Lessons to be learned.

[Freethinkers]

This site was a great help to me when I first split up with my ex. Thought I'd pop by and give you the benefit of experience and time now in the hope that if you ever come across something similar you might be able to recognise it and get out whilst you can.

 

My ex promised me the world and made me so unbelievably happy for a couple of years then out of the blue started fading/ghosting me via Facebook messenger and refused any communication. We were both in our 30's - I thought this sort of behaviour only came frominexperienced boys - not fully grown men with professional jobs and children!

 

With no answers from him and no clue of what or why this was going on it made me question myself - what have I done that made me deserve this treatment? Has our whole blissfully perfect relationship just been a lie? How could he be declaring his undying, unconditional love for me one minute and then be telling me he never wants me to contact him again the next?

 

Was I to blame? Was my calling him out on being a **** person for treating me so used and worthless unjustified? Is it unreasonable to ask why? Why won't you talk to me? You know I love you, How can you do this?

He twisted everything I said, how could I call him a user? How very disappointing I am! He didn't have to put up with this 'emotional abuse' This shocked me, is that really what he thought? I mean I'll take irrational, I'll take emotional .... but abusive? Really?

 

'Can't talk - I'm busy with work'

'I've got my kids right now'

'I'm in a bad place' ...and worst of all the excuses:

'My friend has just committed suicide'

(Not only was that last statement an unbelievable lie but coincidently THREE WEEKS later someone he knew did commit suicide.... he then had the audacity to use that to his advantage..... I am of course a judgemental monster for not giving him time to grieve)

 

I'm blocked, on everything... FOREVER.

 

He could however, talk to his new girlfriend, who appeared out of nowhere and whom he proposed to within a month....?! Wtf?!

 

Is my personality a problem? Should I have been More patient? Have I bought this all on myself? Did I make it so difficult to talk to me that it was easier just to lie for months and months....not just lie, but actually keep up a facade of some fairytale relationship? How is this normal? How have I been so easily fooled - why were there no red flags? Why did my gut not tell me something wasn't right with this man? I would have bet my life that this man was genuine!! How can I even trust myself, let alone anyone else!?

 

He must really hate me.

 

My ex was a damaged human being, he was open about his abusive childhood and past relationships he'd cut off all ties with his family and was bitter and vengeful towards these people - Its just in my nature to feel sorry for him and want to love him more and make it all better.

 

He behaved like a chameleon moulding himself to whatever situation or lady he finds himself with - he was quite simply too good to be true. Everything I liked/didn't like he did too - everything I wanted - he wanted too, it was a fictional picture of 'true love' probably because he had no idea what love was. Not one of his ex's was a friend... they were all cheating lying bitches that had treated him terribly (I'm such a mug)

 

Now as I look at his new relationship and what they do, how he behaves etc -he's unrecognisable!

 

Almost two years later - I still pine for what I thought it was, the man I thought he was, the relationship I thought I had the killer is that my time with him was the happiest time of my life .... yet it was all a twisted fantasy.

 

I'm not going to lie - the ending of this relationship was life changing for me, I felt completely to blame, I had no idea what I could do to put things right, or even what had gone wrong in the first place - I couldn't trust anyone. my family and friends were on suicide watch, they kept reassuring me 'it's not just you.... he fooled us all!' He had set the bar so high in our happy times, that I'm afraid I'll never find anyone again, and even if I do - I'd question whether they were Real.

 

At first I did everything you're supposed to do, I started running, lost loads of weight, chopped my hair off, dating, threw my energy into a new business (which is really successful now by the way ) at the time it just kept me busy, it didn't really help, which only made things worse.

 

I do feel better about myself now though, I used that hurt energy to create something positive.... even though at the time it all felt pointless. I suggest if you're hurting, you do the same. Get outside, look after yourself, create something so when the dust settles with or without that person, you have something to be happy about.

[d0nnivain]

I'm glad you managed to find a more positive place. Best wishes as you continue to grow & move forward.

[DevastatedJDC]

Very good post! I've been going through the same thing. Making progress but still in somewhat shock, disbelief and anger. This was in another post I've read and it really spoke to me - girl/guy - it's all the same:

 

"feel betrayed. I would. Out of all the people in the world, you went out on a limb and trusted this girl with your heart in untrustworthy world like this and she took that for granted and handled it like it was nothing. When we lose people, a part of us disappears with them. You'll heal but you won't be put together the same way again.

So

don't let her off the hook

so

easily. To do

so

would deprive you of the remorse and anger you should be feeling and you're going to need that to help you accept what happened and heal from it.

 

I don't know what kind of environment created these types of personalities but I know the world would be a better place without them. They are reckless and stupid with their words and emotions."

[Been]

First thing you must do is realize it wasn't your fault and no matter what you did it wouldn't have changed the outcome.

This person manipulated you and in the end it was about themselves. It had nothing to do with anything you did or didn't do.

The lying was them being a coward because they lacked the courage to just be upfront. Also in most cases they don't want to break up with you because they haven't found someone the deem worthy of your replacement. Also keep in mind they CANNOT stand to be alone for any amount of time.

Second thing to realize is anything they said to you has no substance- actions will always determine if what someone says is vaild.

Don't let this change you forever- right now I know your hurt and confused but really the only option is to go up. Don't dwell in the basement of despair over someone who wasn't and never was worth it.

Know what your worth is and go out and get it.

[Young mind]

This site was a great help to me when I first split up with my ex. Thought I'd pop by and give you the benefit of experience and time now in the hope that if you ever come across something similar you might be able to recognise it and get out whilst you can.

 

My ex promised me the world and made me so unbelievably happy for a couple of years then out of the blue started fading/ghosting me via Facebook messenger and refused any communication. We were both in our 30's - I thought this sort of behaviour only came frominexperienced boys - not fully grown men with professional jobs and children!

 

With no answers from him and no clue of what or why this was going on it made me question myself - what have I done that made me deserve this treatment? Has our whole blissfully perfect relationship just been a lie? How could he be declaring his undying, unconditional love for me one minute and then be telling me he never wants me to contact him again the next?

 

Was I to blame? Was my calling him out on being a **** person for treating me so used and worthless unjustified? Is it unreasonable to ask why? Why won't you talk to me? You know I love you, How can you do this?

He twisted everything I said, how could I call him a user? How very disappointing I am! He didn't have to put up with this 'emotional abuse' This shocked me, is that really what he thought? I mean I'll take irrational, I'll take emotional .... but abusive? Really?

 

'Can't talk - I'm busy with work'

'I've got my kids right now'

'I'm in a bad place' ...and worst of all the excuses:

'My friend has just committed suicide'

(Not only was that last statement an unbelievable lie but coincidently THREE WEEKS later someone he knew did commit suicide.... he then had the audacity to use that to his advantage..... I am of course a judgemental monster for not giving him time to grieve)

 

I'm blocked, on everything... FOREVER.

 

He could however, talk to his new girlfriend, who appeared out of nowhere and whom he proposed to within a month....?! Wtf?!

 

Is my personality a problem? Should I have been More patient? Have I bought this all on myself? Did I make it so difficult to talk to me that it was easier just to lie for months and months....not just lie, but actually keep up a facade of some fairytale relationship? How is this normal? How have I been so easily fooled - why were there no red flags? Why did my gut not tell me something wasn't right with this man? I would have bet my life that this man was genuine!! How can I even trust myself, let alone anyone else!?

 

He must really hate me.

 

My ex was a damaged human being, he was open about his abusive childhood and past relationships he'd cut off all ties with his family and was bitter and vengeful towards these people - Its just in my nature to feel sorry for him and want to love him more and make it all better.

 

He behaved like a chameleon moulding himself to whatever situation or lady he finds himself with - he was quite simply too good to be true. Everything I liked/didn't like he did too - everything I wanted - he wanted too, it was a fictional picture of 'true love' probably because he had no idea what love was. Not one of his ex's was a friend... they were all cheating lying bitches that had treated him terribly (I'm such a mug)

 

Now as I look at his new relationship and what they do, how he behaves etc -he's unrecognisable!

 

Almost two years later - I still pine for what I thought it was, the man I thought he was, the relationship I thought I had the killer is that my time with him was the happiest time of my life .... yet it was all a twisted fantasy.

 

I'm not going to lie - the ending of this relationship was life changing for me, I felt completely to blame, I had no idea what I could do to put things right, or even what had gone wrong in the first place - I couldn't trust anyone. my family and friends were on suicide watch, they kept reassuring me 'it's not just you.... he fooled us all!' He had set the bar so high in our happy times, that I'm afraid I'll never find anyone again, and even if I do - I'd question whether they were Real.

 

At first I did everything you're supposed to do, I started running, lost loads of weight, chopped my hair off, dating, threw my energy into a new business (which is really successful now by the way ) at the time it just kept me busy, it didn't really help, which only made things worse.

 

I do feel better about myself now though, I used that hurt energy to create something positive.... even though at the time it all felt pointless. I suggest if you're hurting, you do the same. Get outside, look after yourself, create something so when the dust settles with or without that person, you have something to be happy about.

KUDOS for standing up for yourself, I believe you’re in a better place and you need no validation from anyone for this.

As relationships go this day and age they all seem to follow the same pattern like yours , same with mine, happy times, bad times, quarrels , then the immature one is unable to fight for the relationship, gets up and leaves with no explanation whatsoever, they are not to blame but they miss the most important thing , which us who are left behind have time to work on, analyze and be the better version of ourselves, believe me you and everyone after this stage will never be the same again, we are moulded into a better version and it’s their loss.

Quite unfortunately, or normally a new partner comes out of the blue, you hear stories like they are with someone else after 2 weeks or a month, it’s laughable because although they may enjoy the shortlived euphoria of being able to get some else in such a short time, it’s all a quick fix for a deep rooted problem.

Take two to build and takes two to break, you’ve accepted your own part , and keep building keep learning, the stars are under your foot!