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Boyfriend discarded me so callously. Hurt

Minniemouse11

By Minniemouse11
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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CautiouslyOptimistic Established Member

CautiouslyOptimistic

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He changed his mind in the space of a few days? He was still telling me he loved me right up until he dumped me

 

I don't know. Is he a substance abuser?

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1fish2fish Established Member

1fish2fish

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I don't know. Is he a substance abuser?

 

I was JUST going to ask the same question!

 

He sounds a lot like my ex bf aka "the addict" - Very high functioning alcoholic and smokes weed daily.

 

He dumped me in a similar fashion - via fb. No communication, no reason given. He changed his profile picture from one of us to one of his dog and posted passive aggressive quotes about walking the journey of life alone. lol This from a 48 yo man.

 

He also used to shut me out for days at a time and not return texts or calls. It was a total mind f*ck to jerk me around emotionally and I believe it stemmed from insecurity (borne from his addictions.)

 

Anyway...it really messed with my head and heart not knowing "what I did wrong." I did NOTHING wrong, mind you, except become co-dependent on an addict.

 

Your ex will come back around (I swore mine wouldn't based on the cold heartless manner he discarded me, but a few months later the breadcrumbs started and are still going on 8 months after the fact) so guard your heart. You deserve to be treated so much better!

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basil67 Established Member

basil67

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He changed his mind in the space of a few days? He was still telling me he loved me right up until he dumped me

 

No, he was telling you he loved you right up until he went silent. The dumping came after that.

 

Interesting to know he's got a pattern of doing this. Had anything happened before he went silent on you this time? Any discussions, disagreements or fights?

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Saracena Established Member

Saracena

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Thats the thing though, I previously said I hate being ignored because a few months before this he had a habit of ignoring me when he felt like it or if he was annoyed with me . Nothing could get him to stop ignoring me except when he felt like it. I asked him not to ignore me before and if he had a problem to talk about it with me. Guess he never listened. That's why it was very touchy for him to ignore me. He was going good for about 2 months with texting me and not ignoring me.

 

What I don't understand is, since he has a history of ignoring you, what made you think, on this occasion, it was because he wanted to break up with you? Did he actually admit (previously) he did it because he was annoyed with you, or was it a conclusion you drew yourself?

 

How is he generally about talking about issues he may be unhappy about or is this passive-aggressive behaviour his sole way of letting you know things aren't OK? (Of course he's not going to 'listen' to your concerns since he knows/knew this was a weapon he could use to annoy, upset you!) Personally I would hate to be dealing with someone who acts like this and some people don't always grow out of this type of behaviour! It's childish and a bit manipulative. I'd have just 'ignored' him back on these occasions, until he came round!

 

I, too wondered if something happened prior to this, which triggered this last episode. This whole interaction between you two sounds very 'reactionary' to me and conducting communication like this over text just serves to complicate matters even more-to much scope for misunderstandings etc

 

For the record I don't believe he was lying all along, at all.

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Punctuation
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Jdoublenn Established Member

Jdoublenn

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Agreed with above.. Looking forward to hearing OP's response.

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Minniemouse11 Member

Minniemouse11

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What I don't understand is, since he has a history of ignoring you, what made you think, on this occasion, it was because he wanted to break up with you? Did he actually admit (previously) he did it because he was annoyed with you, or was it a conclusion you drew yourself?

 

How is he generally about talking about issues he may be unhappy about or is this passive-aggressive behaviour his sole way of letting you know things aren't OK? (Of course he's not going to 'listen' to your concerns since he knows/knew this was a weapon he could use to annoy, upset you!) Personally I would hate to be dealing with someone who acts like this and some people don't always grow out of this type of behaviour! It's childish and a bit manipulative. I'd have just 'ignored' him back on these occasions, until he came round!

 

I, too wondered if something happened prior to this, which triggered this last episode. This whole interaction between you two sounds very 'reactionary' to me and conducting communication like this over text just serves to complicate matters even more-to much scope for misunderstandings etc

 

For the record I don't believe he was lying all along, at all.

 

It was a conclusion I drew myself but he seemed to do it when he was annoyed with me or angry. I told him I hate being ignored if he has a problem just talk to me about it! He seemed to always revert back to ignoring me though. It felt kind of passive aggressive. We didn't have an argument before this he just seemed annoyed with me. It made me so anxious when he was clearly ignoring me I guess I just got angry :( My friend told me he joined a dating site. Literally not even a week after he dumped me. I joined just to see if it was him and it was. He viewed my profile and that was it. Nearly a week into the breakup and he hasn't once tried to contact me. He seems to have moved on already if he is online dating

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Minniemouse11 Member

Minniemouse11

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I was JUST going to ask the same question!

 

He sounds a lot like my ex bf aka "the addict" - Very high functioning alcoholic and smokes weed daily.

 

He dumped me in a similar fashion - via fb. No communication, no reason given. He changed his profile picture from one of us to one of his dog and posted passive aggressive quotes about walking the journey of life alone. lol This from a 48 yo man.

 

He also used to shut me out for days at a time and not return texts or calls. It was a total mind f*ck to jerk me around emotionally and I believe it stemmed from insecurity (borne from his addictions.)

 

Anyway...it really messed with my head and heart not knowing "what I did wrong." I did NOTHING wrong, mind you, except become co-dependent on an addict.

 

Your ex will come back around (I swore mine wouldn't based on the cold heartless manner he discarded me, but a few months later the breadcrumbs started and are still going on 8 months after the fact) so guard your heart. You deserve to be treated so much better![/quote

 

I really don't think he will ever contact me again. He's on a dating site now not a care in the world. Already after moving on less than a week after we broke up! I'll admit I do miss him even though I know I deserve better. It just hurts more that he doesn't even think of me now! :(

LoverOfDance Established Member

LoverOfDance

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I honestly feel for you. The situation sucks. However, saying that he doesn't remember you is absolutely ridiculous. He definitely remembers you and I am 100% sure that he thinks of you. I don't know if he thinks of you in a loving way but he definitely thinks of you. If you ask me, the only way he wouldn't think of you is if he suddenly caught amnesia.

 

I don't know everything about your relationship with him but from what you have written I would say you should move on. Stop trying to figure out the situation. Leave it and go. It's a really negative situation. If he doesn't want to work things out or even end things on a good note, leave it be. Don't spend anymore energy on this, it is too heavy if you ask me. Focus on something light and positive. With time, you'll feel better.

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Jdoublenn Established Member

Jdoublenn

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I really don't think he will ever contact me again. He's on a dating site now not a care in the world. Already after moving on less than a week after we broke up! I'll admit I do miss him even though I know I deserve better. It just hurts more that he doesn't even think of me now! :(

 

Thats a big ol lie! Trust me, even if he's on dating sites, he didn't just "forget", although i'm sure he's trying. Just do your thing and try and cope with the loss/end of R, but don't for one second think he forgot you that easily OR quickly.

 

When I left my X, I moved states away yet (silly me) we kept talking for a few weeks until he decided he had enough. We'll say he 'ended it' at that point. Went on dating sites, talking to everyone and their mother who was a female.. He tried SO hard to get over me in an instant, yet was still checking all my social media, constantly keeping an eye on me because he could't forget/find better LOL (although he tried hard). We are working things out now, but he told me intermittently about checking my profile and even not admits how much more often he did than he told me then. *silly boys*

 

You're a bada** girl! You'll find someone just as great as you one day, but it sure as heck wont be him! And thats something to be thankful for.

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spiderowl Established Member

spiderowl

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I'm sure no-one knows why this guy has behaved like this. I presume he is someone who just avoids confrontation like the plague.

 

Maybe he was spinning a story to you - he should not have done of course, it's a crap way to behave.

 

Maybe he met someone else and immediately realised she was the one for him - shows he didn't know his own mind and that he is totally unpredictable.

 

All I can say is, some people can put it on and behave like crap. Who knows how or why they do this. There is little point trying to understand someone who does not behave like a decent person. He could be a sociopath or psychopath, good at manipulating people.

 

I am sorry you had this horrible experience. Don't blame yourself for it. It is not easy to see these people for what they really are - even with a lot of experience. I bet more women have been caught out by these people than they would like to admit. They are good at deceiving others. Or, good at not knowing themselves and being changeable. The only sure thing is you will be better off out of this relationship. You have the chance one day of meeting a decent guy who would never dream of behaving like this. You are not at fault; you loved him and treated him well. He has some kind of personality problem.

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Minniemouse11 Member

Minniemouse11

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Today is the day we were supposed to be heading away for our Christmas break. I feel more upset today than I have all week. He will not even text me to wish me a happy Christmas. He literally has totally forgot I even exist. If I see him in public he pretends I don't exist. After all we had planned between us and the things he said. I want to talk to him but I know no good would come of it, he would ignore me again and I would feel even worse. I would feel so guilty dumping someone like that and never contacting them again to even see how they are. He seems to move on really easy.

Jdoublenn Established Member

Jdoublenn

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Guys always seem to move on easy, that’s the sucky part. Only thing you can do at this point is ignore him “better”. Keep up with the NC and work on yourself and your happiness. ((Hugs))

rubyjuly Established Member

rubyjuly

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I'm really sorry... 8 months while not a huge amount of time is enough of a chunk of time definitely that a decent person would talk to you in person, beforehand to first of all let you know what they're unhappy with to presumably work together on the relationship. If that person wants to just break up after 8 months they really if they're a little bit decent of a human being would meet and talk to you about it in a concerned caring manner

So I'm not sure if he's super young like late teens or is just a huge immature jerk but for sure if hat is how he treats a partner after the better part of a year together you are better off without him

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Minniemouse11 Member

Minniemouse11

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Guys always seem to move on easy, that’s the sucky part. Only thing you can do at this point is ignore him “better”. Keep up with the NC and work on yourself and your happiness. ((Hugs))

 

Guys always seem to move on easy, that’s the sucky part. Only thing you can do at this point is ignore him “better”. Keep up with the NC and work on yourself and your happiness. ((Hugs))

 

Major update: So he actually texted me Christmas Eve. I didn't get a chance to post until now. He had to text my phone as I had him blocked everywhere else. I was debating for hours on whether I should reply or not. Asked my family what they thought. But I was so angry I wanted answers from him so I replied (I know, bad!) I later found out he was drunk sending these texts! He texted first saying you broke up with me (kind of angry text). I replied saying I didn't break up with you. Your words exactly were we are finished.

 

He continued to say he didn't break up with me. He said he never wanted to break up with me, he loves me and was happy with me. He missed me and wanted to text me throughout the week but was scared I wouldn't reply because I seemed angry with him (?). He said he wanted to be the better person and text me first. He said he only cancelled our trip the day before he text me because he was hoping I would contact him. He said he doesn't want this hate between us and wants to sort it out. He kept saying how much he loves me and I was like how much so because you don't act like it and he said you don't know how much.

 

I said I don't understand your behaviour, you ignore me for no reason. His reply for that was he's not used to having someone in his life, he doesn't know how to treat me. That the last girlfriend he had he was a teenager. (What the hell?) Aparently he doesn't ignore me he just doesn't know what to say to me (huh?!) cos we don't have anything to text after awhile. So right I'm totally confused. Should I take this as drunk talk and means nothing? He was coherent enough to text long messages but I don't know what any of this even means my head is all over the place. I'd appreciate some insight.

1fish2fish Established Member

1fish2fish

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He was drunk.

 

There is no need to text him again.

 

Please block him from your phone.

 

Edited to add: Just because he was "coherent" doesn't mean he wasn't "that" drunk.

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Minniemouse11 Member

Minniemouse11

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He was drunk.

 

There is no need to text him again.

 

Please block him from your phone.

 

Edited to add: Just because he was "coherent" doesn't mean he wasn't "that" drunk.

 

So he didn't mean anything he said?

1fish2fish Established Member

1fish2fish

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So he didn't mean anything he said?

 

Has he ever???

 

I don't mean to be callous about it. I know you're hurting. But my ex said all kinds of lovely words when he was drunk. Unfortunately, he said all kinds ugly words when he wasn't. His actions supported his ugly words, so no...I don't believe *anything* a drunk person says.

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Minniemouse11 Member

Minniemouse11

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Has he ever???

 

I don't mean to be callous about it. I know you're hurting. But my ex said all kinds of lovely words when he was drunk. Unfortunately, he said all kinds ugly words when he wasn't. His actions supported his ugly words, so no...I don't believe *anything* a drunk person says.

 

You're right. I was hoping he was being truthful for once but even while drunk he's telling me things he doesn't mean. I don't get it, I would never tell someone I love them if I didn't mean it. I don't understand this guy at all.

CeciliaCylara Established Member

CeciliaCylara

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You're right. I was hoping he was being truthful for once but even while drunk he's telling me things he doesn't mean. I don't get it, I would never tell someone I love them if I didn't mean it. I don't understand this guy at all.

 

There's nothing to understand. People who change in personality with no rhyme or reason have something mentally dysfunctional going on, which can be amplified with alcohol. It's their problem and it's not in your power to fix it, only they can. Trust me, I've been there. My ex has told me he still loved me after he broke us up, only to get a new gf just weeks later. It's all BS.

 

Don't listen to his words, look at his ACTIONS. How can you trust someone who says one thing then acts a different way? The person you thought he was is wrong, and you're so lucky you've gotten a clean break from this fool rather than to see his true colors after moving in with him. He will not be the man you need him to be. Not now, and maybe never. That's his loss. You are loving and caring, and these feelings can be accessed again for the right person in the future. Deep inside, you probably saw the red flags in the relationship about him, but you ignored them due to your love for him. Find forgiveness in yourself for ignoring those flags and learn from the experience instead. Don't let any obstacles like him get in the way of finding happiness for yourself.

Edited by CeciliaCylara
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TheOnlyOne73 Established Member

TheOnlyOne73

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During the last break-up a year ago with most recent ex, he would call me up when drunk and ask me to come meet him.

 

He did all the usual kissing, hugging, sexual stuff etc, even asked me to lie beneath the stars with him! He would lure me into a false sense of security, and I would allow myself to be lured into it (stupidly).

 

The next day he would be back to his usual self, still maintaining his decision to break-up, saying last night was a mistake. It hurt even more to allow myself back into his arms only to have all my hopes shattered and to come crashing down again (as if the first time wasn't bad enough!)

 

Don't fall for it like I did (I didn't even know Loveshack or similar forums existed back then), something tells me this guy will only break your heart again.

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