crazy_grl Posted August 23, 2005 Posted August 23, 2005 Originally posted by Merin We did talk last night about what had happend and I did tell him it wasn't okay with me. He knows it was lame.. Again, I know abuse as well, and my BF is NOT an abusive person. While I have agreed that what he did was NOT okay, I stand by saying while it was a jerkass thing to do, he isn't abusing me nor is he an abusive person. The fact is that that was abusive behavior whether it was a one time incident or not. I understand that your bf has been great. I've read your other posts about how wonderful he is. I'm not labeling him as abusive based on this one instance. I think everybody has different degrees of how abusive or non-abusive they are. I'm only saying that in this case, his behavior was abuse. The word has a negative connotation and has you thinking about battered women and such, but I'm not talking anything that severe. Make no mistake that I think his behaviour was sh*tty and uncalled for and I told him so, he knows it wasn't okay regardless of the reason.. (being tired, not feeling well) whatever... Does this mean he's appologized? It's clear that you know what he did was out of line, and you've said that he knows it. But how do you know that if he isn't talking to you. Until he's admitted to you that he was out of line and appologized, then I don't think you should let this go. It's not being unreasonable and b!tchy to stay upset with him about this one instance where he was just having a bad day until he does appologize. It is unreasonable of him to say bad things to you and expect you to just get over it without appologizing.
Art_Critic Posted August 23, 2005 Posted August 23, 2005 Boy... I'll bet you never thought a 30 sec rant post would've gotten so much attention when you posted it .. Huh ?? 'cuz we are all looking out fer ya !!!
totallyconfused Posted August 23, 2005 Posted August 23, 2005 is it me, or do we all just have TONS of time to do nothing at work??!! haha i swear i dont do a thing at work anymore. posting is so much more fun and meaningless. hmmmm is my life being enriched? i think so i guess that'll be my final decision-breaker. thanks.
Author Merin Posted August 23, 2005 Author Posted August 23, 2005 Originally posted by crazy_grl I'm only saying that in this case, his behavior was abuse. Does this mean he's appologized? I disagree respectfully... His behaviour was sh*tty YES, abuse, NO. Yes he did apologize.
Author Merin Posted August 23, 2005 Author Posted August 23, 2005 Originally posted by Art_Critic Boy... I'll bet you never thought a 30 sec rant post would've gotten so much attention when you posted it .. Huh ?? 'cuz we are all looking out fer ya !!! LOL Actually yeah I kind of did think so... AND I appreciate you guys doing so Originally posted by totallyconfused is it me, or do we all just have TONS of time to do nothing at work??!! haha i swear i dont do a thing at work anymore. posting is so much more fun and meaningless. hmmmm is my life being enriched? i think so i guess that'll be my final decision-breaker. thanks. LOL My Boss is no gone for the day... posting is so much more fun when you're getting paid ha! I dunno, my Dad always told me that your relationship should NOT be your life but it should enrich it or enhance it.... Love my Dad
crazy_grl Posted August 23, 2005 Posted August 23, 2005 Originally posted by Merin I disagree respectfully... His behaviour was sh*tty YES, abuse, NO. Perfectly fine. We have differing definitions of the word abuse. Yes he did apologize. Then you're right and you should just let it go as a one time thing where he was blowing off steam unless he happens to tell you there was something else behind why he was upset.
crazy_grl Posted August 23, 2005 Posted August 23, 2005 Originally posted by totallyconfused is it me, or do we all just have TONS of time to do nothing at work??!! Often, I do. I'm forced to wait on other people before I can do my part ,and a lot of the time, I run out of things I can do without their part of the project done.
Iluvsiamese Posted August 23, 2005 Posted August 23, 2005 A one time rant does not abuse make. However, if this repeats itself and/or escalates in any way, then you need to face it. There are multiple forms of abuse and some are very subtle, especially in the beginning. This is why so many women find themselves in these situations. It never started out like that and they did not believe that the abuser would ever abuse them. It is not just women either, who find themselves in abusive situations. I have heard women verbally abuse their SO's and wondered what was wrong with the man. Sometimes, this begins as a form of punishment for a real or perceived wrong and it just takes off from there and never stops. Just be careful, Merin. And for the record, you don't f***ing suck just because he can't find his ciggys. Tell him to locate his big boy briefs, lol.
RecordProducer Posted August 23, 2005 Posted August 23, 2005 Originally posted by Merin To RECORDPRODUCER... I think it's crappy to put the blame on me for his behaviour and say that it's because of me that he or anyone else behaves the way they do... I ABSOLUTELY didn't put the blame on you, Merin! His behavior is his fault. I actually said that you're the good girl in all your relationships. I think a good woman deserves a good guy who will treat her good. But I can't tell you who you should be with so if you already are with him, you shouldn't let him treat you that way. I didn't say you're a fool for letting him do that to you. I just think you're too good for some men. He is one of them. And you should have some pride and not let anyone talk to you like that. They should either treat you right or not be with you at all. Is that a crappy piece of advice in your opinion?
johan Posted August 23, 2005 Posted August 23, 2005 Originally posted by crazy_grl Perfectly fine. We have differing definitions of the word abuse. Originally posted by Iluvsiamese A one time rant does not abuse make. Semantics. If you want a "tight" definition of abuse, then we're all abusers from time to time. If you want to define abuse as something that is geared to toward doing true damage to the abusee, rather than just venting harmlessly, then what Merin's sweetheart did was nowhere close. Just because she was hurt and confused, I'm not ready to call the cops. She's in a relationship, so I'd recommend she be prepared for some pain and confusion. It happens. I recommend not lynching him for name-calling that may be part of acceptable behavior in their relationship. I've noticed that Merin has a pretty broad vocabulary.
crazy_grl Posted August 23, 2005 Posted August 23, 2005 Since you're responding to my post... I'm not sure whether you're agreeing or disagreeing with me or neither or both , so I'm just going to explain what I wrote. Originally posted by johan If you want a "tight" definition of abuse, then we're all abusers from time to time. That's pretty much what I said earlier. If I talk down to my bf and make him feel like crap when he basically did nothing wrong, then it's abuse. Does that mean I should be labeled with the official 'abuser' term, we should call the authorities and immediately end the relationship? No, not if it's only happened once. To me, s***ty behavior is included in abuse and that's why I'm going to do my best not to do it to others. It doesn't mean that after one instance of being called a name, we should run to the phone and call an abuse hotline. It does mean both parties should acknowledge that the behavior as unacceptable and the offender should do their best to make sure it doesn't happen again.
alphamale Posted August 24, 2005 Posted August 24, 2005 Originally posted by crazy_grl To me, s***ty behavior is included in abuse well then we'd all be in jail CRAZY_GURL
Author Merin Posted August 24, 2005 Author Posted August 24, 2005 Originally posted by Iluvsiamese A one time rant does not abuse make. However, if this repeats itself and/or escalates in any way, then you need to face it. There are multiple forms of abuse and some are very subtle, especially in the beginning. This is why so many women find themselves in these situations. It never started out like that and they did not believe that the abuser would ever abuse them. It is not just women either, who find themselves in abusive situations. I have heard women verbally abuse their SO's and wondered what was wrong with the man. Sometimes, this begins as a form of punishment for a real or perceived wrong and it just takes off from there and never stops. Just be careful, Merin. And for the record, you don't f***ing suck just because he can't find his ciggys. Tell him to locate his big boy briefs, lol. Locate the big boy briefs... That was funny! Honestly I had a very abusive relationship before my now BF... and it was ugggggglllyyyyy for real! My BF isn't an abuser, he's a good guy who had a crappy moment. I saw him last night and he apologized again for his behaviour, he took 100% responsibility for what happened and said it was lame and totally uncalled for, I agreed and now we let it go... Originally posted by RecordProducer I ABSOLUTELY didn't put the blame on you, Merin! His behavior is his fault. I actually said that you're the good girl in all your relationships. I think a good woman deserves a good guy who will treat her good. But I can't tell you who you should be with so if you already are with him, you shouldn't let him treat you that way. I didn't say you're a fool for letting him do that to you. I just think you're too good for some men. He is one of them. And you should have some pride and not let anyone talk to you like that. They should either treat you right or not be with you at all. Is that a crappy piece of advice in your opinion? RP, I do appreciate your thoughts... HOWEVER 1) My BF is NOT a bad guy, he is a good guy who is a human and has some not so great moments... We ALL have not so great moments but it doesn't make us OVER ALL bad people 2) It isn't a matter of LETTING him treat me in any particular way... life isn't always roses and relationships are not always sunny... the good with the bad... I forgive him for having his not so great moments and he forgives me when I have mine 3) Pride.. LOL sorry but you have zero idea about what goes on in my life RP... so please don't tell me to HAVE some pride... I had PRIDE when I left my EXH and am now raising my little people by myself, I had pride when I left my EXBF even though it was so hard on me to do so, and I have pride now in every thing I do including but not limited to my personal relationships. Again, IF my BF was a jerkass all the time and didn't treat me right I wouldn't still be there... I didn't think you were trying to give me crappy advice, I am saying that relationships are not just black or white and we all have to take responsibility for what we do. Originally posted by johan Semantics. If you want a "tight" definition of abuse, then we're all abusers from time to time. If you want to define abuse as something that is geared to toward doing true damage to the abusee, rather than just venting harmlessly, then what Merin's sweetheart did was nowhere close. Just because she was hurt and confused, I'm not ready to call the cops. She's in a relationship, so I'd recommend she be prepared for some pain and confusion. It happens. I recommend not lynching him for name-calling that may be part of acceptable behavior in their relationship. I've noticed that Merin has a pretty broad vocabulary. You've noticed my broad vocab? For the record, name calling isn't part of our relationship well ya know unless your count "Piimmpppp" as name calling LOL JK JK JK Nothing is ever GREAT all of the time, but thankfully my BF is pretty amazing (in a good way) 95% of the time.... Originally posted by crazy_grl Since you're responding to my post... I'm not sure whether you're agreeing or disagreeing with me or neither or both , so I'm just going to explain what I wrote. That's pretty much what I said earlier. If I talk down to my bf and make him feel like crap when he basically did nothing wrong, then it's abuse. Does that mean I should be labeled with the official 'abuser' term, we should call the authorities and immediately end the relationship? No, not if it's only happened once. To me, s***ty behavior is included in abuse and that's why I'm going to do my best not to do it to others. It doesn't mean that after one instance of being called a name, we should run to the phone and call an abuse hotline. It does mean both parties should acknowledge that the behavior as unacceptable and the offender should do their best to make sure it doesn't happen again. I can agree with this.... Is it do unto others as you would have them do to you? OR Is it do unto others before they can do unto you? JK JK JK Golden rule... sheesh I really did learn a lot in Kindergarten Thanks you guys.... saw my BF last night, he apologized again for his behaviour and you'll all be happy to know I returned his 2 smokes to him
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