ZoeGirl Posted December 19, 2017 Posted December 19, 2017 I am 52 and guy I met online through a popular dating app 3 weeks ago is 55. Once we started chatting via the online dating website, it was this immediate connection of just really enjoying our conversations. 3 days later we moved over to exchanging cell numbers, texting and chatting over the phone. 5 days after the texting and chatting, he started testing the waters with pet names. We also had made plans to meet for dinner. He lives about two hours from me. Our conversations have been great. We are comfortable with each other and just get each other. Dinner was great. He was a perfect gentleman and again, the connection was strong. He has other stuff going on his life, such as an 18 year old son who lives a few states away with his mother/stepfather and was having some issues with grades, etc. Also, very busy new job and he is trying to lose 20-30 pounds and get in shape since meeting me. Let me just emphasize that in the beginning, he took the lead with fast tracking the texts of using baby, baby cakes, darling, sweetie, the good morning heart kissy emoji texts. Talking about traveling and places to see with me. Not that I have not enjoyed this, it's just that now, he has started to ease off a bit. We were supposed to get together this past weekend and he really did have a legitimate work issue. I told him that I was going to spend the day with a male friend I have known 25 years since he was not available. He called me Friday and we talked an hour, then he texted Saturday morning and through the day. I think he was jealous as he did not respond to my goodnight text on Saturday. Sunday afternoon he surfaced with a text. We talked and he told me that in the past he has moved too fast emotionally or sexually and we have only known each other 3 weeks. So, he wants to go slow, get to know each other. He said that we definitely connect and that he is optimistic and emphasized again, that he is optimistic. He called me again Sunday evening and we talked another hour where he kept calling me sweetie and there was that connection again. Should I be worried? He is not using the pet names in texts and just seems like he is more restrained. I mean, one day he is kissy emoji guy and the next, he is neutral.
Gaeta Posted December 19, 2017 Posted December 19, 2017 Is this your first online experience? He sounds like he was laying it pretty thick before meeting and now reality is hitting him. You are a real woman, not a goddess out of his imagination, and you are living 2 hours away. It's always less appealing in real life than in our imagination. When you meet someon online everything that was said before meeting means nothing. The real test is meeting face to face, that's why you keep all the pet-names and the connecting for after meeting IF there is a connection still. There isn't much you can do. Judge him by his actions not his words. If he makes plans to meet you and keep communicating regularly then see where it leads. If he's not pulling his own weight into this than don't waste your time too long and cut this off. Use this as an experience learn. Online is to make contact to set up a meeting, try to find a man close enough that he can meet within the same week. 3
elaine567 Posted December 19, 2017 Posted December 19, 2017 I think he was probably put off a bit, by you spending the day with a male "friend". He was all gung-ho full steam ahead, to find you just substituted him with some other guy, when he couldn't make it... 2
act00 Posted December 19, 2017 Posted December 19, 2017 You seem a little focused on pet names, and I don't take those as anything serious...anymore. It's easy to use "babe" and "honey." Men tout these out pretty fast, and it's really not endearing anymore. It was endearing when I first got out into the land of dating, and then I learned it's not endearing at all, but just words. Yes, I still feel some goo when used, but I know it's pretty much just as easy as "thank you" and "excuse me," and holds no value. The most value I got out of a "honey" was someone who never used it until we had been going out awhile, and then I was all internally giggly and excited because things seemed to be moving in the serious direction by then, and this is a milestone! Distance is an issue, and I won't do it. Two hours is too long. Nope. You want someone tangible. The only thing you can do at this point is ride it out and see how it goes...of course just dump and run is there too. He seems to have taken a step back. I've been there where they are all gung-ho in the beginning, but reality sets in. Maybe they just want something on the side. No one knows, but one thing I think is clear is he laid it on thick in the beginning because he didn't want to lose that momentum, and now maybe he feels more secure, so he doesn't have to work as hard, or now, maybe, he's just not into it anymore. You're a great person who is too far away. I also think the male friend could be an issue, especially since the male friend was the "replacement." Don't put too much stock in someone you can't see due to distance. Pet names make you feel warm and fuzzy, but he tosses those out like basic pleasantries...they mean nothing...ignore. When he is invested in you, you'll get a personalized pet name or one he reserves for his closest family. 1
Author ZoeGirl Posted December 19, 2017 Author Posted December 19, 2017 Thank you for the insight. No, it is not my first experience with online dating. However, I have been out of the dating loop for 10 years. I tried before that and with a young child to raise, just was not worth my energy. Now that he is in college, I decided to go "back in" and see what is out there. That is about all I can do right now, is to ride it out. We texted twice today and that was it. Actions do speak louder than words. Do you think the male friend is a deal breaker issue with him?
LivingWaterPlease Posted December 19, 2017 Posted December 19, 2017 I, too, think it was the male friend issue. Especially since he told you he tends to get emotionally involved too quickly. He was telling you he'd gotten emotionally involved with you and realized it was too quick. No, male friend incident is not a deal breaker, I don't believe, since he has continued calling you. I do believe, though, that he'll be watching to determine how involved you are with other men who are friends or not. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted December 19, 2017 Posted December 19, 2017 Have you only met once in person so far, then? I think he is right, that he tends to get way ahead of himself. The use of pet names and talk of future plans is premature, given that you two hardly know each other. Maybe the male friend is a deal-breaker for him; it's hard to say, again, because you barely know him. He might have been put off by that if he felt you were trying to stick it to him by spending the day with another man since he wasn't free. I think much of this depends on how you delivered that information. To be clear, I personally don't think there's an issue with platonic, opposite-sex friends but I wonder, how did you tell him you'd be spending the day with another man?
Author ZoeGirl Posted December 19, 2017 Author Posted December 19, 2017 Yes, we have only met in person once for that dinner. We even made plans possible plans the next few weekends in advance. Does spark of connection from our two weeks of conversation was definitely still there after meeting. We were texting back and forth about whether Saturday would work out and I just came out and said look, with your parents coming possibly and then this work thing it looks like you are busy so I am just going to go up and spend the day with my friend John in the city. Then when we were talking later that same night I emphasized that he is just a friend I have known for over 20 years. He asked if he was married and I said no never married and I asked him once why he never got married and he said he moved too slow on this person. Then he said maybe that person was you and I said no no not at all I don't think so which is really stupid I know that was dumb. When we spoke twice on Sunday I emphasize again that he truly is just a friend and that all the time I was with him I was thinking of how I would have rather been with you on Saturday. To which he gave a very warm and fuzzy exclamation of aww. At the end of our first conversation on Sunday afternoon, I told him that I just wanted them to know that I like him really like him to which he said the same and that is when he said the part about going slow and that in the past he has moved too fast but that he is optimistic definitely optimistic.
elaine567 Posted December 19, 2017 Posted December 19, 2017 We were texting back and forth about whether Saturday would work out and I just came out and said look, with your parents coming possibly and then this work thing it looks like you are busy so I am just going to go up and spend the day with my friend John in the city. OK so you basically jumped the gun and chose to go and see your friend John instead of trying to work around this guy. I thought he was unavailable so you made alternative plans, but he was trying to work something out and you made the decision to go see John instead... like you couldn't be bothered with him or like you had already made plans to do that I am surprised he is still texting you, if this happened to me, that guy who prioritised his female friend over me, would be history.
Author ZoeGirl Posted December 19, 2017 Author Posted December 19, 2017 No no. Before I even told him I was going to go see John, he had already told me that he really does want to see me but it's not a great weekend. So pretty much that tells me that we couldn't work something out 1
stillafool Posted December 19, 2017 Posted December 19, 2017 I think he was probably put off a bit, by you spending the day with a male "friend". He was all gung-ho full steam ahead, to find you just substituted him with some other guy, when he couldn't make it... Why did you have to say a "male" friend. You should have just said "a friend". Were you trying to make him jealous?
elaine567 Posted December 19, 2017 Posted December 19, 2017 No no. Before I even told him I was going to go see John, he had already told me that he really does want to see me but it's not a great weekend. So pretty much that tells me that we couldn't work something out Well then if he was not available to see you at the w/e and is now suggesting slowing down and pulling back, sounds like he may be losing interest, sorry to say.
Author ZoeGirl Posted December 19, 2017 Author Posted December 19, 2017 I don't know really. He knows that I am very involved with my middle eastern culture and the activities I do for fundraising etc for some of our foundations. This friend is from the same culture as me so I didn't really think it was stupid. I mean, isn't it better to be honest then he finds out later that I was with a male friend?
stillafool Posted December 19, 2017 Posted December 19, 2017 I don't know really. He knows that I am very involved with my middle eastern culture and the activities I do for fundraising etc for some of our foundations. This friend is from the same culture as me so I didn't really think it was stupid. I mean, isn't it better to be honest then he finds out later that I was with a male friend? Saying you're spending the day with a "friend" is being honest. You didn't have to specify "male" unless he asked. He would have assumed you were spending the day with a woman.
Author ZoeGirl Posted December 19, 2017 Author Posted December 19, 2017 Yes, whether he was losing interest or the male friend issue, whatever. There has been a shift and it comes down to when you really like someone, you try no matter what. Yes, it has only been 3 weeks and with the holidays and holiday travel for both of us we were not going to be able to get together again until mid January. I sent him a good morning text and his response, whether he responds at all will be my gauge.
d0nnivain Posted December 19, 2017 Posted December 19, 2017 Some parts of the on line conversations make it seem like you have known somebody longer & better then you actually do. He came on strong at first as his self professed bad pattern -- moving too fast. He is trying to dial it back. Whether that is in response to him figuring out too fast never works or because you spent time with your friend, only he knows. It's also the holidays & nobody's schedule is right this time of year. In your shoes, I'd try to arrange a date for NYE but otherwise just hang tough & see how things shake out after the holidays. On some levels you seem to be on the fast track operating at break neck speeds too. You need to learn to keep things light & relatively casual for the first few months.
LivingWaterPlease Posted December 19, 2017 Posted December 19, 2017 Saying you're spending the day with a "friend" is being honest. You didn't have to specify "male" unless he asked. He would have assumed you were spending the day with a woman. Agree and further, at this stage if you can't make arrangements to see each other you don't owe him any explanation at all as to what you'll do instead. I'd personally keep that to myself, though I realize when you're discussing something it's natural to process your intentions by sharing information, particularly if you're feeling close to someone. To me, from all you've shared, it sounds as if you spending time with another male was a kind of wake up call to him that he had gotten emotionally involved too quickly and may get hurt. After subsequent conversations it seems to me you have relieved that issue with him, though he will probably remain guarded about your association with other men for some time. Seems to me he's still quite interested in you. 1
Sunlight72 Posted December 19, 2017 Posted December 19, 2017 (edited) edit - ^^^^ LivingWaterPlease wrote that while I was writing. She said it better than me! Edited December 19, 2017 by Sunlight72
Author ZoeGirl Posted December 19, 2017 Author Posted December 19, 2017 Yes. Thank you again for your insights. Truly, there is very wise and sage advice which is sincerely appreciated from all of you. I believe that my guy is still interested as well. He did respond back to my text and yes, I do need to slow it down. I am truly, not mistaking our connection. If I am wrong about this, then I chuck it all in, this dating game. I have much going on the next few weeks and need to focus on my final for a class tonight. I work out every day, biking, yoga which brings me great peace of mind as well.
Gaeta Posted December 19, 2017 Posted December 19, 2017 You are 52 years old so the heck with this guy if he cannot handle you having male friends. At our age and with everything we went through in our life it's time to offer yourself a relationship based on trust and respect of each other, any man that is uncomfortable with you having a long-term male friends should be dropped on the spot. All these questions about your friends not being married and suggestions that you may be the one that got away for him are all inappropriate and to me are showing a man that is insecure and jealous.
Author ZoeGirl Posted December 22, 2017 Author Posted December 22, 2017 I am done with online dating - to me, all this does is open a candy store for men to keep women hanging while they keep perusing. D-O-N-E! It really comes down to the fact that nothing can take the place of good old fashioned face to face dating and just ditch texting and return to phone calls. Ugh....so done. Or, how about Facetime or Skype, etc? If a guy is into you, he will make the time for you. Plain and simple. There are no other excuses. So, to Gaeta and all the other skeptics about my friend, Casper the Friendly Ghost - yes, you were right. Then, sent him this yesterday morning. Me: Ok...I thought it would be fun to send a video.(sent him a video of where I bike since he is always curious and asking me) Him: Good morning - I was able to see your riding spot. Thank you for sharing....sorry I've been so distant - I've been super busy and butt tired after I get home. Me: I get it - no worries. Really, I do mean that. Life is simply what it is and always unfolds as it is meant to be. Him: I'm look at that positively So, I have not responded back and have not heard back from him. I am just too tired for this, trying to decipher what he means. Maybe he is doing the fade or just needs space. Lesson learned: Go super slow in the beginning and don't be drawn into that lovey, dovey world of meaningless texts. Ugh..
Maggie4 Posted December 22, 2017 Posted December 22, 2017 There are middle aged men dating online that are still looking for the much younger hot babes. Sure you had a connection and it seems he really likes you. You may be attractive, but you are not 35. Some men online always think they can do "better". They "shop" online, and imagine themselves with the (photoshopped) babes. Very stupid to pass up on quality women. Chances are the woman's age range he's looking at online is not 50-55.
Author ZoeGirl Posted December 22, 2017 Author Posted December 22, 2017 There are middle aged men dating online that are still looking for the much younger hot babes. Sure you had a connection and it seems he really likes you. You may be attractive, but you are not 35. Some men online always think they can do "better". They "shop" online, and imagine themselves with the (photoshopped) babes. Very stupid to pass up on quality women. Chances are the woman's age range he's looking at online is not 50-55. Yea, you are right Maggie4. He definitely has image issues about what he truly looks like. His photos online are from 3-5 years ago and he has put on weight since then and did not look at all like his photos when I met him. I am not tooting my own horn here, but I am considered very pretty and was told by him, that I look just like my photos and am a beautiful woman. Another guy I met online told me the same thing when I met him. I think he fancies himself how he looked 3-10 years ago and he isn't there.
Recommended Posts