Fearful attachment theory- perspective

[BriNyc82]

Hi everyone

 

I'm looking for some perspective for those of you that may have a fearful avoidant attachment or are familiar with this subject.

 

I was seeing a really great guy for a few months. Everything was fine up until emotions were involved. I sensed some red flags along the way but it was too early to act on any of them (him being aloof to my emotional cues, admitting that communication was an issue in his past, and him displaying how he feels by showing rather vocalizing). I do not believe he didn't have feelings for me. He said he did. But he's not very good at connecting with his emotions and shuts down at any conversation remotely having to do with feelings or acknowledging mine.

 

I had to end the relationship bc it wasn't healthy for me, especially since I think I might be anxious avoider. Being able to connect is extremely important to me especially as I am looking to build a solid foundation with a long term partner. I am so upset that it came to this but I guess my question is, how do these types of people handle breakups? He has completely shut me out. And again, I don't think it was necessarily about "me" but I'm sure I didn't help since what I crave is what he fears and prob made him uncomfortable with these convos.

 

Thanks!

[Danika]

Hi Brin,

 

I think what you're describing is he is dismissive-avoidant and you're either fearful-avoidant (another way to say anxious avoidant) or anxious-preoccupied.

 

It's really good that you got out before you got too attached, otherwise it can feel impossible once you've fallen in love if you're anxious. Or maybe you're not even as anxious as you think you are, but someone who is avoidant can really bring that out in you.

 

I'm going through something similar right now. The relationship always falls apart as soon as their is a problem and we have fallen apart again. Avoidant types don't know how to work through problems and they give up very easily and distance themselves. It's very painful. I'm here for support if you need it.

[BriNyc82]

Thanks Danika I appreciate that. I've been trying to focus on my long term needs and reinforcing that when I get sad. I think I am a bit anxious in general but it's definitely hightened when someone can't open up. I know he had a pretty rough childhood but I can't make him change. It's just sad then it ended badly when nothing even happened. What would happen if we were together and we had an actual real life problem?

 

As someone who is very self aware and in tune probably a little too much I just can't understand someone who detached and shuts down. I know it's common for men but I can't understand. I guess I have to have faith that he's doing whatever he thinks is best for him at this moment. Even tho it sucks.

 

I'm here for you too if u need an ear

[Danika]

You were really strong and did the right thing. If you'd fallen in love, it can feel impossible to leave if you're anxious. I know what you mean about feeling like what if you had a real problem. Like, if he can't even handle discussing emotions, what kind of support would you be if you lost a parent or sibling?

 

I don't know what it's like to be shut out by an avoidant other than stonewalling in a fight. No one has ever shut me out completely but that would feel really awful. But you did break up with him and lots of people do the NC thing.

 

Could you tell me a bit more about what happened?

[BriNyc82]

Hi danika my thoughts exactly. What happens if one of us lost a loved one or a job? a real problem!

 

I am 35 and he is 34. He moved to NY a year ago from the midwest and still hasnt met any friends here. He's a bit introverted and shy but it didnt really bother me. We had a little heart to heart two months in bc i noticed that he was a bit closed off. He said he's not a good communicator and that he was in therapy and was considering going back and this was an issue in his past (only bc i asked him). He said he just needs a bit of a push and i may have to be the one to push him. So i thought this was a good break through.

 

OVer the next month i tried to give him friendly lay ups like texting on tgiving that i was gratefu we both swiped right. Friendly but cute and was hoping he would say something in response to which he ignored that. Anyway as we got closer he pulled more and more away. And i brought up again how important it was for me that we are transparent and without communication how can we levelset expectations or know what each other needs? He said he tends to show how he feels more than he articulates it but for me i cant equate him doing things to what his intentions are. And i really considered if we were a good fit in this aspect. I would pour our my heart and say i dont want to give up on this but its possible that we are looking for a diff kind of relationship and his responses never seemed to be a reponse to what i said. He would just say hes not good at communication, he's not in touch with his feelings blah blah I told him that it makes me feel rejected when im the only one verbalizing how i feel and he cant acknowledge and even still he doesnt get it. I just dont want to force this...

 

as a backstory, he had also gotten his sperm tested because of an enlarged vein he had which can affect fertility and the results werent good. And he had also opened up to me about his crappy childhood. (His dad left when he was young and he remembers his mom bundling im and sis up in the car and drove off to their aunts. And his mom was basically a mess in how she handled the divorce)

 

So we were supposed to see each other a few weekends ago before I was travelling for work an dhe totally blew me off. Didnt give me a heads up. Just retreated in tohis cave. I can appreciate him wanting him alone or whatever but dont just blow me off ya know? Anyway i just realized this guy is afraid of conflict, even him saying at this point that he likes me is tough for him to do. We took a few days when i travelled for chicago and then i ended it when i got back and he has said nothing in response. maybe he just feel relieved that he doesnt have to deal with all of these emotions but I am worried about him. It's so not like him to do this. He really is a sweet guy and a good guy. I just think this all triggered something from his childhood and he doesnt know how to deal......I dont think he was planning on ending it with me bc he was telling me how he finished getting me all my holiday presents... It just sucks. He wont let me understand. He wont let me in but I know I cant fix him. So that's that!!!! I really don't think it ha to do with me though. When we were together I could tell he really was in to me. We went away for a mini weekend trip and he met some of my friends and he said it was the most fun he had in NY since he's been here. I just think it was all too much for him emotionally and it's easier to avoid!

[bluecastle]

I'm genuinely sorry to hear you're going through this.

 

It sounds (and I write this as a 38 yr old man/recovering conflict-avoidant) like he is handling the breakup in exactly the same way he handled the relationship: by shutting down when emotions swirl. That probably brings him momentary relief, followed by all sorts of doubt and sadness and frustration—feelings you'd love to hear him express, if only for clarity's sake and to know that his affection for you is/was genuine and on the same level as yours.

 

Problem is, those feelings are another dose of conflict, and so rather than engage and express himself he doubles down on disengagement, seeking that quick hit of relief, and the cycle repeats itself and you find yourself confused and anxious and worried for him since your reaction to conflict is the precise opposite. But he's "fine"—he needs to work this out on his own, and whether or not he does, as you said, isn't something you can do for him.

 

I'm in a version of this situation myself, only I ignored the red flags, partly because I'd regressed a bit early on, and ended up falling in love with a woman who couldn't deal with conflict with devastating results. (Want a soap opera? Check out my thread!) I kept thinking my ability to communicate and diffuse conflict would be enough for two, but, alas, that's not how it works.

 

Your strength and self-awareness is really inspiring—it allowed you to spot this early and stay on the path to cultivating what you ultimately want. I wasn't so evolved when I got into my last relationship, and had to learn some really hard (but needed) lessons in some very deep trenches.

 

Apologies for the rambling response—just want to say I feel for you, hear you, and am out here rooting for you as you heal.

[BriNyc82]

Thanks Bluecastle! I will go and look at your thread in a little! When i talk to some of my friends they just say "he wasn't into you, he's a jerk" and they take everything at face value. Only a few of of my friends really get the psychology part of this....It's definitely possible that he wasn't into me and that his feelings weren't real but I don't think that is the case.

 

Especially in the early dating period it's important to be clear and up front. In your case (and i'll read your thread soon) it's also hard to know if something is a red flag and if it means trouble or if its something that can be fixed. And when you see the flag what do you do about it? In my case I saw some red flags but wasn't sure if it was something he could work on. I thought it was early and he still had time to open up. Part of me feels like I gave up on him but he wasn't giving me any indication that he wanted to fight for this or take care of himself. I wasn't looking for him to be as emotional as me, but at least taking baby steps and moving in the right direction. I felt like this would have been a point of contention the entire relationship.

 

The thing that I crave is what he fears. Not a good mix i guess. But maybe thats what attracted him to me. subconsciously.

 

What ultimately made you get help or realize that you wanted a change? I know I cant change him but at least I know that I need to get a better handle of my emotions when I do get anxcious and can grow from this.

 

Thank you for listening =)

[1fish2fish]

As someone who stayed in a relationsh*t with a conflict avoidant man wayyyy too long, I just want you to know how much I admire you for ending things early on. It sucks now, but it would have sucked a thousand-fold worse had you tried to hang in there and continued dating him.

[BriNyc82]

thanks fishy. I think I needed to hear that! The beginning is when it should be fun right? Taking milestones and feeling good about them, and saying a simple i'm happy with where this going and a "me too"! I don't feel like I was even asking a lot and its sad that I would have settled for the breadcrumbs that he was able to give me. I guess part of me feels like I gave up and I don't feel strong.... but I know it would have been an uphill battle and a fight every step of the way. If it's hard now, it never would have been easy. Mentally I know this, but I miss him. I'm also 35 year old woman. There's a reason why most of the men in my dating pool are single.....sigh

[Danika]

You know, what I don't really understand is that secure people crave intimacy too. How does anyone work well with an avoidant?

[Minnie09]

Bri:

 

 

 

I think I’ve been through a similar scenario, even though I don’t know if it compares to your situation or not. Anyways, I’ve been with a guy – on and off – for almost 4 years now, and while I’ve always been the one who craves total intimacy, in all Rs I’ve ever had, ie being with my best friend, sharing everything, almost melting two people into one person, with friendship, romance, sex, intimacy, all rolled up in to one, he’s been the one who’s always held back a little bit. But I liked him for many other reasons, especially his intellect. Sex was great, he was generous with his time and money, etc.

 

Anyways, last time we communicated was one month ago, because – again – I brought something up that I wanted to discuss and that was important to me, not too touchy-feely, but something that maybe made him feel uncomfortable, because it did involve emotions. So what happened was that he turned my quite serious statement into something funny, I think in order to hide from the serious emotions that he’s always been uncomfortable with, and my reaction was to basically tell him “where to go”......

 

He then apologized for turning a serious discussion into something funny, but I never replied again, and I have not reached out ever since, and neither has he. Even though we’ve had a pretty good relationship, I have to say that based on his fear of opening up to me, I suppose he’d rather not talk to me at all ever again, instead of just trying to resolve the issue and move on from it. In the past, we always used to be able to bounce back from a situation like that, but in this case, and because it’s been going on for so many years, I just don’t have the energy anymore, and I think nothing will ever change, and we will always be talking in circles. Never resolving anything. Never having a real discussion. And so I’ll just let it be. I don’t know if he’ll ever come around, he may or he may not, and he may learn from it, or not… But at this point, I feel like I’m over it.

 

I am determined to let the chips fall where they may. Not sure about your guy. Maybe he’ll contact you again, and that would be a good start to have exactly this discussion that may change your R forever. It may be too late for me, though. Oh well.

[bluecastle]

What made me change?

 

Lots of time, mainly. When I was younger I was really focused on my career—I thought deep happiness could be found in success, and so I dug into that and kept romance at bay. But as I got older, and was fortunate to find success, I realized that my deepest moments of happiness came from sharing your life with others: strangers, friends, and, at the peak, romantic partners. And the more you open up the sweeter the joy.

 

I've had some big, transformative loves one the years, but one common thread was that I was always a bit closed off. I was always giving all I had at the time, of course, but it wasn't enough to sustain love and there's nothing like the ache of losing love (at least for me) to trigger deep introspection. So I started to explore the roots of my own trust and intimacy issues—acknowledging all this to myself has helped me acknowledge them to others, and in that vulnerability I've begun to learn that exposing myself is ultimately far more satisfying than being self protective.

 

Also, I know what I want now: a partner. I haven't found it yet, but knowing has changed my ideas of relationships. What once scared me (working for it, fighting for it, talking through it) now thrills me since it's the only way to build a real foundation. What you said about craving the thing he fears—I was in the exact same place with my ex, using those exact words. It's a great thing to recognize, ultimately, because the next person you meet you'll be looking for someone who shares that craving. Or at least I am.

 

Thanks for listening back.

[BriNyc82]

thank you for being so honest. I think you reinforced my reasons for ending it with him. TIME......He needs to come to the realization on his own for what type of life he wants to leaed and the kind of relationship he wants and is willing to work for.

 

I think he was giving me everything he could at this current moment but it just wasnt enough. Merry christmas!!!!