tito1501 Posted December 11, 2017 Posted December 11, 2017 Hello everyone, in this post I mentioned about feeling anxious because of my relationship. Quick facts: we are both 25 and share an apartment in a foreign country. It has been 6 months ago since it all started to go down the drain. In a nutshell, I started feeling anxiety attacks without a specific reason and, by analyzing the facts, it is clear that my relationship contributed big time to this anxiety. I am also aware that it was my insecurity that also allowed me to forget about my personal goals and clear identity during this relationship. Therefore, I looked for a psychologist, started yoga and similar in order to come back to a better 'mind and emotional set'. My therapist mentioned that I associated all my anxiety to my partner and now I am kind of traumatized. She suggested that I should face it all and overcome this trauma. However, the more I try to plan and do things with her, the more anxious I feel. Sometimes I am eating with her and out of a sudden I feel really annoyed with her for a few minutes, and then I feel fine again. When it all started, I would feel anxious with other people too, but now it is only with her. I do big plans with friends and for work, but with her I feel anxious. My ambivalence got so big now that in a matter of minutes, I change my perception about her. Sometimes I look to her and see a lovely girl, sometimes I look at her and see someone I dislike. This change always happens. It is like as if a good moment is kind of a reward, not something spontaneous. As if feeling good with her during an entire weekend was an achievement. I also question a lot why I feel attracted to other girls and if I should be already in such a serious relationship. My dilemma is: is my anxiety because I am doubtful about my relationship or am I doubtful about my relationship due to my anxiety? I need your view on this as I lack some perspective. I need to take a final decision on this. It is very difficult because we have quite some story together already and we share an apartment. Moving out and split would be freaking tough. Thank you so much for the help.
Author tito1501 Posted December 12, 2017 Author Posted December 12, 2017 What would you do in my place?
Gaeta Posted December 12, 2017 Posted December 12, 2017 Your girlfriend broke something that cannot be glued back together. Words can destroy love and her words killed the love you had for her. You are young, you have no kids or assets together, it's time to break this and move on otherwise you will feel this way for the rest of your life always going back and forth, it's not a way to live. 3
Author tito1501 Posted December 12, 2017 Author Posted December 12, 2017 Your girlfriend broke something that cannot be glued back together. Words can destroy love and her words killed the love you had for her. You are young, you have no kids or assets together, it's time to break this and move on otherwise you will feel this way for the rest of your life always going back and forth, it's not a way to live. Thank you Gaeta for the support. I agree. The most difficult part for me is to take this decision and stick to it. I am too soft hearted and I know I will feel really bad for seeing her leaving the house.
Gaeta Posted December 12, 2017 Posted December 12, 2017 Thank you Gaeta for the support. I agree. The most difficult part for me is to take this decision and stick to it. I am too soft hearted and I know I will feel really bad for seeing her leaving the house. Ending a relationship is always hard even the bad relationships. It's normal to feel the way you do but it doesn't change the fact your feelings have changed and you should move on to meet someone better suited for you. Once it's broken up you will feel releived. 1
mortensorchid Posted December 12, 2017 Posted December 12, 2017 A agree with the above poster/s. Is this your first truly adult relationship? As in, have you had sex with other women, had a serious gf or two before her, and now you have taken things to another level with her being in an LTR which also involves living together? If so you are experiencing the cold feet that a lot of other men have when it comes to an LTR - which is "I need to get out" and also saying "I can find another even better just like that". Which you cannot. I do think it's time you ended things with her, but I would also caution you against living with someone. It NEVER works when people live together. People live together not because they just want to live together, the primary reason is finance. I know/have known a lot of people from all walks of life who have / are living with others, and come a few months or even years into the relationship / marriage, they are no longer together. Why? They have done many studies as to how and why it is that it never works if and when people live together. We're not sure why, but for whatever reason the sense of commitment does not stick. 1
Author tito1501 Posted December 12, 2017 Author Posted December 12, 2017 A agree with the above poster/s. Is this your first truly adult relationship? As in, have you had sex with other women, had a serious gf or two before her, and now you have taken things to another level with her being in an LTR which also involves living together? If so you are experiencing the cold feet that a lot of other men have when it comes to an LTR - which is "I need to get out" and also saying "I can find another even better just like that". Which you cannot. I do think it's time you ended things with her, but I would also caution you against living with someone. It NEVER works when people live together. People live together not because they just want to live together, the primary reason is finance. I know/have known a lot of people from all walks of life who have / are living with others, and come a few months or even years into the relationship / marriage, they are no longer together. Why? They have done many studies as to how and why it is that it never works if and when people live together. We're not sure why, but for whatever reason the sense of commitment does not stick. Wow this is so much how I feel about living together with her/anyone. I always feel this I wanna get out of this or, life is much more than this couple life. I just can't like it. Sometimes I wonder whether it is my limitation as I see that many people 'seem' happy IIt is so difficult to imagine this house without her. Even the freaking carpet reminds me of her. She will go back to her country as 'giving up' what she/we built here. I somehow feel responsible/sorry/guilty for it. But I should not. Is it possible that I manage to stay in the house? It is really difficult to find another apartment where I live. And I really like here.
snowboy91 Posted December 12, 2017 Posted December 12, 2017 Hello everyone, in this post I mentioned about feeling anxious because of my relationship. Quick facts: we are both 25 and share an apartment in a foreign country. It has been 6 months ago since it all started to go down the drain. In a nutshell, I started feeling anxiety attacks without a specific reason and, by analyzing the facts, it is clear that my relationship contributed big time to this anxiety. I am also aware that it was my insecurity that also allowed me to forget about my personal goals and clear identity during this relationship. Therefore, I looked for a psychologist, started yoga and similar in order to come back to a better 'mind and emotional set'. My therapist mentioned that I associated all my anxiety to my partner and now I am kind of traumatized. She suggested that I should face it all and overcome this trauma. However, the more I try to plan and do things with her, the more anxious I feel. Sometimes I am eating with her and out of a sudden I feel really annoyed with her for a few minutes, and then I feel fine again. When it all started, I would feel anxious with other people too, but now it is only with her. I do big plans with friends and for work, but with her I feel anxious. My ambivalence got so big now that in a matter of minutes, I change my perception about her. Sometimes I look to her and see a lovely girl, sometimes I look at her and see someone I dislike. This change always happens. It is like as if a good moment is kind of a reward, not something spontaneous. As if feeling good with her during an entire weekend was an achievement. I also question a lot why I feel attracted to other girls and if I should be already in such a serious relationship. My dilemma is: is my anxiety because I am doubtful about my relationship or am I doubtful about my relationship due to my anxiety? I need your view on this as I lack some perspective. I need to take a final decision on this. It is very difficult because we have quite some story together already and we share an apartment. Moving out and split would be freaking tough. Thank you so much for the help. Wow, your post is somewhat similar to my recent experiences, and I know exactly how it feels to be in that dilemma. Does your GF know about your anxiety? If not it might help to discuss it with her. I found a few things helped for me to try and solve your dilemma. 1: How does your anxiety "behave" (for lack of a better word) outside of the relationship (eg. at work, or in social settings)? If it manifests itself outside the relationship then it's probably anxiety issues you need to work on. 2 (and this is where I fall over too): Consider what your needs are in a relationship. Consider whether your values align with each other. If there is something missing from the relationship then this is probably contributing to the way you feel. Once you've identified it then you can discuss it. 3: Speak up! Your anxiety might be stopping you from clearly communicating how you feel and what you want - which leads to distance, which leads to further anxiety because you and your GF aren't on the same page. Even if it results in a fight you will still feel better knowing you've been truthful. Once you've worked this out you will see it all from a different perspective. And that will tell you whether you should continue the relationship. Edit: Just read your last thread. It seems like she doesn't respect you when you disagree on important matters in the relationship. This addresses point 2 above.
Author tito1501 Posted December 12, 2017 Author Posted December 12, 2017 Wow, your post is somewhat similar to my recent experiences, and I know exactly how it feels to be in that dilemma. Does your GF know about your anxiety? If not it might help to discuss it with her. I found a few things helped for me to try and solve your dilemma. 1: How does your anxiety "behave" (for lack of a better word) outside of the relationship (eg. at work, or in social settings)? If it manifests itself outside the relationship then it's probably anxiety issues you need to work on. 2 (and this is where I fall over too): Consider what your needs are in a relationship. Consider whether your values align with each other. If there is something missing from the relationship then this is probably contributing to the way you feel. Once you've identified it then you can discuss it. 3: Speak up! Your anxiety might be stopping you from clearly communicating how you feel and what you want - which leads to distance, which leads to further anxiety because you and your GF aren't on the same page. Even if it results in a fight you will still feel better knowing you've been truthful. Once you've worked this out you will see it all from a different perspective. And that will tell you whether you should continue the relationship. Edit: Just read your last thread. It seems like she doesn't respect you when you disagree on important matters in the relationship. This addresses point 2 above. Hi Snowboy! Many thaaanks for the reply. There you go: 1) When the anxiety attacks started, I would feel it with anyone, but mainly with her. Now I would say that 98% of the time is with her and 2% with anyone else. By myself I never have it. 2)I do think we both share different values. Now that she realizes it is all screwed, she is changing a lot. But I do feel that she is changing mostly because of me amd therefore I do not see a true 'value' in her changes. 3) We are quite open. She knows everything about it. I tried a lot to move on with it and I stopped looking for an answer to this anxiety. I just know that now I need my space and focus on my life again. I have to shoot in the dark. I hope you overcame your hard moments !
mortensorchid Posted December 13, 2017 Posted December 13, 2017 Wow this is so much how I feel about living together with her/anyone. I always feel this I wanna get out of this or, life is much more than this couple life. I just can't like it. Sometimes I wonder whether it is my limitation as I see that many people 'seem' happy IIt is so difficult to imagine this house without her. Even the freaking carpet reminds me of her. She will go back to her country as 'giving up' what she/we built here. I somehow feel responsible/sorry/guilty for it. But I should not. Is it possible that I manage to stay in the house? It is really difficult to find another apartment where I live. And I really like here. You have chocked up the entire relationship to finance. That's the reason you went in, and you're going to use it on the way out. And you are SOMEHOW feeling guilty? Not cool, guy. Not cool.
ExpatInItaly Posted December 13, 2017 Posted December 13, 2017 This is the same girl who wished you dead, yes? That is why you're having anxiety. And you will have it as long as you stay with her. You need to get as far away from her as you can, OP.
Author tito1501 Posted December 13, 2017 Author Posted December 13, 2017 You have chocked up the entire relationship to finance. That's the reason you went in, and you're going to use it on the way out. And you are SOMEHOW feeling guilty? Not cool, guy. Not cool. i will not pay more because of her. The landlord liked me and will give me a discount to keep the apartment. It is only because I will miss all the moments with her in that house.
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