d0nnivain Posted December 13, 2017 Posted December 13, 2017 I'm telling you the text you didn't care for was the best she can do. She likes you. She didn't express it in a way you think is the right way for her to communicate that she cares & to you it sounds cold but that is how she communicates. You can't accept that. You want her to speak differently but do you understand you are going to have to be very patient and teach her how to talk to you in a way that you like better? She may never be able to do that. In light of the fact that she's going away for a while, talk will be all you have. I genuinely think you should keep talking to but do a better job holding your feelings in reserve. I'm not saying put all your eggs in her basket but keep the lines of communication open & see where you both are when she returns. Perhaps by then you will have met someone else who is more fluent in your language. 1
Author DontBreakEven Posted December 13, 2017 Author Posted December 13, 2017 I'm telling you the text you didn't care for was the best she can do. She likes you. She didn't express it in a way you think is the right way for her to communicate that she cares & to you it sounds cold but that is how she communicates. You can't accept that. You want her to speak differently but do you understand you are going to have to be very patient and teach her how to talk to you in a way that you like better? She may never be able to do that. This really makes the most sense. She basically told me the same ... that she doesn't speak my language, and that she most likely never will be able to, and that she feels like she will never be enough for me in that area. You're right. Like she said, it took a lot for her to say "I like you", and that is clearly the best that she can do. I hate to say, because I do like her a lot, but that will never be even close to enough for me, she is correct. I plan to keep the communication open, but my feelings were getting too deep the way it was going. I hate pulling back because I feel like it's mean, but I don't know what else to do now really. If I don't pull back, my eggs will remain in this hopeful basket that I know won't be enough for me. Plus, after that entire exchange things were pretty tense, and it was her last night here. I feel like it hasn't cooled down from that. I don't know. I'm just sad. It's clear that we are not a good match and that is just sad sometimes to have to face, especially when no one did anything wrong. Just 2 good people who aren't right for each other.
1fish2fish Posted December 13, 2017 Posted December 13, 2017 It's clear that we are not a good match and that is just sad sometimes to have to face, especially when no one did anything wrong. Just 2 good people who aren't right for each other. Exactly. It IS sad...but, by acknowledging it you are saving yourself for emotions far worse than sad. Wishing you the best. 1
d0nnivain Posted December 13, 2017 Posted December 13, 2017 Dontbreakeven You are allowed to want what you want & need what you need in a relationship but while it's never a brilliant plan to go into a relationship expecting them to change I believe people can evolve. I was a cold fish like her when I was younger. I played my cards very close to the vest & was petrified of getting hurt. I didn't communicate my feelings well. Over the years I learned to be clearer & more expressive. I tell important people that I love them, including my friends. It was hard at first but now feels more natural. My DH is stoic & extremely quiet, almost introverted. He spends a LOT of time alone & the best he could do was send me flowery lovey-dovey cards because he didn't have the words. He still doesn't but I have not gotten him to write a little something in the cards which was a huge change for him. His whole family remarks how much more outgoing he is now, since me. To me he's still bottled up but I appreciate the progress over the course of the last DECADE. In comparison that is why I was harsh on you about the 7 weeks you & this woman have been together. If she's genuine & you really like her, being patient may pay off for you in the long run but it will be years before she's open enough to give you the words you seek. If you really won't be happy without that affirmation, she may not be the girl for you.
marky00 Posted December 13, 2017 Posted December 13, 2017 (edited) I'm telling you the text you didn't care for was the best she can do. She likes you. She didn't express it in a way you think is the right way for her to communicate that she cares & to you it sounds cold but that is how she communicates. You can't accept that. You want her to speak differently but do you understand you are going to have to be very patient and teach her how to talk to you in a way that you like better? She may never be able to do that. Totally disagree. Her comment saying "I know it's disappointed you" says it all. Sure she might like him but that's it. I've LIKED girls and they have LIKED me but nothing long-term ever eventuated. She really doesn't care that much. Your living in fairyland if you see it any other way. I do agree she put some effort in to the text but it honestly sounds like a breakup text to me. Came across very condescending. Doesn't matter if she spent days composing it. She still doesn't care that much. Edited December 13, 2017 by marky00
Author DontBreakEven Posted December 13, 2017 Author Posted December 13, 2017 Dontbreakeven If she's genuine & you really like her, being patient may pay off for you in the long run but it will be years before she's open enough to give you the words you seek. She is genuine and I do really like her, but I think my problem with patience when it comes to her isn't just this lone issue. This is just an issue on top of other similar issues surrounding her seemingly lack of intimacy. I think my problem is that I worry less about my needs, and more about the needs of someone else. I worry more about hurting and abandoning her than knowing that I want more than this bare minimum (even though that's the best she can give me at the moment - and while I appreciate it - it's just too little). Ugh.
jjgitties Posted December 13, 2017 Posted December 13, 2017 It ain't gonna work out between you two. You sound way too intense and she sounds way too aloof. You are going to keep bickering about exactly which noun and pronoun pissed you off the most on which given day of the week. Cut your losses. 2
usa1ah Posted December 14, 2017 Posted December 14, 2017 I believe with the things you have posted, it sounds like she isn’t willing to make an effort to change at the present time. Had she been hurt in the past? If it took an huge effort for her to come out and just say “I like you”, then I truly believe she really likes you. Has she always been like this or did something happen to her to make her close up and put these walls up? I will say this, if she closedown her emotions as a defense from something in her past you might be able to help her if you want. If this is who she is then there might not be to much you can do. It doesn’t sound like the two of you have know each other long enough to know each other’s personal histories. Up to you how you go, if she is a good woman it might be worth the effort to find out which is the case.
Highndry Posted December 14, 2017 Posted December 14, 2017 Cut your losses and find a woman who's open. This is way too much stress at a time when you should be in the honeymoon period of a relationship. You're right to feel like you do, I'd never be happy with such a cold woman either. 3
Author DontBreakEven Posted December 14, 2017 Author Posted December 14, 2017 I believe with the things you have posted, it sounds like she isn’t willing to make an effort to change at the present time. Had she been hurt in the past? If it took an huge effort for her to come out and just say “I like you”, then I truly believe she really likes you. Has she always been like this or did something happen to her to make her close up and put these walls up? I will say this, if she closedown her emotions as a defense from something in her past you might be able to help her if you want. If this is who she is then there might not be to much you can do. It doesn’t sound like the two of you have know each other long enough to know each other’s personal histories. Up to you how you go, if she is a good woman it might be worth the effort to find out which is the case. Yes I think she has been hurt in the past (haven't we all), but I don't think that's the root cause of her issue. The last conversation we had she was telling me all sorts of things about her family life and background ... all sorts of things explaining to me that shutting down is her defense mechanism and what has literally saved her life numerous times, and that's just how she is, and how she wants to stay, because it's what has worked for her. So yeah. Probably not much that I can do. She straight up told me that this is just how she is.
Author DontBreakEven Posted December 14, 2017 Author Posted December 14, 2017 Cut your losses and find a woman who's open. This is way too much stress at a time when you should be in the honeymoon period of a relationship. You're right to feel like you do, I'd never be happy with such a cold woman either. Ugh. Agreed. It's always been a downfall of mine trying to get people to open up, when the reality is, some just WON'T, no matter what you do. No matter how long you speak. No matter how much they seem to be interested. I agree it should be the honeymood period. That's what I've been pushing for. And on her end, she thinks it's the TOO SOON period to be flirty or saying "I miss you" etc. So backwards than how I operate. If we aren't having fun now, I don't know how it could even progress past "Too Soon".
stillafool Posted December 14, 2017 Posted December 14, 2017 That's a good point D0nnivain. Honestly, it's been like this with her from the beginning. I responded with "yea". And she then said "Hey. I like you". (Which supposedly took a lot of courage for her to say). I guess I said the wrong thing because I then said, "I don't know what that means to you". Because I don't. Like, yes, she's closed off beyond belief and I have no idea where I stand, ever. Doesn't bode well for someone with anxiety, and we aren't dating, just "talking", so like I don't know where I stand when she leaves the country for work. Anyway, she got very angry at my response and hence why this is most likely ending because this all happened on her last night here. She said it took courage for her to say that and give me a more explicit response that she "knew I was wanting", and I somehow turned it into a negative. I know that you mentioned patience. I've tried. I really have. What ends up happening is that I try for a while, and then after like a week I blow up because I feel like I am being emotionally starved. I hate myself for making this a death knell, but I also have to acknowledge the fact that I know myself and my needs/wants in a relationship or even just dating. I really wish I could be calm and cool and somewhat robotic so that I could be with someone like her, because yes, I have feelings for her. But I am the antithesis of that, and it's upsetting me now because it's ruining things, which is in turn causing me to turn this whole situation inward and blame myself. Why not let this woman be and find one who needs the same type of emotional bonding that you do? This woman does not seem compatible with you. Stop dating emotionally unavailable women. 1
Author DontBreakEven Posted December 14, 2017 Author Posted December 14, 2017 Why not let this woman be and find one who needs the same type of emotional bonding that you do? This woman does not seem compatible with you. Stop dating emotionally unavailable women. I should. I have a hell of a time letting go once I've kind of attached. It's a terrible trait, I know, and something I really want to work on, but I don't even know where to begin with that. It's like ingrained in my soul somehow. Totally is the reason I've been in bad relationships in the past.
jjgitties Posted December 15, 2017 Posted December 15, 2017 Yes I think she has been hurt in the past (haven't we all), but I don't think that's the root cause of her issue. The last conversation we had she was telling me all sorts of things about her family life and background ... all sorts of things explaining to me that shutting down is her defense mechanism and what has literally saved her life numerous times, and that's just how she is, and how she wants to stay, because it's what has worked for her. So yeah. Probably not much that I can do. She straight up told me that this is just how she is. Thats really cute. But the true indicator that a gurl likes you is, did she or does she ask you any questions about you and your background. IMO, emotionally self centered women who only talk about themselves and their background without ever asking you anything about you -- thats a dead give away. ;-)
Author DontBreakEven Posted December 15, 2017 Author Posted December 15, 2017 IMO, emotionally self centered women who only talk about themselves and their background without ever asking you anything about you -- thats a dead give away. ;-) Lol a dead giveaway that she's not into me --- mhm I know that you don't think that I do, but I get it. However she can aslo stop texting me that she likes me. It doesn't matter. I've decided that I will correspond with her as a semi-flirty friend and remove my feelings. She doesn't even live in my city anyway at the moment, and she's leaving the country for a good 2 months. I don't understand what exactly it is that she wants from me, but it seriously does not matter. Even if she were super into me, I'd need 1000x more by way of affection. I deserve more.
dangerous Posted December 20, 2017 Posted December 20, 2017 You are on a 'hiding to nothing' here except more pain. Too much analysis going on. She is either not interested or she has too many problems of her own for you to fix her or make a go of this. Run like the wind!
Author DontBreakEven Posted February 14, 2018 Author Posted February 14, 2018 It ain't gonna work out between you two. You sound way too intense and she sounds way too aloof. You are going to keep bickering about exactly which noun and pronoun pissed you off the most on which given day of the week. Cut your losses. Update. Basically this is exactly what ended up happening. It only took about 6 more weeks. Except, she did get less aloof eventually. But yes, we just bickered daily about literally everything. Like one day we actually talked about the weather, and bickered. Cutting losses finally. I'm sad.
CantTakeMySmile Posted February 14, 2018 Posted February 14, 2018 Update. Basically this is exactly what ended up happening. It only took about 6 more weeks. Except, she did get less aloof eventually. But yes, we just bickered daily about literally everything. Like one day we actually talked about the weather, and bickered. Cutting losses finally. I'm sad. Unfortunately, I saw that coming. Some people just aren't emotionally compatible . Good thing sit was a short time affair.
LonelyJedi Posted February 14, 2018 Posted February 14, 2018 It ain't gonna work out between you two. You sound way too intense and she sounds way too aloof. You are going to keep bickering about exactly which noun and pronoun pissed you off the most on which given day of the week. Cut your losses. This. Opposites may attract, but it usually never lasts. Find someone who appreciates your level of intimacy, affection and affirmation. You are going to drive yourself crazy trying to analyze everything that she says and having to translate into something you want to hear.
Author DontBreakEven Posted February 14, 2018 Author Posted February 14, 2018 This. Opposites may attract, but it usually never lasts. Find someone who appreciates your level of intimacy, affection and affirmation. You are going to drive yourself crazy trying to analyze everything that she says and having to translate into something you want to hear. Yep. We were definitely the most opposite unlike anything I've ever experienced. We literally could not see eye to eye on anything. Turns out it wasn't just emotions either. It was downright everything. It's just hard. I think with this one I'm really reallllllyyyyy realizing my issues with attachment and detaching. Because, I never was really even into this girl truly. Like I found her to be the oddest, and somewhat most annoying person I've ever met. Had there been no weird chemistry I would probably never interact with this person in a normal situation. I was attached to her though. And I'm having a really hard time letting that go. I think I need to see a therapist at this point, because this is ridiculous.
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