Ex hated me for a year and a half

[Jaxxgirl76]

Hi Everyone I'm new to this forum, but I'm also glad to see that it is in existence :-)

 

I have this ex that I broke up with in May of 2016. She was younger than me (27) but she was a wonderful person and had a bright future ahead of her and still does. I was going through some sort of a mid-life issue at the age of 39 and I was really struggling at that point when we were dating. She was amazing and she gave me everything, but I just couldn't handle it for some reason at that point in my life. I was experiencing emotional issues from previous relationships and I don't think I had had enough time to recover.

 

Needless to say I ended up breaking up with her after 8 months and it broke my heart. But I did it the noble way, I went to her house I sat her down and I looked her right in the eyes and told her. The expression on her face is something I will never forget. She turned cold instantly. She wouldn't hug me and she barely would speak to me.

 

After a couple of weeks she completely stopped talking to me and started dating a rebound relationship person who she's actually still with. It wasn't long before friends were telling me that she was saying things about me like that I tried to kill her and that my family was crazy and so on and so forth. All things that you say when you're angry and want a reason to hate someone you love. She loved me with every fiber of her heart. she would have done anything for me.

 

About a month after I broke up with her I had a weak moment and I contacted her and told her I still loved her and in her anger and resentment she told me she didn't feel the same anymore. I was blown away. How could someone who loved me so much and did everything for me say something like that? I tried contacting her several months later and asking her to at least acknowledge my presence because we did have mutual friends and it was putting a strain on friendships.

 

She wrote me back and included everyone in the email making sure they all knew that I was the most horrible person on the planet according to her. this wasn't the person I knew and loved. after the email I forgot about it for a while but she never left my mind. I ended up getting in another relationship about 6 months later and I am still with that person, however thoughts are still there of my ex whom I wanted to marry at one point.

 

She is still in her rebound relationship and I hear from mutual friends that it isn't good but her and I don't talk so I have no idea. whenever we would see each other out I would get completely ignored. it was like I was erased. she did warn me that she did this kind of thing to her ex's and I was very upset hearing that but I understand each person has to deal with things their own way.

 

I have seen her out lately and I noticed that she actually looks at me and acknowledges my existence now. on my birthday she asked one of our mutual friends if she could tell me happy birthday but she never ended up coming up to me. our relationship was wonderful probably the best I have ever had but I was just in a very bad place and didn't want to drag her there with me which was why I broke up with her in the first place.

 

I don't know what to do I really still love her very much and I know now that I either have to walk the talk or put her away for good. Any advice?

Edited December 12, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs ~T

[marky00]

I've done the same to my Ex. She doesn't exist.

 

I suspect that if you were actually able to sit down and talk to her, You will probably remember why you broke up and disappear again.

 

Be very careful here. Unless you can maybe see yourself marrying this girl, you should leave her alone.

 

And you are right about walking the talk. My Ex has been bread crumbing me for 12 months. I never responded. In my opinion, its up to the dumper to put their egos on the line and say what they want to say. If not, then dumpees need to assume nothing has changed.

 

I just don't get it. You know she loved you before. At least you have a chance for her to say Yes. As for her, she has a 99 percent of you saying No. So it's all up to you here, pure and simple.

 

It shouldn't have mattered that she was ignoring you etc. People who love people do crazy things do get around blocks etc to go back to someone they love. You need to be honest with yourself and ask why you did not do this?

Edited December 12, 2017 by marky00

[Jaxxgirl76]

Annnnnnd this is why I posted in here. Thank you so much for the response I needed to hear all of it good or bad! I'm going to go out on a limb and be very honest here and say that fear is what kept me from doing more... rejection. Always has been a struggle for me... I've been in a 12-step program for a few months now and it has really really helped strengthen me emotionally and mentally.... after her and I broke it off I went directly to counseling, started working out more, started going to church, just trying to find my way and figure out what it was that was holding me back. I'm happy to say that I have come a long way and I'm a completely different person, but you're right she'll never know that if I don't do something about It. She'll just have that same old mental pictures stuck in her head because lets face it, not many people who want to change actually have the balls to go thru with it. I'm definitely going to do something about this. I'm not sure when or how, but I know that I will.

[marky00]

You didn't break up with her out of fear but.

 

You broke it off because for whatever reason, you weren't feeling it.

 

It is possible the work you have done on yourself has somehow given you a different perspective on life, one that somehow now holds your ex in a better light. This happens sometimes. You see it with women in their 30s, they date jerks for several years and one day the penny drops and they marry a nice guy.

 

I get you might be worried she may totally reject you now but if that happens, at least you will comforted by the fact a reason for her rejection exists.

 

It hurts a lot more when your vulnerable and in a relationship and someone you thought loved you makes it known otherwise.

 

Whatever your feeling now, x10 to understand how she felt.

 

And yes you will need to step up to the plate. She knows you rejected the OLD version of her. So she sure as hell isn't going to engage while you act as the OLD you. She knows how that ends.

Edited December 12, 2017 by marky00

[Jaxxgirl76]

thank you I appreciate it. It's nice having another perspective on this. I do believe that that is exactly what has happened in this scenario. It's like I was asleep and I'm awake now. She has no clue about that and I have to portray that. I always envied how well she knew herself and I told her that all the time and that I wanted to know myself as well as she knew herself. I'm still not completely there but I am a hell of a lot closer now. what I am Gathering is that it's kind of normal for people to react this way when they are hurt and feel rejected. So her telling me a month later that she didn't feel the same is pretty normal from what I'm gathering. At the time I took it as a complete rejection and just wanted to crawl into a corner. I guess I'm just not used to it because I've never actually broken up with somebody the right way except for her. I never really cared enough in the past to spare anyone else's feelings because I felt they didn't care enough to spare mine. ****ty way to live and go about life which is why I don't do that type of thing anymore. You're right on all points. I should be questioning my love if I'm just letting her go and not doing anything about it. I know that the love is there so it's basically conquering a fear because the love is more powerful than even that. Here goes nothing...

[anika99]

I think you need to be respectful of the fact that your ex has been in a new relationship for over a year now. As a matter of fact I think it's that she moved on so quickly and got a new person so fast that made you regretful of breaking up with her. If she had cried and begged for you to not leave her you probably would have kept on walking and never looked back but her speedy recovery and new relationship was a kick to the gut, a blow to your ego.

 

Go ahead and tell her how you feel if you want but be honest with the person you are dating now. Let her know that you are not over your ex and you want her back. Don't make your new gf be your plan B, your fall back girl. If you want your ex then let the new girl go right now. I doubt that your ex is interested though. After only eight months together her feelings for you were still in the infatuation stage and hadn't transitioned into deep abiding love. Same goes for you. There was still plenty you two didn't know about each other so thinking she's now somehow the one for you is more fantasy than reality.

[Jaxxgirl76]

thank you thank you for your reply, and while I respect everything that you just said, I have to disagree. We were actually friends for a year before we even dated so we did know each other quite well. Secondly, I was the first person that she's ever been with that she was completely loyal to. I was the first person to show her how to cook, how to take chances, how to trust. She didn't have any of those things previously.... I was the first person that discussed marriage with her. every time we were intimate she would cry. She may have had a schoolgirl crush or been infatuated with me, that part can be very true. But I promise you that it was more than that. I'm not that ridiculous that I'm going to chase after an infatuation. I was the one that broke up with her so there was no blow to my ego. I was hurt when she told me she didn't feel the same after a month, but I knew it wasn't true. I can promise you to this day that she still thinks about me quite a bit. I'm not saying that because I'm full of myself, actions speak louder than words. If you hate somebody and continue to hate them without just cause, there is something deeper lying underneath. And while you may be correct that she has moved on emotionally and doesn't think about me anymore, I am willing to take a gamble on that. As for my current relationship, I wouldn't do anything to hurt her ever. She has a lot of her own issues and is dealing with a lot and actually doesn't really have much time for me at all. I don't think ending it will be a Devastation to either one of us. And I don't do plan a or Plan B. As for my ex moving on so quickly, it didn't bother me at all. It just shows the immaturity level that she was at but she is young and I was only her second major relationship, so there is no way I could ever blame her or feel any negativity towards her for doing what she did. We've all done it. I appreciate the thoughts here and that is why I posted on this forum, I do believe that love conquers everything and I do believe there is something deeper between her and I and it has always been there. I could be very wrong and get a gigantic slap-in-the-face but if I don't try to find out will I regret it? The answer is yes.

[marky00]

I can promise you to this day that she still thinks about me quite a bit. I'm not saying that because I'm full of myself, actions speak louder than words. If you hate somebody and continue to hate them without just cause, there is something deeper lying underneath. And while you may be correct that she has moved on emotionally and doesn't think about me anymore, I am willing to take a gamble on that.

 

Hmmm, I think you might have this wrong.

 

Take my case for example. 9 year LDR and was dumped, very bad ending. Didn't speak top my ex for 12 months (all of last year). Then this year, she has messaged me about 15 times, once per month or so. I only responded once asking her what it was she wanted to say.

 

Do i think about my ex... sure I do but for my own sanity I have tried to put my health first. Loving or hating someone with nothing in return just drives you to insanity.

 

Do not underestimate the strength some dumpees find in themselves after being dumped. The can build a wall so high. And that wall is a symbol of self-love and self-respect.

 

Just because I still have some type of feelings for my ex, doesn't mean I would go back should the opportunity arise. Your ex will be thinking the same. There is no way in hell she will jeopardize her self-work and self-healing.

 

And honestly, if your looking for cracks in armour as a way to getting back in, that really does show you don't care for her in the right way.

 

If you loved her, there wouldn't be all this over-thinking. You would have already acted and not been looking for cracks in her armour etc.

 

If you are worried about being rejected because it will damage your ego etc, just leave her alone. As a dumpee, it's so insulting when dumpers reach out due to guilt or ego boosts. So much so, that type of contact pushed me away more.

 

Oh and if hating helped her heart heal, she can do whatever she needs to do to find peace in her situation. There is totally just cause in that. If you don't see it that way, then once again, you should leave her alone.

Edited December 12, 2017 by marky00

[Jaxxgirl76]

I get it but also understand that I have been dumped several times this was the first time I ever dumped anyone. At least for what I thought were the right reasons. so I know full well exactly how it feels to be dumped and what those feelings feel like when that person tries to come back into your life. I actually agree with you and everything that you have said. Outside looking in youre completely right. Inside looking out, it's a little bit more difficult than that. I will take your words and genuinely think about them.