Would like to date my first cousin, any chances of relationship here?

[SpontaneousPUA]

Hello everyone.

 

Iam 33 and Iam dating my 23 year old cousin. She is 22. By "dating" I mean that we go out together very often and I really like her. But I've never told this to anyone...not to even to her! I live in a country where first cousin marriage is not allowed from church and socially is not good at all.

 

I met her for the first time after she finished high school so we were already quite old. We never grew up together, and that's the biggest issue for anyone else out there dating his/her cousins. I have studied lots of stories and biological researches and seen that while normal kids have a 2% chance of having genetic deceases, first cousins' kids have +6-7% chance to be born with health/mental issues. It's like going to a casino with a 93-94% chance of winning while having kids with everyone else means a 98% of winning. Worth the risk? Let's see.

 

Both me and my cousin are singles for a while. We have some similar characteristics like cheeks, jaw and forehead, but totally different skin, eyes etc. Someone really has to tell you that we are cousins, otherwise it's hard to understand. Also we have a 10 year old difference.

 

Why her? Well I had many relationships in my life and all women until now were extreme selfish, arrogant, extravagant, were s**t testing me all the time or wanted rich men. On the other hand she is so low profile, polite, honest, shy, cute, easy-going, likes to work a lot and offer a lot to everyone. She is the type of person I'd love to be with. If I look back in over 20 relationships that I had till now she looks like being above the others.

 

We always greet each other with a double cheek kiss and she is always smiling at me more than anyone else. Sometimes when I talk she even looks me in the lips for many seconds. Also, when she had a relationship and I became single (way before her) I was asking her that we go out with friends so that I can meet her friends, but she always avoided inviting me. Beside all those I haven't seen any other signs of interest from her side. She also told me 2 quotes about a month ago, which showed that she is not interested. The one was "When are you going to get married so that you invite me to your marriage?" (and she laughed) and the other one was "Are you sure that you want us to dance like this? Because there are only couples around us". Well that was one month ago. I don't know if she has disqualified me or if she hasn't even examined in her mind if she wants me or not, just because I am her cousin. We both know that if our parents, uncles and cousins learn about us they are going to be really mad.

 

She broke up with her ex recently after many years of relationship. She typically goes out with him as she has decided that "they have no future" and that "there is no chance to be with him again". I also broke up last year and had several small relationships but none of those women can reach her beauty and kindness.

 

I don't negotiate on whether I will make a move or not because I have already made up my mind. I just don't know the correct timing. I don't give a f**k about that 6-7% of failure having children with her. If I don't express my feelings now that we are young, when we get older it will be much harder for both of us. I think of her every day and I tell her some kind things, like "You are very beautiful in these photos", "I am sure that guy was hooking into you at the bar and not your friends" or "I always like to protect you from everyone", but I don't tell her straight away how I feel. I am not fortifying the castle through the front door. I just wait for the guards to get sleep and then do my stealth attack.

 

During the last weeks we go out more often than ever for coffee, food, drinking, dancing, cinema etc. I once threw her a neg, like "You are not good enough at this" and she was both shocked but at the same time smiled. "Not good enough? Me? Oh come oon". She repeated that like 3 times during 1 hour, like she wanted to qualify her to me. Also, in Facebook sometimes we have an instant reply chat for 30 minutes straight, and some other times she might respond after 2-3 hours even if she appears like online. But she works all day like me and she has tons of messages as she switched her status to "Single", so not quite sure about how important I am to her.

 

The bottom line: Behind all this I know that if she doesn't like me, and if I tell her exactly how I feel or just give an idea that I want to be with her, then she is going to tell this to her mother, then my uncle, then all families are going to learn about that, so I will be ripped off. On the other hand, we all know that if a man doesn't look confident and sure about how much he wants a woman, then she won't easily come into him.

 

It's like walking in a minefield. So instead of walking in this minefield, I just make my moves around it. When I met her for the first time some years ago, when we both had our relationships, I told her "If I was meeting you and didn't know that you are my first cousin I would make a move on you" (like a push-pull). She said "Okay". I was driving so I didn't see if she was smiling or not. Do you think that she still remembers that?

 

Anyway sorry for the huge post. What do you think about all this? We are about to go out for Christmas in a few days and Iam thinking ways of approaching her. If you were a girl, do you consider dating your first cousin 1-2 times per week as a flirt or just an innocent habit? During the last weeks, there have been many times when we go out together and she didn't tell this to her ex but she confessed when he called her while we were out (why hiding it? strange). We date so often now that we both don't tell this to anyone. Also keep in mind that she was showing me some music video clips in her PC and when she accidentally opened her Facebook tab, she instantly closed all the chat windows so that I don't see what she was writing. In one of those windows she was speaking to her ex-boyfriend. Is this normal if she considers me only as a cousin? Usually I hide my Facebook chat windows if I am interested in a woman and dont' want to reveal that I flirt with others as well. Her ex also deleted me from Facebook so there is a small chance that he is pissed off when she chats with her, because I see her more than he does!

 

Finally, the bottom line: I don't know how to speak to her...about us. I am thinking about quotes like "I wish other women had your character". Still not straight, but giving her an idea on how I feel....until she eventually says "Are you thinking me as only your cousin?" (which I doubt). I just wait her to give me a sign. So can you enlighten me about all this?

Edited December 19, 2017 by SpontaneousPUA

[browzer]

I suggest being more direct. I understand you won't come right out and ask her to go out with you because you lack confidence and self esteem and basically you're afraid.

 

So rachet it down a bit.

 

Tell her you've been reading articles about first cousins dating and getting involved and having kids and how it's really not as weird as it sounds even though some state and local laws prohibit it, and what does she think of cousins dating each other?

 

Maybe even throw in a bit of humor and say "Two first cousins who have a child together have an almost 100% chance of it being born with only one head".

[RecentChange]

1. Do you think that she will be willing to date you give the extreme social pressure not to do such a thing? Do you think she could tell her friends and family she is dating her first cousin without extreme shame?

 

2. The odds of birth defect are for the general population, you don't know what YOUR odds are with her unless you both get complete genetic screenings. For all you know your family carries a horrible, recessive gene that has never surfaced, as two family members have not procreated previously. Recessive genes just love an opportunity like this to surface.

 

First cousin marriages are frowned upon for a reason.

[BaileyB]

Two of my first cousins actually married. Let's just say, there were many opinions about the relationship and a lot of conflict in the extended family. Not unexpectedly, the relationship did not last very long...

 

As someone who works with kids with disabilities, having children with your first cousin is a definite NO. On all the physician and genetics reports, it is written in big, bold letter... "Parents are FIRST COUSINS." It explains so much...

 

So, I would say, don't go there...

[Yosemite]

You’re not “dating” your first cousin, maybe in your mind you are, but, as far as she is concerned, she’s hanging out with her family member.

 

Most people view first cousin relationships as incest and it’s extremely unlikely that she’ll want to get involved in that type of relationship.

 

I was asking her that we go out with friends so that I can meet her friends, but she always avoided inviting me.

 

She probably didn’t want her older cousin hanging out with her and her same age friends. I wouldn’t take that as a sign of interest.

 

I don't give a f**k about that 6-7% of failure having children with her.

 

You don’t, but there’s a good chance that she will. Besides, she’s only 22, she may not want marriage and kids for another 7 or 8 years.

 

Behind all this I know that if she doesn't like me, and if I tell her exactly how I feel or just give an idea that I want to be with her, then she is going to tell this to her mother, then my uncle, then all families are going to learn about that, so I will be ripped off.

 

Exactly, your family’s going to think that you’re the freak that tried to get with your younger cousin and you’ll have to live with that reputation for the rest of your life. Soooo not worth it. And it’s not going to just affect you, it could cause major drama to the point where your parents and siblings may not be invited to family functions anymore.

 

Also keep in mind that she was showing me some music video clips in her PC and when she accidentally opened her Facebook tab, she instantly closed all the chat windows so that I don't see what she was writing. In one of those windows she was speaking to her ex-boyfriend. Is this normal if she considers me only as a cousin?

 

Yes, because she doesn’t want you spreading her business to all your family members. You innocently mention something to your mom, who tells your cousin’s mom, who tells grandma and eventually everyone knows everything. That’s how most families work.

 

Her ex also deleted me from Facebook so there is a small chance that he is pissed off when she chats with her, because I see her more than he does!

 

I doubt it. Incest doesn’t enter most people’s mind, they don’t even consider it. So, he wouldn’t think of her cousin as competition no matter how much time you spend with her. The more likely explanation is that he’s her ex and doesn’t want her family members on his Facebook anymore. Makes perfect sense and you’re probably not the only family member that he deleted.

 

I don't know how to speak to her...about us.

 

I don’t know of any way to bring this up, it creeps most people out.

 

BTW, there is no “us,” stop thinking of you and your cousin as a couple because you aren’t one.

[browzer]

Exactly, your family’s going to think that you’re the freak that tried to get with your younger cousin and you’ll have to live with that reputation for the rest of your life. Soooo not worth it. And it’s not going to just affect you, it could cause major drama to the point where your parents and siblings may not be invited to family functions anymore.

 

Excellent point right here, as were several others in the same post.

 

You better keep your kissing cousin fantasy to yourself or you will be ostrasized for being a freak and as suggested, it could cause a rift of some magnitude between the families.

 

Find yourself another playmate. At least once removed.

[grays]

Im not too bothered by the idea of cousins being in love but that's probably because I have no cousins or anunts/uncles or siblings.

 

But I am a parent. And I understand that as a childless person you don't see 6 or 7% likelihood of something bad happening with your future child as being so terrible, if you actually had a child, you'd be horrified by it. When my older son was a baby, he had a symptom that was no big deal in itself but the docs were saying he had a 1% chance of having a brain tumor behind his right eye. For two and a half years we had to go have that eye looked at every three months and they didnt decide for sure that he was fine till he was almost 3 1/2. It was torture!

 

You would never, never take that kind of xhance with your child's life or happiness if you already knew him or her or had other children.

[sdraw108]

Have you considered that if/when this hypothetical relationship fails (bearing in mind the odds are high considering her age), you're going to mess up your family situation in a really big way?

 

The reasons you give for wanting to date her are not really convincing. She isn't the only girl in the world who displays those qualities.

[RecentChange]

I am imagining how skeeved out this 22 year old would be if she knew her older cousin was fantasizing about her - and wanting a relationship her.

[JuneL]

I'm not sure why there was such a big focus on the kids thing. It's obvious your cousin only sees you like a young uncle. The first thing that stood out upon reading your post was your age difference, which in itself might not be such a huge deal. Now add the fact that you're family, and the whole thing just becomes totally creepy. Seriously, you're gonna creep the hell out of her.

Edited December 20, 2017 by JuneL

[sdraw108]

I'm not sure why there was such a big focus on the kids thing. It's obvious your cousin only sees you like a young uncle. The first thing that stood out upon reading your post was your age difference, which in itself might not be such a huge deal. Now add the fact that you're family, and the whole thing just becomes totally creepy. Seriously, you're gonna creep the hell out of her.

 

It's even more creepy when you consider that he first had an interest in her right after she finished high school!

[edgygirl]

FIRST cousin? Is that legal???

[Arieswoman]

In UK marrying your cousin is legal.

 

However,

 

First cousin marriages in Pakistani communities leading to 'appalling' disabilities among children - Telegraph

 

https://www.theguardian.com/science/2013/jul/04/marriage-first-cousins-birth-defects

[SpontaneousPUA]

In Pakistan and several other countries close to there it is so common, almost a tradition to marry first and second cousins, that parents even "force" their kids to do it. This causes lots of birth defects as parents and grandparents are all related, so the recessive genes multiply from one generation to an other. We have no other related couples in our family trees. Both our parents and grandparents are not related between them.

 

Also here's a list of famous coupled cousins:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_coupled_cousins

 

 

1. Do you think that she will be willing to date you give the extreme social pressure not to do such a thing? Do you think she could tell her friends and family she is dating her first cousin without extreme shame?

 

2. The odds of birth defect are for the general population, you don't know what YOUR odds are with her unless you both get complete genetic screenings. For all you know your family carries a horrible, recessive gene that has never surfaced, as two family members have not procreated previously. Recessive genes just love an opportunity like this to surface.

 

First cousin marriages are frowned upon for a reason.

 

I am imagining how skeeved out this 22 year old would be if she knew her older cousin was fantasizing about her - and wanting a relationship her.

 

Nobody would learn this as we live in a very big city.

 

And of course IF we were together after some years, then we would think of doing a DNA test. But that's too far to even think about. What I would want to do is understand if she is/will feel the same as I do or if she sees me completely as a cousin. We haven't grown up together so there is nothing obvious in our relationship. And it's not that "Guys are always looking for sex and hook into their cousins more often". Search the Internet and you will find many women who open posts like this. But of course nobody backfires them as much as you do just because they are women and we are the "rapists" here. BS.

 

If in the back of her mind I am not 100% cousin but something else then I am curious to know. I don't want us being me 45 and her 35 years old and discussing this matter in the future, because then the situation is going to be really bad for many reasons (including reproduction). Our chances now that we are still young are much better. We might even try, take precautions and normally break up without anyone knowing what happened.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I've had an older cousin with inappropriate feelings (and also actions) toward me. It's scarring for life. Just leave this woman alone. I know you're both adults, but sweet Jesus. Leave her alone.

[jjgitties]

But seriously, I don't think 1st cousins are allowed or supposed to get married of have sex. I think its on par with brothers and sisters..

 

Maybe distant cousins is okay.. but I dont know.

[BaileyB]

It doesn't seem like OP is particuarly interested in hearing any advice or opinions that don't support this relationship. He seems pretty determined to proceed according to his plan.

[Gr8fuln2020]

At first, I thought this was some troll, but he seems serious.

 

Icky, really. First cousin? [shiver]

[Kelliousme]

I think the first and foremost important thing to consider is if she likes you back. I mean, if she doesn't then it'll be VERY awkward and can even disgust her and make her stay away from you forever lol.

 

Now other than that.. if it's legal and no family members will stand in the way, I don't see why not. You guys are blood related though so speaking in terms of having babies and whatnot, the chances of having birth defects is higher. Just a few things to consider..