My fiancee just ended our relationship

[VTLife]

Hello all. This is my first time posting on here so apologies if there is a similar thread out there that might provide me with some insight, but regardless of that, I would appreciate someone reading my story and providing me with some feedback or guidance.

 

I dated my fiancee for four years and she recently broke up with me a couple of weeks back. By her own admission, up until October at least, we had a great relationship. She would tell me that she could not envision her life without me and that I have helped her overcome many obstacles that she would not have been able to face otherwise. I always felt that we had a happy, healthy and mutually rewarding relationship. There was always a strong connection there.

 

Back around mid-October, it was almost as if a switch had been flipped. The happy girl who always greeted me with the warmest of smiles and who shared everything with me had suddenly put up a wall. We suddenly stopped talking in the same comfortable manner that was normal for us, she was constantly on her phone when I was in the room messaging other people and we were having very long and unproductive fights. She had also suddenly become very critical of me. It was miserable.

 

While I believe that we had a good relationship, I will certainly admit to having some hangups but, all in all, she seemed happy. She has suffered from anxiety and depression in the past. When "the switch was flipped" and things started going south between us a month ago, I do not think that I handled it as well as I could have. She just started a new and stressful job, we just moved to a larger city, and she was having some issues with her immediate family. To make matters worse, I feel like she may have been having an emotional affair of sorts with a male coworker as she was spending a lot of time with him outside of work. (I do genuinely think that they have developed a friendship and that she finds him comforting to a certain extent at this point in her life. That is still very troubling to me but I don't believe it has developed into anything romantic...yet.)

 

I have felt so hopeless this last month. She had become very depressed and working with her was extremely difficult as she had put up such a large brick wall around herself that I was desperately trying to get over. On the one hand she wanted space but on the other hand, she was saying some really dark things that made me not want to give her that space. I also broke her trust by accessing her Facebook account. (I have never done this in the past and I immensely regret doing it out of desperation in this situation. I was very worried about her given the things she was saying and the general darkening of her mood.)

 

I am at a loss and I am very confused. On the one hand, I do feel like her depression and anxiety is a key culprit here. I also feel like perhaps it was me who is making her depressed -- or at least contributing to it with how rocky it has been between us. Maybe I was just blind to how badly she was feeling about us this whole time? I also feel like our relationship could have been salvageable but that my poor decisions during the stress of this last month has ruined us forever. And then yet another part of me feels that maybe she has developed feelings for this coworker and that she was looking for "an out" and found herself a clean break.

 

All I know for sure is that I love this girl more than anything. I am completely hooked and she claims that she still loves me, too, but that I have hurt her too badly. We have fought relentlessly over the last month and a lot of words were said that are regrettable. I last saw her a week ago when I officially moved out of our apartment and we started off on a good foot before we started in with another fight and then it finally ended with both of us crying and me hugging her. (We have lived together for nearly four years.) I was going to do no contact in an effort to give her space (and potentially approach her after she had cooled down) but I became concerned that in this case, this would enable her coworker to get even closer to her (which is a fear of mine.)

 

I gave it a few days and then sent her a message telling her that I wanted to send her a long email but that she did not need to open it until she was ready. She said that she had been especially anxious lately and asked if it would upset her. I told her that it would not and that I was deeply sorry about everything. The email was an apology for how unhelpful I had been over the last month and it was also me expressing how I truly feel about her and about us.) She received the email three days ago. Although I do not know if she has opened it yet or not, she has sent me messages each morning. One was to tell me about a magazine subscription she thought I might like, the second was to see if I was okay as she knew that I had been in NYC after that pipe bomb exploded yesterday and the third was to make sure I made it to work safely today as the roads here are treacherous with snow. If she read my email, she knows that I want her back and that I believe that we can work this out. For her to send me messages, even though they are polite, seems rather cruel. I need help sorting this out as all I want in life is to get my fiancee back.

[HumanMachine]

Emotional affair? Come on.......

[kgcolonel]

VT....I believe you really know what either happened before she became distant or has since so at this time as hard as it is, you will do well to go NC completely.

 

Doing the pick me dance i.e. friends or friendly is going to make you weak in her eyes and eliminate any chance of her reconsidering her decision.

 

Secondly, every exchange you have with her is delaying your healing.

 

Either way, staying in contact will not yield anything you desire IMO.

 

I suggest you simply let her know that if she has a change of heart to call you as you "might" be available but you're moving on and otherwise, you're going to block her to begin your own healing.

 

She's very likely already with this other guy and is only trying to relieve her guilt by reaching out to you....ignore and or block her immediately.

[VTLife]

I certainly can understand why you believe that she either had an affair prior to us breaking up or has started up a rebound with him since. I just cannot help but feel like there is something more happening here. Perhaps that is totally "wishful" thinking on my part. Either way, it is devastating and I am saddened by the turn of events.

[elaine567]

SHE dumped you, that is very important.

 

You have poured your heart out to her via email, to receive back some messages she could have sent to her grandma.

 

She is done.

Sorry!

[Zahara]

I certainly can understand why you believe that she either had an affair prior to us breaking up or has started up a rebound with him since. I just cannot help but feel like there is something more happening here. Perhaps that is totally "wishful" thinking on my part. Either way, it is devastating and I am saddened by the turn of events.

 

It's called denial. It's very common just after a break-up because embracing the finality is too painful. It's part and parcel of the grieving process.

 

I would suggest you go strict NC. Don't allow her to use you as a transitional crutch as she moves on to this guy/new guy. Her contact is likely due to her trying to alleviate her guilt rather than true and genuine interest. Don't mistake it for hope.

 

Usually, when someone's behavior does a 180 change, they're done. She's into the new guy and her depression and anger was likely due to the fact that she was struggling between cheating and being with you.

[zawadi16]

It's called denial. It's very common just after a break-up because embracing the finality is too painful. It's part and parcel of the grieving process.

 

I would suggest you go strict NC. Don't allow her to use you as a transitional crutch as she moves on to this guy/new guy. Her contact is likely due to her trying to alleviate her guilt rather than true and genuine interest. Don't mistake it for hope.

 

Usually, when someone's behavior does a 180 change, they're done.She's into the new guy and her depression and anger was likely due to the fact that she was struggling between cheating and being with you.

 

What do you mean? In the process of breaking up with you they’re cold?

If someone is done, would they tell you days later that they’re having a hard time?

 

Either way OP I agree with Zahara. There’s a reason why your gut is telling you something was going on with the coworker. Trust that feeling, especially since she acted so distant.

[BluesPower]

OK, so this is what happened...

 

You did nothing wrong, or not enough wrong. Here is what went down.

 

She was/is having an affair with the guy from work, not emotional, a full on physical (or romantic as you say, LOL).

 

She probably had been feeling ambivalent about the relationship with you for a while, maybe not, but probably.

 

You are the safe beta boy and she probably met a hot guy that may have some power at her new job. He is "more" in her mind.

 

So she decided to jump ship.

 

It does not look like you guys are living together. If you want to know, you can ask her but she will lie, especially since you are broken up. If you had access to her phone bill that would show you who she has been talking too.

 

The give away is the time outside of work. And look, adults don't just hold hands, they have sex.

 

So she has been cheating on you and she decided to break up. Oh, and finding all the things to criticize you for, that is part of the cheating. It helps them justify what they are doing because you are such a dud, and bla, bla, bla.

 

Best thing to do is ghost her and forget about her.

[CaliBabe]

As a woman, I am sorry to say she has developed feelings for someone else and wants to seek that relationship. There is absolutely nothing you can do. She has already checked out. Let her go and try to heal. I am so sorry this happened to you.

[Jsos91]

So, the situation I went through back in may is pretty much identical to your current one.

 

I was engaged, seemingly happy, everything was fine, and we were 3 months away from our wedding.

 

She began a new school program in the city and that’s when everything changed. She did a 180 as you said and started acting distant and strange when she was away at school. I don’t know about you but my girl got really clingy when she was home and the last week we were together she wanted to have sex several times, everyday. I look at that now as her trying to feel something because she was confused.

 

Anyways, she ended things about a month into this program and gave me a whole bunch of excuses as to why we shouldn’t be together. Guess what? She’s with someone from her school program as we speak.

 

I know how you feel, you think you know this girl and you think there’s no way she would do something so horrible to you.. but I’m telling you right now, it’s likely that she has. I suggest what I did, graciously exit her life and make her second guess everything. I haven’t breathed a word to her in 6 months and she’s reached out I believe 5 times now. It hurts like hell, I know.. but she’s showing her true colours to you now, believe her actions, not her words. Yeah

[VTLife]

I appreciate everyone's responses. I know how it sounds, but I feel that there is more going on than what seems obvious. I think that she feels overwhelmed with life currently and that she has no one else to turn to as all of her closest friends would be considered mutual. I think that she is depressed and she feels very alone. While I do not believe that she was with him while we were dating, i cannot be so sure about what she is doing now.

 

But I do have an update: after a couple of weeks of minimal contact (with the exception of her reaching out to me for minor but necessary things such as picking up mail, etc) I broke down and reached out to her. I told her that I wanted to consider reconciliation as I thought that the relationship ended abruptly and that we had left a lot unfinished. I invited her out to coffee this morning. We ended up talking for two hours. It started off with small talk and then she gradually started discussing heavier things. It ended with her crying and stating that she could see herself maybe being open to reconciling one day but that she needed more time and space. She says that she still loves me and cares about me. I would definitely take her back, provided that she is willing to go to counseling with me. I am just very confused by this whole thing. I am trying to approach it rationally and with a clear mind, but I still have such strong feelings for her.

[Marc878]

You are allowing yourself to be strung along.

 

She dumped you for another guy but is to much of a coward to tell you the truth.

 

You don't want to believe it so you continue to project your feelings onto her. She doesn't feel that way about you.

 

Quit being a needy, clingy weak guy and cut her off completely.

 

All you're doing at this time is making yourself look bad and lowering your status to zero.

[VTLife]

The chorus of people here telling me that I am weak is becoming a bit tedious.

[sdraw108]

The chorus of people here telling me that I am weak is becoming a bit tedious.

 

One of the things I love about this forum is people don't sugar coat their words. They'll tell you the truth (as they see it) even if that means being blunt and a little harsh.

 

Personally, I'm not going to call you weak, but as others have said, It seems highly likely she has been cheating on you. The timing of her going cold on you (which is otherwise totally out of the blue) fits with when she started talking to the other guy.

 

It can be hard to see these things when you're in the middle of it.

[Gr8fuln2020]

OP,

 

She is the one who dumped you. It is she who should make overtures of reconciliation FIRST and consistently move in that direction. Her lack of a reply to your email comes across as a means to avoid your feelings and desires. She doesn't want to entertain them and open up to them for now. Is it possible that she may respond with more substance, sure, but, again, she is the one who dumped you, so you should make HER do the work of reconciling.

 

Did she have an affair? Well, I don't know for certain. It seems to me that another possibility is that she was not ready to commit and shut down b/c of that. Such behavior, of course, is consistent of someone who has had an affair and suddenly does a 180.

 

Good luck. I don't think you're being weak, rather, perhaps, naive and too emotional, that is, allowing your 'love' for her cloud your judgment.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

It ended with her crying and stating that she could see herself maybe being open to reconciling one day but that she needed more time and space.

 

.......to see if things with her new guy are going to work out or not.

 

If you're ok with being Plan B, by all means stick around and wait.

[Highndry]

.......to see if things with her new guy are going to work out or not.

 

If you're ok with being Plan B, by all means stick around and wait.

 

Exactly. Even if it didn't work out with the new guy and she went back to him, she'd end up dumping him again because she's completely devalued him at this point.

[BluesPower]

The chorus of people here telling me that I am weak is becoming a bit tedious.

 

.......to see if things with her new guy are going to work out or not.

 

If you're ok with being Plan B, by all means stick around and wait.

 

Sorry for telling you the truth...

 

CO's post is exactly to the point. Further, yes you are being weak here. She is testing new guy out and seeing if he is better. He was obviously good enough in the sack to replace you.

 

What we are trying to say to you is that you need to have some self respect, and right now you are showing none.

 

She cheated on you, for sure - no question about it, she left you for the other guy and you are sitting around taking it.

 

She is not the only woman in the world, there are so many great women out the, but she is not one of them...

[bluecastle]

I really feel for you, OP. I spent the better part of the past year in a similar situation: gf grew distant when depression struck and eventually looked for salvation in another man. She lied about it being anything, but I eventually learned otherwise. It's something of an ongoing saga, though I've chosen not to engage in it because at the end of the day I know I can't control how she feels.

 

I suggest you try to find some power by controlling the only thing you can right now: yourself. Whether she had an emotional and/or physical affair with the coworker, whether depression/anxiety lead to her detachment, whether your handling of that period could have been better—these are all irrelevant questions right now. That is the past. It happened, and nothing can make it un-happen. No letter, no email, no gesture.

 

At present she is showing you that she's not fully available. Be honest with yourself about that. Whatever the reasons, she sounds a bit lost, a bit adrift, and in that current she drifted away from the relationship for answers. Will she drift back? Maybe. For the right reasons? Perhaps. You two have a long history, so who knows? Time knows, and you need to embrace time as a friend and not an enemy.