I was abusive, now i'm blocked

[tomyy]

I will try to be brief. I'm a male 29 y.o. She is 24. Any advice or opinion is welcome. Relationship lasted a few months the first time, almost two years the second time.

 

- We met each other and it was love at first sight. We dated for months and she decided to come back with her abusive ex-boyfriend. I was the best boyfriend ever, i treated her very well.

 

- My life was a mess. I was addicted to weed with no job. She had clinical depression.

 

- After 5 months i called her, dated and came back. I helped to sort her depression. He helped me to be a good man. I started a (successful) business. finished college, etc all because of her support.

 

- Early in the relationship one night we fought, she got drunk and kissed a random guy. I know the host of the party where it happened and i'm sure it was only a kiss, no more. She came back to her apartment in a taxi alone.

 

- After that i became pretty abusive. Her kissing another guy mixed with her leaving me for her ex.

 

- I called her names, made her feel worthless, fought with her all the time, became jealous and controlling. She tried to kill herself two times because of this.

 

- She still tried to demonstrate she loved me and that she regretted her mistakes. She was, due to guilty, the sweetest girlfriend i ever had.

 

- I was an absent boyfriend working 12+ a day. I barely gave her attention, if any.

 

- Our sex life was next to nonexistent (i didn´t want to have sex with her) near the end of our relationship.

 

- Eventually she broke up with me several times. We always came back.

 

One day she had enough and broke up with me for real. I went NC for a week, we came back but we started to fight again (my jealousy). We broke up again, after a few weeks we came back but only trough phone (she didn't want to see me). Fought again (same reasons), broke up. We tried to come back again only by phone a few weeks later. Same problems.

 

Now she broke up with me for real real. She blocked my numbers, if i call from another number she talk with me for 3 or 5 minutes then ends the call and blocks me again. I buy a new sim card, call her and the cycle starts again.

 

I'm so sick of this. She is very cruel atm. She says she doesn't love me anymore. She says i treated her so poorly she doesn't have any good memories with me. She says she is so much happy without me. She says i will never change and she doesn't want to talk to me again.

 

It's been 10 weeks since then. 8 weeks without see each other. 12 weeks without having sex.

 

She is dating another guy. In fact, she is dating several guys but one in particular is becoming serious.

 

Me? Since the break up i can't wake up in the morning. I left my business alone and i lost it. I had savings but i only have one more month of savings. I will have to come back to my mom basement.

 

I smoke weed all day long. I don't go out of my apartment EVER. I just pass my days in my bed, smoking weed, drinking beer and watching videos of how to get her back/tv shows/anime. It's been that way for more that two months.

 

I feel i want to die. I've been thinking of killing myself. The only person that understands me is my therapist. But he even says that my case is so complicated and that maybe we need to stop seeing each other. Come on ! My own therapist thinks my situation is hopeless.

 

I bought a gun a few weeks ago. I'm scared i could do something stupid but i feel pretty bad.

 

Any advice?

 

P.S I've been abusive in ALL my relationships. At the start i'm a good boyfriend but when things go wrong i transform myself and become abusive.

[rubyjuly]

Well I was in her shoes (although to a much more serious dangerous level of physical violence) it ended when a stranger called 911 and he got busted is incarcerated now.

 

Pls do not kill yourself and get rid of your gun.

 

There's no excuse for abuse but go inpatient since your suicidal and you can talk with a therapist there and also have a time out basically from your urge to hurt yourself

 

You can if you want to redeem yourself into a man who won't ever abuse a woman again-- I'm not gonna pretend that is very hard to transform but the first place to start to get there is dig deep in your soul ask why you did that and have true sorrow and remorse. Not justifications for why you did it or that she kissed you off etc

 

I hope you will take a different path to go right now for help, if you are in thinking to kill yourself go to an ER or inpatient facility asap. Take a time out. Breathe. Take a step back. Think deep about it and decide to take the steps to transform so you know you won't ever make the choice to physically harm or verbally either a woman again

[amaysngrace]

Stop using your break up as a reason to become a loser.

 

Nobody is going to find that attractive.

[tomyy]

Well I was in her shoes (although to a much more serious dangerous level of physical violence) it ended when a stranger called 911 and he got busted is incarcerated now.

 

First of all, thanks for your kind words. Second, could you share your experience? I'd love to hear it.

[d0nnivain]

Get rid of the gun. At store it in somebody else's home in a locked safe

[tomyy]

Stop using your break up as a reason to become a loser.

 

Nobody is going to find that attractive.

 

I know you are right. My therapist is puzzled by this too. When i'm with someone i transform myself and i have accomplished great things when i'm in a relationship. I won contests, started successful business, got sexy jobs, finished two degrees, etc BUT ONLY WHEN I'M IN A RELATIONSHIP.

 

When a relationship is over i loss everything. I become a couch potato, stop wprking and i only smoke weed. After months i always find someone else and the cycle starts again: I reborn, start to do good things, she breaks up with me, i come back to be the same again.

[tomyy]

Get rid of the gun. At store it in somebody else's home in a locked safe

 

I think is the right thing to do. Not only i'm in risk, people around me are too.

[amaysngrace]

You need to believe you matter as much to you as they do.

 

You got no self love

[tomyy]

You need to believe you matter as much to you as they do.

 

You got no self love

 

I know. Not self-esteem. No self-respect. I can't love myself in fact i think i hate myself.

[amaysngrace]

I know. Not self-esteem. No self-respect. I can't love myself in fact i think i hate myself.

 

You're still the same guy who accomplished all those great things. You need to start doing things because you're in your life. You know that line from that movie "you complete me"? It's total BS.

 

You need to be whole on your own or you'll only ever attract broken people. Like your ex

[marky00]

I get where your coming from OP.

 

I have experienced this as well. Been in a relationship with a couple of girls I really did love and I achieved some crazy stuff because having them in my life gave me such a buzz.

 

Things would be awesome for 2 or 3 years until something external to the relationship would happen that would make me start to act negatively that ultimately ended the relationships. Often, these external events were usually one of those times in your life that I call the crossroads, where you have some type of decision to make and when you feel like you made the wrong decision, you tend to self-implode. Decisions about my health or maybe a pet dog etc were the soughts of things that would get on top of me.

 

Anyway, I didn't take out my issues on my girlfriends, I just would get depressed to some extent and they would eventually leave. Having said that, in both cases, I can say they didn't try very hard. Sadly, I tend to go for the girls who think I'm awesome when things are great but lose interest when I'm struggling. So I don't totally blame myself. I just own my part of it

 

You might like be a bit like me where it's all or nothing (I have changed my ways but now to some extent). You somehow sense that being just ok isn't the top of the pyramid so it just makes you depressed about it.

Edited December 12, 2017 by marky00

[tomyy]

Something very weird happened. I went to downtown to buy a new sim card. This time i called her and she didn´t answered. Instead, she blocked the number

 

I buy some beer and i started drinking. In my town people can drink on the streets.

 

And i saw her...With another guy

 

She was happy, smiling. She was so gorgeous, more of i remember. I called her in a public phone and when she heard my voice, ended the call. She didn't say a word.

 

I think is completely lost. I'm thinking to go in the night to her apartment. Maybe if she sees me, she changes her mind.

[tomyy]

I get where your coming from OP.

 

I have experienced this as well. Been in a relationship with a couple of girls I really did love and I achieved some crazy stuff because having them in my life gave me such a buzz.

 

Things would be awesome for 2 or 3 years until something external to the relationship would happen that would make me start to act negatively that ultimately ended the relationships. Often, these external events were usually one of those times in your life that I call the crossroads, where you have some type of decision to make and when you feel like you made the wrong decision, you tend to self-implode. Decisions about my health or maybe a pet dog etc were the soughts of things that would get on top of me.

 

Anyway, I didn't take out my issues on my girlfriends, I just would get depressed to some extent and they would eventually leave. Having said that, in both cases, I can say they didn't try very hard. Sadly, I tend to go for the girls who think I'm awesome when things are great but lose interest when I'm struggling. So I don't totally blame myself. I just own my part of it

 

You might like be a bit like me where it's all or nothing (I have changed my ways but now to some extent). You somehow sense that being just ok isn't the top of the pyramid so it just makes you depressed about it.

 

I think it's a similar situation. How did you fix it?

[elaine567]

I think is completely lost. I'm thinking to go in the night to her apartment. Maybe if she sees me, she changes her mind.

 

Highly unlikely.

DO NOT go to her apartment.

[amaysngrace]

If you truly love her you'd want her to be happy.

 

You see she's happy now so leave her alone.

 

If you can't leave her alone then you really don't love her at all.

[tomyy]

If you truly love her you'd want her to be happy.

 

You see she's happy now so leave her alone.

 

If you can't leave her alone then you really don't love her at all.

 

But i know i can make her happy.

[tomyy]

Highly unlikely.

DO NOT go to her apartment.

 

It's very unlikely if she has not feelings for me. If she does, then it's likely. How likely is that she still has feelings for me?

 

What do you think about this theory?

[tomyy]

You're still the same guy who accomplished all those great things. You need to start doing things because you're in your life. You know that line from that movie "you complete me"? It's total BS.

 

You need to be whole on your own or you'll only ever attract broken people. Like your ex

 

You are a good person and you are right. Have you experienced codependency and low self-esteem?

[Michelle ma Belle]

I know you are right. My therapist is puzzled by this too. When i'm with someone i transform myself and i have accomplished great things when i'm in a relationship. I won contests, started successful business, got sexy jobs, finished two degrees, etc BUT ONLY WHEN I'M IN A RELATIONSHIP.

 

When a relationship is over i loss everything. I become a couch potato, stop wprking and i only smoke weed. After months i always find someone else and the cycle starts again: I reborn, start to do good things, she breaks up with me, i come back to be the same again.

 

Back the truck up...you have a therapist?

 

Are you still seeing this therapist? If so, how long? How often? What kind of advice or support are they offering you? Have you seen improvement in your life as a result?

 

If not, why not? Why did you stop seeing them?

 

What prompted you to seek professional help?

 

 

I think THIS is the most important part here.

 

It's clear you have some big issues that need to be sorted out that only a professional can help with.

 

I'm much more curious to know about this than hash out details of your on-again-off-again relationship.

 

It all starts and ends with YOU.

[dumbass2]

Knock it if off and stop contacting her. Your gonna get yourself thrown jail if you keep it up. I know you don't seem to care about yourself right now, but that happening is gonna mess you up a lot worse then you are right now. Keep seeing the therapist. Stop contacting your ex immediately. Lay off the alcohol. Do you have any close friends you talk to? Family?

[Zahara]

But i know i can make her happy.

 

Unfortunately, after everything that has transpired, you can't really believe that you can make her happy. There is a reason why she has chosen to move on.

 

Focus on rebuilding your self-esteem. Keep visiting your therapist. Seek the support of your friends and family.

[tomyy]

First of all, i want to thank everyone here for your help. This forum is full of good people. Really, thanks a lot

 

Back the truck up...you have a therapist?

 

Are you still seeing this therapist? If so, how long? How often? What kind of advice or support are they offering you? Have you seen improvement in your life as a result?

 

If not, why not? Why did you stop seeing them?

 

What prompted you to seek professional help?

 

 

Yes, today is two months. Every week. He is very good at what he does, he is director of the psychology department in the local university.

 

Even he finds very hard my situation. He is trying a premises approach (he thinks i have very low self-esteem because my dad who was very very abusive with me) but it doesn't work. He thinks that it's because i use my addictions as a coping mechanism. I have done it for a decade, after my first breakup (started by me, ironically). I have multiple addictions, not only weed and alcohol but not drugs, other things. He thinks that maybe i should go to rehab before i can do a therapy. My local government gives free rehab programs, i'm enrolled to one that starts in December 22 but it's not that good, it doesn't have good feedback.

 

I started to look for professional help the last time i saw my ex. She said me "If you look for therapy, i can come back with you". She didn't come back after it, but i continued anyway. This guy really prevented me for doing worse ****. In fact, sometimes i don't do certain things because of me thinking in him.

 

It seems you are pretty interested in psychology. What is your background? Thanks for your reply

 

Knock it if off and stop contacting her. Your gonna get yourself thrown jail if you keep it up. I know you don't seem to care about yourself right now, but that happening is gonna mess you up a lot worse then you are right now. Keep seeing the therapist. Stop contacting your ex immediately. Lay off the alcohol. Do you have any close friends you talk to? Family?

 

It's very possible. In fact, her father is a JUDGE and he never liked me and treated me poorly. That's why, all this time, i haven't showed up in her front door or why i don't confront her when i see her with others guys. I figured it out that while i leave it on the phone i won't have legal problems but this time is so different, she closed every door and i'm afraid that it counts as harassment if i continue this behavior.

 

Yes. But everyone is bored even my parents. Everyone expect me to be ok after more than two months and when i talk they just say "you should stop contacting her", etc). I know it's the best advice for me right know, but doesn't help to cope with my emotions. In fact, i can only help myself to do that but i just can't.

 

Unfortunately, after everything that has transpired, you can't really believe that you can make her happy. There is a reason why she has chosen to move on.

 

Focus on rebuilding your self-esteem. Keep visiting your therapist. Seek the support of your friends and family.

 

Maybe you're right. I appreciate your sincerity

Edited December 12, 2017 by tomyy

[amaysngrace]

I'm sorry that your father abused you when you were little. That probably is a big part of why you be your best for others but not for just yourself alone.

 

You need to remember your dad treated you like that because there is something very wrong with HIM and not because there's something very wrong with YOU.

 

I know it's hard to process it that way, especially when you're probably still using coping methods you adopted as a young person just trying to survive the best you could, but you owe it to yourself to honor the hurt child inside you and treat yourself the way you deserved to be treated all along, with love and respect.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

People are advising you to stay away from your ex because you come across as unstable and dangerous.

 

Drugs, suicidal thoughts, and guns are an alarming combination. Added to that, you think showing up at her house in the middle of the night is a good idea? Seriously?! You are are exhibiting very poor judgement and boundaries.

 

Contacting her repeatedly, when she has blocked you and asked you to leave her alone, is harassment. Buying new numbers to continue to harass her is not ok.

 

No one is expecting you to just get over it. You're heartbroken and struggling to cope, but that does not give you the right to harass someone. She has made it 100% clear that she wants to move on. You may not feel the same, but you have to respect her decision. She has the right to say no.

 

All you can do right now is take care of yourself, and find a way to get things back on track, FOR YOU, not anyone else. You are capable of success, you have proven that before, but it needs to be for your own sense of self worth and happiness.

 

If you can't control your self destructive behavior then you aren't ready for a relationship.

 

The way you are heading, you are going to end up arrested. You need to get yourself together, and get rid of that gun immediately!

[tomyy]

I called her again, i was so drunk. She asked me to no contact her, i threatened with uploading her nudes to internet. I deleted every nude so i can't do it but i threatened anyway. Today her father called me, they are going to sue me