Is this a case of an Emotional Affair?

[ClumsyGuy]

Hi. Me [22] and my gf [22] (now ex) were together for 4 years. During the last 2 years, she met a guy through a mutual friend. Soon they became best friends and used to hang out occasionally. It was surprising that some other guy became her best friend because I should be her best friend, isn't it? I always considered her my best friend.

 

I didn't like it but didn't want to control her so went with that - I trusted her. Though I still used to get irritated by that sometimes - but she ALWAYS assured me that they are only friends and that she can never fall for a guy like him and that he's not her type. During the last year of our relationship, things started to go downhill (constant fights, arguments, etc) - and one day she came and told me that she is in love with that dude and that they both have ALREADY confessed about their feelings for each other over the phone (nothing physical though).

 

I'll admit that I was not the best boyfriend you'll see but I was not too bad either. She blamed me that the reason she fell for him is because I didn't love her enough. And then she broke up with me. I am still heartbroken. I feel sad that she didn't choose to tell me about her feelings for the other guy BEFORE confessing it to him - is it wrong to feel like that?

 

What she did was really cheating or I deserved that for not being a better boyfriend? Please help...

 

P.S. - Pardon my English, I'm not a native.

Edited December 19, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[HumanMachine]

She cheated on you both emotionally and physically, no doubt about it. You should’ve walked when ‘best friend’ came on the scene, these scenarios never end well.

[ExpatInItaly]

I am sorry this happened to you, OP.

 

Yes, this very much sounds like cheating. Even if they didn't do anything physically, there were some definite boundaries being crossed if they got close enough to fall in love and confess their feelings to each other.

 

Please don't blame yourself or fall into the trap of feeling you deserved this. You didn't.

[ClumsyGuy]

She cheated on you both emotionally and physically, no doubt about it. You should’ve walked when ‘best friend’ came on the scene, these scenarios never end well.

 

Hi, thanks for replying. Really appreciate it. How did she cheat physically?

[ClumsyGuy]

I am sorry this happened to you, OP.

 

Yes, this very much sounds like cheating. Even if they didn't do anything physically, there were some definite boundaries being crossed if they got close enough to fall in love and confess their feelings to each other.

 

Please don't blame yourself or fall into the trap of feeling you deserved this. You didn't.

 

It is still cheating if she told me about everything on her own(that too in person) ?

[carhill]

If the behaviors you disapprove of occurred before the disclosure and you were deceived regarding them up until that point, prior to that point IMO that meets the boundary of 'cheating'. It's the deception part that defines it. Anything after disclosure is an affair/infidelity/inappropriate, etc.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Hi, thanks for replying. Really appreciate it. How did she cheat physically?

 

I think HumanMachine meant that you shouldn't believe her that it never got physical.

[ClumsyGuy]

If the behaviors you disapprove of occurred before the disclosure and you were deceived regarding them up until that point, prior to that point IMO that meets the boundary of 'cheating'. It's the deception part that defines it. Anything after disclosure is an affair/infidelity/inappropriate, etc.

 

But what about the fact that the relationship was going very bad? She told me that it's due to me that she emotionally bonded to that other guy because I was not there for her when she needed me.

 

Isn't that fair? I'm not sure. On top of that she confessed everything to me just after 3 days of confessing her love to him.

[ClumsyGuy]

I think HumanMachine meant that you shouldn't believe her that it never got physical.

 

I'm positive it never got physical!

[Downanddown]

She monkey branched man.

 

Happens to the best of us.

 

Go NC immediately

[HumanMachine]

I'm positive it never got physical!

 

Come on man, they were hanging out together and admitted they had feelings for each other? They were certainly sleeping with together whilst she was with you.

[carhill]

But what about the fact that the relationship was going very bad? She told me that it's due to me that she emotionally bonded to that other guy because I was not there for her when she needed me.

 

Isn't that fair? I'm not sure. On top of that she confessed everything to me just after 3 days of confessing her love to him.

If you were exclusive/living together/married, save for a clear break, like 'leaving' and living independently after having a breakup/separation conversation, any inappropriate behavior and deception of it would meet my definition of cheating. It may not meet your definition. As the boyfriend/spouse/etc, you define what you consider appropriate/inappropriate and cheating/not cheating.

 

Regarding EA/PA, you define those parameters. For some people, actually many MW's I've known, genital sex is what defines a PA. Kissing, making out, etc, does not. You may agree or disagree. Same with EA. People are creative in rationalizing their choices. That's OK. Part of being human. You decide what is acceptable and unacceptable to you.

[ClumsyGuy]

If you were exclusive/living together/married, save for a clear break, like 'leaving' and living independently after having a breakup/separation conversation, any inappropriate behavior and deception of it would meet my definition of cheating. It may not meet your definition. As the boyfriend/spouse/etc, you define what you consider appropriate/inappropriate and cheating/not cheating.

 

Regarding EA/PA, you define those parameters. For some people, actually many MW's I've known, genital sex is what defines a PA. Kissing, making out, etc, does not. You may agree or disagree. Same with EA. People are creative in rationalizing their choices. That's OK. Part of being human. You decide what is acceptable and unacceptable to you.

 

Your definition and my definition are the same. But yet she blamed me that I was the reason that she fell in love with him and so it's not really her fault because I didn't love her enough - that's what she said.

[carhill]

That's rationalizing. Expect it to occur throughout life.

 

A tip from our MC.... we each are responsible for our own words and actions. You loved her and demonstrated it as you did and are responsible for that. Her interactions with other men while with you are her responsibility. You each made and make choices and are each responsible for those choices.

 

When you encounter people who demonstrate blame assignment, especially if/when little to no of that assignment falls to them, accept them as valid and, if not interested in interacting with such people, excise them from your life. There are billions of humans around and practically none will ever be of significant value in your life. You decide who you assign value to. You're young so it's a process of learning. Good luck!

[ClumsyGuy]

That's rationalizing. Expect it to occur throughout life.

 

A tip from our MC.... we each are responsible for our own words and actions. You loved her and demonstrated it as you did and are responsible for that. Her interactions with other men while with you are her responsibility. You each made and make choices and are each responsible for those choices.

 

When you encounter people who demonstrate blame assignment, especially if/when little to no of that assignment falls to them, accept them as valid and, if not interested in interacting with such people, excise them from your life. There are billions of humans around and practically none will ever be of significant value in your life. You decide who you assign value to. You're young so it's a process of learning. Good luck!

 

You're so right, so does that mean that she's blaming things onto me and has clearly cheated according to you?

[BrokeInside]

When people cheat, it's totally their fault.

 

Yes : you may have some flaw

Yes : you may have some relationship issues

 

How to fix it ?! Talk , communicate... not cheating

 

Cheating is clearly not the way. The blaming part is the worst i guess.

 

It's the kind of people who can't even see how much they hurt you and don't even want to take responsability for it, one word : selfish.

 

Advice : strict no contact. Before that, tell her everything you need to tell her to avoid breaking the no contact.

 

Don't blame yourself. Focus ONLY on yourself, do sport, eat well, sleep well, do the things you love and if you don't know what to do, just try something you never do.

 

After no contact, if she sees you move on fast, the begging time sometimes start and i can assure you, selfish person can really surprise you.

 

Do not take her back too fast if she begs, it's a rookie mistake and if she really regrets, it's your call.

 

Keep hope, many people was in your place. You are a lucky man, this is not your wife and you don't have kids with her, maybe she just make you a very big favor showing her true color.

[ClumsyGuy]

When people cheat, it's totally their fault.

 

Yes : you may have some flaw

Yes : you may have some relationship issues

 

How to fix it ?! Talk , communicate... not cheating

 

Cheating is clearly not the way. The blaming part is the worst i guess.

 

It's the kind of people who can't even see how much they hurt you and don't even want to take responsability for it, one word : selfish.

 

Advice : strict no contact. Before that, tell her everything you need to tell her to avoid breaking the no contact.

 

Don't blame yourself. Focus ONLY on yourself, do sport, eat well, sleep well, do the things you love and if you don't know what to do, just try something you never do.

 

After no contact, if she sees you move on fast, the begging time sometimes start and i can assure you, selfish person can really surprise you.

 

Do not take her back too fast if she begs, it's a rookie mistake and if she really regrets, it's your call.

 

Keep hope, many people was in your place. You are a lucky man, this is not your wife and you don't have kids with her, maybe she just make you a very big favor showing her true color.

 

The best advice so far...thank you so much. Also, are you positive it was cheating on her part? I often have trouble acknowledging that...still unsure

[CaliBabe]

Shes blaming you "for not loving her enough" so she doesn't have to take on the full blame of leaving you for another man. It makes her feel better about her decision. So she doesn't have to be 100% the bad guy. Don't fall for that trap, she wants you to think you are to blame. You're not. You remained faithful, shes the one who had an emotional affair. DON'T FALL FOR IT!

[BrokeInside]

The best advice so far...thank you so much. Also, are you positive it was cheating on her part? I often have trouble acknowledging that...still unsure

 

I'm going to be honest so :

 

- i can't tell you she physically cheat because she deny it

 

but one red flag : she blames you. If she admit it was physical, she became the ****ty person, if it's only emotionnal, she can give you the usual "it's your fault" bull****.

 

The forum is full of story of people who were cheated with partner who deny it until the truth was find.

 

My wife did lie to me during month, share the same bed, have sex with me and promise me there was no other guy until i found out there was one and this was physical + emotionnal.

 

At this moment, our kids was 1 and 3 and if you see my wife, no way you would think she can do something like that ... so in the cheating world, just keep in mind everything is possible.

 

Anyway : this is not your fault - 100 % on her , she could have dumped you and live the lovestory with the other guy when she was flirting/texting/seeing the other guys because you don't fall in love in one day.

 

And seriously, don't be me, keep your dignity, rebuild your self esteem and don't let people treat you like ****.

 

You did make mistake in your relation ? Great, everyone does, express those feelings, tell her your sincerly sorry if you feel that way, that you deeply loved her, but next if she still don't want to work on your relationship ... no contact and only try if SHE really wants to try, see if you want or not.

 

Cry if you want to cry, talk about it with trusted people to relief the pain and work on yourself.

 

You will heal, just keep hope and faith.

[Downanddown]

Shes blaming you "for not loving her enough" so she doesn't have to take on the full blame of leaving you for another man. It makes her feel better about her decision. So she doesn't have to be 100% the bad guy. Don't fall for that trap, she wants you to think you are to blame. You're not. You remained faithful, shes the one who had an emotional affair. DON'T FALL FOR IT!

 

 

This 10000000%

[ClumsyGuy]

Thank you everyone so much for all the help. I feel a lot better knowing I'm only responsible for the failure of the relationship and not for her cheating. I would definitely heal with time and perhaps help someone in future on this website. Thanks again

[ExpatInItaly]

But what about the fact that the relationship was going very bad? She told me that it's due to me that she emotionally bonded to that other guy because I was not there for her when she needed me.

 

Isn't that fair? I'm not sure. On top of that she confessed everything to me just after 3 days of confessing her love to him.

 

No, it's not fair.

 

Fair would mean coming to you and telling you - directly - that she was feeling neglected and lonely. Fair would mean being honest with you that she felt differently, and perhaps giving you two a shot at rectifying things. It is not fair to instead seek out the company and attention of another man to make up for what is lacking in the relationship.

 

We cannot define cheating for you. It means something different to everyone. I can only say that based on your description, this was emotional cheating as I define it. Ultimately, it doesn't matter much if this can be neatly categorized as cheating. What matters is that she was no longer committed to you, and you are now free to heal and one day make enough space in your heart and mind for someone else.