Iluvsiamese Posted August 23, 2005 Posted August 23, 2005 Grown man, is that an oxymoron, lol? (just kidding guys!) Some people never grow up, they just get bigger. Neither sex has that market cornered. This whole business has me worried. Yes, the wild mood swings and irresponsible behaviour could be related to substance abuse, but it could also simply be the hallmarks of an abuser. I read a remarkable article in "O" magazine last August that was a real eye-opener for me. I never considered my ex as an abuser. There were alot of things that concerned me a bit, but I kept excusing them as did he. While it never deteriorated to the point that most do eventually, I consider myself to be lucky that I got out when I did, how I did and relatively unscathed. It probably would have went all the way there sooner or later. Merin, if you can get a copy of that article, do read it. I actually found myself underlining things that were relevant and was astounded when I looked at how much of the page was marked. If you see yourself in this article, I hope that you can find the strength to get yourself out of the relationship. If not, then I hope that you two can work this out, but only if you truly feel that this is right for you.
totallyconfused Posted August 23, 2005 Posted August 23, 2005 Hey I'm not quite up-to-date with your relationship with this guy and to be quite honest i read pages 1 and 4, b/c dang the responses are maaad long. I will defenitely agree with some of the posters here, especially about the gas running for an hour! that one hour's worth of gas cost way more than a pack of cigs man. but anyways... it seems that love is blinding you. you see it, but you dont want to believe it. you're instincts are telling you his actions are oddly intentional. you are far overlooking his flaws continuously. are u hoping that he will change? change his ways or go back to what he "used" to be? after having read some of the posts you've responded to people with problems, you are a very smart and logical girl. you are much like me, give great advice but we can never follow our own advice, our own instinct. sometimes we think we are the excpetion to the exception. i think you are dealing with alot of crap from this guy. i've never dated a man with children so I cant go there. but i've never had a guy curse at me like that ever, never even been called a bltch even tho i KNOW i so badly was. There are men out there that wont disrespect you. are you attracted to the cliched "bad boy" behavior? i think you're attracted to the chase. he sounds like he thinks he can do whatever he wants without a care in the world whose feelings or emotions get trampled over. he sounds very insecure, selfish, and has anger problems. to be quite honest, his actions sounds like his own insecurities of himself are beginning to lash out towards you. you are seeming to be quite perfect in his eyes (his kids love ya, your gorgeous, logical, etc), so then...what his problem? he cant deal havin a girl thaat good. cant handle it. the source of the problem it seems - his own insecurities are gonna screw the best he ever had. i say call his bluff and if he doesnt agree to straighten up his ways and attitude towards you, get outta there and dont be afraid to not look back. you're too cool to be treated this way.
Author Merin Posted August 23, 2005 Author Posted August 23, 2005 Originally posted by totallyconfused his own insecurities are gonna screw the best he ever had. He has said this himself... Wierd uh? Hey thanks you guys so much for all the feedback/encouragement Talked to him this morning... he was fine, we didn't speak of what had happened... I'm the person who NEEDS to know WHY, WHAT and HOW to resolve conflict... I NEED to talk about it, get it out there and get on with life... while my BF is the person who AVOIDS talking about it, broods and gets past things on his own time... this has always been a issue... The waters are calming today... I feel relieved in so many ways... I just really hate drama and conflict... For the record no I don't seek out the "Bad Boy" in fact when I first met my BF he was very sweet and almost shy with me.... it isn't that he doesn't treat me well now... it's that he on occassion has this flip out moments that kill me and make me uncertain of whats going to happen next.... I do think partly due to how I grew up, I fear being abandon and I assume the worst will happen.... For now.... I feel better and hope things will continue good between us with these flip out moments becoming less and less.... Thanks you guys so much for taking time here to give me some feedback, I appreciate it
JS17 Posted August 23, 2005 Posted August 23, 2005 Originally posted by Merin For the record no I don't seek out the "Bad Boy" in fact when I first met my BF he was very sweet and almost shy with me.... it isn't that he doesn't treat me well now... it's that he on occassion has this flip out moments that kill me and make me uncertain of whats going to happen next Holy crap! I went out with the same guy!
Author Merin Posted August 23, 2005 Author Posted August 23, 2005 Originally posted by JS17 Holy crap! I went out with the same guy! Damn!
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted August 23, 2005 Posted August 23, 2005 I'm happy for you that things are back on track. But you do need to tell him that you don't like being told that you suck (with or without the expletive!). We're all allowed to have a bad day/moment/whatever including your BF but he shouldn't talk to you or anyone that way. School started already? My kids don't go back until Sept 7...but they went until the end of June.
loony Posted August 23, 2005 Posted August 23, 2005 I think sometimes people can feel very happy and just not believe it. So, they make up problems and create drama. They are not used to being so happy and they can't trust this feeling. He seems to be very much in love with you, no matter what the others say.
Author Merin Posted August 23, 2005 Author Posted August 23, 2005 Originally posted by MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 I'm happy for you that things are back on track. But you do need to tell him that you don't like being told that you suck (with or without the expletive!). We're all allowed to have a bad day/moment/whatever including your BF but he shouldn't talk to you or anyone that way. School started already? My kids don't go back until Sept 7...but they went until the end of June. I agree MWC and I did tell him that it wasn't/isn't okay with me. Yeah school for my Little Peeps started yesterday... I cried my ass off dropping my baby off I'm so lame! I was the ONLY Parent crying about it, the rest were like whoo hoo! Oh well..... Originally posted by loony I think sometimes people can feel very happy and just not believe it. So, they make up problems and create drama. They are not used to being so happy and they can't trust this feeling. He seems to be very much in love with you, no matter what the others say. In his case Loony I do think you're right... he had a not so great marriage and a not so nice divorce... after all those events he was determined NOT to be in love again, or get close to anyone again.... we've talked about this (exactly what you said) before and he agrees that he worries things are too good to be "true" and has felt he will get hurt in the end.... all I can do is show him I'm not going anywhere and hope it's enough.... thanks Girl
Outcast Posted August 23, 2005 Posted August 23, 2005 For the record no I don't seek out the "Bad Boy" in fact when I first met my BF he was very sweet and almost shy with me.... it isn't that he doesn't treat me well now... it's that he on occassion has this flip out moments that kill me and make me uncertain of whats going to happen next.... I do think partly due to how I grew up, I fear being abandon and I assume the worst will happen.... For now.... I feel better and hope things will continue good between us with these flip out moments becoming less and less.... This is an abuse pattern. It's classic, classic that the 'flip out moments' feature extreme behaviour and are then followed by the 'honeymoon phase' of being sweet and nice (and ignoring what happened and not acknowledging that he was wrong or did anything wrong). And like women who take up with this type of guy, you believe the good moments are the 'real him' and try to ignore the very bad moments. Which is usually a bad idea.
Author Merin Posted August 23, 2005 Author Posted August 23, 2005 Originally posted by Outcast This is an abuse pattern. It's classic, classic that the 'flip out moments' feature extreme behaviour and are then followed by the 'honeymoon phase' of being sweet and nice (and ignoring what happened and not acknowledging that he was wrong or did anything wrong). And like women who take up with this type of guy, you believe the good moments are the 'real him' and try to ignore the very bad moments. Which is usually a bad idea. I appreciate your feedback... My BF isn't an abuser, he isn't physically, emotionally or mentally abusive towards me or others... Yes he does have his moments when he's being a jerk, but that doesn't make him an abusive person, it makes him human. NO I don't like when he's having one of these moments, but the moments are rare and not constant.. He didn't ignore what had happened as I said we talked about it last night, but today we are not going over it again... I don't live in a fantasy land of who my BF is... I know he can be moody and I know what is typically going to set him off as he knows the same of me... I still think it was lame to get mad over the cigarettes and behave the way he did, and have no excuse for him in behaving that way.
ThumbingMyWay Posted August 23, 2005 Posted August 23, 2005 Originally posted by Merin after all those events he was determined NOT to be in love again, or get close to anyone again.... we've talked about this (exactly what you said) before and he agrees that he worries things are too good to be "true" and has felt he will get hurt in the end.... all I can do is show him I'm not going anywhere and hope it's enough.... thanks Girl Merin, I know exactly how he feels. Given my situ...I am in the same point in my head. Afraid to open up and get close again to my wife. Things are much better and we are making progess, But the fear of "it" happening all over again is strong and unbearable..... Its like I (or your BF in this case), am subconsciously pulling away or sabatoging the relationship for fear of losing it again. I find myself, hesitent to move forward. its hard to explain....I do love my wife and she has made huge steps to make things right....BUT now its me that is holding back a little....and i dont know why. I finally am getting what I wanted from her....and I am scared to move forward....because my insecurities that are block my progress....it still has a strong hold on me.... day by day....ok sorry for threadjack... Seriously thou....I believe your BF loves you VERY much, as you do him. But deep inside, he is estatic and scared at the same time. He feels a love for you that he never thought he'd have again....keep up the positive love for him....and he will come around.....I think you 2 can make a great future together....
Art_Critic Posted August 23, 2005 Posted August 23, 2005 Originally posted by Merin I still think it was lame to get mad over the cigarettes and behave the way he did, and have no excuse for him in behaving that way. Hey Merin.. How do you think he would react to you if you did the same shi* to him ? I'll bet he would get real pissed and break up with you.. So what you are saying is that it is okay that he treats you like dirt and has no respect for your feelings because he doesn't do it very often ? Obviously you have to pick your battles and decide how important an issue is to you .. But you must also remember your dating history does include assclowns that have been abusive to you and there might be more tolerance for this ABUSIVE ( yes abusive ) behavior then you realize. You can't let this bad behavior just slide.. it will be at the risk of sooner or later losing your sense of self and esteem. My 2 cents
Author Merin Posted August 23, 2005 Author Posted August 23, 2005 Originally posted by ThumbingMyWay Merin, I know exactly how he feels. Given my situ...I am in the same point in my head. Afraid to open up and get close again to my wife. Things are much better and we are making progess, But the fear of "it" happening all over again is strong and unbearable..... Its like I (or your BF in this case), am subconsciously pulling away or sabatoging the relationship for fear of losing it again. I find myself, hesitent to move forward. its hard to explain....I do love my wife and she has made huge steps to make things right....BUT now its me that is holding back a little....and i dont know why. I finally am getting what I wanted from her....and I am scared to move forward....because my insecurities that are block my progress....it still has a strong hold on me.... day by day....ok sorry for threadjack... Seriously thou....I believe your BF loves you VERY much, as you do him. But deep inside, he is estatic and scared at the same time. He feels a love for you that he never thought he'd have again....keep up the positive love for him....and he will come around.....I think you 2 can make a great future together.... Thanks TMW and I do see where you're coming from... Day by day...
Author Merin Posted August 23, 2005 Author Posted August 23, 2005 Originally posted by Art_Critic Hey Merin.. How do you think he would react to you if you did the same shi* to him ? I'll bet he would get real pissed and break up with you.. So what you are saying is that it is okay that he treats you like dirt and has no respect for your feelings because he doesn't do it very often ? Obviously you have to pick your battles and decide how important an issue is to you .. But you must also remember your dating history does include assclowns that have been abusive to you and there might be more tolerance for this ABUSIVE ( yes abusive ) behavior then you realize. You can't let this bad behavior just slide.. it will be at the risk of sooner or later losing your sense of self and esteem. My 2 cents I am in NO WAY saying his behaviour was or is okay.. sorry if it came across that way. What I am saying is my BF ISN'T an abusive person or abusing me... I know what abuse is and this isn't it. I'm not saying his behaviour is acceptable because it doesn't happen often, but I am saying that We have ALL had days and or moments that we acted in a way we had regret for out of a bad mood....
crazy_grl Posted August 23, 2005 Posted August 23, 2005 Originally posted by Merin I'm not saying his behaviour is acceptable because it doesn't happen often, but I am saying that We have ALL had days and or moments that we acted in a way we had regret for out of a bad mood.... Just read through all this thread. The way I see it, the biggest problem isn't in his initial reaction. What he said to you was pretty aweful, and like you said, we all have bad days. But he hasn't appologized for it. From what you've said, he's just trying to sweep it under the rug and pretend like it didn't happen. I came from an abusive family, and that exactly what would happen when someone did something abusive to someone else. And blowing up about practically nothing seems pretty familiar to me. I remember myself and members of my family screaming at each other over something just as simple, like who ate the last donut or who drank the milk. Just be careful. You're saying that his behavior isn't abusive, but simply because it's not as abusive as what you've experienced doesn't mean it's not at all. Don't let him just get away with this so you can avoid the drama. He needs to know that he can't disrespect you and get away with it or there's a good chance he'll keep doing it, because he knows you'll take it... not that he'll do it maliciously. I'm sure he loves you and feels bad about what happened, but if you don't point out the moments when you feel he's acted unacceptably, and he doesn't acknowledge that, he probably won't change his behavior.
Author Merin Posted August 23, 2005 Author Posted August 23, 2005 Originally posted by crazy_grl Just read through all this thread. The way I see it, the biggest problem isn't in his initial reaction. What he said to you was pretty aweful, and like you said, we all have bad days. But he hasn't appologized for it. From what you've said, he's just trying to sweep it under the rug and pretend like it didn't happen. I came from an abusive family, and that exactly what would happen when someone did something abusive to someone else. And blowing up about practically nothing seems pretty familiar to me. I remember myself and members of my family screaming at each other over something just as simple, like who ate the last donut or who drank the milk. Just be careful. You're saying that his behavior isn't abusive, but simply because it's not as abusive as what you've experienced doesn't mean it's not at all. Don't let him just get away with this so you can avoid the drama. He needs to know that he can't disrespect you and get away with it or there's a good chance he'll keep doing it, because he knows you'll take it... not that he'll do it maliciously. I'm sure he loves you and feels bad about what happened, but if you don't point out the moments when you feel he's acted unacceptably, and he doesn't acknowledge that, he probably won't change his behavior. We did talk last night about what had happend and I did tell him it wasn't okay with me. He knows it was lame.. Again, I know abuse as well, and my BF is NOT an abusive person. While I have agreed that what he did was NOT okay, I stand by saying while it was a jerkass thing to do, he isn't abusing me nor is he an abusive person. I don't like when he is in a mood, no more than he likes it when I am... I don't like it when he is unhappy no more than he likes it when I am... being a jerkass on occassion does not make a person an abuser, it also doesn't excuse ANYONE from behaving in a crappy way but yeah... we are all human and been jerky on occassion to our SO's. Make no mistake that I think his behaviour was sh*tty and uncalled for and I told him so, he knows it wasn't okay regardless of the reason.. (being tired, not feeling well) whatever... It isn't a matter of me wanting to change my BF, he and I get on typically very well and I love being with him, this was a matter of him having jerkass behaviour for that *moment* and me not being happy about it.
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted August 23, 2005 Posted August 23, 2005 Originally posted by Merin .... all I can do is show him I'm not going anywhere and hope it's enough... You hope it's enough that he can laugh his clowny ass off cuz he knows he can treat you however he wants because you're "not going anywhere". Are you really getting enough "for Merin" from him in the relationship? I know you're a very giving person, but it has to work both ways. Are you sure it's enough for you? What if he knew that there IS a chance you won't stick around if his behavior continues....do you honestly think he will become more of an assclown or do you think he will smarten up if he knows you'll be outta there if he treats you that way in the future?
tanbark813 Posted August 23, 2005 Posted August 23, 2005 <-----*begins pricing vegas vacation packages on expedia*
Author Merin Posted August 23, 2005 Author Posted August 23, 2005 Originally posted by MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 You hope it's enough that he can laugh his clowny ass off cuz he knows he can treat you however he wants because you're "not going anywhere". Are you really getting enough "for Merin" from him in the relationship? I know you're a very giving person, but it has to work both ways. Are you sure it's enough for you? What if he knew that there IS a chance you won't stick around if his behavior continues....do you honestly think he will become more of an assclown or do you think he will smarten up if he knows you'll be outta there if he treats you that way in the future? IF my BF behaved in this manner all of the time, half of the time or more than once in awhile I would end the relationship. The danger in posting about a problem or rant regarding your SO or life is that ONE incident becomes WHO that person is... which is why I typically don't post about issues with my BF... Can he be a big freakin assclown, yes he can and I don't deny that... is that just who he is... No it isn't. We have been through a lot together, good things, not so good things and everything in between... we've had our honeymoon phase, our getting to know one another better and see that it isn't always great phase and are still together, not because it's just what I want or just what he wants but because we BOTH choose to be... I can't stress enough here that NO being talked to in a crappy manner isn't okay with me and YES he does know that... I don't sit there and say "Thats okay baby, what else ya got?" but I also don't blow it out of context and say "OMG you're having a bad day and being a jerkass so that means you're an abuser" Relationships are not easy (well LOL for me anyway) and I'm doing the best I can, and sincerely, I belive he is doing the best he can too. Thanks for the feedback
Author Merin Posted August 23, 2005 Author Posted August 23, 2005 Originally posted by tanbark813 <-----*begins pricing vegas vacation packages on expedia* I you Tan
tanbark813 Posted August 23, 2005 Posted August 23, 2005 Originally posted by Merin I you Tan I you too. You should start peeing on his cigarettes when he's not looking. That'll learn 'im.
Author Merin Posted August 23, 2005 Author Posted August 23, 2005 Originally posted by tanbark813 I you too. You should start peeing on his cigarettes when he's not looking. That'll learn 'im. Yeaaahhhh good idea!
totallyconfused Posted August 23, 2005 Posted August 23, 2005 funny, but... i think i am in the opposite shoes of you merin. i am the abuser - but not so badly of it. just kinda pushing some buttons. this dating thing with the guy - i'm not sure if i want it as much as he tells me he wants it to work out. i think the real question we all have to ask ourselves, how badly do we want it? what are we willing to risk, lose, sacrifice, put up with? how much am i willing to give and/or compromise. i must say my last relationship of 4 years, before it fell apart after the 2nd year, we were very much in balance in our thoughts - we both cared for one another in the same way. but when one gets out of whack, things start to go bad. so how long do we deal with it? im too young to be this confused. i wish i cud just sleep around and have no guilt or shame in it.
alphamale Posted August 23, 2005 Posted August 23, 2005 Originally posted by tanbark813 You should start peeing on his cigarettes when he's not looking. why not just lace his cigs with heroin? that'll teach him!
Author Merin Posted August 23, 2005 Author Posted August 23, 2005 Originally posted by totallyconfused funny, but... i think i am in the opposite shoes of you merin. i am the abuser - but not so badly of it. just kinda pushing some buttons. this dating thing with the guy - i'm not sure if i want it as much as he tells me he wants it to work out. i think the real question we all have to ask ourselves, how badly do we want it? what are we willing to risk, lose, sacrifice, put up with? how much am i willing to give and/or compromise. i must say my last relationship of 4 years, before it fell apart after the 2nd year, we were very much in balance in our thoughts - we both cared for one another in the same way. but when one gets out of whack, things start to go bad. so how long do we deal with it? im too young to be this confused. i wish i cud just sleep around and have no guilt or shame in it. IMO we all push buttons from time to time... For me it isn't a question of how bad I want it, it is a matter of is my life being enriched here.... Give/take and compromise are always needed... I have zero desire to sleep around LOL with or without shame, it's just not my bag.
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