Development of a relationship before becoming official opposite to what I am used to

[Flame Aura]

Ok so I'm 31 male, been in love twice (both times slightly older and divorced). Both times we kissed on the first day we met. After we spent time going out, getting to know each other more, slept together not too long after, shared rooms travelling together. Then both realised we really liked spending time together doing all this and became official as it just felt like the natural progression.

 

I've been single for about 18 months and 2 months ago went on a first date with a new woman. She's a couple years younger than me, is from an Asian Oriental background, had 1 serious relationship and she got hurt.

 

She is the complete opposite of my previous experiences. Said she only wants something serious, and she's not the type to get with any random guy. I also want something serious so asked her out and we got on great. It took me till date 4 to kiss her. After this she was basically ready for me to ask her to be official. It's been another month since and we have gone on a number of dates. She has told me she is holding back until we become official, as she knows when she falls for someone she falls hard, and doesn't want to give any more before we are official. We have not slept together and even though we have kissed she won't even let me kiss her when we meet up, as that's the way a couple greet each other and we are not official yet (her view). We have already told each other we are not seeing/talking to anyone else so basically exclusive. All that's really left is for me to ask her to be my girlfriend.

 

I have been trying to understand her view, but I am struggling. I always thought becoming official happened AFTER you fall for someone, did everything together to show you are a good match?

 

She wants to make things official and THEN actually invest into the relationship, and grow closer and closer. Talking to friends this seems to be an Asian way of dating. Committing first to show the man is serious, and then giving him their all to make sure the relationship grows stronger and stronger. But how can I commit to something I don't know what it will be like? I like certainties in life (Im a Virgo haha).

 

My instinct tells me she is a great woman, has so many qualities I admire. But her holding back sometimes makes me feel like she is not that into me. I know she is though as she wouldn't be willing to make it official if she wasn't. I really want to find out all she has to offer, no holding back, but at the same time feels like I would be jumping in blind.

[d0nnivain]

This business of making your dating relationship "official" before investing further is only words. You may be jumping in blind but you really aren't jumping into anything that you can't easily get out of.

 

 

If she is as quality as you think she is, invest. If it doesn't work out, break up.

 

 

It's not like she is requiring marriage in which case I would tell you to proceed cautiously if not actually bolt.

[Sunlight72]

I agree with d0nnivain.

 

You both seem hung up on the words. One of you needs to get over that hurdle if you're going to go forward.

 

I'm not sure what fear you have, but it is keeping you from getting closer to this woman.

 

What if you call her your girlfriend already, and see what all those lovey-dovey relationship gifts are she is hoping to give you?

 

Seems like you're coming from the right place. Just make it happen.

[heavenonearth]

It was similar with my boyfriend. I wanted to put a label on it, he wanted to wait, because for him being in a relationship meant a true, unconditional commitment. We were exclusive for 4 months before he popped the question (aka "Can i please be your boyfriend?"). I think that if you explain to her that you are not seeing anybody else, it should be enough at this point. If she can't go along with that, you may be not compatible?

 

 

Good luck!