lust4life Posted August 21, 2005 Posted August 21, 2005 While realizing marriages can sometimes slip into the not so good stage- I was jsut thinking baout s few instances that I sohuld have picked up on my H having an affair. One thing that did defeinately happen was the sex slowed. I rememeber telling him more than once, "If you don't figure out what your problem is, I am going to have to find a boyfriend for myself." Then the sex would pick back up again. Anyone else threaten to find a lover because of the neglect from the cheating spouse? Hindsight, huh? Another tihng I was wondering is, how many marriages are truly sexless ? Was your during or before the affair? My was not and I am just curious how many MM are telling the OW the truth. Now, there are periods of time where we were sexless, just after babies etc...but I can remember exact nights and times even this far back because some of them were a little off the wall even for us. Like, head in the culdesac on the way to a friends party and one night it ws raining really hard on the way to another friends and we stopped at the golf course parking lot. His affair wasn't that long so, I can remember some times, and it was summer...so, well you know more outside sex.
whichwayisup Posted August 21, 2005 Posted August 21, 2005 I think any OW who believes their MM when he says his wife and him do not have sex at all are fooling themselves. Why would OW actually truely 100% believe their MM? He is lying to his wife, so why wouldn't he lie to OW?
Author lust4life Posted August 21, 2005 Author Posted August 21, 2005 And for you? What happened to you? Thanks for not picking on all my typos, sometimes I move my fingers as fast as my thoughts and then not get back in time to correct it . I look somewhat illiterate in that post . haha! I can not be yet as I have only had three sips of this margarita. Another thing I want to point out is. All the wives that let themselves go, what about the husbands that let themselves go. I remember thinking that I could not believe the OW did not ask him to "clean that up a bit" I sure did. And well, he may have been afraid to knowing it was a sign of infidelity ! lol And when he did start to buy his own clothes and underwear, I thought, it's about time! He could use a little more independence! He bought the same underwear I had started buying for him because they are nice so he didn't change that, but the shirts he can pick out well, he isn't a granpa yet and I don't want him to wear them. OKAY, and about us wives, gaining weight and letting ourselves go. BTW though my H has put on much more weight than I have! This is the scenario: (FOR ME) My H says to me often, Honey you dont need makeup you are naturally beautiful. Honey, a little extra weight looks good on you, it gives you more curves. Honey, I like natural nails the fake long ones look sluttish. Let's go out somewhere we don't have to dress up, I am tried of wearing suits. Honey, you don't need to work I make plenty of money. And I think you could use some help around here, let's get a house cleaner. It is so great you are playing alot of tennis, you have made a lot of good friends that way!(all women!!) There are so many manipulations, that noone can realize them until hindsight!
lynnspies1 Posted August 22, 2005 Posted August 22, 2005 In my instance, the sex did not slow at all. We had always been very active in that department. There were no new positions, we have great variety and spice in that area. What I did notice is he was not very nice and not very intimate outside of the bed room. The kissing, hand holding, hugging did slow somewhat. His cell phone bill went through the roof overnight, all to talk with his work "friend". They would talk 10 times a day for up to 2-3 hours total. I did not pick up on the cell phone use until the second or even third month of the EA and by then it was a full blown PA. He lied to her and said we had no sex at all. She believed it too! He told her that we had no life together and that we just existed together for the sake of the kids. I really thought we had a good relationship with normal ups and downs. I thought we were best friends and would be together forever. He told her he was going to leave me. He is still here, we are working on it but he is far from over her. I have let myself "go". I had three kids and kept about 10 lbs from each one. He has also but on 30-35 lbs since we married in 1990. He also said he did not mind it and I never mentions his tummy. His OW was also overweight, more than me so that was not a problem. She did always have trailer park make up and long fake nails that she had air brushed with different designs. He idealized that and wanted me to do the same. F-that! It is not me, never has been, never will be. Lynn
StillHurtin Posted August 22, 2005 Posted August 22, 2005 The sex didn't slow down b4 or during the A. There was one thing different in his sexual techique and I did ask him where he learned it from and he told me he just thought of it. At the time he was having a emotional A, the PA didn't start until I kicked him out of our home b/c he said he wanted a D. I had no clue he was having an EA. We had a good sex life, he just wanted it more than I did and that did cause problems. I don't know what H told the exOW about our M problems. I don't know what he told her. Probably that we fought all the time and he didn't want to live like that anymore. All I know is from what she told me and all she told me that H was having second thoughts about the D and he didn't know what he wanted, the M or the D and she would talk to him for me. The next thing I know she was jumping into bed w/ him. Yes, I did let myself go. I lost all my post pregnancy weight but gained it back over the years. I was a SAHM and didn't wear makeup every day, didn't dress nice, bascially wore sweatpants and t-shirts day b/c it was more comfortable to house clean and play w/ my kids that way. However, I did dress up nice when we went out. He also gained about 30-40 lbs since we got M.
seachange Posted August 30, 2005 Posted August 30, 2005 Oh yes, my exH and I still had sex. His affair was going on while I was in grad school, finishing my thesis, so our sex life had slowed down a bit, but when we had it (about once a week at that point) it was sexy, hot, experimental, whatever. However, I know for a fact he told the OW that we didn't have sex anymore. Ha. He also told her I neglected him, and all the usual rot (loveless marriage, grown apart). I'm sure she would have been shocked to know how we held each other at night, how we still had heart-to-hearts, all the things you do in a loving relationship. True, I was also unusually busy with thesis writing for a few months. But you'd think a spouse would be supportive of such a big thing in a person's life, after 7 years together. I thanked him for his unwavering support and love in my acknowledgments, and cried when I thanked him again during my presentation. Ugh. While we were in MC, he also told me he wasn't in contact with her anymore. While he and I were living together the last few weeks before the final separation, he told her we weren't together. Blah. He told us both a lot of lies. But that's her mess now.
passingby Posted August 31, 2005 Posted August 31, 2005 Our marriage has never been sexless. Yet he slept around alot (unbeknownst to me until 5 yrs. ago). I have come to believe that affairs don't have a darn thing to do with sex really. It's much more about a person's lack of self esteem or self worth, or maybe the opposite - too much self-esteem, an over-inflated ego. A feeling like you are entitled to go out and have sex with someone to make yoruself feel sexy and wanted or to fill some lonely place within yourself, and it isn't bad so long as you aren't in love with them. It's sick and twisted behavior. It's what a hurting confused person does. It has nothing to do with the spouse. There may be problems in the marriage (who doesn't have problems?) but if you get down to brass tacks, affairs have nothing to do with the spouse or even the person the cheater is sleeping with. Affairs are all about the cheater. I do not and will not accept any responsibility for his bent behavor. All this stuff about it takes two to mangle a marriage is incorrect in my humble opinion. One person can do it. One person alone. Yours is an interesting post, thought provoking.
Author lust4life Posted September 13, 2005 Author Posted September 13, 2005 it can take just one person to mangle a marriage! What a great line.
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