She cancelled, now what?

[ZA Dater]

Agreed.

 

 

He doesn't like many people from the sound of things. He says so.

This won't help in a friendship nor a dating life as people notice when people are like that. It can also hinder business greatly too - but OP seems to do well in business so he obviously manages small talk and expressions etc in that realm.

 

The common denominator is ZA.

 

He doesn't see any need to alter anything for a long or total life changing amount of time - once is enough as a try out - if that fails OP rules it out and always reverts to Tinder or any other dating app/site. He has always said that OLD is pointless as there are no women intelligent or attractive enough for him on there - same line for his 10 years of using OLD/apps.

Possibly a lack of common sense?

 

 

 

I can do exactly what you did in the Q and have from time to time it just doesn't happen often because honestly nobody here talks to anyone else, if you don't believe me I'll actually take a video next time I am at the shop.

 

 

Its not I don't like people, I simply know the sort of people I work with and the ones I don't, its completely pointless me going out with social butterflies when I am the quiet guy, I don't accomplish anything like that, the people I get on best with are the ones who are bit of both but have some savvy not to be one or the other all the time.

 

 

I get where I am in business through assertiveness and never give up determination combined with total commitment.

 

 

You are right, I expect some results for changes made, if the results are negative wholly so then the changes are frivolous and ineffective. You are wrong there are attractive people on Tinder, they just don't find me attractive and why would they when there are many mainstream guys who do the whole macho drinking, partying, have fun thing that they so desperately want.

 

 

You are right possibly a lack of common sense or a dire lack of success which fosters a cynical bitter take on things

[GemmaUK]

Absolutely nothing at all. All was going well and then block. At the end of the day so what, I simply couldn't care less.

 

Something did turn her off but you're ashamed of it so won't post it just the same as you put the responsibility all on the lady this thread began about and said she went for some other guy. Your bluntness, negativity and words which came over as pretty much a derogatory sentence were what put her off.

Actually you caused her to stop the chat by what you said but it came out on what was it page 3?

 

What is baffling - but not actually really is that you have 4 pages of threads all really on the same subject over several years now.

You just like writing and at the same time need attention. Do you still have the blog going about your dating life too?

 

If you ACTUALLY wanted to date and lose your virginity, learn about flirting, sex, human interactions and relationships and have a relationship you would do it. You have had so much advice - great advice.

 

You're too scared to do it and prefer writing about it and blaming everyone else and any method to meet anyone for your lack of a second date.

 

Good luck!

If it's working for you then stick with it!

[act00]

<snip>

 

I do not find those who find me attractive, attractive at all. I cant do anything with them, I cant take them to lunches, I cant take them to functions because they do not fit in and yes they all aspire to go to those sort of things I cannot and will not take someone there who is going to embarrass me. So while I lament going on my own (for example 9/10 wont even know what lament means) I'd rather do that than take someone wholly unsuitable. Unless your suggestion is I somehow find them attractive enough to sleep with? Which I don't.

 

<snip>

 

This comment really stuck with me, and the OP has come across in other posts as being above and superior...judgmental..maybe just picky. This is not the only comment, but he seems to not be able to blend or bend. If he treats women he meets and dates with disdain and they embarrass him and he uses vocabulary that is above and beyond normal conversation, there's just nothing but failure in the future. Most people, even if they don't know the word, can figure out what it means in the context of a sentence, but if it's a long string of vocabulary no one really uses on a daily basis, you may as well be speaking a different language.

 

My cousin is extremely picky...about everything...judgmental and critical. He is successful in his job and makes really good money, and he has some good friends, so something is working, but he remains unmarried and no LTRs in his 50 years. He is the most difficult person to be around, and frankly, I will avoid it. My other family members feel the same, and simply tolerate him until his visit is over and he goes back home, thousands of miles away. Were it not for his parents and family relations, none of us would have anything to do with him.

 

This is kind of the impression I'm getting from ZA. Is ZA closed off and haughty? I don't know what the culture is in SA and demographics, but when dating women is "scraping the bottom of the barrel," I just kind of wonder what the expectations are. Are all the single women that bad or is ZA extremely picky and judgmental? Are they all an embarrassment and he can't be seen with them in public?

[elaine567]

A huge part of me says the off putting things are

: no sense of fun

: serious

: doesn't flirt

: too business like

: doesn't make any moves.

: doesn't smile too much

 

I agree, but all those are things that may cause a woman to fade, to ghost, to not agree to a second date, but why the blocking, there has to be more to it.

 

I guess you are either rubbing these women up the wrong way so they are angry, they are scared of you ie you are creeping them out, or you are so persistent and controlling they feel they HAVE to block you to get rid of you or for some other reason they NEVER want to see or talk to you ever again.

 

It's not good but you have to get to the bottom of this.

[elaine567]

Also

Why Social Shyness Is Mistaken For Arrogance (And What To Do About It) - Social Anxiety Shortcuts

[ZA Dater]

Something did turn her off but you're ashamed of it so won't post it just the same as you put the responsibility all on the lady this thread began about and said she went for some other guy. Your bluntness, negativity and words which came over as pretty much a derogatory sentence were what put her off.

Actually you caused her to stop the chat by what you said but it came out on what was it page 3?

 

What is baffling - but not actually really is that you have 4 pages of threads all really on the same subject over several years now.

You just like writing and at the same time need attention. Do you still have the blog going about your dating life too?

 

If you ACTUALLY wanted to date and lose your virginity, learn about flirting, sex, human interactions and relationships and have a relationship you would do it. You have had so much advice - great advice.

 

You're too scared to do it and prefer writing about it and blaming everyone else and any method to meet anyone for your lack of a second date.

 

Good luck!

If it's working for you then stick with it!

 

 

Learn what exactly? I don't recall seeing anyone I know having to learn these things? I don't see people practicing these things either. You seemingly can do it or you cant, you are charming or you are not.

 

 

As soon as she mentioned she had a project to do I smelt a rat and this was before I passed my comment about drinking, she simply found someone else. Fine enough and her choice, nothing wrong with that but at have the backbone to be honest about it. The same goes for the others, honestly would go a long way, be nasty, I don't really care what they tell me because chances are I have heard it before.

 

 

For what its worth I went out for an hour or so today and tried to make eye contact, tried this smile and hope for the best attitude and guess what it didn't work, ok great we try again tomorrow and the next day and so forth.

 

 

Its extremely difficult to do anything when I don't know what people actually want, do they want sex on date one, do they want a friend, do they want gifts, do they want experiences, do they want what exactly? I have never ever been able to work this out, extrapolated over the dates I have had there has not been one commonality between these people, there have seemingly been examples of each of those characteristics.

 

 

FYI I have read up about flirting which really amounts to using words to try and charm someone, bending the truth to suits ones own end, embellishing reality, telling half truths and generally painting a picture far removed from reality.

 

 

It might astound you to know that I actually did get this right once, only because I suspect I found a someone who could actually get me. When I say get this right I mean I could captivate her for a few hours.

[GemmaUK]

Learn what exactly? I don't recall seeing anyone I know having to learn these things? I don't see people practicing these things either. You seemingly can do it or you cant, you are charming or you are not.

 

We ALL learn these things.

You don't see it because you refuse to believe it.

How many times have I told you I practice this and that and threw myself into this and that?

So many others in all your threads have said they have done things to learn and grow.

I'm not lying mate, they are not lying. You're just ignoring it all.

[Grey40]

Hey OP, based on what I’ve read in this thread I can definitely tell what is hurting you—-you attitude and outlook. It’s pretty negative and cynical, especially when talking about yourself. You assume that there’s “someone better” and that “my interests aren’t mainstream and all my hobbies and lifestyle is weird”.

 

You’re already stacking the odds against yourself when you do that. How you feel and see yourself is totally reflected on the outside through body language and your behavior. Lack of confidence combined with a general negative outlook probably makes you come off as a drag—someone that women don’t want to be associated with. There’s too much negativity in the world as it is, and they can easily find someone who thinks a little more positively about the world and about themselves. I think if you work on your internal self esteem that will help you gain more confidence again and turn things around. Focus on that before continuing to go on dates.

[ZA Dater]

This comment really stuck with me, and the OP has come across in other posts as being above and superior...judgmental..maybe just picky. This is not the only comment, but he seems to not be able to blend or bend. If he treats women he meets and dates with disdain and they embarrass him and he uses vocabulary that is above and beyond normal conversation, there's just nothing but failure in the future. Most people, even if they don't know the word, can figure out what it means in the context of a sentence, but if it's a long string of vocabulary no one really uses on a daily basis, you may as well be speaking a different language.

 

My cousin is extremely picky...about everything...judgmental and critical. He is successful in his job and makes really good money, and he has some good friends, so something is working, but he remains unmarried and no LTRs in his 50 years. He is the most difficult person to be around, and frankly, I will avoid it. My other family members feel the same, and simply tolerate him until his visit is over and he goes back home, thousands of miles away. Were it not for his parents and family relations, none of us would have anything to do with him.

 

This is kind of the impression I'm getting from ZA. Is ZA closed off and haughty? I don't know what the culture is in SA and demographics, but when dating women is "scraping the bottom of the barrel," I just kind of wonder what the expectations are. Are all the single women that bad or is ZA extremely picky and judgmental? Are they all an embarrassment and he can't be seen with them in public?

 

 

 

If having a good vocabulary and being informed about the world around me makes me seem superior then so be it. For what its worth one word is usually enough to lead to total confusion, don't even start with basic general knowledge, that's usually too much. Perhaps staggeringly I have met people (only two) who could give me a challenge and I enjoyed their company immensely, they had no interest in me though.

 

 

What makes your cousin difficult to be around?

 

 

I wouldn't say I am picky I just hold people to a certain standard, I am of the opinion you should keep looking to improve aspects of life which provide some sort of intangible reward. If you are working, working and there is no intangible reward or measureable improvement then you need to ask is your time being well spent?

 

 

Every person on this earth has standards, how are these arrived at? By experience.

 

 

Do I have regrets, yes five of them, there have been 5 people who I thought had most of the things I like, none of them liked me and one of the five has offered a glimpse of how good things can be.

 

 

I go out to be positive but I also don't go out to be ambitious at dating, past experiences have told me putting much hope into dating is like throwing all of ones money at one share: foolish.

 

 

Maybe one day someone I actually like will actually express some sort of interest in me but for now I am simply tired of trying to make people like me.

[ZA Dater]

Hey OP, based on what I’ve read in this thread I can definitely tell what is hurting you—-you attitude and outlook. It’s pretty negative and cynical, especially when talking about yourself. You assume that there’s “someone better” and that “my interests aren’t mainstream and all my hobbies and lifestyle is weird”.

 

You’re already stacking the odds against yourself when you do that. How you feel and see yourself is totally reflected on the outside through body language and your behavior. Lack of confidence combined with a general negative outlook probably makes you come off as a drag—someone that women don’t want to be associated with. There’s too much negativity in the world as it is, and they can easily find someone who thinks a little more positively about the world and about themselves. I think if you work on your internal self esteem that will help you gain more confidence again and turn things around. Focus on that before continuing to go on dates.

 

 

 

I am just being realistic because I always end up loosing out to some other guy. I find someone I like and either find they aren't single or some other guy comes along and well that's that or I get shopped as happens often, something better comes along and then I am done. Tell me this wouldn't make you cynical and bitter to an extent?

 

 

When it comes to life I am positive, 2017 has been a good year for everything bar dating, most of what I wanted to do this year I have managed to do and a few things I thought I couldn't accomplish I did. In probability the year was good because I didn't let dating ruin the other aspects of my life, refused to let constant rejection get to me but at the end of the year I take stock and yes then it does get to me.

[ZA Dater]

We ALL learn these things.

You don't see it because you refuse to believe it.

How many times have I told you I practice this and that and threw myself into this and that?

So many others in all your threads have said they have done things to learn and grow.

I'm not lying mate, they are not lying. You're just ignoring it all.

 

 

 

Really? Ok, I'll concede this point.

 

 

Its just a pity learning isn't encouraged, if it was perhaps my dates wouldn't have been so awful.

 

 

Tell me of all the experiences you threw yourself into, how many had positive outcomes? Could so absolutely say they were beneficial?

 

 

I have been practicing your smiling advice for months....

 

 

You also forget a guy like me isn't going to be get much attention at all.

[elaine567]

I have been practicing your smiling advice for months....

 

OK but there is smiling and there is smiling.

[GemmaUK]

Really? Ok, I'll concede this point.

 

 

Its just a pity learning isn't encouraged, if it was perhaps my dates wouldn't have been so awful.

 

 

Tell me of all the experiences you threw yourself into, how many had positive outcomes? Could so absolutely say they were beneficial?

 

 

I have been practicing your smiling advice for months....

 

 

You also forget a guy like me isn't going to be get much attention at all.

 

It is encouraged.

I have already posted a load of experiences of my own in your threads over the past year or more which I know you read because you commented on them. Yes, all were beneficial, it is all a learning curve and I plan to continue learning and growing same as everyone else does.

I've also seen others post their learning experiences for you, many of them from many posters.

 

Growing isn't just about smiling and that was months if not a year ago so it should be a thing you do like breathing by now if you had done it enough.

 

Well you got attention from a blonde 10/10 a couple of days ago twice in a row and you didn't respond in any way at all. Not even to be friendly.

Poor woman must have felt such a twit getting no response at all to her two attempts at expressing a 'hello' to you but at least she tried.

If that happened then it's happened before too and you have missed it or chosen to ignore it (like you did this time) when other people have tried to be friendly.

[ZA Dater]

It is encouraged.

I have already posted a load of experiences of my own in your threads over the past year or more which I know you read because you commented on them. Yes, all were beneficial, it is all a learning curve and I plan to continue learning and growing same as everyone else does.

I've also seen others post their learning experiences for you, many of them from many posters.

 

Growing isn't just about smiling and that was months if not a year ago so it should be a thing you do like breathing by now if you had done it enough.

 

Well you got attention from a blonde 10/10 a couple of days ago twice in a row and you didn't respond in any way at all. Not even to be friendly.

Poor woman must have felt such a twit getting no response at all to her two attempts at expressing a 'hello' to you but at least she tried.

If that happened then it's happened before too and you have missed it or chosen to ignore it (like you did this time) when other people have tried to be friendly.

 

 

 

Beneficial= pleasant?

 

 

And no smiling doesn't come naturally I need to make an effort to do it, like this morning I went out and smiled at everyone, what this was supposed to achieve I don't know.

 

 

I think the problem really isn't I don't connect with many people so I cant be bothered to try anymore because the result is always the same. Its such a rare instance where anyone gives any attention I am more amazed than anything else but cynically I just ask why?

 

 

All too often I meet people and there is just nothing, nothing to talk about, no common interests, no common thinking, nothing I might as well sit and talk to a wall.

 

 

The best people I met were very different, the one was a student, absolutely gorgeous, I wont ever go out with someone better looking and a very nice person, everything was new to her, took her out to dinner twice, coffee twice and things I got used to were new to her, fancy department stores were places she hadn't been to before and I enjoy spending time with her, despite the fact she wasn't single.

 

 

The other was someone who motivated me to make changes but as motivating as this is the results aren't there to justify said changes. People say be positive, sure put me in the mix of a big deal and I'll back myself do it well but when you go on date after date and its always the same then you cannot drag anything positive from that, perhaps these are the "growing experiences" you mention.

 

 

You keep saying I don't act on advice which isn't true, I have mentioned employing the advice of this forum on dates, trying to get people to laugh, opening up, taking more risk, going out with people I don't find attractive, going out with people who I can see aren't suitable from the off.

 

 

What irritates me is we have scenarios where I get blocked and automatically is my fault, why? Would it be so hard to concede not everyone is nice and not everyone has manners.

 

 

I have only ever been nice to people I take on dates but its never reciprocated, I know guys who go through girls like I eat dinners and that's seemingly ok (it isn't in my mind, its frankly disgusting) but when I go out there and look for a friend it just never works or I am told I must just make do with what I don't want in the name of experience?

[GemmaUK]

Beneficial= pleasant?

Not 100% of the time no, but that is what learning and growth is all about.

Overall? Yes absolutely! I have put the effort in and I continue to grow and learn about me and about people.

 

And no smiling doesn't come naturally I need to make an effort to do it, like this morning I went out and smiled at everyone, what this was supposed to achieve I don't know.

A few smiles in return - that is the kind of thing that makes my day but much more importantly to me is that I can be the one making someone else's day just with a little human interaction which costs me nothing at all.

I think it was Elaine who mentioned a smile and 'a smile'. A sincere heartfelt smile is completely different to just plastering a smile on for no apparent reason.

It has taken a heck of a long time to find out more about you as you are not very good at writing - you leave so much out, don't open up, don't admit to things but instead repeat the same things over and over. You are wordy but don't say much at all.

 

I think the problem really isn't I don't connect with many people so I cant be bothered to try anymore because the result is always the same. Its such a rare instance where anyone gives any attention I am more amazed than anything else but cynically I just ask why?

You just don't try consistently. You seem to expect a result from a very few times of making any effort. The result for you is a relationship with a highly intelligent attractive woman. This will not happen if you are not willing to change, not just going out one time and smiling at everyone.

You came up late in this thread with someone saying you were expressionless which is a whole different level. Even newscasters are not expressionless.

What makes you so fabulous of a prospect that you don't need to animate your face like the rest of us do day in day out?

 

All too often I meet people and there is just nothing, nothing to talk about, no common interests, no common thinking, nothing I might as well sit and talk to a wall.

It takes two. People feed off each other's expressions, comments, amusing observations.

The thing is though that you say this over and over - you are the common denominator whilst the rest of us are actually connecting with people by making efforts, taking time to talk and more importantly really listen to people, smile sincerely and be approachable people.

 

You keep saying I don't act on advice which isn't true

I have never once said this to you and it isn't what I think.

I have said that you don't seem willing to change, grow and learn - and I know this because you say it yourself by continually saying you 'can't be bothered'.

Please tell me why I or any other woman should be expected to date someone who 'can't be bothered' about so many inherently human elements of life.

 

going out with people who I can see aren't suitable from the off.

I don't know why on earth you keep doing this but you do. What is the point in investing any time in doing so?

 

What irritates me is we have scenarios where I get blocked and automatically is my fault, why? Would it be so hard to concede not everyone is nice and not everyone has manners.

Some people do just block people but the vast majority don't.

I pretty much asked you to post what happened between matching and blocking with the lady a few posts back but you didn't. Please do, lets'a take a look.

You connect so very rarely that there is something about you that is off. The one who you said 'I don't drink and I don't like clubs' to. Are you aware there are a tonne of different ways to express something like that without making her feel insulted (which she probably did)?

 

I have only ever been nice to people I take on dates

This is just not true. You admitted in a thread in dating earlier this year that you were much less than nice from the get go on a date just a couple of months ago.

 

You discount all responsibility time and time again which is the overwhelming theme in all of your threads.

You also always change the subject when someone is trying to pin point something.

My life and my personal interactions are my responsibility and if I am not having interactions it's my fault so I step it up, make a change.

This process is continual.

I'm sorry to say but you come over as entitled and too self important to realise this or make any solid life changing decisions to make things better and brighter for yourself in daily life (not just dating), if that is so then you will appear arrogant to new people who meet you. This is likely why people don't like you when they first meet you which is something you complain of often.

[GemmaUK]

Also

Why Social Shyness Is Mistaken For Arrogance (And What To Do About It) - Social Anxiety Shortcuts

 

Lol! I missed this!

 

One part of that article I am not in agreement with though in that most folk don't see shyness as arrogance as they recognise it because they are also shy.

I would say it's less likely that happens - especially so when meeting new people or going on dates.

Each of those situations can be nerve/anxiety filled situations.

 

This is a story ZA knows so I will keep it way brief here as I have already posted it in detail fo r him in the past but I was painfully shy and had just lost my Mum at 17 - had a bit of bullying at school and over the years also. I was always 'timid' and chubby which didn't help at all!

I threw myself into a plan of three months going out completely alone at age 18. Not days out, nights out - Friday and Saturday nights out.

Basically, the toughest thin you could probably imagine being a young woman too.

 

I had some great times and some terrible times but I learned so very much about me, what I was capable of, what I did and didn't really like.

I didn't date or meet anyone romantically at all - that wasn't the object of my mission. I just wanted to get past my shyness and the arrogance which in hindsight - yep - I displayed it.

 

That was when I started to really grow. I went out of my comfort zone - too far sometimes but I learned my acceptable limits.

Those three months are something I never regret - some things make me cringe but actually, it was one of the best things I ever did for me.

I can't do 'everything'. I am still shy but I can make friends, I can interact and I know that people like me.

I did that for 3 months 30 years ago.

I was out on Friday with work colleagues. I didn't feel like going. I chose to go though last minute.

I made some closer friends on Friday out of those work colleagues. I'm thinking and counting here using first name initials - there was woman L, man I, (who turned up with his friends but spent his time in the venue with us), man S, woman B and man J (man J is a bit different - his Dad had a major heart Op less than 2 weeks ago and I saw him on a particularly bad day where something had set his Dad back, man J was in tears and hyperventilating - I took him outside right away for a chat, a cry, a talk and some deep breaths.

 

Do you know what the subject of conversation was that bonded us? All these people (except man J - that was different)?

It was interactions - interactions with other colleagues - the good and the bad.

I lie - that came up with man J too - so yeah - all of these closer bonds came out of the exact same thing.

What is almost funny is that the bonding and interaction came out of each of us opening up about how we struggle with interactions with other colleagues in different ways.

All of those initials I mentioned - all appear confident to me, some a little arrogant but over time I have opened up to them and they felt happy enough and trusted me enough to open up to me.

That is how we make friendships. Being vulnerable.

All of the conversations I had can be continued next year back at work - literally all of them.

I can't wait to see those guys and girls next year (I'm seeing two of them next week for lunch if we can figure a time and day to suit us all).

 

I'm 48 and still learning/growing. I love it!!

[ZA Dater]

Not 100% of the time no, but that is what learning and growth is all about.

Overall? Yes absolutely! I have put the effort in and I continue to grow and learn about me and about people.

 

 

A few smiles in return - that is the kind of thing that makes my day but much more importantly to me is that I can be the one making someone else's day just with a little human interaction which costs me nothing at all.

I think it was Elaine who mentioned a smile and 'a smile'. A sincere heartfelt smile is completely different to just plastering a smile on for no apparent reason.

It has taken a heck of a long time to find out more about you as you are not very good at writing - you leave so much out, don't open up, don't admit to things but instead repeat the same things over and over. You are wordy but don't say much at all.

 

 

You just don't try consistently. You seem to expect a result from a very few times of making any effort. The result for you is a relationship with a highly intelligent attractive woman. This will not happen if you are not willing to change, not just going out one time and smiling at everyone.

You came up late in this thread with someone saying you were expressionless which is a whole different level. Even newscasters are not expressionless.

What makes you so fabulous of a prospect that you don't need to animate your face like the rest of us do day in day out?

 

 

It takes two. People feed off each other's expressions, comments, amusing observations.

The thing is though that you say this over and over - you are the common denominator whilst the rest of us are actually connecting with people by making efforts, taking time to talk and more importantly really listen to people, smile sincerely and be approachable people.

 

 

I have never once said this to you and it isn't what I think.

I have said that you don't seem willing to change, grow and learn - and I know this because you say it yourself by continually saying you 'can't be bothered'.

Please tell me why I or any other woman should be expected to date someone who 'can't be bothered' about so many inherently human elements of life.

 

 

I don't know why on earth you keep doing this but you do. What is the point in investing any time in doing so?

 

 

Some people do just block people but the vast majority don't.

I pretty much asked you to post what happened between matching and blocking with the lady a few posts back but you didn't. Please do, lets'a take a look.

You connect so very rarely that there is something about you that is off. The one who you said 'I don't drink and I don't like clubs' to. Are you aware there are a tonne of different ways to express something like that without making her feel insulted (which she probably did)?

 

 

This is just not true. You admitted in a thread in dating earlier this year that you were much less than nice from the get go on a date just a couple of months ago.

 

You discount all responsibility time and time again which is the overwhelming theme in all of your threads.

You also always change the subject when someone is trying to pin point something.

My life and my personal interactions are my responsibility and if I am not having interactions it's my fault so I step it up, make a change.

This process is continual.

I'm sorry to say but you come over as entitled and too self important to realise this or make any solid life changing decisions to make things better and brighter for yourself in daily life (not just dating), if that is so then you will appear arrogant to new people who meet you. This is likely why people don't like you when they first meet you which is something you complain of often.

 

 

 

I'll answer the question directly. What happened, we made a date for the Wednesday evening and on the day she cancelled owing to some project she needed to do, I accepted that and suggested scheduling to Friday, he comment was "I'll see and let you know", suffice to say I sent her a msg on Friday which wasn't responded to.

 

 

Please tell me what I did wrong here?

 

 

I don't expect instant results but I do expect some sort of improvement, I went out of my way to look better and had a make over, none of which really did anything at all. I think I look ok, yes I feel better with this new style and subconsciously I think I look good enough to maybe be attractive.

 

 

The off thing about me is I don't do what 99% of other guys do, I cant really explain this but ask I will try expand. The number of people who find non conformists attractive are very few. I know this because like you I went out on my own, I did for many months and all around me everyone was fundamentally the same, this adventure has numerous benefits because I could debunk some myths and had plenty of observational material for a novel I am working on.

 

 

Which brings me to the next point, my interests. What interests me, politics, world affairs, cars (I review them and I run a car club), outdoors, food. What doesn't interest me: churches, clubs, drinking, music festivals and camping.

 

 

Its not hard to see the collision course my disinterests have for most people. What interests me in people, someone who is different in some way, someone who actually has their own interests and doesn't simply follow the crowd.

 

 

Why do I go out with people I don't find attractive because people here keep telling me "its a numbers game". Is it not a numbers game?

 

 

The bold might well be so but basically all that tells me is fit in or simply walk alone.

 

 

Change to what exactly, yet another replica of what the world says the ideal guy is? Look around, honestly tell me if you don't think everyone is exactly the same? How many people enjoy doing what they do and how many do it because others do and well its the done thing?

 

 

I make no bones about the fact I don't fit in, people either accept that or they don't but this long running experiment has proven that they simply don't, they will always retreat to something conformist. You point I come across as aloof, further from the truth you couldn't be.

 

 

It might surprise you to know I have met older versions of me, they are all useless at dating, the guys who enjoy success are fun guys not ones with dry sense of humour which nobody can relate to. In summary, throw away your identity and be like everyone else and you will succeed. No thanks.

 

 

If to further back up my point, look the number of girls who suffer from eating disorders, why because society say they must be as thin as a rake to be pretty. Look in the UK how many school kids commit suicide each year due to not conforming to that their peers think they should be and get teased to such horrific levels because of it. Yes I can identify with this because I got teased through school because, surprise I didn't do what everyone else did or like what everyone else likes. Is this right?

 

 

Who says my daily life isn't bright? I run five companies, one of which is a start up and has the awesome challenge of making it work, new opportunities beckon in 2018 and there are new challenges to keep me busy. The car club I run has experienced phenomenal growth, over 65% growth in 2017 and the events have been very well received. I have some great cars to write about in 2018 and prospects are looking great.

 

 

I never used to sell any of this stuff on dates but based on advice here I now do it in subtle way but it makes no difference because "why don't you drink", if I had $100 for every time I have heard that. The themes on dates are all the same, I try overcome them with other things but prey tell what you would use to overcome this?

 

 

I accept drinking is social but is it such a massive deal killer if you don't?

 

 

Am I the same person, absolutely not though I suppose some here would beg to differ on that one, do I see things differently yes, do I see through things yes I do because I simply accept things, if someone loves music festivals then they must do what they enjoy but don't expect me to enjoy the same thing but also don't crucify me because I don't.

 

 

Perhaps Tinder isn't the best medium for me but it offers choice which the other ones do not. At the very least I suppose I get to browse some pretty pictures!

 

 

I'll continue going out and looking but I certainly wont the throwing all my time into it.

[GemmaUK]

I'll answer the question directly. What happened, we made a date for the Wednesday evening and on the day she cancelled owing to some project she needed to do, I accepted that and suggested scheduling to Friday, he comment was "I'll see and let you know", suffice to say I sent her a msg on Friday which wasn't responded to.

 

 

Please tell me what I did wrong here?

 

What was the message you sent on Friday?

What were the messages between a yes and an 'I'll let you know'?

 

Direct question, honest answer, word for word, let's see what actually went down. We already know interaction and connection is not your strong point so without looking at it we cannot help you.

Don't leave anything out.

[act00]

You're vague and not sharing the actual conversation that occurred that ultimately put the block on you. You had a date planned. She cancelled. She had an excuse you don't think is plausible. You suggested an alternate. She would "let you know," and never did. There was something said or discussed in your text or call exchanges that turned her off. What was it? What did you talk about?

[ZA Dater]

What was the message you sent on Friday?

What were the messages between a yes and an 'I'll let you know'?

 

Direct question, honest answer, word for word, let's see what actually went down. We already know interaction and connection is not your strong point so without looking at it we cannot help you.

Don't leave anything out.

 

 

 

On the Thursday I simply asked how the project was going and how she was. Conversation on her part had dropped off so I pretty much left it with "let me know what time you would like to meet on Friday".

 

 

Don't see much wrong with that to be honest. Granted she is here for only 3 weeks so obviously wants to have fun, not one of my stronger points that. PS she liked me on Tinder not the other way around.

 

 

Should I have shown more interest? Don't think so, quite tired of begging people to go out with me, if they don't want to actually show some interest.

 

 

My tact has changed from being desperate for people to go out with me to being indifferent when they don't, its a numbers game remember...

[GemmaUK]

On the Thursday I simply asked how the project was going and how she was. Conversation on her part had dropped off so I pretty much left it with "let me know what time you would like to meet on Friday".

 

 

Don't see much wrong with that to be honest. Granted she is here for only 3 weeks so obviously wants to have fun, not one of my stronger points that. PS she liked me on Tinder not the other way around.

 

 

Should I have shown more interest? Don't think so, quite tired of begging people to go out with me, if they don't want to actually show some interest.

 

 

My tact has changed from being desperate for people to go out with me to being indifferent when they don't, its a numbers game remember...

 

No, not the one this thread started about. We have already been over what happened there and I understand totally why she blocked you.

 

I'm, asking about the one who you were in contact with after who also blocked you just the other day.

What was said word for word from matching on whatever site it was to her blocking you?

[browzer]

In answer to some of your questions, in no particular order:

 

First let me give a bit of background on myself, my "credentials" so to speak.

 

Numerous girlfriends in high school and college, 18 year marriage, divorced, then a half dozen long relationships in the past 10 years including my current girlfriend, we're together 6 years, living together with a bright future in sight.

 

When I've been single in between relationships that tend to be of duration between 2 months to 2 years I did a lot of dating, mostly all from online dating sites but some from speed dating, others from blind dates set up by others. On any given week I'd have 2 or 3 dates on the weekends and maybe 1 or 2 during the week but I was never single more than perhaps 2 months and often I'd be multi-dating 2 or 3 women until I settled on one. Many of them were "not as advertised" and I had no interest in ever seeing the person again but with the exception of 2 really hot chicks that probably had 100s of options, I always got more dates until I decided they weren't for me. When I met my current girlfriend I was seeing 4 other women who weren't happy at all about my departure from the dating scene- they saw a future.

 

So I would define my dating experiences as largely successful.

 

I describe myself as an intelligent, active guy in reasonably good shape, women tell me I'm good looking, and lots of them contacted me first on the dating sites after checking my profile which I think says a lot. I too have dry humor such as you do, and lots of people don't get it- and this can sometimes be a problem, and it might just be a BIG one for you if you're trying to make a joke and they take you seriously.

 

Here's an example from a date that went wrong because of my dry sense of humor, perhaps you can relate. By the way she still went out with me a few more times but that one just fizzled out, I don't recall why. She was an asian chick, there was a bit of a language thing, and this added to the confusion of the "joke".

 

I get this circular in my mailbox of registered sex offenders that recently moved to the area. One day I got one with a picture of a guy that was a rather fuzzy poorly printed black and white mugshot that vaguely resembled me. So I kept it for future use. On our date I presented it to her and said "I'm required to tell potential dates about my criminal sex history". She was mortified. I tried to explain I was joking but I don't know that I ever convinced her.

 

I drink very rarely- and that does NOT in any way impair my ability to meet women. If anything it's the other way around- I've stricken potential dates off my list of future consideration after watching them drink a bottle or two of wine on a first date.

 

It's how you handle it that matters. I tell them I'm not a big drinker, it doesn't do much for me, I enjoy being in full control of my senses, I'm usually driving somewhere and I like to be alert because there's a lot of foolish people and bad drivers out there and you never know what life might be sending in your direction so it's good to be on the top of your game, and alcohol is a bunch of wasted calories that goes against all the good that a solid gym workout will give me. So you see I give a good reason that a woman can relate to, I don't just say "I don't drink" without giving my reasons nor sounding like I disapprove of her drinking even if she's guzzling like a fish and I know I won't ever see her again.

 

You need to loosen up, smile, maintain eye contact, listen to what she's saying, nod in the affirmative, make positive comments in response to whatever it is she's going on about, and just BE CONNECTED. Don't make dry humor jokes that she might not understand or take the wrong way. Just shelve the whole "I'm different from everyone and that's how it is and too bad if they don't understand me" because you'll be alone for the rest of your natural life and it's clear that's the LAST thing you want.

 

The whole "I don't go to musicals and I don't camp and I don't drink and that's why I can't get a second date" is simply ridiculous. You do enough things to connect on many levels with a woman if you give her enough reason to think you might be a good person for her to spend time with.

 

For all I know you act like a freaking weirdo on a date and she might be looking for the nearest exit because you display strange mannerisms or just say really oddball things but that's impossible to know, so all I can do is direct you towards more socially acceptable behavior and hope you get some success because there is no doubt that you are doing it wrong and it may be a numbers game but you are batting a big fat ZERO and that defies all reasonable probability given the huge number of dates you've had.

Edited December 24, 2017 by browzer

[ZA Dater]

In answer to some of your questions, in no particular order:

 

First let me give a bit of background on myself, my "credentials" so to speak.

 

Numerous girlfriends in high school and college, 18 year marriage, divorced, then a half dozen long relationships in the past 10 years including my current girlfriend, we're together 6 years, living together with a bright future in sight.

 

When I've been single in between relationships that tend to be of duration between 2 months to 2 years I did a lot of dating, mostly all from online dating sites but some from speed dating, others from blind dates set up by others. On any given week I'd have 2 or 3 dates on the weekends and maybe 1 or 2 during the week but I was never single more than perhaps 2 months and often I'd be multi-dating 2 or 3 women until I settled on one. Many of them were "not as advertised" and I had no interest in ever seeing the person again but with the exception of 2 really hot chicks that probably had 100s of options, I always got more dates until I decided they weren't for me. When I met my current girlfriend I was seeing 4 other women who weren't happy at all about my departure from the dating scene- they saw a future.

 

So I would define my dating experiences as largely successful.

 

I describe myself as an intelligent, active guy in reasonably good shape, women tell me I'm good looking, and lots of them contacted me first on the dating sites after checking my profile which I think says a lot. I too have dry humor such as you do, and lots of people don't get it- and this can sometimes be a problem, and it might just be a BIG one for you if you're trying to make a joke and they take you seriously.

 

Here's an example from a date that went wrong because of my dry sense of humor, perhaps you can relate. By the way she still went out with me a few more times but that one just fizzled out, I don't recall why. She was an asian chick, there was a bit of a language thing, and this added to the confusion of the "joke".

 

I get this circular in my mailbox of registered sex offenders that recently moved to the area. One day I got one with a picture of a guy that was a rather fuzzy poorly printed black and white mugshot that vaguely resembled me. So I kept it for future use. On our date I presented it to her and said "I'm required to tell potential dates about my criminal sex history". She was mortified. I tried to explain I was joking but I don't know that I ever convinced her.

 

I drink very rarely- and that does NOT in any way impair my ability to meet women. If anything it's the other way around- I've stricken potential dates off my list of future consideration after watching them drink a bottle or two of wine on a first date.

 

It's how you handle it that matters. I tell them I'm not a big drinker, it doesn't do much for me, I enjoy being in full control of my senses, I'm usually driving somewhere and I like to be alert because there's a lot of foolish people and bad drivers out there and you never know what life might be sending in your direction so it's good to be on the top of your game, and alcohol is a bunch of wasted calories that goes against all the good that a solid gym workout will give me. So you see I give a good reason that a woman can relate to, I don't just say "I don't drink" without giving my reasons nor sounding like I disapprove of her drinking even if she's guzzling like a fish and I know I won't ever see her again.

 

You need to loosen up, smile, maintain eye contact, listen to what she's saying, nod in the affirmative, make positive comments in response to whatever it is she's going on about, and just BE CONNECTED. Don't make dry humor jokes that she might not understand or take the wrong way. Just shelve the whole "I'm different from everyone and that's how it is and too bad if they don't understand me" because you'll be alone for the rest of your natural life and it's clear that's the LAST thing you want.

 

The whole "I don't go to musicals and I don't camp and I don't drink and that's why I can't get a second date" is simply ridiculous. You do enough things to connect on many levels with a woman if you give her enough reason to think you might be a good person for her to spend time with.

 

For all I know you act like a freaking weirdo on a date and she might be looking for the nearest exit because you display strange mannerisms or just say really oddball things but that's impossible to know, so all I can do is direct you towards more socially acceptable behavior and hope you get some success because there is no doubt that you are doing it wrong and it may be a numbers game but you are batting a big fat ZERO and that defies all reasonable probability given the huge number of dates you've had.

 

 

 

I always do as you mention about, specify a reason as to why I don't drink, the problem I have is my reasons aren't respected. Its a case of "oh but why" "just a little" and when I refuse the whole date changes.

 

 

People always tell me the key to dating is to get your date to laugh? Ok I wont try to do that anymore, I only tried to use humour to lighten up the whole situation, even if I was laughing at myself in the process which is ok because I thought it said I don't take myself too seriously.

 

 

The reality is I project by being interested in the things I am so while I don't say it, its fairly obvious to them, suggestions how to mitigate this? Please don't tell me to pretend to be interested in something I am not. .

 

 

Who knows what I say on dates if they don't like it, it would be nice for some critique though but that's asking too much perhaps.

 

 

BY the way your credentials are pretty good from where I am sitting. I have always said I can take the disappointment and rejection if just SOMETIMES I had some success to counter balance that.

[browzer]

I always do as you mention about, specify a reason as to why I don't drink, the problem I have is my reasons aren't respected. Its a case of "oh but why" "just a little" and when I refuse the whole date changes.

 

How exactly do you refuse?

 

What do you say and what do you do?

 

I will tell you this my friend. Its NOT that you don't drink. It's how you respond.

 

People always tell me the key to dating is to get your date to laugh? Ok I wont try to do that anymore, I only tried to use humour to lighten up the whole situation, even if I was laughing at myself in the process which is ok because I thought it said I don't take myself too seriously..

 

Do they ever laugh at your humor?

[ZA Dater]

How exactly do you refuse?

 

What do you say and what do you do?

 

I will tell you this my friend. Its NOT that you don't drink. It's how you respond.

 

 

 

Do they ever laugh at your humor?

 

 

 

I simply say I prefer not to drink. To which I am then asked "but why", my answer then is "because I don't enjoy it".

 

 

Some do laugh at my humour but its the exception rather than the norm.

 

 

I have been out quite a bit and trying out some of the ideas and suggestions in this thread to supplement Tinder which seems to dish up the worst matches imaginable, in fact not one of the people I get matched with I find attractive.

 

 

On the smiling and eye contact thing, been trying it consistently with no real expectations and cant honestly say I have seen any returned interest. I am trying to figure out why this works for other guys and not me but on the other hand I don't really feel too terrible about it because should someone actually show interest I wouldn't really know what to do them anyway!

 

 

Its so irritating not to match with anyone I find attractive.