ShyTownGurl Posted December 18, 2017 Posted December 18, 2017 I dated my boyfriend just short of 2 years. We always spoke of marriage and said how we were going to grow old together. The only problem is that he was separated from his wife and never filed for the divorce for financial reasons. I know he was saving to come up with the retainer as he would voluntarily show me his savings and would tell me where he was at with that. We had joined our lives together with joint bank accounts, shared phone plans and even moved into our own place. His ex (or separated wife I should say) also had a boyfriend too but their relationship was stagnant. As soon as she found out we were moving in together she started calling him for any little reason about the kids. He would still go and take care of the kids two days a week so she could work and did throughout the entire time we were together which I didn’t mind at all. He would call and FaceTime me while he was there so I could see and talk to the kids since I had a very close bond with them. Their mother increased the constant calling after we moved in together and would create arguments between us. He was very adamant that being with me is where he wanted to be. About 3 weeks ago, he and I got into a massive argument about her and he said I didn’t trust him (which I did but said I didn’t out of feeling hurt - I know I shouldn’t have done that). He said there was no point in being together if there is no trust. Nasty words were said from both of us and things got ugly so he moved out the very next day to his mothers. I thought that maybe we just needed a cooling off period and would come together when we we’re both level-headed. The very next day after moving out he blocked me off of FB (we used to do this when we would argue sometimes but would end up unblocking that same day or the day after). I thought this was just another one of our dumb fights and we would get past it as we normally do. When we met he took his ex off of his FB and she remained off until 3 weeks after we stopped talking. They are now friends but he still kept my pictures up according to mutual friends and even kept the picture of us up on is featured pics. This morning I was told the pictures came down and he changed his relationship status to “separated” as if he was separated from his wife when his relationship status was blank before soon after we broke up. I’m not sure what’s going on, we have spoken a little bit but not romantically, just about tying up loose ends with the bank accounts and phone plans and giving our apartment back. I’m not sure if he’s going back to his ex or is just moving forward. We are both very stubborn but I would always be the first to give in. I am not giving him the reaction I typically would so I’m not sure if he is trying to get a rise out of me or if he is really is going back to her. I need some clear headed outside perspective here because my judgement is obviously clouded right now with this break up that I really do not want. I also want to add that outside of the ex issues we were completely happy and got along GREAT. Please help me to figure things out - any and all input would be GREATLY appreciated. Thanks!
ByMyself01 Posted December 18, 2017 Posted December 18, 2017 (edited) People in this group are going to be upset with me but the only chance you have of getting him back is to have a child and that's only a 50/50 chance. I would say don't take the risk of being a single mom. Hence, this is the reason I don't date men with kids. More than likely they go back or create more kids. When 2 people have kids together is usually an emotional bond that no one can break if they're decent people. You can't and won't be able to compete with this ex-wife until you yourself become a wife and have a child. He probably wanted her back all along. And now that she was showing him more attention, that was his confirmation and you gave him the exit ticket by starting up arguments. Also, he probably wants to be with his kids more now than ever since the separation Edited December 18, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Redact full quote of starting post
PegNosePete Posted December 18, 2017 Posted December 18, 2017 You got together with a guy who is not available. Mistake number 1. You talked about marriage with a guy who is already married. Mistake number 2. You got joint bank accounts and moved in with someone who is married to someone else! Big mistake! Number 3. He allowed his wife to create arguments between him and you, and you accepted that. Mistake number 4. I'm not sure what you're looking for outside perspective on, or what there is to figure out? He's made it perfectly clear that your relationship is over. The only thing you can do is to move on, and next time, don't ignore all the red flags above. 3
stillafool Posted December 18, 2017 Posted December 18, 2017 You have to understand most men avoid marriage and when they do decide to marry a woman it somehow seems to stick. It's always a bad idea to get involved with a MM whether they have kids with their wife or not. I would not suggest using the old "have a baby to get and keep him" plan as this has failed too many times and puts the child's future in jeopardy. 3
carhill Posted December 18, 2017 Posted December 18, 2017 Welcome to LS. IMO, shut down social media for the holidays and go do stuff with your family and friends and revisit after. If you get out of this deal with only minor damage consider it valuable tuition at relationship U. One tip: In the future, if running across a 'catch' who's not divorced, leverage that process with your time, love, sex, cohabitation. Sounds a bit quid pro quo but life is like that, transactional. The guy doesn't get the benefits unless he pays the price, and that price is divesting himself of his marriage because that often painful process breaks the emotional connection. Guys like to avoid it if possible. We're creatures of habit and comfort away from the brutality of work, serve and protect. This guy had it easy. He didn't have to go through the struggle and pain of a divorce and bonus had a live-in girlfriend to ease him over the few bumps. No doubt he'll find another. He's probably good at it. Think about a New Year's resolution..... it's that time of year. Good luck! 1
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted December 18, 2017 Posted December 18, 2017 I never understand why people stay separated and don't divorce when they both have clearly moved on, and then use money as an excuse. You don't NEED a lawyer to get a divorce unless there was a lot of money to be fought over, and in that case, they probably would have gone straight to divorce and not both moved on with their lives? I just don't get it. It seems like an excuse to me. The only reason I see to stay married and not finalize a divorce is for health insurance reasons, if that exists. I agree with @carhill.....stay off social media. Trying to figure out where your 2 year relationship stands by interpreting what's going on with Facebook and whatnot is not going to lead anywhere.....schedule a meeting and have a face to face talk about it.
LifeNomad Posted December 18, 2017 Posted December 18, 2017 People in this group are going to be upset with me but the only chance you have of getting him back is to have a child and that's only a 50/50 chance. I would say don't take the risk of being a single mom. Hence, this is the reason I don't date men with kids. More than likely they go back or create more kids. When 2 people have kids together is usually an emotional bond that no one can break if they're decent people. You can't and won't be able to compete with this ex-wife until you yourself become a wife and have a child. He probably wanted her back all along. And now that she was showing him more attention, that was his confirmation and you gave him the exit ticket by starting up arguments. Also, he probably wants to be with his kids more now than ever since the separation really bad advice why would they have a child when they are clearly having trouble with their relationship
ByMyself01 Posted December 18, 2017 Posted December 18, 2017 really bad advice why would they have a child when they are clearly having trouble with their relationship I wasn't directly telling her to have a child. I was just telling her that's the only chance she has and that's not even 100% guaranteed. I was making a point by implying that the fact the wife has kids with this man and she doesn't, she has no fight about getting him back or saving her relationship at the current moment.
elaine567 Posted December 18, 2017 Posted December 18, 2017 You got together with a guy who is not available. Mistake number 1. You talked about marriage with a guy who is already married. Mistake number 2. You got joint bank accounts and moved in with someone who is married to someone else! Big mistake! Number 3. He allowed his wife to create arguments between him and you, and you accepted that. Mistake number 4. ^^^ this. You applied the principles of dating an available single man. We love each other, we progress the relationship, we move in together, we get married, we have kids... But this man was not single, far from it and now he has shut you down.. YOU were not really prepared to play second fiddle to is ex, he has realised that. I have no idea if he has gone back to is ex or not, but you need to stay clear as the situation is I guess is at the very least "complicated". Separated people are usually bad news, neither married or single they are often "confused", but they may still tell a story of love everlasting to the unwary as they often NEED someone. Once they get their head straight, they often find the person they need is not the one who is by their side and who "saved" them. They either get back with ex spouse as it was all some dreadful mistake, or they move on to someone else "more suitable".
Downanddown Posted December 18, 2017 Posted December 18, 2017 ^^^ this. You applied the principles of dating an available single man. We love each other, we progress the relationship, we move in together, we get married, we have kids... But this man was not single, far from it and now he has shut you down.. YOU were not really prepared to play second fiddle to is ex, he has realised that. I have no idea if he has gone back to is ex or not, but you need to stay clear as the situation is I guess is at the very least "complicated". Separated people are usually bad news, neither married or single they are often "confused", but they may still tell a story of love everlasting to the unwary as they often NEED someone. Once they get their head straight, they often find the person they need is not the one who is by their side and who "saved" them. They either get back with ex spouse as it was all some dreadful mistake, or they move on to someone else "more suitable". 100% this ^ I was with my ex for 6 years. 2 kids. Ex in the picture who was single I "saved" her from a lot of headaches financially and emotionally . And where does she run to the moment things get tough...in the arms of her ex.
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