I've completely fallen down the rabbit hole with this guy and not sure how to get out

[Gloober]

Hi all,

 

So I'm a little embarrassed asking for advice about this since it seems a little juvenile, I guess? This past summer I decided to jump into the dating pool this summer again after getting out of a serious and very draining relationship months prior. I downloaded Tinder just to see where things would go and I ended up meeting a really amazing guy, out of all the ones I've met this year, me and him definitely have a strong connection.

 

He asked me on a date, we met up, had a great time and talked about a thousand different things. At a certain point, he brought up how he didn't want to have sex with me. He mentioned how if this was a year ago, he would have definitely tried but apparently, he was in a different place now. He made it seem like he was trying to take things slow, as opposed to not being into me at all. After that, he was super affectionate. He put his arm around my shoulder, my waist, held my hand. He was just sending all these wonderful signals and the night ended on a great note.

 

We met up again the next weekend, where he now ends up telling me that he's not sexually attracted to me and that we could be friends. I'm a little confused at this point but I agree to it. Now we had another conversation right before I left that day, where he does a total 180 and says it's not that he isn't sexually attracted to me, it's just that he's in a weird place with his emotions (he broke up with his ex a month before). A couple of weeks later, he switches up again and says that he isn't into me sexually, after I told him he was sending me mixed signals and that I liked him. Now, in between all of this, he's still being extremely affectionate with me, to the point where his words aren't at all lining up with what he's saying.

 

Here we are in December, me and him have practically become best friends, but a lot of what he's done and is still doing is bothering me. I hate to admit that I caught feelings a little, mostly because I felt it was mutual. Now, he brings up other girls and friends he's into and it honestly really hurts to hear. I kinda feel he's either really oblivious or he has no respect for my feelings. He definitely has no obligation to me but at times I feel like his un-official girlfriend in a way. He comes to me about everything and when we're together, there's a lot of physical closeness. I know this partially my fault because I haven't been as blunt as I should be about this situation to him.

 

I'm wondering if I should have a straightforward conversation about this and air everything out or am I just overreacting and I should get over it, keep dating and just gradually let my feelings disperse?

Edited December 19, 2017 by Gloober

[alphamale]

this guy sounds like a loon to me. I recommend you stay away

[ExpatInItaly]

This is the wrong candidate for a best friend, OP.

 

I am not sure what having a confess-it-all coversation will accomplish, as he already knows you like him. And you already know he doesn't feel the same way.

 

You are going to need to put some significant space between you two so you can move on from him. Being friends isn't working.

[Zahara]

You met him when he was still dealing with unresolved emotions from his breakup. A month into a breakup is still a fresh wound. He likely put himself on Tinder to mask whatever discomfort he was feeling. He met you, wasn't emotionally available to you but certainly embraced you as a temporary distraction. A few months later, he's now starting to see dating differently and is attracted to others because he never really attached to you for all the right reasons. He seeks you out because you're available to give him the attention he need, but he's just not that into you for anything more substantive.

 

He knows how you feel. No need for anymore talking. You just need to find acceptance on your part that he isn't as invested as you are and the willpower to stay away so that you can move on.

[Grey40]

He's not interested in a romantic relationship with you, and despite his mixed signals he's made that pretty clear. He might have thought about it initially, but clearly wants to date around and not get serious with anyone at the moment...or, at least not you. If you can't accept that and just be friends with him, then you gotta cut off all contact. Just say you're only interested in him romantically and you can't be friends. It's tough but the longer you let this continue, the harder it's going to hurt when he does meet someone and choose them over you.

[act00]

Friend is friend. Friends don't flirt and cuddle and touch and do all the things outside of kissing and sex. Friends don't do that. Name any other friend you have that you do this cuddly, flirty thing with.

 

You like it, though. It feels good, and you have hopes he'll come around.

 

Stop it.

 

If he wants you as a friend and you want to have him as a friend, no more touching. Period.

 

I bet when you put the stop on the touching, he'll no longer keep you as a buddy.

 

When he starts dating some girl and feels somewhat serious about her, he'll probably stop the touching. This will hurt you.

 

Stop it. You have to accept the fact that you will probably lose a friend over it, but you will be miserable existing in this "somewhere in between" stage where he exhibits signs of romantic interest, but is always out of reach and then tells you about other women he's interested in. He's dangling the carrot. No more friendship or be friends, normal friends, with no more physical contact, touching, flirting...basically the way you behave with your other platonic friends.

[Versacehottie]

everything is on his terms and you are already looking for a way to make this work when he has said to you that it won't (because he's not attracted to you) TWICE! I'm sorry. It's a pretty cruel thing to say and I believe that if a guy thought there was a SHRED of a chance where he would be into you, he would not blow it by saying that. He would maybe give other excuses to put the brakes on but highly doubt he would give that one. If you think like a guy thinks, that is not something they would want to hear or say unless they absolutely meant it. So I would believe it. I would hardly want to be around someone who didn't think I was attractive, let alone try to convince them to date me. He is not your friend--he is enjoying the attention in some perverse fashion it seems. Walk away 100%.

 

Good luck! And think better of yourself. you are better than sticking around for some guy who isn't attracted to you but wants all the other relationship perks. Some guys (and girls) actually do "get" something from having a pseudo relationship (even if sex is not involved), but make no mistake, he is using you or pulling you on a string. This is all about him.

[marjohnee]

I can't think of any scenario where "gradually letting my feelings disperse" while staying friends as usual works, at least not without additional emotional stress. To get over him you need distance, just deciding you will will hardly be enough.

 

I doubt a very recent friendship with someone who doesn't mind crossing boundaries, who doesn't really care about your feelings and whose words and actions don't align is worth having anyway. Personally, I'd cut my losses and walk away, but that's up to you.

 

If you want to avoid cutting contact, stop the physical closeness and anything that goes beyond normal friendly behaviour. No need to announce that in a conversation, just stop it. He will need to accept your boundaries if he's serious about keeping you in his life.

[smackie9]

Here's some advice: stop making friends with guys you are attracted to. If I guy told me he didn't find me sexually attractive, it would be a bubb-bye! Grow a spine and dump this chump.

 

Don't be one of those ding dongs that keep hoping the guy will change his mind.

If anything he would have sex with you, but nothing more.