whatwhit Posted December 18, 2017 Posted December 18, 2017 (edited) So, I non exclusively dated this guy for a month and a half, we didn’t work out due to his bs excuses. He can’t give anyone a real reason to why he’s not interested in me. I learned that he’s lied a bunch to avoid hanging out with me. The last time I reached out after 2 weeks of no contact he stated he would love to be friends - but it doesn’t seem so. Anywho, he’s a coach and I became friends with his assistants girlfriend. And he seems so bothered by it, he’s made statements to her like “oh looks like you’re friends now”, and to one of her friends he was like “looks like “M” has a new friend now”. I don’t understand why he’s being so immature about it - he’s a 37 year old man. Also this past weekend, few days after he said he liked to be friends. His assistants girlfriend and I had drinks, while him and his assistant and some guys went for drinks right down the road. Her boyfriend told my former flame that we were hanging out, and we brought up all having drinks later afterwards. My former flame said no and her boyfriend wouldn’t tell us why even though we knew why me! Only thing I can think of is the fact that he lied to my face. When we were dating we were supposed to go to a basketball game together that exact day only for him to tell me a couple of weeks after that he had to go to his sister in laws and gave me a long story - so maybe he was afraid to face me cause he lied?? I just don’t understand why he’s being so cold to me, he’s acting like I cheated on him or treated him so bad when I didn’t do anything to hurt him. I haven’t been super needy or clingy towards him either. Edited December 18, 2017 by whatwhit
smackie9 Posted December 18, 2017 Posted December 18, 2017 Ask him why he's so bitter. It's not like you are trying to harass him. Tell him to stop being so paranoid, and that your friendship with the assistance GF has nothing to do with him.
elaine567 Posted December 18, 2017 Posted December 18, 2017 People usually want their exes, especially "short term" exes to just disappear out of their lives. They do not want them to keep popping up, or to become BFF with people they know well If you want to keep being friends with this girl great, but do not involve him in any of your plans. He has made it clear he is not interested in socialising with you, so you need to respect that, 8
smackie9 Posted December 18, 2017 Posted December 18, 2017 I get that he wants you out of his life....but he is handling it in a very immature manner. IMO you can't control people from having some association with people you know. He needs to put on his big boy pants and suck it up. 2
kendahke Posted December 18, 2017 Posted December 18, 2017 Are you friends with her because you genuinely like this girl and who she is and what she's all about, or are you friends with her because it's an easy way of remaining connected to him and stay in the same social circle? If your ex had nothing to do with anything, would you still be friends with her? 2
elaine567 Posted December 18, 2017 Posted December 18, 2017 Maybe he is being somewhat immature, but I certainly would not be happy if an ex suddenly became BFF with my friend's bf and wanted me to go out for drinks as a foursome. My best friend, her bf, me AND this guy who had managed to reinsert himself into my social life uninvited...
Author whatwhit Posted December 18, 2017 Author Posted December 18, 2017 Oh yeah 100%. I would never use someone to try to get to someone. I’ve learned the hard way that you can’t make anyone like you or want to be with you. Her and I are very similar - and we just hit it off. Our plans never have evolved around him at all except yesterday but I had no idea that my former flame was close to us until she told me during drinks - like tomorrow her and another mutual friend and I are going to have wine for a happy hour. No other motives with the friendship.
Author whatwhit Posted December 18, 2017 Author Posted December 18, 2017 Andddd he’s more friends with her boyfriend than he is with her.
stillafool Posted December 18, 2017 Posted December 18, 2017 So, I non exclusively dated this guy for a month and a half, we didn’t work out due to his bs excuses. He can’t give anyone a real reason to why he’s not interested in me. I learned that he’s lied a bunch to avoid hanging out with me. The last time I reached out after 2 weeks of no contact he stated he would love to be friends - but it doesn’t seem so. This guy is not interested in you in a romantic way. He does not want you hanging out with friends who are in his social circle because he knows you're still interested and he is not. He does not have to give people a real reason as to why he is not interested in you. If he is trying his best to avoid you why do you want to hang out with his friends? Just move on.
Author whatwhit Posted December 18, 2017 Author Posted December 18, 2017 I’m not hanging out with his friends! It’s one girl whose his friends girlfriend. I think he needs to get over it lol. 2
act00 Posted December 19, 2017 Posted December 19, 2017 This guy seems to remain a major point of interest for you, and apparently quite the topic when you hang out with this GF of the friend. This, after less than two months of dating. He's not into you, and you seem to be hovering in his orbit. I'd be a bit uncomfortable too. If you're genuinely interested in this friendship with the GF and not doing this to remain close to the Flame, you can start establishing some boundaries, like not discussing him, and his "BS lies" and "the real reason" he doesn't want to be with you, etc., and don't expect him to be thrilled to keep you around in his circle. At least not immediately. This can take some time before he's comfortable with the fact that you are just friends with the GF and are not interested in him anymore, and the way to establish this new status quo is to not make your short relationship and hurt feelings an issue anymore. Avoid talking about him all together if possible, and certainly don't plan a foursome or "double date" as if it's all honky dory. It's not. You won't be able to get over him and the hurt if he and your short relationships continues to be a topic. You have made the choice to be friends with his friends, and you're going to have to handle the hurt of this defunct relationship and do so with grace if you choose to remain in his circle. He said he would like to "be friends" to soften the blow. He doesn't want to be friends. He might be okay with being friends later, when you're not being an orbiter and bitter about your fling and have moved on. You seem to have a level of immaturity in this situation as well. People who break up don't want their exes hanging around in the background and don't want their continued presence in their personal circle. This is normal. I want you to think about the boyfriend/date of the past you detest the most, and really think hard and honestly how you would feel if he was now "best buds" with the boyfriend of your BFF and he was somehow inserting himself into your personal bubble, "Let's get drinks after!" How well do you think this would go over for you? YOU need to create a division of your now deceased relationship with Flameboy with these mutual friends of yours and be clear YOU are no longer interested in this man romantically, and do so in a mature manner (it is what it is, let's move on), not a bitter ex manner (his BS lies and what's the real reason)...except I suspect you still want your old flame, which is why this whole thing reads like a junior high romance. 1
Author whatwhit Posted December 19, 2017 Author Posted December 19, 2017 Erm I honestly wouldn’t care if my friends were still friends with my exes. ESP. If it was a friend I wasn’t really friends with - like in this situation. He doesn’t hang out with her 1x1 only when a he’s with her boyfriend which isn’t all the time. I don’t think I’ve been immature about anything. I haven’t done anything barely have talked to the dude to even receive a chance of acting immature.
stillafool Posted December 19, 2017 Posted December 19, 2017 Erm I honestly wouldn’t care if my friends were still friends with my exes. ESP. If it was a friend I wasn’t really friends with - like in this situation. He doesn’t hang out with her 1x1 only when a he’s with her boyfriend which isn’t all the time. I don’t think I’ve been immature about anything. I haven’t done anything barely have talked to the dude to even receive a chance of acting immature. Yes but he probably double dates with them or when he goes out with his friend she may hang with them also and he doesn't want you to show up. Honestly if I knew a guy I liked felt this way about me I would have no problems distancing myself from anything related to his life. If you must see this girl why not invite her to hang out with you and your friends far away from him. I agree that it is in poor taste to discuss him with this girl because her bf is his employee.
smackie9 Posted December 19, 2017 Posted December 19, 2017 Yes but he probably double dates with them or when he goes out with his friend she may hang with them also and he doesn't want you to show up. Honestly if I knew a guy I liked felt this way about me I would have no problems distancing myself from anything related to his life. If you must see this girl why not invite her to hang out with you and your friends far away from him. I agree that it is in poor taste to discuss him with this girl because her bf is his employee. I think the op and her friend are well aware of the circumstances and is accommodating this jackass as to avoid any awkwardness. I doubt very highly she will be showing up during their double dates or anything to do with him being with someone else. I think they got that covered. And the op and this girl do hang out separate from the crowd...even then the guy still put up a dbag fuss about it. That's pretty much what she is complaining about. She is avoiding him. He's pissy over them being friends and hanging out. The guy needs to give it a rest. The ladies were just having a glass of wine together at another place for f sakes.
stillafool Posted December 19, 2017 Posted December 19, 2017 It's clear from her post that she is very interested in this man and he has no interest in her. The "he can't give a real reason...", "lied a bunch to avoid hanging out", him not going for drinks because OP is there, etc., screams of her chasing a man who doesn't want her. I'm sorry but I think OP is just being friends (acquaintance) with this woman so she can find out info on this man or to be in his circle. It's seems obvious to me and probably to him also. Why is he being labeled a jackass because he doesn't want her? 1
Gaeta Posted December 19, 2017 Posted December 19, 2017 So, I non exclusively dated this guy for a month and a half, we didn’t work out due to his bs excuses. He can’t give anyone a real reason to why he’s not interested in me. I learned that he’s lied a bunch to avoid hanging out with me. The last time I reached out after 2 weeks of no contact he stated he would love to be friends - but it doesn’t seem so. This is so interesting. It's like because he doesn't have a good reason to not date you than he should. Why should he give anyone a reason for not dating you? Have you been going around interrogating people about him? You also chased him down after some type of break up so that tells me you are obsessed with this man. He offered you to remain friends to be polite, it didn't actually mean you'd be friends. Anywho, he’s a coach and I became friends with his assistants girlfriend. And he seems so bothered by it, he’s made statements to her like “oh looks like you’re friends now”, and to one of her friends he was like “looks like “M” has a new friend now”. I don’t understand why he’s being so immature about it - he’s a 37 year old man. I think he's bothered because he sees this as, again, you being obsessed with him and following him around. I think this guy really doesn't like you and I think he feels harassed in some way by you. Also this past weekend, few days after he said he liked to be friends. His assistants girlfriend and I had drinks, while him and his assistant and some guys went for drinks right down the road. Her boyfriend told my former flame that we were hanging out, and we brought up all having drinks later afterwards. My former flame said no and her boyfriend wouldn’t tell us why even though we knew why me! Only thing I can think of is the fact that he lied to my face. When we were dating we were supposed to go to a basketball game together that exact day only for him to tell me a couple of weeks after that he had to go to his sister in laws and gave me a long story - so maybe he was afraid to face me cause he lied?? I just don’t understand why he’s being so cold to me, he’s acting like I cheated on him or treated him so bad when I didn’t do anything to hurt him. I haven’t been super needy or clingy towards him either. Here I see you interrogating your friend and her boyfriend about this guy, I see you over analyzing a man that has no interest in giving you attention but why? Why do you care at all why he didn't go for a drink, why do you care at all being friends with a man that mistreated you and lied to you? Why he doesn't want to be friend, why he did not show up at the drinks is NOT important. He was a bad dater, he lied to you and didn't treat you right, forget him and forget the whys. Stop obsessing over him.
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