ExposedBrick Posted December 12, 2017 Posted December 12, 2017 I have an amazing platonic female friend, arguably my best friend at this point in my life. Our rapport is so intense that three different groups of my friends assumed we were an item or told me we should be. I agree with them our rapport or friend chemistry is amazing. The thing is, I just don’t find her physically attractive. I’ve felt conflicted about it at times but it’s hard for me to tell my other friends that I’m not sexually attracted to her. It’s hard for me to say anything negative about a great person, who I love, but not in a romantic way. It drives me nuts really. If I was even slightly attracted to her, I think we’d be married. I don’t think sexual attraction can be forced as I have tried dating women that I loved their personality but just don’t have the hots for. Is this a normal thought/situation?
Highndry Posted December 12, 2017 Posted December 12, 2017 The answer is absolutely not, for your own interests as well as hers. 6
RecentChange Posted December 12, 2017 Posted December 12, 2017 Normal and don't try to force it. I was in a similar boat. Life long friend, for years we were thick as thieves. Get along beautifully, lots of common interests, make each other laugh way too hard. Gone on trips together, been through stressful situations and never an argument.... Add that he is crazy successful (CEO of investment firm and multiple ivy league degrees) - at one point my friends were asking WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! Land that catch already. But I have zero sexual attraction to him. I don't know why. He's pretty good looking, tall, powerful... And I suspect he isn't attracted to me either because after 25 years.... Neither of us ever made a move. He's my friend, and I value him as such. Maybe if I was attracted to him I could be living the dream life on his winery estate - but it was never meant to be. I say stay the course. You don't need to insult her to your friends, just tell them you don't know why, but you never felt romantically inclined towards her - but you deeply value her as a friend. 2
O'Malley Posted December 12, 2017 Posted December 12, 2017 Why ruin a good thing by forcing feelings that aren't there? It's just the variances of attraction; your friend can be attractive, she's simply not your type, for one reason or another, and you're not hers. There are women you can have platonic friendships with and women you're sexually or romantically attracted towards, sometimes they will overlap but you can still experience one dynamic without the other. Two people can have great chemistry as friends, you can even find each other generically attractive, but the dynamic isn't one that would ever translate to a sexual or romantic attraction.
TheFinalWord Posted December 12, 2017 Posted December 12, 2017 Another vote for no. You risk losing a great friend, and you already know you have zero physical attraction. You can't force yourself to be attracted to someone. It just happens automatically. But finding a great friend is rare, which is why I don't think you should risk it.
jjgitties Posted December 12, 2017 Posted December 12, 2017 Is this a normal thought/situation? Yeah, sort of. Though I dont know why you would want to date your good female friend and risk losing that friendship if you don't have physical attraction to her? I am in a sort of similar situation with a very good female friend. She's one of my best friends for 20+ years. She is attractive but because she is such a close friend, I am not sexually attracted to her and I would never make a move in that direction just because I would really be too worried about losing her as a close friend. Plus, because I know her so well, I also know how screwed up she is in relationships. Thats another reason why I wouldn't get into an LTR with her.
todreaminblue Posted December 12, 2017 Posted December 12, 2017 why is it hard to tell your friends that you arent sexually attracted to her?......why is it any of their business anyway....who you are sexually attracted too? you know there are many couples out there who start with sexual attraction ...have mad sex and once that fire is out and it becomes an effort to keep the spark alive..... they are over.......i dont think basing a relationship or starting one with a pure sexual attraction is actually a good idea...friendship i feel...is actually more important than mad sex...although...mad sex is fun.......friendship has a longer lasting effect on any relationship....sex....could be with anyone...friendship involves effort.............deb
d0nnivain Posted December 12, 2017 Posted December 12, 2017 You already know that for you sexual attraction is there from the outset or it's never there so No, you should not try dating your friend. If you were somebody for whom attraction / affection grows over time as you more & more see the other person with your heart & not just your eyes, I might have said maybe. I'm like you -- a chemistry person -- & know from experience that this just won't work so don't ruin a great friendship
Popsicle Posted December 12, 2017 Posted December 12, 2017 What makes you want to try dating her? Is it because you are spending all your time talking to her and no time talking to women you are sexually attracted to? If you find that you have little motivation to talk to other women, then yes, go ahead and date her, because you won't ever move from your position if you continue with this, so you might as well do something.
guest569 Posted December 12, 2017 Posted December 12, 2017 I’m confused about why you are conflicted about it when you have said that you are not romantically in love and there is no attraction. If it is merely because friends see something that isn’t there, so what? Not their business. Or is there something more going on and your love for her is more romantic than you would admit? Has she shown any interest in you romantically? How long have you been friends? I don’t think attraction would grow or you would already feel it. But it is not unheard of. I agree wTh others that it could risk the friendship and you will have to weigh up whether it is worth the risk.
Gr8fuln2020 Posted December 12, 2017 Posted December 12, 2017 I have an amazing platonic female friend, arguably my best friend at this point in my life. Our rapport is so intense that three different groups of my friends assumed we were an item or told me we should be. I agree with them our rapport or friend chemistry is amazing. The thing is, I just don’t find her physically attractive. I’ve felt conflicted about it at times but it’s hard for me to tell my other friends that I’m not sexually attracted to her. It’s hard for me to say anything negative about a great person, who I love, but not in a romantic way. It drives me nuts really. If I was even slightly attracted to her, I think we’d be married. I don’t think sexual attraction can be forced as I have tried dating women that I loved their personality but just don’t have the hots for. Is this a normal thought/situation? Quite normal, I think. Oftentimes, one has an amazing synchronicity of personality with another when platonic. No pressure to be anyone else but yourself. BUT, there is a reason why it is platonic and you have yours. Don't ruin the friendship by trying to force a square peg into a round hole. Why are you even contemplating this? Rough dating scene? Take a break from dating and perhaps simply enjoy your friendship with this lady. 1
heavenonearth Posted December 12, 2017 Posted December 12, 2017 No. Bad idea. Won’t work. Will ruin friendship. Leave it as is. Good luck. 3
Tribble Posted December 12, 2017 Posted December 12, 2017 Course not, why would you bother? Surely it'd be like dating one of your guy friends if you truly feel no sexual attraction to her, no? But you asked this question for a reason.... I’m confused about why you are conflicted about it when you have said that you are not romantically in love and there is no attraction. If it is merely because friends see something that isn’t there, so what? Not their business. Or is there something more going on and your love for her is more romantic than you would admit? Has she shown any interest in you romantically? How long have you been friends? I don’t think attraction would grow or you would already feel it. But it is not unheard of. I agree wTh others that it could risk the friendship and you will have to weigh up whether it is worth the risk. Is there something you aren't telling us, or more likely, not admitting to yourself. Do you think others perceive her as unattractive? So you think you shouldn't find her sexually appealing? Or are you feeling very lonely so looking at people you already have in your life to fill a void? 1
GoodOnPaper Posted December 12, 2017 Posted December 12, 2017 Is there something you aren't telling us, or more likely, not admitting to yourself. Do you think others perceive her as unattractive? So you think you shouldn't find her sexually appealing? Or are you feeling very lonely so looking at people you already have in your life to fill a void? Wouldn’t be surprised if this is on the mark or close to it. When I was first with my wife, my answers to these questions would have been yes, yes, and yes. So my best argument for the OP to not start dating his friend is that his conflictedness will ruin what’s supposed to be your infatuated-filled honeymoon period. One other question - is she expressing deeper interest? (As my wife did.). If so, that will make things tricky. If not, why worry about this? Just continue as friends. Normal situation? I guess it must be because I’ve been told on LS that I’m not normal for considering friendship and romantic feelings to be on the same spectrum. If I have “amazing rapport” with a woman, even in a friendship setting, I will always develop romantic attraction.
guest569 Posted December 12, 2017 Posted December 12, 2017 Normal situation? I guess it must be because I’ve been told on LS that I’m not normal for considering friendship and romantic feelings to be on the same spectrum. If I have “amazing rapport” with a woman, even in a friendship setting, I will always develop romantic attraction. I agree that they can be in the same spectrum which is why there is a fine line and misunderstanding and confusion etc with these types of friendship where there is a deep (platonic) love.
smackie9 Posted December 12, 2017 Posted December 12, 2017 This is how many women feel when they friend zone guys......I wish they read your thread so they have a better understanding what it's like on the other end.
stillafool Posted December 12, 2017 Posted December 12, 2017 Why in the world would you even consider dating someone you don't find sexually appealing? That would not be fair to either of you.
carhill Posted December 12, 2017 Posted December 12, 2017 So, OP, given such amazing friendships evolve over time, tell me how have you felt when she's kissing her boyfriend or lover in front of you? That's a really good test. I can't imagine her being celibate and chaste during all the years of your friendship. Right? I had a similar best female friend for many years back when young and it was that test, plus her modeling bikinis for me (wow, awesome Asian body) that convinced me she was indeed a wonderful platonic friend, not a dating prospect. Was I oblivious to feelings she might have had? Perhaps. She did end up marrying her longtime off and on boyfriend in her late 30's so there's that. Good guy. We later lost touch but I hope they've had a good run. Friendships are really cool and valuable. Humans can also change their mind at any time for any reason or no reason at all. Right now she's a friend not a potential lover so respect that, for now. Who knows what the future will bring?
Trip2TheSky Posted December 12, 2017 Posted December 12, 2017 No. Speaking from my own experience, it becomes dull and boring when you wind up stuck in a relationship where the physical attraction is there for them, but not for you. There has to be physical attraction for it to work for the long haul.
snowboy91 Posted December 12, 2017 Posted December 12, 2017 Is this a normal thought/situation? Yep. Perfectly normal. The only difference between your friendship with her and a friendship with a hypothetical guy with exactly the same personality/interests is that your other friends are pressuring you to date her. You would feel exactly the same way about the friendship in either case. So it's a definite no from me - you both see this as a friendship and nothing more. Which is actually a great thing - it means there is no tension! This friend will be incredibly useful if you do start dating someone though - it makes picking birthday and Christmas gifts much easier!
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