Choosing the right path

[Streetlight23]

Hey everyone. I have been visiting this forum for a few years now but this is my first post. I’ve seen many people get help here and I think its finally time that I ask for some help as well. So here it goes.

 

I met this girl online 2nd week in November. We matched up and we went on our first meetup date a few days after. It went really well! She felt very comfortable with me and even told me that on our first meetup. We got to know each other a little more and agreed to go out on a real date the following week. That date went extremely well. So well that we ended up back at her place. No sex but lots of fooling around and making out.

 

After that date, she became very invested. She used to text me that she missed me, that she just wants to hang out with me instead of being at work, etc. I was a little put off by it, but I really like this girl so I thought it was cute. She texted a lot. A lot of good morning texts, etc. A few days after our real date, she invited me over to have dinner and spend the night. Now, in my mind, no grown woman (shes 32) invites a man into her bed and does not want to have sex, especially how the last date ended. I ended up spending the night and we had sex. She wanted it as much as I did.

 

She still texted a ton throughout the day and even invited me to meet her brother that weekend, which I did, even though I wasn’t feeling well. She knew something was off and texted me the next day telling me that she felt I wasn’t interested anymore. I reassured her that I was still interested, but I was doing a bad job of balancing my priorities. ( I have a full time job and 2 businesses). I told her I will do a better job and make her a higher priority because I saw real potential in a relationship with her being long term. After that happened is when I think everything changed.

 

Things began to taper off. She wasn’t texting as much, we started seeing each other less, not because I wasn’t asking, but because she started getting busy. Shes a teacher and end of the year stuff started piling up.

 

Well over the last 2 weeks, we have only seen each other twice and her behavior has done a complete 180 and its raising flags on my end. Limited texting and its been short answers. A few days ago, out of no where, she texted that she felt we had sex too soon. That it was way too soon and didn’t feel right. I indulged a little and asked her a few questions about it but the jist of it was it was too soon. I have been trying to put her mind at ease about us dating but I feel it hasn’t been doing much. I really feel like she has become uninterested.

 

The only reason I don’t think that is the case is because in her past, when she becomes uninterested, she just blocks and shes done. But she still texts me. I asked her over the weekend to come meet my brother and she couldn’t make it. I asked her if she wanted to go out before she goes out of town for the holidays and she didn’t respond. She responded the next day and didn’t give a definitive answer.

 

I am confused on what to do. Part of me wants to tell her that this is over, I don’t deserve to be treated like this and I think its really disrespectful of her to not come out and meet my brother after I did it for her. The other part is trying to see things from her perspective of her being scared. She has told me multiple times that I scare her. I scare her in the sense that she has never felt a connection with someone like she does with me so I want to reassure her that I do see long term potential with her and that she is not wasting her time with me. This part wants to ask her if she wants to be exclusive, even though its only been about a month. I guess the last couple of guys she has dated, dated her for a few months and then drop her out of nowhere. Another part wants to do nothing. Just give her some space to figure it out.

 

I really do not know what to do. I like to think I am a pretty confident guy and see what she is doing as wrong and I deserve better. I want to have a conversation with her today because I feel it needs to happen, but I am undecided on which path to take.

 

I’m sure I am leaving out some details but I didn’t want this post to be too long. I feel that I covered the important parts.

 

Any advice you guys have on this would be much appreciated.

[d0nnivain]

She came on like gangbusters & you two had sex pretty quickly. Now she's regretting that decision & pulling back. She may be scared that you will drop her like the other guys did. The holidays also make people crazy

 

 

She is not disrespectful for refusing to meet your brother. Disrespectful would be saying yes, then blowing you off with no explanation. She declined the invite, that's all.

 

 

If she is around for NYE try to arrange a date.

 

Otherwise, sit tight. Reach out again to wish her Merry Christmas & Happy New Year by texts on those days. Call her after January 2, 2018 to try to schedule a date. if you don't get a positive response to that, write her off.

[Streetlight23]

Disrespectful may have been the wrong word. More like disappointed. She knew it was important to me and she originally agreed to it, then backed out at the last minute because she didn't feel like going out, but then went out and got drunk with her friends that night instead.

 

We were suppose to meet up tonight but I haven't heard anything. I agree with that maybe doing nothing and letting her figure out what she wants to do is the best choice right now.

 

At first, I didn't regret having sex with her too early since we both wanted it, but if I knew that it was going to blow this up as it has, I definitely wouldn't have done it.

 

I feel a little like I got the bait and switch. She called me out on not being interested anymore which wasnt true, rearrange my schedule and see her more, and now it feels like this wants nothing to do with me.

[No_Go]

This reminds me of the guy I dated this summer who pulled drastically back after I showed interest. Well at least you had sex, whereas I stayed high and dry with him sitting in my living room and talking about space way past midnight

 

Write this one off, unless you really like her. Then maybe give it one more conversation but keep your expectations low.

[Streetlight23]

Hey everyone!

 

I made this post about a month ago about this girl I am seeing and it looks like I need some more advice.

 

Over the holidays, we still kept in touch. Mostly coming from her end. After the new year and she got back from holiday, she really wanted to start seeing each other again. I was pretty excited but tried to keep my expectations low. I am glad I did because it didn’t go as well as I planned. We had maybe 1-2 dates, but they weren’t really dates. It was staying in at her place because she didn’t want to go out. Basically all the retreating she was doing during the holidays was still there but it was like she was fighting against it. Looking back on it now it makes a lot of sense due to what happened next.

 

This past weekend, she invited me to her place for dinner again (refused to go out), which was great but she wasn’t very affectionate and was a little stand offish. The next day she told me she was thinking about us and wanted to be honest and said she doesn’t think it felt right to her anymore. My initial reaction was I was upset but saw it coming because she just pulled away so much. Then she said some things that really caught me off guard.

 

She went on to say that she feels

“like she is in a dark tunnel and theres no one else around and she feels nothing.”

“Right now I feel numb to everything I use to enjoy, I don’t know whats wrong with me.”

“I want you to be happy and I am not doing a good job of that”

 

Now, as someone that has suffered with depression in the past, this sounds exactly like that. I think she has been depressed for the past month. Ever since her behavior did that 180 a month ago. A lot of her comments over that time seem to help this conclusion. Constantly tired, didn’t want to do anything but sleep and stay home, etc. I tried to comfort her and let her know that shes not alone in this and I want to support her and weather this storm with her. She appreciated this and said she hopes this feeling will pass.

 

As for me, I was pretty sure it was over but she texted me the next morning saying she couldn’t sleep. I’m like wtf. Why would you tell someone you don’t feel anything for them anymore, and then text the next morning? I responded but she hasn’t texted since. This was about 3 days ago now.

 

Right now, I am giving her space. I know that there is nothing I can do to help her through this. When I suffered with depression, no one was able to pull me out of it. I had to do it on my own so I think her loss of feelings for me is a side effect of her depression as she has lost feeling for nearly everything. But I want to be supportive. I tried reading a bunch of stuff online about what I can do to let her know I am there for her when she needs me but also give her space to work through this.

 

Is this the right thing to do? I care about this girl a lot and it sucks. I am also dating other women as we were not exclusive, but I cant seem to get this girl off my mind. I’ve thought about sending some small flowers to her apt with a note saying I am here for her when she is ready but I’m debating on that. I don’t want to put pressure on her any more than she is probably putting on herself.

 

Is there anyway to be there for her without actually “being there” for her?

[melonmint57]

This is a tough one! I'd say no on the flowers, but if you do see/talk to her again maybe very lightly address some of the difficulties with depression that you overcame. Given that you really seem to like this girl, relating to her a bit in that sense may draw her closer knowing she's not alone. Maybe I'm way off, but that's just my two cents.

 

I've personally never suffered from depression, but I have a very close family member who has and I do agree with you based on your observations.

[Mkn1010]

Hrmm I’m really not sure why you want to sign up for something like this since you’ve know her for such a short time. People are usually their best selves at the start of a relationship and she couldn’t even keep her **** together for 1-2 months. The fact that you’ve seen who she is now is a blessing! I’ve both suffered from depression and dated someone who has. As you know, it makes you believe you feel nothing for the person in your life- that’s incredibly hurtful to the other person even if you can’t help it. You don’t have to accept this, I would walk away before you’re even more invested and then cannot, but that’s just me!

 

Also, it’s a red flag that she came on really strong - like saying she misses you early on, those types always completely lose interest almost instantly! People here have called it ‘love bombing’. Maybe she doesn’t even have depression but her loss of feelings for you has left her feeling so low. I’d also guess that the suddenness and contrast of her behaviour has you more invested here because of how confusing it is and you’re subconsciously wondering how you can best behave to get her back to where she was at the start. What a complete head f**k.

 

If you’re looking for a serious relationship, keep looking. Spending years with this girl is a bleak outlook from what you’ve described. It’ll hurt a bit now to move on but much less than it could later on!

[unit1]

she has this mental trouble for a long time, she needs treatment, does she realize it?

and she needs to open up.....there is a lot of things u don't know yet, and she never told /shared with anyone, I feel.

do u know her childhood, her previous relationship, her other personal life, etc....

u need to find a way to let her open up, but once that door open, it will be a storm to deal.

Edited January 26, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[sdraw108]

I would advise to stay away from her. Being this hot/cold so early in a relationship sets a terrible precedent and you'd just be setting yourself up for ongoing misery if you try to make it work. It's a trust issue as well - how can you trust someone who says they are really into you one minute, goes cold the next minute, then is into you again, and then isn't? Changing your mind once is normal, but flip/flipping like that is downright deceitful. If she's genuinely depressed and has numb feelings then she should stick to her story instead of going back and forth.

[Streetlight23]

Thank you everyone for your responses

 

I'd say no on the flowers, but if you do see/talk to her again maybe very lightly address some of the difficulties with depression that you overcame. Given that you really seem to like this girl, relating to her a bit in that sense may draw her closer knowing she's not alone.

 

This was my original idea. I was going to write her a letter saying things similar to this then the idea of sending flowers with the letter came up. I want to do one of them, but I think I may just write her the letter. (Even though I have read on LS many times that letter writing is a HUGE no haha)

 

Maybe she doesn’t even have depression but her loss of feelings for you has left her feeling so low.

 

Normally I would agree with this but her overall behavior suggests otherwise. For example, she went on vacation with her parents, came back, went to 2 days of work, then called in the next 3 because she just couldnt bring herself to go. All bad signs I agree.

 

she has this mental trouble for a long time, she needs treatment, does she realize it?

 

do u know her childhood, her previous relationship, her other personal life, etc....

 

I dont think she realizes it. I could be wrong. I know a little of her past in regards to this. Her childhood was fine but her dad was very harsh on her and would tease her as well as her mother about certain things in a passive aggressive manner. Her ex boyfriend use to do the same. Her last ex they were together for 5 years till she broke it off with him because she was ready to be married and he didnt want to. This was over a year ago but I know he still texts her because Ive seen the texts. She told me he texted her at new years but she felt nothing towards the texts.

 

Being this hot/cold so early in a relationship sets a terrible precedent and you'd just be setting yourself up for ongoing misery if you try to make it work. It's a trust issue as well - how can you trust someone who says they are really into you one minute, goes cold the next minute, then is into you again, and then isn't?

 

When I was depressed, this was typical behavior for me. I would muster the strength to do something, then once I was there, I would be like why the hell am I here? and shut down again. I took this as her trying to fight her depression and losing.

 

I agree with all of you that none of these problems are my problems. Especially for someone that I have only just recently meant. I am choosing to make these problems my problems because I care for this girl. I also know that I have to keep my distance. Since she is feeling nothing, I do not want to be associated with this nothing feeling. I know that anything I do has the possibility of falling into this category, but I want to do something. Just one thing and leave it at that.

 

I read on some depression forms that the best thing for me to do is to every once in a while, 4-5 days, send a light text of "hey, been thinking about you and hope you are doing well." Just to let them know that someone is thinking of them and cares for them. This sounds like a really great idea. I wish someone did that for me when I was depressed.

[melonmint57]

To start, a text every so often sounds like a good idea. I think a letter might be overly stimulating for someone who is struggling with emotions.

 

I suppose play it by ear and maybe if you're able to reestablish contact, a face-to-face will be in order. I know everyone is different and you can't necessarily place a timeframe on this kind of situation, but I personally would eventually reach a point where I wouldn't want to continue the chase. As a result it would be dragging me down, too.

[Gaeta]

When you met her how long she had been single?

 

If I were you I would not get involved. You are practically strangers still. This is too much energy for someone you barely know. It will be a never-ending rollercoaster. She has family to rely on. Don't get involved.

[Streetlight23]

She has been single since she broke up with her ex so at least a year and a half. She has been dating in the past leading up to us meeting. She told me a few of her dating stories of guys she has met while using OLD.