Still living together after break up but getting along better. Did I make a mistake?

[drdre]

Hi everyone!

 

First of all I want to say how thankful I am to this site. I love being able to come here, vent, read other's stories, share compassion and support with each other... It makes these tough things a little more bearable.

 

For more context on my story, you can read my previous thread here.

 

Short story is, we've been dating for 2.5 years and living together now for 6 months. I'm 32, she is 34. I have a 9yr old daughter and am divorced. In the beginning of our relationship, I was madly in love and "just knew" she was the one. She was strong, independent, career driven, everything I looked for. She loved me and my daughter, she is super thoughtful, we had great communication, great sex... really couldn't ask for more.

 

About 1yr into the relationship is when I posted the previous thread. I started having some doubts that while she was a great girlfriend, I wasn't sure if we were compatible enough to get married. We have different approach to money (she's mostly broke but yet lives above her means), she's vegetarian (which often caused some conflict), not really anything in common (besides traveling, drinking and going out to eat) and she's pretty high maintenance while Im easygoing.

 

After the new year last year, we had a really good and long talk and things got better. I started taking her on more dates like she wanted, she became a bit more easy going and not letting expectations ruin things, we figured out a system for cooking where everyone can be happy, etc... things were heading in a good direction. After 6 months of things improving, while still not ready to propose to her, I did feel ready to ask her to move in.

 

She moved in and things got rocky again. We had conflict around things I expect are normal for every couple that moves in (i.e chores, whose things are we keeping, who pays for what, etc) but I couple things are worth highlighting.

 

1-When we moved in, I thought I'd get a preview of what being married to her would be like. Get to see her as my partner, sharing the responsibilities of a house, chores, bills, everything. I felt like she didnt deliver there. When asked her about it, she felt like I was trying to just get the milk for free and taken advantage of without any commitment from me. She felt conflicted between playing wife and step mom vs holding out on some things until after I bought the cow.

 

2- Over the last 6 months, I feel the relationship regressed some. Before, when we got into a fight, someone was always willing to apologize and talk instead of going to bed mad. We were really good at communicating. Now, we can go days without speaking and often go to sleep in different rooms. I also feel like anytime we go out for something fun like a concert or a party, if we drink, we get into fights about the most irrelevant stuff (Im guilty often too, not just her). We rarely go out, have drinks then come home happy and in love and have hot sex (we used to).

 

Last week we went to some drinks, got into a fight about something stupid, drove home in silence and to bed facing away from each other. In the morning, I asked her "is this us now? We go out to have a fun night but instead, we always find a way to fight and end the night like this?". There has been a lot of pressure around us getting married, both from her and from our friends and family. So I asked her "Would you even want to get married if this is how things are?" She said, no. The next day she was going to out of town to see some friends and family. When she got back, we talked again and decided it was best we broke up. We've been asking things from each other for a while that we both cant consistently do and it's time to stop kicking the can down the road avoiding the inevitable. Her complaints about me were mostly that I am not romantic enough or make her feel loved by doing little things for her like leaving notes or surprising her with breakfast in bed, flowers, surprise dates etc. She also things Im too critical of her without highlighting her qualities enough. She thinks Im never going to be ready to propose because Im waiting for things to be "perfect" and thats not reality.

 

Since I do love her and we ended on good terms, I told her she can take her time finding a new place so we are going to be living as roommates for a little while. Probably till February or so. She is going to be on a tight budget so finding a place will take some time. Specially since it usually involves down payments and fees she doesnt have money for right now. She is going out of town for the holidays which is probably for the best but it is also super sad. We had presents and traditions already in place and its not going to be the same now. I'm dreading Christmas eve already after my daughter goes to sleep and I'm alone. Also, we decided to wait till after the holidays to tell my daughter. We are going to sit down together and talk to her to give her a chance to ask questions and say goodbye. That part makes me cry every time I think about it.

 

Now here is the twist. Since we broke up this past week, we've actually been getting along really well. On friday for example, I planned to take my daughter to see Christmas lights. We love it and we go every year. 2 years ago, my Lindsay came with us but hated it so last year she didnt come. This year though, since my daughter doesnt know yet, she begged my ex to come and so she came. We had an amazing time. Laughing, dancing, just being a happy little family. Even though we showed no affection, it was still one of the best nights we've had in a while. Then last night for example, we sat down and watched one of her favorite movies. She has always mentioned wanting us to watch each other's favorite movies but we never did. Not that I resisted but just didnt think much of it as being something important. We drank wine and laughed and made plans to watch my movie tonight. Again, no affection but still a fun night. We also got together Saturday morning and addressed our Christmas card together. It has us three as a little family and we are still sending them even though we are broken up.

 

Anyways, with all of this fun we are having now and how well we are getting along, it almost makes me mad at us that we couldnt have done these things for each other sooner. Maybe it would have saved the relationship? Why is it happening now? I find myself often sad and crying when I talk about it. From what I can see, she is doing totally fine which I dont understand it considering she wanted to get married so badly.

 

Am I just sad because going through breakups are hard and Im human or is it a sign I made a mistake? Most of the time I think it's the right thing given how many questions I had about marrying her but other times I fear Im letting a great girl go. I know you guys can't diagnose my heart after reading this thread but Im hoping you will ask me some questions and give me some insights in order to help me figure it out. If nothing else, it has been good writing about it. I hate pestering my friends with this. Specially if we ever get back together.

 

What does YOUR gut tell you after reading this?

 

Thanks everyone and Happy Holidays!

 

Andre

Edited December 17, 2017 by drdre
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[Nilfiry]

Your preconceptions will often change how you see the world, and with preconceptions come expectations. A more metaphorical way to say it is that your state of mind is like a pair of tinted glasses that slightly alters the way you see the same things, and because the way you see things are different, you will also expect different things. In this case, though, it is more like you are finally removing those glasses and seeing things normally once again.

 

That is to say, perhaps it is because of the change in your relationship that changed the way you two treat each other.

 

In a relationship, you tend to expect things of each other. You tend to want your partner to act or be a certain way: be faithful, do chores, take care of the children, etc.. These expectations become like a chain restricting each other and causing some tension when one wants to move one way and the other another way. This tension leads you two to disagree and argue until you reach a breaking point.

 

When you finally break up on peaceful terms, all of these expectations also shatters with the relationship, and the tension is lifted. You finally see again the things that you missed when you still had the glasses known as a relationship on. Without all the weights and add ons, you are able to freely be around each other again, and see why you got along in the first place. That reminder makes you feel the regret that you feel about breaking up now.

 

The label of a relationship changes everything about how two people interact most of the time.

 

I personally feel that you should not get back together with her. The fist time should have hinted that these changes are not exactly ones that you can easily cope with, and it is harder to change yourself than to do almost anything else. Even though things are looking better now does not mean they will stay that way if you got back together. Most likely, the past will just repeat itself.

 

I am not for or against it either way. There is always a way for those willing to look, after all. Good luck things.

[SevenCity]

From what you describe she seems selfish. She will only do X once she has a ring, being in love with you is not enough apparently. She’s high maintenance to boot and poor with managing her finances.

 

These qualities would bother me (more the selfishness) but that’s for you to decide. She won’t magically change her ways once she gets married, she will likely get worse.

 

I agree with the above poster you are now both free without expectations. Just because people get along doesn’t mean they are compatible in a relationship.

 

Personally I would look at this objectively and see if you could deal with them for the rest of your life.

 

My best relationships were with women who were givers and selfless. Hard to find them though.

[olivetree]

If you guys can work through problems well generally but still have major issues neither of you are willing to compromise on and can't really live with (like religion and money), then you are probably better off going your separate ways. Basically it sounds like you two have different lifestyles.

 

Things are great right now because you have no expectations of each other. But once you commit again you'll still have your incompatible lifestyles to deal with.

[Mr.Me]

Lots of things seem different when the pressure is off. One of the things that makes me feel like marriage, the contractual agreement of owning another human being is a bad idea. That paper seems to change the way people think and react. It goes from a feeling of "I can deal with this right now" to "I CANT deal with this for the rest of my life"

[drdre]

I had a long talk with my sister today after which she gave me a new perspective on things. In the grand scheme of things, she HAS compromised in some big things such as the vegetarian thing - she backed off out hypothetical kids having to be vegetarian and she now cooks meat for the family. Even though she isn't very religious, she agreed that she'd support it and have the kids follow my belief. She moved to the subburb to be with me and accepts my daughter.

 

After thinking about those things more, I started to feel like the things I complain about today are in fact petty in comparison (I.e not wanting to go to the gym or homeless shelter with me). I also realized that I haven't really compromised as much for her as things have been mostly on my terms and timeliness (when she met my daughter, when she move in and the fact we aren't engaged or married yet since if it was up to her we would've already).

 

After coming to that conclusion, I decided to talk to her tonight and tell her my feelings. Tell her I don't want to break up and that I want to give it another try. Unfortunately, she said that she has made her mind up about moving out and she wants to see that through. I totally understand where she is coming from given that we've had fights and talks before when we both said we'd change some things, I meant to be more romantic to please her but reverted back to normal over time. The difference for me now is that I somewhat feel like I may have taken some aspects of our relationship for granted and I appreciate them more that I'm losing her.

 

I'm feeling like I'd even be ready to propose now if we got back together and just commit to make the relationship work through good times and bad times. Truly get behind "love is a choice and a commitment " thing.

 

How do I convey this without sounding like I'm just feeling this way because I don't want to lose her? I mean, he's I don't want to lose her, but I also feel like I'm looking at her through different lenses now.

 

PS - I've also called to make an appointment for counseling for myself. I think it's something that would be good for me, even if not for this relationship. I told her that too as a token demonstration of how I think things will be different. Not sure if it meant anything to her though.

 

Thanks!!

[bluecastle]

Sorry to hear all you're going through.

 

It is natural, and inevitable, that in the immediate aftermath of a breakup we're flooded with a new perspective on things: what seemed like giant, unbridgeable chasms suddenly seem like small cracks that are easily mendable; behavior that seemed selfish and frustrating and raised questions about compatibility is suddenly totally forgivable; and we want to take action, and act NOW, to fix everything right away. Hence you're suddenly ready and eager to propose—because that would just save everything!

 

Instead of reacting to all that try to take a deep breath and observe it. She has told you how she feels right now—she wants to see the breakup through—so you have to respect that. Don't push, don't try to to control. Nothing you say will change that, and I think you need to be really honest with yourself about whether you really, truly want to be back together. Give yourself time to let that question wander about in your mind—the answer may change daily, hourly, and that's okay.

 

So just sit in this kind of emotional purgatory for a bit. Be kind to yourself and kind to her, and let time guide both of you to the next chapter. That may be rekindling things, but she needs to feel the way you do, and right now she doesn't.

[drdre]

Sorry to hear all you're going through.

 

It is natural, and inevitable, that in the immediate aftermath of a breakup we're flooded with a new perspective on things: what seemed like giant, unbridgeable chasms suddenly seem like small cracks that are easily mendable; behavior that seemed selfish and frustrating and raised questions about compatibility is suddenly totally forgivable; and we want to take action, and act NOW, to fix everything right away. Hence you're suddenly ready and eager to propose—because that would just save everything!

 

Instead of reacting to all that try to take a deep breath and observe it. She has told you how she feels right now—she wants to see the breakup through—so you have to respect that. Don't push, don't try to to control. Nothing you say will change that, and I think you need to be really honest with yourself about whether you really, truly want to be back together. Give yourself time to let that question wander about in your mind—the answer may change daily, hourly, and that's okay.

 

So just sit in this kind of emotional purgatory for a bit. Be kind to yourself and kind to her, and let time guide both of you to the next chapter. That may be rekindling things, but she needs to feel the way you do, and right now she doesn't.

 

So I'm guessing going and buying a ring is a bad idea? I want to show her I mean business.

[Nilfiry]

You do not have to be fancy. Just find time, and plenty of it, and spill your heart out. You do not need fancy words or a rehearsed script. Just say what comes to mind. The key is talking. As long as you are talking, you will eventually get her to understand your views. If she does not accept you even after all that, then you have tried your best.

 

And yeah, do not buy a ring. lol You do not need that to show your sincerity because sincerity is felt, not seen.

[ayoung73]

It is so rare to find someone to have fun with, someone you can goof around and have fun with…leave it alone, work on your own issues and find a way to appeal to her…if this is what you want! If you don’t, take advantage of your opportunities and fight through the pain, the jealousy, and the anger…your existence can be measured with an empty cup. I hate to use clichés, but this may be indicative of healing, a foundation for greater things between the two of you. Build upon that, and if it ends up that the two of you are not together, you’ll have a wonderful friend. Bottom line: work on yourself, but don’t blind yourself to the possibilities. My wife and I rebuilt our marriage after an affair, the key component was courtship. We asked each other out on dates and acted as if we were strangers (as much as we could). I think it’s a second chance, just build upon the circumstances and, hopefully, he’ll be star material!

[drdre]

It is so rare to find someone to have fun with, someone you can goof around and have fun with…leave it alone, work on your own issues and find a way to appeal to her…if this is what you want! If you don’t, take advantage of your opportunities and fight through the pain, the jealousy, and the anger…your existence can be measured with an empty cup. I hate to use clichés, but this may be indicative of healing, a foundation for greater things between the two of you. Build upon that, and if it ends up that the two of you are not together, you’ll have a wonderful friend. Bottom line: work on yourself, but don’t blind yourself to the possibilities. My wife and I rebuilt our marriage after an affair, the key component was courtship. We asked each other out on dates and acted as if we were strangers (as much as we could). I think it’s a second chance, just build upon the circumstances and, hopefully, he’ll be star material!

Wanted to give an update in case anyone is following. We talked last weekend and it went really well. We both believe in us and acknowledged we stopped doing some things that got us in love to begin with (me especially). We decided to get back together and give 110%. I feel really good about things right now since it all feels like we are back at the very beginning of dating all over again. She had already planned to spend a week away during the holidays to avoid us being here but broken up but since we reconciled, we've been missing each other a lot. We are going away on a "weekend of love" for New Years to reset our relationship and start the new year on a fresh, happy, love filled note.

 

Thanks for those who have read this far! I will continue to give updates as things develop. Specially if there is a happy ending with marriage and kids since we don't see those often. Love you guys!