Nosib1973 Posted December 19, 2017 Posted December 19, 2017 I'll try to summarize this one... My GF is long distance... Have a history of over 2 years... I'm crazy about her love and care about her and she about me as far as I'm led to believe (although we had broke up once in the past it came back around and we got back together). Recently she has some big life changes and decision making to do and she really has been under A LOT of stress. She's very conflicted and confused as a direction to take on her life (but that was never about us to my knowledge). Well recently our communication has become much more strained and difficult due to her circumstances. And I began to feel things were unequal and disrespected bc of the poor level of communication. And this all started to get really poor very soon after the last time I saw her (but it was getting harder before that too due to her stress). We had been talking about our next trip to see each other which she had initially brought up. But she was caught up in her circumstances and could never further commit to it... She talk about it but never commit to plans. This was very frustrating for me as I need something to look forward to for this to work. So I pushed her on it and she finally said no she could not do the next trip. So I said "what do we have then?" "Not much" I said as well. I told her I was disappointed and that it felt like she wasn't that interested in putting in effort. She didn't respond to that at all. Two days later she texts and said: "I'm not moving on... I'm just out of options. I hope you're doing ok" And then asks if we can at least "just be friends". I wait a day and tell her I'm fine but disappointed. But I tell her "friends is not what I'm into with her" and that I'm only interested romantically. She responds with "this just sucks. I understand. But it's just I have my own issues too". I say: "it depends if you want to navigate them together?" I never heard anything back and that was 12 days ago. I've looked at the no contact stuff online. Which I think is a good strategy. But it always says no contact if you got dumped or didn't want the break up. Well it seems to me neither of these explicitly happened here. We just kind of quit communicating. Or is she the "dumper" or one who broke it off bc she couldn't make plans? Or was I the one who ended it because I told her I couldn't be friends?? Even though I wanted to keep working on things? Looking for some input on how to handle this. Thanks
Zahara Posted December 19, 2017 Posted December 19, 2017 She passively ended the relationship. She offered you friendship. I would say that demotion is indicative of the relationship being over.
Author Nosib1973 Posted December 19, 2017 Author Posted December 19, 2017 Even though one of the last things she said to me was "she's NOT moving on"? Would it be a bad move or weak in my part to reach out in a month to just talk?
browzer Posted December 19, 2017 Posted December 19, 2017 She's the dumper. You do not contact her. EVER. If and when you hear from her you'll have to decide on the fly how you want to handle it. But don't count on it.
xaviercross Posted December 19, 2017 Posted December 19, 2017 I like the last text you sent her. It shows that you are there to support her and did what you could. If she's not reaching out that's her choice. It sounds like she needs space and time? Unfortunately by the time she comes around, who knows when that will be. I think you need to rely on what you know about her character. Is she likely to welcome you reaching out to her? She might be reticent to reach out to you because she can't offer you anything at the moment and she doesn't want to hurt you with her indecision. I think if you know that if you're going to wonder about this and not move on, communication is best. Gets rid of assumptions. But are you prepared to move on if it's the same kinda response? The NC thing is kind of if you want that person to come back to you (or to move on yourself). And my bet is that she will eventually. She'll think about things and realise she made a mistake. But it doesn't generally fix things. I imagine you'll probably resent that she went MIA on you. 1
Author Nosib1973 Posted December 19, 2017 Author Posted December 19, 2017 Is it really that cut and dried? I'm mean I believe the reason things came to a standstill was bc of her circumstances... Lots of stress and not being able to handle me in the equation I guess... Or having nothing left to give. We didn't have some argument. We were just talking about seeing each other for a short trip in Vegas days before. Is it wrong to talk ONCE and see if there's a path forward? I WILL NOT change my mind on the it being friend zoned. She has plenty of guys who'll fill that role for her... Not me.
browzer Posted December 19, 2017 Posted December 19, 2017 Is it wrong to talk ONCE and see if there's a path forward? I WILL NOT change my mind on the it being friend zoned. She has plenty of guys who'll fill that role for her... Not me. There's nothing wrong with it at all, you can do whatever you want it's a free country and you are breaking no laws. Here's 2 big reasons why you might want to reconsider. 1- Some day you'll look back at this whole thing and if you do the whole desperation chasing thing, which is EXACTLY what you will be doing if you contact her again, you won't be very happy with yourself, and there it will be, in the back of your mind, forever. Whereas if you just walk away with your head high you can live with yourself and know that you didn't resort to the clingy, desperate stalker behavior that so many guys have done. 2- "IF" she is considering contacting you or giving things another chance, by you calling her it will paradoxically push her away. If she's thinking about returning to you, a lot of it is the attraction of the mystery. "What is he thinking? Does he miss me? Did he meet someone else? Now suddenly the phone rings and there you are thinly disguised as "just reaching out" but really coming across as "I just can't let you go I'm a needy clingy freak" and all her feelings -if they exist at all- will be obliterated. If she wants back in- she knows where to find you. She didn't lose your number. So it's not "wrong" and no one will judge you- except you. And it may be counterproductive to your goal of somehow getting back with her. 1
Author Nosib1973 Posted December 20, 2017 Author Posted December 20, 2017 So Bowzer, not saying your advice isn't good. But you consider ONE call after many NC weeks clingy desperate stalkerish? This was a 2+ year relationship... Not 2 months.
browzer Posted December 20, 2017 Posted December 20, 2017 So Bowzer, not saying your advice isn't good. But you consider ONE call after many NC weeks clingy desperate stalkerish? This was a 2+ year relationship... Not 2 months. Ok maybe not desperate and stalkerish. It's just not something you really want to be doing.
Jdoublenn Posted December 20, 2017 Posted December 20, 2017 I just want to add that "I am NOT moving on" is usually indicative that they are or they want to, they just don't want to hurt your feelings or push you too far away in case they want to come back later. 2
Author Nosib1973 Posted December 20, 2017 Author Posted December 20, 2017 I like the last text you sent her. It shows that you are there to support her and did what you could. If she's not reaching out that's her choice. It sounds like she needs space and time? Unfortunately by the time she comes around, who knows when that will be. I think you need to rely on what you know about her character. Is she likely to welcome you reaching out to her? She might be reticent to reach out to you because she can't offer you anything at the moment and she doesn't want to hurt you with her indecision. I think if you know that if you're going to wonder about this and not move on, communication is best. Gets rid of assumptions. But are you prepared to move on if it's the same kinda response? The NC thing is kind of if you want that person to come back to you (or to move on yourself). And my bet is that she will eventually. She'll think about things and realise she made a mistake. But it doesn't generally fix things. I imagine you'll probably resent that she went MIA on you. Xaviercross, I think you have some good insight here. Would she be receptive to me reaching out? Generally yes. Does she feel she has nothing to give to me now and that's holding her back? Yes I think this is quite likely. Will my reaching out to her cause me more frustration? Entirely possible if she's not able to go forward with me. This, the others here who say not to also have a good point. And at the end of the day it's only going to work if she can put in as much as in willing to. It does just stink when you really loved and care for someone...She was who I'd thought I'd waited forever for.. And it "ends" with no big blow up or fight at all.
xaviercross Posted December 21, 2017 Posted December 21, 2017 Yeah two years is a long time. And relationships are all about communication and relying on the other to get through the hard times. When someone shuts down, it becomes real hard to do that and it’s not very nice treatment. Particularly when it’s long distance and you have no idea what’s happening in their day. If she’s not thinking about how she is impacting you, you need to think about yourself.
ExpatInItaly Posted December 21, 2017 Posted December 21, 2017 What are these stressful circumstances she's under?
Author Nosib1973 Posted December 21, 2017 Author Posted December 21, 2017 She has to move out of her small town away from her 2 kids still in HS because of the situation there with her ex husband. He never could let go of the divorce and used anyway he could to try to manipulate her and make her life difficult. Hed use money to manipulate the relationship she has with her kids... Withhold child support etc. She also wanted to move to try for a better paying job and one where her boss wasn't always hitting on her (she's a very attractive 42 yr old). But after she moved away from the hometown things for us just got worse. Except that I did see her in her new town and that time together was amazing as usual. It's after the last trip that things really went down hill communication wise for us. She at that time (early NOV) went back home to visit the kids and she been there ever since... Living with friends and stuff. I just wanted to be there for encouragement and support but she basically started letting communication dwindle till it got really poor.
springy Posted December 22, 2017 Posted December 22, 2017 She broke up with you. Reach out if you want but she already told you what she was willing to offer - friendship. I think she is trying to spare your feelings as much as possible, hence not responding to your last plea and silence since. I don’t see trying to push this any further going very far. Sorry.
Author Nosib1973 Posted December 22, 2017 Author Posted December 22, 2017 My question then is what would explain very affirmative words (such as I love you, your the only man I could ever be with, etc) DURING the time when communication got harder? And what would explain HER bringing up the next time to see her before communication just stopped? I can almost 100 percent say I didn't do anything to make her make this decision to just quit.
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