sadiegirl86 Posted December 17, 2017 Posted December 17, 2017 I dated this guy for a few months during which I would see him maybe once a week, I didn't know where he lived, he would call me unreasonable and pathologically insecure when I would rebel against last minute cancellations, he told me I needed to see a therapist and so on. He has a few diagnosed mental issues which would from time to time make him unresponsive (as in my messages wouldn't get responded too and he would blame it on his conditions, which sometimes made sense - sometimes it did not). After his final cancellation I snapped, accused him of lying - he was shocked, said I was aggressive and he wanted to end it with me, I begged him to stay, he said no, he proceeded to passive aggressively insult me on his social networks. A year passes and we meet again at our friend's bday. He is semi-flirty, won't leave my side, we talk have fun. Then we meet again and talk out our issues, he apologises for everything and understands why I behaved the way I did. We start talking more and I start thinking - maybe we could start something again. He did tell me he wanted nothing but friendship, but I felt a certain energy there. So a month and a half goes by and we hadn't seen each other, and then he suggests a walk. I say yes, he says he will let me know when. Instead I get invited to go out with him and our friends. Let me explain. The day earlier I got invited to meet up with my friend and our mutual friend Lacey as she was in town for the day. I said yes. Lacey, my friend, my ex - they all know each other. So this morning I get a text from my friend saying we will see each other tomorrow. So I ask her: what about meeting up with Lacey? She then says my ex was invited by Lacey to meet up with them - at this stage Lacey hadn't invited me (my friend did). So after a few minutes of being annoyed, primarily at my ex who claims to be super busy to meet up with me but clearly has no problem spending the afternoon with my friends, Lacey messages me this half-a** invite, as in it was all so sudden and she didn't know she would be in town. Now I text my ex that I don't understand how he doesn't have time for our walk, but has time to hang out with people all afternoon. I am fully aware I was overreacting, hence the title. He is confused, as he should be, and asks me what my problem is. I then proceed to tell him that I still have feelings for him and I thought he felt the same way. He tells me he was just being nice and respectful towards me and that I am displaying the same behaviour as before. (which is correct, only the year before I was his girlfriend and his behaviour wasn't ok, now I totally understand I was overreacting). And only the year before my behaviour was caused by his flakey and unreliable behaviour which he - apologised for, his cancellations. I am completely aware he didn't do anything wrong today, but I felt annoyed and did what I did. He told me there was nothing between us and that I misunderstood his behaviour. He then said he didn't have time to be with anyone right now and wouldn't even think about getting back together with me until he sets up his firm (this sentence confused me). So as I said, I messed up, both thinking that we could be together and then genuinely for accusing a guy who doesn't owe me anything. I am not looking for any advice, I just needed to write this down. Thank you for reading.
xaviercross Posted December 18, 2017 Posted December 18, 2017 I see you don't want any advice, but I feel like there should be a response. You know what, I think in general nothing drives us more crazy then someone who we care about, that doesn't respect our time. It's like you feel irritated and hurt (because you liked them and wanted to see them, you're such a bad person), but you want to be calm and not over-react and then you go ahead and react and then beat yourself up for it. I guess it's a kind of incompatibility thing where your investment levels aren't the same, and also just a personality thing where someone thinks it's ok to flake when the other person is pretty reliable. I know this would irritate me to no end and have done the same thing as you. It sounds like he likes the ego boost of being around and flirting with you but is playing games and isn't really invested. I think you like him. And perhaps you don't even like him but want him to like you because it's a self-worth thing. "He wouldn't do that to me if I mattered more. I want to matter more." And those are the hardest to walk away from because you value him more than yourself. I think you had it right with your doubts. Good people don't blow other people off and if they do, there's a way to do it that's genuine and caring.
ExpatInItaly Posted December 19, 2017 Posted December 19, 2017 You say don't want advice, but you posted this on a public advice forum, so here goes: Stay away from men that are secretive, unreliable and blame everything on you. There should have been no second chance here. I know you realize that now, of course. Believe someone when he tells you he doesn't want more than friendship. Were you over-reacting? Maybe, given that he gave you no indication he wanted something more. But does it matter? What did you mess up, exactly? This wasn't going to evolve into a relationship, so who cares if he thinks you over-reacted? He isn't someone who truly wants a friendship either, in my opinion. Bottom line: identify your boundaries and stick to them. Red flags exist for a reason.
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