after sending what she sent me?

 

Thanks for basically being my therapists minute to minute.

Edited July 28, 2017 by stockyoldfrump

[The411]

Stocky,

 

I'm going to give it to you straight. As someone who was involved with personality disordered woman do not engage with her. Her e-mail is what is known as a Hoover. The purpose is to keep you in the "fog".

 

Your perceived love of her has a lot more to do with your insecurities and nothing to do with her.

 

This woman is a master manipulator that only narcissistic personality disordered men can deal with.

 

Because she has no sense of self she has been essentially acting roles her whole life to trick people into liking her. This illusory mask only comes off when she gets intimate with someone.

 

This woman mirroered your behavior and so you "fell in love" with the female version of yourself just like Narcissus did with Echo in the Greek myth.

 

The problem is that she does this to all men because her sense of worth is based on tricking men and using them for sex, money, power, etc.

 

The key learning points are that there are unresolved issues that you need to address to figure out why you didn't get rid of her when you saw her bad behavior and why you stayed for her abuse.

[stockyoldfrump]

I almost feel like this should be a new post.

 

But I'm experiencing a major backslide.

 

Wednesday was six weeks since the breakup. It was one of my darkest days of the whole ordeal. It was hard for me to get out of bed and I just felt terrible and alone. On Thursday, however, I felt amazing. I had a great therapy session and, for the first time, started feeling like I was really coming out of my funk. On top of that, I got a job interview and began visualizing a new life falling into place after her. It was a revelation!

 

Then today came.

 

I went NC almost immediately after she broke up with me and have been very strong in sticking to it, with the exception of breaking twice to respond to an e-mail she sent me some weeks back. My e-mails were brief (they're in above posts) and neither really invited a reply. She didn't respond to either. Other than that, we haven't had any communication. I have not reached out to her, have not checked any of her social media accounts or researched what she's doing online, have transferred all photos of her to a separate harddrive, have gotten rid of every object that reminded me of her, and have generally been really good about eliminating her from my life in every possible way.

 

Of course, however, I haven't been able to just stop thinking about her. Since I can't afford to go to therapy every day and since my friends aren't really available to talk that much about this, one of my greatest resources has been online forums. They're the only place I've been able to vent without judgment, get feedback that helped me understand what I'm going through, manage the minor crises that have arisen, and otherwise stay sane. To say they've been essentially to my survival over the past six weeks would be an understatement.

 

In addition to this forum, I posted some stuff to relationship forums on reddit under a different name. It's very similar to what I've posted here in that it's not mean, but very thorough. There are no identifying details in terms of her name or anything, but there are specifics of our relationship that I fear she'd not even want me to discuss anonymously. I've tried to be fair about describing the dynamics of our relationship, and have also turned the blame on myself where it's warranted. But the descriptions are not vague and, if they were read by her, she would probably not love the content.

 

As noted above, in response to her initial e-mail to me, I sent her two e-mails and she didn't respond to either. The first was almost two weeks ago and the second was a week ago. I shockingly haven't been particularly bothered by the lack of response beyond wondering why someone who solicited contact would then not respond when I replied back. Today, out of the blue, I started to wonder whether it was possible she had found any of my posts.

 

So I google searched my name and found that my etsy account was one of the results listed on page 2. The name on my etsy account is the same name used on my reddit (stupid, stupid) and I realized that, if she did google me, took the username listed on my etsy account and searched THAT name that she would eventually come across my reddit profile, complete with all of my postings about our break-up. I've known her to do online sleuthing in the past, so this is certainly not beyond the realm of possibility.

 

I've now become convinced that this is what happened and explains why she hasn't responded to my e-mails. If this is true, then she'd definitely be hurt by what I wrote and would also likely think it was creepy and obsessive for me to be writing about her. That thought has sort of undermined the sense of empowerment and progress I've started to feel and has made me a slave to speculation all over again. I deleted all of my posts, but they were up for around 2 and a half weeks. Obviously more than enough time for her to have found them.

 

I'm trying to remind myself that, even if she is hurt, I had a right to post about my situation and my feelings. The posts were anonymous and can't be traced back to her and, while I did mention some incidents and circumstances which I felt were vital to my receiving helpful feedback, I omitted many, many others that I felt might be more sensitive.

 

While I understand that there is no perfect time to break up with someone, she left me at a really low point in my life. I had no job, very little money, most of my friends were inaccessible due to vacations or work, and it was right before a holiday that is a huge emotional trigger for me. I couldn't afford a therapist in the earliest days of the breakup and needed to get my emotions out or I'd go crazy. I actually think that having the resource of this board and the others to which I've posted might've saved me from suffering an emotional breakdown and I can't imagine having gotten through this without it. I promised myself I would not pester her or push her in any way and I left her alone during our breakup. But I did need someone to listen to me, acknowledge my feelings, and help me order my thoughts.

 

I now feel insanely guilty over having posted about our relationship where she could find it. I know that she'd be hurt to read anything even remotely specific about our relationship or anything critical about her. I also know she'd feel very bothered by knowing that I still love her or care this much about the situation. Ultimately, I needed someone to talk to. I needed it. But I don't want to hurt her and hate that I might have.

 

Have any of you guys ever had this fear? It's like the last frontier of dealing with this whole process. You look back on what you desperately needed to survive minute to minute in the earlier moments of the trauma, then feel a new trauma because you wish you hadn't needed those things or, at the very least, acted on them.

Edited August 5, 2017 by stockyoldfrump

[stockyoldfrump]

So, I haven't posted here in a few months, but I'm posting again because recently I have really struggled with feelings of sadness, loss, guilt, and desperation and sort of feel pathetic that I'm enduring such a wave of emotion this far out from the breakup.

 

My whole story is in this thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/629202-going-crazy-over-recent-break-up#post7372954

 

... but, in brief, I dated a girl I deeply loved for around 5 1/2 months. We had been very close friends for years beforehand and I had been in love with her for at least a year before we dated. She had had some rough things happen in her life and wasn't great at communicating, but I tried to be tolerant. I myself had lots of issues with abandonment and so every time she was distance, it made me really anxious. We had a few major miscommunications/bumps in the road and they'd result in her just vanishing for weeks. The last few months of the relationship were kind of a series of complications that we could never resolve because of the lack of conversation. In the end she vanished again and broke up with me after not talking to me for a few weeks. I had begged her to meet up with me and discuss things or at least chat on the phone, but she refused. Eventually, she blamed it on my lack of focus in life, job prospects, etc, but it's hard to say what the real situation was.

 

Having learned from past mistakes, I went NC immediately. She dumped me via text, so my last correspondence with her was a text I sent in reply. After, I blocked her on everything except e-mail. A few days later I sent her an e-mail apologizing for the way I said goodbye, I wished her the best, and said as many affirming things as I could so that she knew how much she meant to me and could take from the relationship the knowledge that she was loved and cared for, even if things weren't perfect. I asked her not to reply and expected that to be the end of it.

 

A few weeks later, she sent me an e-mail asking how I was and telling me she missed me. I replied with one sentence telling her I was focusing on myself and didn't want to be in contact. A few weeks later she sent me another e-mail about my mom's birthday, in which she kind of rambled about how wonderful my mom was and how wonderful I was. I didn't respond to that and blocked her from my e-mail as well, leaving no way of us communicating whatsoever.

 

Fast forward to today. I haven't had any contact with her since she sent me that second e-mail at the beginning of August. I haven't made any attempt to find out about her online or ask any mutual friends about her. I haven't looked at a picture of her since July and I haven't made any attempt to contact or removed any barrier to her contacting me. At this point, there's literally no way she can contact me unless she were send me a physical letter or bump into me in public.

 

And yet, still, I am a wreck. I think about her every single day and often and moved to tears at the enormity of having lost her. I haven't ever felt the way I felt about her about anyone else and feel like, at the risk of being cheesy, she was "the one" and that I blew it by allowing things to fall apart. I feel guilty for the times in which I hurt her and just so, so, so conscious of her absence in my life. I feel guilty for having not been able to stay in her life as a friend to help her with all her problems, but I also know that it's dishonest to pretend to be someone's friend when you want more. I wasn't then, and am still not now, capable of looking at a picture of her without my heart breaking, so I knew a friendship would be dishonest.

 

My own life sort of went into a tailspin since the breakup. I had lost my job right before she broke up with me, which was part of the catalyst for her concerns. I've been applying to jobs non-stop since and have had tons of interviews but haven't landed anything. I'm having a really rough time with my finances. I have an autoimmune disease, which flared up a few months after the breakup and kept me bedridden from August-October. I've tried to get in good shape, but the aforementioned sickness has hampered me. I've tried to make myself more responsible financially, but no matter what I do I can't land a job. I have been going to therapy, which has been good, but in many ways the clarity brought on by those sessions has just left me with a clearer sense of what went wrong and, accordingly, greater frustration over having let it happen. I haven't been able to make much progress in my life and it's almost like time has been standing still. My attitude when she broke up with me was to try to use this as a way of improving myself as a person, but I've failed in that respect. I now look at all of her criticisms and have to admit that she was right to not want me and feel almost guilty for ever having felt deserving of her.

 

At the end of the day, though, I just miss her desperately. Neither of us were very physical people. Most of our love was rooted in talking and being together. We talked for three or four hours every day for three years and she was the person who understood my personality, sense of humor, and insecurities the best. I felt I was very much the same for her, or at least desperately wanted to be. It felt like, once the expectations of a relationship were imposed on that chemistry and love, it became harder for us to communicate. Which I don't understand and lament like mad.

 

A year ago we were finally moving from weirdly inseparable friends who everyone knows are into each other into an actual couple. We went on some Christmas trips and did all sorts of wonderful things that are magical in memory. To be going through an already rough Christmas with my own circumstances and have to remember that time as the most recent comparison is really hard to deal with and there have been many days recently during which I've had a hard time functioning because I'm so depressed and miss her so, so deeply. I've done everything I can to get her out of my head and forced myself to give up on the fantasy of ever being with her again immediately when we broke up, promising myself I would never impose those expectations on her or myself. But, as much as I've given up on it completely, the loss of it feels like a deathblow. When I close her eyes I can hear her voice and see her face as clear as day and would do anything to see her or talk to her again. And yet I know I can't, because - even if she wanted to - it'd only hurt me more.

 

I guess I just needed to vent. All my friends got sick of hearing about her months ago. After all, it was "just" five months. No one understands the role this woman played in my life since 2014 and the degree to which I loved her. I feel I will never be over this. I've only had one other relationship and pined for that woman for almost three years after our four month relationship ended. I was only able to get over her when I met the woman about whom this post is written. And I never cared about the first girlfriend as much as I cared about this one, nor truly connected with her on the same level. I'm not interested in dating as my philosophy is sort of to go about my business and entertain connections only if they present themselves as happenstance, so there's no way of fixing anything or replacing what I've lost. Not that I could if I wanted to, or feel that she's in any way replaceable.

 

I guess I'm also wondering how you guys deal with this in your own lives or what you think I can tell myself to frame this experience differently. I'm sort of dying here.

Edited December 20, 2017 by stockyoldfrump

[Jdoublenn]

((HUGS))

 

I don't really know what to say, and I know nothing I say would help but just know I totally understand how you feel. "Just" 5 months doesn't mean anything. As that quote says, you can feel more for a person you'e known 3 months than one you've known 3 years.

[browzer]

I read your other thread. The relationship was completely dysfunctional and your ex gf has major issues. It never would have worked, had you stayed together and built a family you would have been in for a lifetime of misery.

 

As bad as you feel now, if you had stayed together you would feel indescribably worse. Over time you'll start to feel better. Just keep it moving forward and the rest of it will fall into place.

 

It is a bit of a concern how hard you're taking this. You were together for less than 6 months, I know you were friends before but you seem to be taking this thing really hard. She was a really messed up individual with LOTS of issues.

 

Don't glamorize her or the relationship, it really wasn't that good.